(World-Building) Winds of Change CC&C (Full Version)

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Razen -> (World-Building) Winds of Change CC&C (1/21/2012 21:53:03)

So, Winds of Change is a World-Building Story(Taking Argeus's advice on the matter) for Vereriaz centered around Nihilus's Rebellion and Fadril Llethran during the time of the Niyisar Rebellion(Anti-Zari Rebellion basically).

Linky to the Story.

I had decided to change the name to be more fitting to what I have planned as of now.




Glais -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/21/2012 22:09:34)

Hm, seems fairly interesting so far, a more clear introduction to your universe than I've seen in the past. The only real problem I have is the first time the Zari are mentioned, there's no real explanation as to what they are. Maybe a sentence afterwards like "The Zari, god-like beings who created our world, and many others." etc, etc.
quote:

But, I never really learned if this was true or just rumor. I didn't even know if Nihilus even existed at the time, yet I had also seen some posters of what he looked like and they seemed quite alien to me, his helmet being an elongated head of some form with a hole near the top of the forehead that I presume is where air enters, and he bore a stalwart spear.

Wait, this sounds a lot like the bug guys, I thought Zeviix was the Arimiphiite member?



Razen -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/21/2012 22:18:01)

Nihilus's Helmet was designed after the Arimiiphite head design, oddly enough. :P

And, I didn't explain the Zari in the first part, because their powers and abilities are for the most part vaguely explained in Fadril's reaction to Nihilus killing a Zari. While it doesn't explain their importance to the creation of variation in life, it does give minor hints to what they are and what they do. Besides, more will be explained...especially when Fadril is alongside Nihilus fighting Zari.

quote:

Zari's reality modifying capabilities

one of the mightiest beings of the universe, who seemed godly and invulnerable in comparison



Glais -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/21/2012 22:19:01)

Well yeah I caught that bit, I just meant when the term's first thrown out there, it'll seem random for anyone who isn't constantly learning about your universe like I am.



Razen -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/21/2012 22:21:04)

Well, you could say it's one of those, "It'll all come together later" things. xD Besides, it's assumed at this point that most anyone reading my Vereriaz Stuff at this point knows and understands the Zari's being.



Glais -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/21/2012 22:25:30)

True, but you don't want to isolate any newcomers who may be interested :P



Razen -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/21/2012 22:26:28)

Eh, fine. I'll edit it in where's it fit.

And done, it's been added in the second mention of it, so while they won't immediately understand what they are, they shouldn't be lost. :P



Razen -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/25/2012 21:56:59)

Somewhat of an update, I suppose? I've been working on the prologue some. Introduced Balamus Alderi and Bradas Othril. Bradas Othril being a cool Astrological Seer. And Balamus being an armored messenger of Vydizi, the Pacifistic Zari.

So...um...comments? Criticism? Corrections? (Hence the CC&C)



Glais -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/26/2012 19:47:05)

Caught up now, intro definitely seems interesting, as far as setting things up. I did find it kinda weird how the main character decides to support Nihilus....and he doesn't even know why.

Besides that, looks good so far, nothing really sticks out to me, but this is just a prologue so yeah.
Also, what's a Salen?



Razen -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/26/2012 19:58:58)

Well, I'm glad the intro seems interesting. :P Unfortunately, Chapter 1 will also be prologue-ish, since it's all his trip to getting to Nihilus.

Also, he went with Nihilus because he just "felt" it. Instinct.

And, the Salin, are a reptilian humanoid people of Dria and Arimen that are servants of the Zari which they were named after, Salin. He's THAT Self-Absorbed. :P I'll add a line detailing the Salin.



Glais -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/26/2012 20:23:24)

Well, so long as something important, or can be important happens in Chapter One, it shouldn't be too bad.

And I see, yeah that explanatory line will definitely help?



Blade -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/27/2012 18:35:13)

Amazing story! I really loved the way it all came together. I found myself at first thinking it would just be another plain story that so many people write. This on the otherhand, has the potential to be a full fledged book. I really love the way it started out, and I'm anxious for more!

Nice work Razen! :)

On to some CC, I notice you used the word alien quite a bit. Also, twice you wrote "I didn't ever figure out" Not a fan of that line, maybe make it more old-timey? :P

Also
I found a few minor typos here and there.
quote:


"A universe without Zari? How could this even be possible?" I queried with fearful eyes at what the answer would be. I began speculating within my mind who would possibly lead an opposition to the Zari, and I recalled a name...Nihilus. Nihilus, from what I heard is supposedly a member of the family who knows of the recipe and technique of forging weapons that are embedded with Sareisisium, an odd metal know to have properties similar to that of a Zari's reality modifying capabilities, which is why it's named the Metal of Zari. But, I never really learned if this was true or just rumor. I didn't even know if Nihilus even existed at the time, yet I had also seen some posters of what he looked like and they seemed quite alien to me, his helmet being an elongated head of some form with a hole near the top of the forehead that I presume is where air enters, and he bore a stalwart spear.


Should be known. :3


quote:


"Hmm...so...I can do anything without any Zari retaliation?" I asked Balamus, for I didn't quite get Vydizi's meaning in the letter perfectly. I turned the sheet of papyrus over in hopes of finding more of an explanation on the back, only to be disappointed that there was not one. I was puzzled, he said that I was fully liable for my actions, but that I wasn't governed by Narath on such...what does this mean though?


Assuming that was supposed to be can't.

Really good start to a story! Can't wait for more!

~Bladebrawl



Razen -> RE: (World-Building) Elemental Potency CC&C (1/28/2012 10:18:01)

^: Thank you. I fixed what errors there were, and the second one isn't an error. :P

@Glai: Chapter 1 will bring more important characters into the fray and start bringing the battle a little closer to home, if you understand my meaning.

And, I finished the prologue finally. Chapter One should be beginning soon.



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