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Razen -> RE: Comments on Pestilence: Draft of Dreams (5/28/2012 22:08:40)
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A lot of grammatical mistakes to fix here, so this will be fairly long...
quote:
The lone wandering bird that flies throughout the darkest sky was flying towards one goal: to reach the sky's limit.
Redundant usage of the verb fly, I'd advise replacing the latter one with glide or heading. There also needs to be a comma between 'lone' and 'wandering'.
quote:
The battle between Angels, Semi-Gods, and Demons unleashed a bloody war, an instance where you didn't know you were alive or dead; a moment when you feel something squeezing you inside that makes you break in tears.
Before unleashed, there needs to be a 'had'. There needs to be an 'if' before the 'you were alive or dead'. I'd advise removing 'an instance', as "unleashed a bloody war, where you didn't know-" works wonders with 'an instance'. The 'you inside' would flow better if changed to 'inside of you' and placed immediately after 'something', then change 'that makes you break in tears' to 'making you break into tears'.
quote:
The setting of the war had been filled with screams, rivers of tears, dead corpses, blood trees; a dark abyss that was told to be the home to a girl that had lost everything but her heart, a recipient that hold her memories, her wishes, her knowledge, all that she cared about.
Blood trees? I'm confused by this, I don't know if you mean bloodied trees or what. And the 'hold' needs to 'held'. As well, the 'dead' before corpses is kinda...unnecessary, since corpses implies that they're most certainly dead already, should probably just remove it.
quote:
In one of the highest peaks a guy with short brown hair, cold light brown eyes, tall, and with a dark base sword, unsheathed the sword pointing towards the sky, claiming for one simple thing: happiness.
Just some guy? Sounds too unprofessional, I'd advise changing it to 'man'. There needs to be a comma between cool and 'light brown', which could be exchanged with 'hazel'.
quote:
My love is like a star, far away but I'll try to reach it.
I'd advise changing it to something more akin to, 'My love is like a star, far away, yet I still attempt to reach it.'
quote:
The war shattered, uncover, and buried lives of thousands, this child had been looking at them when a crow stepped over his sword, look towards the battlefield and fled.
There should be a 'had' before 'shattered', 'uncover' should be 'uncovered', and there needs to be an 'and' before 'look', which needs to be 'looked'.
quote:
It was the child's turn, he didn't want to show his true power, he wanted peace, and peace brings happiness.
You used 'peace' redundantly here, I'd say change the last bit to 'for he wanted peace, that which brings happiness.'
quote:
He extended his wings straight up his sword, unequipped his helm, bite his lips, taste his own blood. At instance, the war has ended.
The first part simply has me dumbfounded, I don't know exactly what you were trying to convey there. But, for the rest, I'd suggest making it, "and unequipped his helm. He bite his lips and tasted his own blood. In this instance, the war ended."
quote:
Drops of water and blood fall upon the abyss.
I'd advise changing the 'upon' to 'into' or 'upon the rim of', depends on where you imagined it landing, since 'upon the abyss' just...sounds really off and is too vague.
quote:
The girl's hair was a bright dark, her eyes were empty, her face looked sad.
A bright dark...? That's...oxymoron, it's contradicting itself! Did you mean a bright brown? Instead of 'her eyes were empty' you could make it a simile, such as 'her eyes were like a void'. And, finally for, 'her face looked sad.', something about that...just bothers me, maybe try changing it up somehow?
quote:
Her cheek was hit by a drop of blood, she cleaned it with her hand; she wanted to see the bright sky once again, but it wasn't her fate.
Instead of 'cleaned it', how about 'wiped it off'? And, maybe instead of 'but it wasn't her fate.' you could use 'but she was not destined for such a thing.'?
quote:
She stand up, walk inside the cave, she wandered throughout several minutes and then she saw a table for a triumvirate, but only one chair was used.
'stand' needs to be 'stood', 'walk' needs to be 'and walked'. Maybe, 'she wandered throughout several minutes and then she saw a table for a triumvirate, but only one was used.' could be, 'she wandered for several minutes before seeing a table for a triumvirate, yet only one of the chairs was being used.'
quote:
Probably the left chairs were the ones owned by her parents.
Should probably be, 'The remaining chairs had probably belonged to her parents.'
quote:
She was afraid of coming back to surface; She didn't want to be discriminated, hated and treated with violence.
Would likely work a lot better as, 'She was afraid of returning to the surface; she despised the thought of being discriminated, hated, and treated with violence.'
quote:
Her thoughts were hidden within the darkest part of her mind.
A suggestion, changing 'part' to 'recesses' or something similar.
Anyways, I'll give some more later, gotta leave at this for now, since I need to sleep!
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