(DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion

(DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (Full Version)

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99th Dracopyre -> (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/6/2012 12:17:57)
Well, I abandoned my other story, because I found the copy of my old story. Just a little tweak to my old story, and I'm ready to roll it out. The setting is 20 years after the Orb saga, so DF NPCs will be a little older. (The Wargoth saga does not apply to my story.) Lore: The Beginning of the End I'm open to suggestions. And also fixes, if there is anything wrong. Thanks! ~D99

Glais -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/11/2012 18:48:16)
The deer, though probably a nod to the Deery from AQ, reminds me a lot of John Carpenter's The Thing. I like that it is set in the future, never seen that done before.

Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/12/2012 6:12:08)
quote: Lore was once again in peace. at Either it's "20 years have passed since" or "Those who witnessed and suffered in the war, could now breath easily." It's a common mistake to make time inconsistencies, but do try to stick with one. quote: She must be strong. had to The scene with the Guardians reminded me a bit of the scene in my own story, but it seems they got off better.

Faerdin -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/12/2012 6:30:09)
First off, corrections! quote: 20 years had passed, since the end of the war for the Elemental Orbs. 20 years had passed since the end of the war for the Elemental Orbs. quote: The war has left many scars, some have yet to heal, but it was peace nevertheless. The war had left many scars; some had yet to heal, but it was peace nevertheless. quote: Zhoom remained in the Sandsea, where he founded "The Sand Riders", a group of enforcers who brings justice in the great dunes. Zhoom remained in the Sandsea, where he founded "The Sand Riders," a group of enforcers who brought justice in the great dunes. quote: Galanoth, the famed Dragon Slayer, disappeared without a trace, many say he traveled towards Battleon, establishing a council of Dragon Slayers. Galanoth, the famed Dragon Slayer, disappeared without a trace. Many say he traveled towards Battleon, establishing a council of Dragon Slayers. quote: There was no signs of green, only scorched earth and stains of blood. There were no signs of green; only scorched earth and stains of blood. quote: "You know, Amia, scouting isn't all what it's cracked up to be..." says one Guardian, his voice filled with regret. "You know, Amia, scouting isn't all what it's cracked up to be," says one Guardian, his voice filled with regret. quote: The fog also limited the distance they could see, but they were trained for this, they knew they could handle anything that would appear. The fog also limited the distance they could see, but they were trained for this; they knew they could handle anything that would appear. quote: "She's so cute..." he said. "She's so cute," he said. quote: "While stroking the doe's head... the unthinkable happened. While stroking the doe's head... the unthinkable happened. quote: "I don't know... but we must take it... to Captain Fortuna..." said Derek, while gripping on his flesh-torn arm. "I don't know... but we must take it... to Captain Fortuna," said Derek, while gripping on his flesh-torn arm. quote: "Send a message to Warlic, Cysero, and Maya of Oaklore." she sternly said. "They might know what this is..." "Send a message to Warlic, Cysero, and Maya of Oaklore," she sternly said. "They might know what this is..." quote: The Guardians stood in awe, as the wooden borrow, carrying the gruesome beast, passed them by. The Guardians stood in awe as the wooden borrow, carrying the gruesome beast, passed them by. quote: "Yes, captain." answered Amia "Yes, captain," answered Amia. quote: "And take Derek to the infirmary." she continues, while looking at Derek's arm. "That arm needs stitching..." "And take Derek to the infirmary," she continued while looking at Derek's arm. "That arm needs stitching..." quote: Fortuna shakes her head, trying to convince herself, that what she saw could be something else. Fortuna shakes her head, trying to convince herself that what she saw could be something else. quote: She has seen in before... and it's something you can't forget... She has seen it before... and it's something you can't forget... Short of these errors, I feel you have an interesting story brewing. I loved the inclusion of AdventureQuest's Deery Monster (Those things were irksome back when I played, I'll tell you that), and the time in which your story is set certainly sets it apart from others. I'll continue to follow this story and make corrections when I can. ^_^

