Dragon's Files feedback! (Full Version)

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BlueKatz -> Dragon's Files feedback! (6/14/2012 12:05:52)

Hi. This is where you can post feedback about the Dragon's Files Story: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=20398540&mpage=1

I was sick and bored and can't really focus on my video games (I like challenging deep games so...) and it's terribly hot outside here so I think it would be challenging to complete a short story in English about Lore.
It actually took more time than I thought. This is (the first page) just 1/10 of my draft (even though the introducing might always be bigger than planned) I'm a bit worry about the short ending but I hope I will work it out easily.
This is the third well planned story I ever have done (the first was 9 years ago and the second was 6 years ago, wow time fly T_T) and so far I'm pretty satisfied with it. The name hinted that there are more than 1 story about more than 1 character. But it turned out to be quite long (I didn't seriously write for a long time, the last story I posted on Forum was completely retarded) so not sure if I should write more or change the title - well just keep it there.

Enjoy (hopefully :)




Glais -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (6/19/2012 16:32:11)

Read the first bit. Plot is a bit weird to me, but I like Amityvale as a setting. I would reccomend breaking up the paragraphs a bit, to prevent blocks of text and make it easier on the eyes.




BlueKatz -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (6/20/2012 5:19:04)

Heh thanks for the first feedback :)
1/4 done, was a bit busy with the final exam but today is the last day so I will continue soon.

The plot was not the main focus on this story though, and I afraid people might not like that. What I wanted most is to improve my theme crafting skill.
Imo, Lore is also a world, and it is also not prefect. Also our Hero is a very lucky one, there are other have to deal with ridiculous dangerous, with something as terrifying as real life, not every action make sense when you first see it. Sometime you will fail just because of the most embarrassing reason, sometime people will be killed for nothing.
So yeah :P Dragon Files meant to be a series about the darker stories behind Dragon Fable, it's like X File reports.

Hope I can get more feedback, improving my writing is one of my main goal this summer [:)]

Edit: I will try to do something with the paragraphs, many people noted about my paragraphs skill...




Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (6/20/2012 16:06:47)

Hello BlueKatz. Let's see what we have here, shall we? *Cracks knuckles.*

quote:

And on one of his birthday he got a dragon egg. Year later he and I traveled to Dragonsgrasp.


birthdays, One year

quote:

A prefect prince I would say, but then he decided to join the Dragon Lords which, in my opinion, <> not the most exciting job.


is/was

quote:

But Reginald really wanted to help other people, and as a former prince I guessed he find that suitable.


found it fitting, sounds like what you're going for here.

quote:

Most dragon grew mentally fast, but it could take thousands years to be fully grown.


Most dragons grew fast mentally

quote:

I was strong, but I just fail terribly at fighting mentally as the trainer said.


failed

quote:

But the Dragon Lords wouldn't use <> Dragon Amulet that often, it exhausted both Dragon Lord and the Dragon greatly and mess with the Dragon mentally - it was unnatural to grow that quick.


their, messed, quickly

quote:

The worst part about Dragonsgrasp was the training, we trained a lot and even though we were fast learner, we still felt like learned <> nothing, the experience was the thing.


learners, we had learned

quote:

But we spend most of the time in the library lately. We technically were well trained enough, but still considered as trainees, and they had the worst ranking system ever: questing. There were war out there at the moment, and we could only "guard" this fortress. Reginald was furious and he spent too much time digging all the files to get the quests done.


spent, wars

quote:

Anthea took all the paper and quickly read them all, then looked at his eyes "Rex, why still you chase after this?"


into, why do you still chase after this

quote:

"That's why I send you this report from Amityvale, where people start missing lately around Old Village Hill and they reported up to Dragonsgrasp as thing got complicated there<>"


brought (if he did it now)/sent (if he did it in the past), things, lately./recently.

quote:

If we just sit there, it would take at least 2 more years until we get to higher rank. Because everyone was busy, we got a chance to get this mission - a ridiculous mission, but he won't give in.


sat (t)here, got to a, had the chance of getting this mission, wouldn't

quote:

You can give me the permission, or we do this old fashion way."


the old-fashioned/old fashioned

quote:

she was the only one here to do the paper work and who <> want to waste that much time?


would

quote:

But investing the town only!


But investigating the town only!

quote:

I, of course, did nothing, and Reginald only took some money, an amour, a dagger and a sword.


did not need anything, armour

quote:

We used <> Gryphon to get down there because we didn't want to get exhausted getting down there in full Dragon form before the quest begin.


a/the, began

quote:

The road was solid as rock and almost every trees were dead or maybe.


tree was dead or looked that way

quote:

and any other just got vanished.


quote:

He often made comments on the surrounding and sometime joke on my silliness.


surroundings/surrounding <noun>/woods

quote:

Ah yes, I and my father here are taking care of the pumpkin.


pumpkins

quote:

Thing are getting weird up there, you should be very cautious...


Things

quote:

some adventurers and Guardians investing that place.


investigating

quote:

Few minutes later, Amityvale was under our eyes sight.


within eye-sight


I do apologize that the other chapters will have to wait.

The story itself shows great promise. It has got a mystery feel to it. Of a detective and his dog dragon solving a case.




BlueKatz -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (6/22/2012 12:36:00)

Thanks Dwelling Dragonlord! All fixed. I could have replied earlier but then I decide to write down another chap (not exactly chapters here).
An yeah you got it xD I was checking one of the older quest in Amityvale (guess what:) and playing a bunch of nice games so I decided to write this.




BlueKatz -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (6/27/2012 15:29:56)

I am now ready to continue and finish the adventure of Reginald and Ariwth. It's not hard to get back on track but it's surely easy to get slipped away, I was very distracted few days ago.

