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_Arceus_ -> Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/11/2013 21:23:12)

This is the discussion thread for my story. I accept any comments or suggestions you want to add to the story. Hope you like it [:)]



dragon_monster -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/16/2013 19:15:52)

The story is good and all but may I give you a advice, can you make some space between phrases you know so it will be easier to read its very hard to follow since it is so close toghether all.So Claire is human that why the baby has human form and not a dragon one right but just a question why whould the leader of the dragonslayers attack the chaos dragons are they a treat to lore?



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/17/2013 6:17:02)

quote:

So Claire is human that why the baby has human form and not a dragon one right

Yup.
quote:

just a question why whould the leader of the dragonslayers attack the chaos dragons are they a treat to lore?

This might sound stupid, but honestly, I have no idea. Fixed it. Now there's a reason why Galanoth attacked.
quote:

can you make some space between phrases you know so it will be easier to read its very hard to follow since it is so close toghether all.

I'll do my best to make it more readable. Done. I added spaces between the text so you guys can read it clearly. And, thanks for the feedback.



Glais -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/18/2013 12:00:14)

Ok so the intro's a little sudden. the listing off events (on the Chaos Dragons) makes it feel somewhat jarring and not very immersive. If you could find a way to make it flow better, or even just slow it down it may work better.
quote:

One day, a man, who knew little of the chaos dragons' history, was terrified that the chaos dragons will attack battleon so he hatched a plan to remove the chaos dragons' existence on lore.

This is...pretty ridiculous in all honesty.
There's literally no reason for this to happen, you seem to even lampshade it yourself.
Why?
quote:

"What is it, stranger? What can I do for you?" Galanoth said. Galanoth wore a dragon-slayer armor with matching helm and cape and was holding a spear.

:) Good taste. Not sure if it makes sense (AQW Gal has the DragonBlade as far as I remember) but I've always preferred DF's Spear Galanoth.
quote:

"I have heard reports that chaos dragons are planning to attack lore!" the man said.

"How would I know if you're telling the truth? I don't attack dragons on purpose you know." Galanoth said.

"Trust me on this one!" the man said, determinedly. Galanoth raised an eyebrow (if you can see through his helmet),

"Hmm..." Galanoth thought to himself.

"Can I really trust this guy? He looks very serious though." he thought. After a few minutes of thinking,

"Okay, I'll gather up all the dragon-slayers on lore and attack them tomorrow." he said.

WHAT?
He decides to go perform a genocide based on the word of one guy without any evidence because "he looked serious."

Anyhow just from the prologue, it seems a bit unrealistic. This isn't how anyone would react if this were to actually happen.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/18/2013 14:00:29)

Okay, I read the prologue.

quote:

The man searched for Galanoth, the dragon-slayer, and found him on Vasalkar's lair.

I think you meant to say that he searched for Galanoth, the head of the dragonslayers.
quote:

There's a cave behind the red dragon, Vasalkar. The chaos dragons live on the deepest part of the cave there." the man said, then ran off.

That was a bit oddly convenient, don't you think?

quote:

His eyes has a golden color and his hair was combed neatly.

had

What color did his hair have and just how long was it?

My biggest issue with the prologue is that Galanoth and Artix know each other very well. So why doesn't Artix talk some sense into Galanoth? I am sure he would believe Artix over some random stranger.

If we go by the logic that they hadn't met yet, then why would Artix be friends with someone who killed two of his best friends?

Lastly, Artix is thirty at best, meaning that he was 12 or 14 when Arceus' parents dropped him off. I don't have to explain how strange it'd be for a person to consider a 12-year-old to be a better guardian than an army of dragons.



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/18/2013 20:59:17)

I'm sorry if the prologue is a little unrealistic, but I just wrote what my brain tells me to write (no offense). I know I'm not so good at making these stories, but if you guys want to change the story of the prologue, but still follows the rest of the story, I will gladly write it down.



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/23/2013 6:51:54)

Hey guys [:)] chapter 4 is up (well, you might have already knew that). Enjoy [:)]



dragon_monster -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/23/2013 15:41:26)

I just have a question why does the hero matures so fast beacouse dragons reach the teenge years even half dragons in hundreds of years,do the chaos dragons subspecies mature faster that ordinary ones.