99th Dracopyre -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/12/2012 10:35:29)
Haha, thanks for the corrections. I'm not very used to using "," and ";". xD I rely on Microsoft Word to fix my errors. However, I wrote this directly on the forums, so I have no idea. xD Anyway, as for the "Deery", I don't think I described it quite so well(but it looked awesome in my mind xD). glaisaurus_x would be right, it's more like "The Thing" than the Deery. Next part is coming up, I'm just too busy to finish it up(School and stuff). ~D99

Faerdin -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/12/2012 14:33:51)
quote: Fortuna whispered "Come in, we have much to discuss". Fortuna whispered, "Come in, we have much to discuss." quote: The room was dim, 2 torches lit the room, which Fortuna held one of them. The room was dim, two torches lit the room, one of which was held by Fortuna. quote: They found themselves on the second floor, it was Fortuna's study. They found themselves on the second floor; it was Fortuna's study. quote: "Follow me..." said Fortuna. "Follow me," said Fortuna. quote: It smelled like a thousand rotting corpses, all stock piled in a corner. It smelled like a thousand rotting corpses, all stockpiled in a corner. quote: It was brighter than the other floors they've been through. It was brighter than the other floors they'd been through. quote: Warlic, like Fortuna, did not want to believe what he is seeing. He too knew to the horrors that this creature has brought. Warlic, like Fortuna, did not want to believe what he was seeing. He too knew of the horrors that this creature has brought. quote: "Fortuna..." said Warlic. "I'm positive, there is no other explanation..." "Fortuna," said Warlic. "I'm positive, there is no other explanation..." quote: Cysero again exclaimed; "It's over there!", now pointing at the stables, but yet again, there was nothing there. Cysero again exclaimed, "It's over there!" now pointing at the stables, but yet again, there was nothing there. quote: The creature attacked his comrades without mercy; slashing and hacking away, like a wild beast. The creature attacked his comrades without mercy, slashing and hacking away like a wild beast. quote: Cysero exclaimed again; "There! There! Another one!", pointing at the nearby tent again. Cysero exclaimed again, "There! There! Another one!" pointing at the nearby tent again. quote: The drew her blade and confronted the creature by the tent. She drew her blade and confronted the creature by the tent. Dire times indeed if Cysero is panicked. Loving the imagery used for the corrupted Guardians!

Glais -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/13/2012 19:43:10)
And so The Breach begins! Only issue I noticed is them constantly referring to the infection as "those things!" I know you don't want to reveal the nature of it yet, but that seemed like an awkwardly worded and cheap way out of an explanation.

99th Dracopyre -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/13/2012 20:19:33)
Oh, I thought you guys already knew what "they" were. "They" are pretty much my favorite "people" in DragonFable. ~D99

Glais -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/13/2012 20:29:58)
Nope. I have no idea. And if we did, what would be the point of masking their identity?

Faerdin -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/13/2012 21:04:34)
Considering the location of the story and the dialogue of the mysterious strangers in the first chapter, I have a good feeling as to their identity. spoiler: EnTropic Minions. Seeing as how they are "reanimates," I wouldn't at all be surprised if En and Tropy somehow survived the events of the Earth Orb Saga to wreak more havoc. Especially since Sepulchure's plan had been foiled, and EnTropic Minions haven't been seen since the Final 13th War. I could understand the reasons for initially masking their identity (Yay for confusion and suspense), though it may be a good idea to reveal what they are soon.

Glais -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (7/13/2012 21:11:04)
I'm not against foreshadowing them I just mean the wording used was very awkward. spoiler: Makes sense as really, they should have revived along with Gorgok. Blegh. They totally ruined Gorgok's character. however them not being seen seems a bit shaky to me logic wise as...there have been no openings or reasons to see them.

