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Faerdin -> RE: Amon the Chaosweaver discussion thread (6/10/2012 17:22:20)
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First, some grammatical errors:quote:
Vaal: Well done apprentice. You have outdone yourself this time.
Amon: Ha! Apprentice...!
Vaal: What do you mean by that?
Amon: It's just odd because you still picture me as the apprentice!
Vaal: Fine,minion This is a tad confusing. This section of your story is formatted a lot differently than the rest of your story; it seems more like a script or a screenplay than traditional writing. I would recommend changing it to suit the rest of the story.quote:
Amon scoffed. "you act as if you are better than I hahaha!" Amon scoffed, "You act as if you are better than I! Hahaha!"quote:
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! I'LL BE SEEING YOU OLD CHUM! AHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!'" and he disappeared into the shadows laughing. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! I'LL BE SEEING YOU OLD CHUM! AHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!'" He disappeared into the shadows laughing.quote:
Any normal person would see just a dark,dirty old alleyway,then again Jack wasn't normal. Any normal person would just see a dark, dirty, old alleyway. Then again, Jack wasn't normal.quote:
His eyes glowed faintly blue,as he searched for the chaosweaver. His eyes faintly glowed blue as he searched for the ChaosWeaver.quote:
It's scent was familiar. Searching his memories he tried to recall the scent. Its scent was familiar. Searching his memories, he tried to recall the scent.quote:
"Long time no see. Hmm? Whats the matter cat got your tongue? EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE!!!" "Long time no see. Hmm? What's the matter, cat got your tongue? EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE!!!"quote:
It held up it's hands. It held up its hands.quote:
He saw his old friend,Acreon on his dragon. He saw his old friend, Acreon, on his dragon.quote:
"I have something to show you." Acreon replied. His beard blowing slightly in the wind. "I have something to show you." Acreon replied, his beard blowing slightly in the wind.quote:
They flew high over the sky,leaving Falconreach,heading towards Priestess Elysa's clearing. They flew high over the sky, leaving Falconreach, heading towards Priestess Elysia's clearing.quote:
They wen into the forest next to the house along the trail until they reached a cave. They went into the forest next to the house along the trail until they reached a cave.
Second, I would suggest starting a new paragraph whenever a different character is speaking. For example:
Before:
Amon scoffed. "you act as if you are better than I hahaha!" "I am the master of the chaosweavers!" Vaal stormed. "I created the art!" he shot a web at Amon,who nimbly jumped to the side. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! I'LL BE SEEING YOU OLD CHUM! AHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!'" and he disappeared into the shadows laughing. "I know it..." Vaal said grimly. "I know."
After:
Amon scoffed, "You act as if you are better than I! Hahaha!"
"I am the master of the ChaosWeavers!" Vaal stormed. "I created the art!" He shot a web at Amon, who nimbly jumped to the side.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! I'LL BE SEEING YOU OLD CHUM! AHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!'" He disappeared into the shadows laughing.
"I know it..." Vaal said grimly. "I know."
All this aside, you've got an interesting story brewing so far. Can't wait to see how the stories of Amon and Jack tie together!
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