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/23/2013 23:30:21)

quote:

do the chaos dragons subspecies mature faster that ordinary ones.

Yes.
quote:

Artix is thirty at best, meaning that he was 12 or 14 when Arceus' parents dropped him off. I don't have to explain how strange it'd be for a person to consider a 12-year-old to be a better guardian than an army of dragons.

In this case, Artix was about 25 when Arceus' parents dropped him off. Chaos dragons' species mature faster than other dragons by 3 years earlier than human years but their appearance age normally (and to explain: a 1 year old human is equivalent to a 3 years old chaos dragon/half-dragon but has the same appearance, I mean, a child that is). So this explains why Artix is thirty at best while Arceus is 18 years old.

So, I hope this clears things up. Thanks for the feedback.
quote:

if you guys want to change the story of the prologue, but still follows the rest of the story, I will gladly write it down.

And about this, do you guys want to help me, or will I just make one myself?



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/24/2013 8:59:18)

@_Arceus_: You just have to make sure if you want to use the history Artix told us about Galanoth, in which case you should mention he no longer just slays dragons for the heck of it. (He did so until a vartai saved him.) What reason does Galanoth have to attack them?

Next up you should explain the relationship Artix and Galanoth have and why Artix is even friends with him if he chose to war with his friends.



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/25/2013 2:20:50)

Okay guys, change of plans. Due to my boredom, I have created a new prologue, with a bit of the original prologue in it. I will be replacing the prologue soon, so chapter 5 will have to wait a bit. Until that, enjoy the story [:)]

quote:

he no longer just slays dragons for the heck of it. (He did so until a vartai saved him.)

He did? I didn't know that.



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (1/25/2013 9:19:29)

Okay, so.......I have replaced the old prologue with the new one. I have.........'modified'........ Drakath's story a bit, so it might not be connected to Dragonfable's story about him. Well, I've done the best I could to write the new prologue (actually, I did that when I got bored). Hope you like it, enjoy [:)]



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/1/2013 9:28:46)

Hey guys [:)] chapter 5 is up. Enjoy [:)]

Chapter 6 is here too. Enjoy [:)]



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/9/2013 7:08:38)

Chapter 7 is up. Enjoy [:)]



Mapavon -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/9/2013 19:08:01)

Firstly, necromancers are paladin's second biggest enemy. Paladins would just slay necromancers without thinking twice. Second, the crush between Arceus and Amy is obvious and that makes it less enjoyable to read. Maybe, if you've add less facts of the inevitable romance it would appear to be more realistic and unique. This is just constructive criticism though, so don't take it as a bad rating or so.



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/9/2013 19:36:56)

quote:

Firstly, necromancers are paladin's second biggest enemy. Paladins would just slay necromancers without thinking twice. Second, the crush between Arceus and Amy is obvious and that makes it less enjoyable to read. Maybe, if you've add less facts of the inevitable romance it would appear to be more realistic and unique.

I'll do what I can to fix that. Thanks for the feedback. Fixed it (I guess). Just tell me if I have to change it again. Enjoy [:)]



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/10/2013 6:38:46)

Chapter 8 is up. Enjoy [:)]



araxia -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/10/2013 22:12:49)

My turn >:) You have a very nice storyline, and I can see the plot developing. It's a bit unrealistic though, not considering the fact that it's in a fantasy world that incorporates magic and unicorns.

Things to Improve:

Capitalization - greenguard forest, lightguard keep/ Greenguard Forest, LightGuard Keep

Tenses - Drakath ran as fast as he can through the forest as tears formed in his eyes/ Drakath ran as fast as he could through the forest while tears formed in his eyes.

Word Choice - Galanoth, I am ready to face the chaos dragons now. Tell me where they are hiding/ Galanoth, I'm ready to face the chaos dragons. Tell me where they're hiding.