99th Dracopyre -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (8/15/2012 12:54:39)
Whew, took me a long time to write such a short thing. I was kind of busy this past 2 weeks. School and stuff. Let the error-corrections roll! xD As for the un-masking, they will be shown in the next chapter("Adapt", which I have delayed and moved to chapter IV) ~Draco

Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (8/15/2012 13:44:55)
quote: where as the younger recruits were steady as usual. whereas quote: The three entered the door way, one at a time, and the door slammed shut. doorway quote: "What is the foul smell, Fortuna?" that quote: He too knew of the horrors that this creature has brought. One of the reasons why the land of Willowshire is now corrupted and decayed. had, was quote: horses here let lose from their stables were? quote: Two weeks ~~have~~ passed; Maya has yet to be heard from, and her absence has gotten the Pactagonal Knights worried. Ash sent several messengers to Willowshire, none of them have yet to return, sharing the same fate as the missing Lore Master. had, had, none of them had returned/they had yet to return quote: Ash personally greeted them at Oaklore’s doors. It has been a long time since Nortrom and Ash saw each other, it has been very long. Once the War of the Orbs ended, they went their separate ways and communication simply faded away. Do you mean the doors or the gate? had You are repeating yourself here. (had) contact? quote: gratefully said Ash. Ash said gratefully quote: Ash returned into the walls of Oaklore Ash returned to the safety of Oaklore's walls quote: It was late in the afternoon when the Dragon Lords arrived at Willowshire’s capital Isn't Willowshire a town itself or am I missing something here? quote: Everywhere they looked, there were blood stains. bloodstains quote: An eerie silence was all the greeted the fives Dragon Lords, only the whispers of the wind, nothing more. that (you might want to change this sentence a bit) quote: “Nortrom, the stench,” distastefully said Nexus. Nexus said distastefully quote: Darkness limits Nortrom’s sight, no torches were lit. Using Draconic-Magic; Nortrom creates a small fireball in the palm of his hand, instantly lighting up the room. limited, created quote: timber were scorched was quote: on a table that sits in the middle of the room. stood quote: Nortrom looks back to see Maya, the very person he was sent to find. looked back/turned around quote: She looked completely fin; there were no blood stains on her clothes nor were their rips or holes, and her hair was neatly tied up. Strangely, that was not how Nortrom imagined someone to look like, while the surroundings were not very suggestive to her appearance. fine, bloodstains, there, Strange (Horror movie material.) quote: He saw nothing in the eastern wall, only more blood and scorches. special near quote: Nortrom finally grabs both of Maya’s wrists grabbed (I'd wash my wands if I were Nortrom.) quote: reeks of rotting animal flesh reeked quote: Nortrom blasts the creature with a powerful breath of fire, shooting it out through the window. blasted quote: Nortrom calms himself and approaches the window calmed, approached (Where did the Dragonlords go?) I believe that is all, though Faerdin might be of more help to you regarding punctation and the likes.

99th Dracopyre -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (8/15/2012 23:33:55)
They went scouting... Anyway, I think I'll just use Microsoft word from now on. It corrects my errors. Even though it messes up when you copy+paste it on the forums. I'll just fix that too. EDIT: I'm a Filipino, and English isn't really my forte, and I kind of translate my language into English, so its sort of weird when some words just don't fit. xD Thanks for helping me guys, it means a lot! [:)] quote: Ash personally greeted them at Oaklore’s doors. It has been a long time since Nortrom and Ash saw each other, it has been very long. Once the War of the Orbs ended, they went their separate ways and communication simply faded away. I must have been distracted and typed it again. xD quote: Isn't Willowshire a town itself or am I missing something here? It's a town? When I look at the DF map, I always thought that the huge are there was the whole of Willowshire. I think I have revise that. ~Draco

Glais -> RE: (DF) Lore: The Beginning of the End Discussion (8/16/2012 20:31:15)
quote: and even the buildings were smeared with blood How exactly does that even happen? Anyhow, odd chapter, didn't expect Nortrom to be framed.

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