I guess it's over half away done already but I'm not sure about the actual length of the rest. I personally satisfied with the latest one because the role of everyone is set and the game should be played by both side. I wish I could refine it a bit though but I had less time than I thought, I also wanted to finish the fight then lead them to another trouble but I guess I shouldn't push myself too hard and ruin the story (It's 2 Am >.>)

Hope you enjoy the story! :)




Beshin Adin -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (6/27/2012 20:19:27)

The story being told from the dragon's point of view is interesting.

One thing that's strange. You alternate between too descriptive, and not descriptive enough.

Fix that, though, and this may become a saga.




BlueKatz -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (6/28/2012 3:32:07)

^I guess that's because i first draft this story based on the Hero, Reginald. Then after a while I found that the ending will get a lot more interesting from the dragon view from, DF style of course.
Also in fact this is the first time I write a story from 1st person view point. I got too used with 3rd person for so long.

You really nailed the problem though. Writing as a dragon is really hard, he's a lot less aggressive than human. Meanwhile the Hero has to act as the lead while you can't explain his mind. So the only way to get the Hero move is by using the dragon's experience with the hero. So it's not descriptive enough while you can't be too descriptive.

I think I learned one thing or two from dealing with that problem though :) But holding back for another story would be a lot better




BlueKatz -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (7/9/2012 21:25:24)

Finally have the chance to focus on this again. Uhm almost 1 month already, I feel ashamed. I have 5 days left until the deadline and 2 busy days...
On the other hand, that's 3/4 of the story already.

I like how my plans all linked together and the phases were linked smoothly. My only regret is not being able to make the girl role more clear so reader might get mad at how pointless that was. She played a small and unimportant role but that reflected the sight between the heroes and the villains. The monster does not play any too major role beside increasing the creepiness.

I am now questioning my battle scene writing skill. I wonder if it's too slow, too boring, too detailed, out of place or something? There are few fights left so I hope I won't mess them up.




Glais -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (7/11/2012 19:17:24)

Finally got around to reading the next bit. I still have a ways to go before I finish the story though.
Mysteries are fun, and now we know why it's called Dragon's Files, thanks to Calandril.




BlueKatz -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (7/12/2012 15:11:13)

^ tx for keep up with the feedback ^^ Hope you enjoy predicting the story

Writing the end... sadly I figured that I made few mistake in the draft in term of logic of Magic (yeah... it exist) so pretty much I had to add few details I wanted to keep hidden to fill the place, at least that would make the final fight more interesting.
I pretty much freaked out when find out about that so I wrote that page a bit messy because I was so distracted. I'm glad it still makes a lot of sense though but pretty much I had to throw out most of the hidden plot. At least I saved the plot quality. *sigh*

Two days to go! Gotta double the working time.




Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (7/12/2012 18:32:10)

*Cracks knuckles stained with Truphma blood.*
quote:

The mansion was not very big in my eyes, but then <> I was living in a castle.

again

quote:

We jumped down and tried to lead him toward.

Toward what?

quote:

We both charged at the gate for <> clearer look as the horse ran away.

a

quote:

The old man shouted loudly but we couldn't understand any word he said as "it" dragged him inside the mansion's door.

Either "inside the manion" or "beyond the mansion's door".

quote:

It was too dark and even the moon light of DoomWood couldn't light this mansion up, with all the rotten plants around.

moonlight

quote:

I wondered if it was the one we were looking <>.

for

quote:

Only at this moment, I realized this is our first time experienced something like this.

was, we experienced/experiencing

quote:

We almost hugged the cold locked gate to see inside. None of us can figured out what was that thing.

Neither of us could

quote:

And the gate just suddenly opened, along with its rusty sound. Reginald was almost fell inside while I bounded away from the gate like on fire.

suddenly just opened with a

quote:

I was first scared, then I was angered.

At first I was scared, then I was angry/angered.

quote:

I covered myself in the wings, prevented them poking my eyes, and then breathed a long spray of fire, burned many of those pesky crows.

my head (since you mentioned the eyes), preventing them from poking my eyes out, burning.

quote:

But the crows wasn't just watching, one of them dashed into his head, Reginald could only moved an inch as the zombie was still at his shield, <> the crow hit his forehead.

weren't, for, move, and thus

quote:

Reginald felt down.

fell

*Takes out a board.*

REVIEW IN PROGRESS.




BlueKatz -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (7/14/2012 13:11:28)

^ Tx will add them soon. Will do a quick overhaul after finishing the story so if anyone feel interested but scared by the grammar can stay calm :D

So 1 more part to go. Maybe I will try to stay late (which mean no sleep >.>) to finish this masterpiece ^.^ it should be end before 14th




Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (7/14/2012 16:18:35)

@BlueKatz: If that's the case I'll go over it after your own overhaul is complete.




Glais -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (7/14/2012 18:43:42)

Alrighty read another chapter. One main thing I can say:those are some pretty darn aggressive Crows o.O




BlueKatz -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (7/14/2012 19:07:14)

ok ok I tried to push myself but I realize I shouldn't try to overcome thing with pure insanity. I need rest, just can't focus at all.
I technically finished the final but I must say I'm not satisfied at all. So woot, at least I finished the pointless self challenge. I will see if I should post the final before or after the final later.

@DD Np!
@glaisaurus_x you should have seen the crows in older Resident Evil games. They attack the player crazily.
Also I got attacked by birds in the past and it's Hurt! badly. And today I still couldn't find out why they attacked me




Glais -> RE: Dragon's Files feedback! (7/21/2012 16:32:51)

One more chapter downed. Carandril is one strange man. Scientific but with a lack of morals it seems. An interesting character choice...




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