Comma Usage - The air was blowing coldly, as the sound of dragon wings flapping heavily, fills the air/ The air blew coldly as the sound of dragon wings, flapping heavily, filled the air

Fashion Sense - He now wore a blue t-shirt under his leather armor and brown pants and holding his sword at his left arm/ He now wore a clean white t-shirt and blue jeans underneath his leather armor. His sword lay in a sheath on his waist.

Here are the corrections:

quote:

They ran as quickly as they can, but the dragon caught up with them.

They ran as quickly as they could, but the dragon caught up with them. OR
They run as quickly as they can, but the dragon catches up with them.

quote:

"S-so, your a dragon-slayer?" Drakath said.

"S-so, your're a dragon-slayer?" Drakath said.

quote:

I shall make those chaos dragons' pay if it's the last thing I'll do!" Drakath said.

I shall make those chaos dragons pay if it's the last thing I'll do!" Drakath said.

quote:

The voice made a deep, echoing sound, that Drakath suspects that only he can hear.

The voice made a deep, echoing sound, that Drakath suspected only he could hear.

quote:

You're on you're own after that." Dagon said

You're on your own after that." Dagon said,

quote:

"I wont leave you here alone. I'll fight too." Claire said.

"I won't leave you here alone. I'll fight too." Claire said.

quote:

You're friends,
Claire and Chaorr

Your friends,
Claire and Chaorr

quote:

When they arrived at the gates of Swordhaven, some of the guards were fighting a the undead while the others was wounded.

When they arrived at the gates of Swordhaven, some of the guards were fighting the undead while the others were wounded.

quote:

Artix and Arceus battled their way to the castle, slicing up skeletal warrior's and mage's.

Artix and Arceus battled their way to the castle, slicing up skeletal warriors and magi.

quote:

Inside, he saw a man wearing a golden armor with a blue cape and a crown on top of his head fighting with a man wearing a doomknight armor.

Inside, he saw a man wearing golden armor with a blue cape and a crown on top of his head fighting with a man wearing doomknight armor.

quote:

To their surprise, they saw the King lying on the ground and Arceus unconscious .

This is my slight OCD acting up. I'm sorry, but that period bothers me. To their surprise, they saw the King lying on the ground and Arceus unconscious.

quote:

"So let me get this straight, my mother's name was Claire, my father's name was Chaorr and he's a chaos dragon, I'm half chaos dragon, my parents gave me to you, and they died fighting with Drakath." Arceus said.

"So let me get this straight: my mother's name was Claire, my father's name was Chaorr and he's a chaos dragon, I'm half chaos dragon, my parents gave me to you, and they died fighting Drakath." Arceus said.

quote:

"I'm off now, see you later!" he said, then ran to Swordhaven. A few minutes later, he arrived at the castle.

O.O How close does he live to the castle?

quote:

"Rise, hero, and might I know you're name first?" the King said.

"Rise, hero, and might I know your name first?" the King said.

quote:

"My name is Arceus, you're highness." Arceus said, then stood up.

"My name is Arceus, your Highness." Arceus said, then stood up.

quote:

"With all do respect, your highness, I side with no one. But I am willing to do whatever you request of me." Arceus said.

"With all due respect, your highness, I side with no one. But I am willing to do whatever you request of me." Arceus said.

quote:

King Alteon examined him carefully,

King Alteon examined him carefully. OR
King Alteon examined him carefully and said,

quote:

After a few hours of running, fighting off monsters, and stopping to take a break, Arceus arrived at the mountain range.

Did he really take a break for a few hours?

quote:

at the mountain range. Arceus searched for any signs of Sepulchure's fortress and found it beside a mountain.

No duh. It's pretty obvious that you'll find something next to a mountain if you found it in a mountain range. And why do you need a moment to find a giant skeletal dragon supporting a fortress on top?

Chapters 3 - 8 coming later.

EDIT: Wow...just realized only 3/11 of your posts DON'T have smiley faces... Some of them have multiple though, so it's pretty much only ONE of them doesn't have a smiley face.



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/10/2013 23:20:27)

@araxia, So, first of all, thanks for the corrections. I'll change them immediately. Fixed it.
Second:
quote:

It's a bit unrealistic though, not considering the fact that it's in a fantasy world that incorporates magic and unicorns.

