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RevzZ the Optivus -> RE: [Critique Requested] Tale Of A Hero (1/10/2013 21:08:38)
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The way the story is presented is a little messy. Perhaps you could clear that up? Make sure to add grammar and punctuation in your sentences! Not only will it neaten your work but it'll make the story sound better as well.
However, there isn't much to work with, as there is little of the story. I can critique upon a little, however.
I like the title, in the terms that it is about a person growing up to be a hero. It does feel a little rushed though. For future stories, perhaps you can include Alex constantly thinking into the past. remembering his experience and training to get around a problem. Again, the format needs to be straightened. I can't stress this enough. If it looks neater, it'll draw the attention of people. Describe the characters as well. We have no idea what their personality is, except a tiny peek at Alex, who appears a bit childish.
Set the scene. If there is no scene, what are they standing in? A white room? A black hole? It could be anything weird and bizarre if you don't describe the scene around for us. You can allow our imagination to fill in gaps for various points in scenes but you need to at least give a brief description of the surroundings.
I commend you on your imagination though. Sounds like it might be an interesting story when it has been edited and completed.
-RO
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