How so?
quote:

Things to Improve:

Capitalization - greenguard forest, lightguard keep/ Greenguard Forest, LightGuard Keep

Tenses - Drakath ran as fast as he can through the forest as tears formed in his eyes/ Drakath ran as fast as he could through the forest while tears formed in his eyes.

Word Choice - Galanoth, I am ready to face the chaos dragons now. Tell me where they are hiding/ Galanoth, I'm ready to face the chaos dragons. Tell me where they're hiding.

Comma Usage - The air was blowing coldly, as the sound of dragon wings flapping heavily, fills the air/ The air was blew coldly as the sound of dragon wings, flapping heavily, filled the air

Fashion Sense - He now wore a blue t-shirt under his leather armor and brown pants and holding his sword at his left arm/ He now wore a clean white t-shirt and blue jeans underneath his leather armor. His sword lay in a sheath on his waist.

I'll try to follow this as much as possible for the whole story.
quote:

O.O How close does he live to the castle?

He flew there.
quote:

Did he really take a break for a few hours?

No. Just stopping every, say, thirty minutes.
quote:

No duh. It's pretty obvious that you'll find something next to a mountain if you found it in a mountain range. And why do you need a moment to find a giant skeletal dragon supporting a fortress on top?

lol, I feel stupid now.

So, thanks for the feedback [:)]



araxia -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/11/2013 0:47:44)

I found some more errors. I'll start posting them in a new format.

But first...
quote:

"I'm off now, see you later!" he said, then ran to Swordhaven. A few minutes later, he arrived at the castle.
quote:

He flew there.
You said he ran in the story.

Prologue

quote:

The air was blew coldly as the sound of dragon wings, flapping heavily, filled the air.

The air blew coldly as the sound of dragon wings, flapping heavily, filled the air.

quote:

He stopped on a nearby tree,

o-o I think you mean he stopped next to a tree.

quote:

But you are no match for him on your state.

But you are no match for him in your state.

quote:

Hahaha! When Drakath finally got rid of Chaorr and the others, I shall take on my role as the most powerful dragon on lore!

Hahaha! When Drakath finally gets rid of Chaorr and the others, I shall take on my role as the most powerful dragon on lore!

quote:

The next day the door of the tower opened and a man wearing a paladin's armor saw the basket and the note in it.
quote:

Back at Chaorr's castle, Drakath was killing every chaos dragon he sees. Drakath grabbed a chaos dragon on it's neck and looked it in the eyes.

You mean battling ceased for a whole day just so Artix could pick up the baby? I suggest: The next day the door of the tower would open, and a man wearing paladin armor would see the basket and the note in it.

quote:

P.S. His name in Arceus.

P.S. His name is Arceus.

quote:

Artix looked at the child and smiled then picked up the sword and the basket and went back inside his tower.

If you're not taking the above correction into consideration, this would be: Artix looked at the child and smiled. He picked up the sword and basket and went back inside the tower.
If you are, I suggest taking it out completely. Readers can assume that the Artix is going to take Arceus in due to the fact that Artix is training him.

quote:

Back at Chaorr's castle, Drakath was killing every chaos dragon he sees. Drakath grabbed a chaos dragon on it's neck and looked it in the eyes.

Back at Chaorr's castle, Drakath was killing every chaos dragon he saw. Drakath grabbed a chaos dragon by it's neck and looked it in the eyes.

quote:

He conjured a chaotic fireball on his free hand and threw it at the chaos dragon.

He conjured a chaotic fireball in his free hand and threw it at the chaos dragon.

quote:

Claire jumped down from Chaorr's back on full battle armor.

Claire jumped down from Chaorr's back in full battle armor.


You know, I feel like rewriting your whole story with correct tenses and proper grammar because of my OCD, but that'd take away all self-accomplishment on your part. Anyways, I'm too tired to do much more . I'll hopefully post the errors for chapters 1 - 6 tomorrow. See ya!




_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/11/2013 5:35:58)

@araxia, Fixed it. Wow, I didn't know there was so much errors in my story.
quote:

You said he ran in the story.

Right. Sorry.
quote:

You know, I feel like rewriting your whole story with correct tenses and proper grammar because of my OCD, but that'd take away all self-accomplishment on your part. Anyways, I'm too tired to do much more . I'll hopefully post the errors for chapters 1 - 6 tomorrow.

Thanks for the concern. I'll try to fix the errors on chapters 1-6 for you. Fixed it. Let me know if you found anymore errors.
(P.S. Sometimes, my eyes fail me.)

Um......What's OCD?



araxia -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/11/2013 15:47:33)

quote:

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (often shortened to OCD) is an anxiety disorder that causes repeated and unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and actions (compulsions). Anxiety is one of the most common symptoms and can lead the individual to believe that if a task is not completed, something bad may happen. Such a task may be washing hands five times. This belief leads to more anxiety and tension. OCD can limit one's ability to take part in relationships, the workplace, and in society in general.
Taken from Wikipedia
Please, please, note that I have only slight OCD. I'm not going to think the world's going to end if I don't finish typing this. It's more the perfectionist type of OCD.

By the way, how do you type your I's? Here's your last post:
quote:

Fixed it. Wow, I didn't know there was so much errors on my story.

Fixed it. Wow, I didn't know there was so much errors in my story.

Typing up the chapter error reports while simultaneously doing my homework. I'll get those reviews to you later.

EDIT: Okay, I officially give up. I went ahead and typed your story up. You'll see it as soon as I figure out how to attach files to posts.

In the meantime...

Chapter 1

Nice job. No errors beyond the aforementioned past/present jumping.

Chapter 2

quote:

Just tell me what the two of you had spoken of when you get back.

Just tell me what the two of you spoke of when you get back.

quote:

I want you to find out where Sepulchure's fortress landed on.

I want you to find out where Sepulchure's fortress landed. OR
I want you to find out what Sepulchure's fortress landed on.

quote:

The girl has blood red hair with blue eyes and was wearing a doomknight armor.

The girl has blood red hair with blue eyes and was wearing doomknight armor.

quote:

How should I know if I can trust you? That you're not just some kind of spy for the King?

It wouldn't really matter if he was a spy or not. If Gravelyn accepted the truce, she'd have to share info even if Arceus wasn't a spy.

quote:

"Okaaaay. I'm gonna.......leave now." Arceus said, the ran off.

"Okaaaay. I'm gonna.......leave now." Arceus said, then ran off.

quote:

So, what did you and the King talked about?

So, what did you and the King talk about?

Chapter 3

Another nice job. I think you're getting better.

Chapter 4
quote:

He wore a gray plated armor with light blue trims and was decorated with runes.

He wore a gray plated armor with light blue trim that was decorated with runes.

quote:

The claymore (I decided it was a claymore) were also decorated with runes on it's blade.

The claymore (I decided it was a claymore) was also decorated with runes on it's blade.

quote:

She wore a red robe with black trims and wore a pair of black boots.

She wore a red robe with black trim and wore a pair of black boots.

quote:

Okaaaay......Since you're here to help, might as well get things done around here 'cause I've been stuck here for days listening to Renn and his "follow the good" conversations, and I'm sick of hearing those stuff.

Okaaaay......Since you're here to help, might as well get things done around here 'cause I've been stuck here for days listening to Renn and his "follow the good" conversations, and I'm sick of hearing that stuff.

quote:

Arceus said, then ran off searching every inverted house on town until finally he found the house that Anna and Otto was hiding on.

Arceus said, then ran off searching every inverted house in town until finally he found the house that Anna and Otto was hiding in.
Actually, this is a really good point. If a town is inverted, wouldn't the houses be "on" rather than "in?" However, I did this according to the game. (in)

quote:

Our homes... our town... was twisted...turned backwards and inside-out with his awfull eyeball staff.

Our homes... our town... were twisted...turned backwards and inside-out with his awfull eyeball staff.

quote:

Your right. We... we think he was after this.

You're right. We... we think he was after this.

quote:

Arceus nodded then ran off to the Faerie forest.When he arrived,

OCD -_- Arceus nodded then ran off to the Faerie forest. When he arrived,

quote:

Arceus knocked off the chainsaw from a sneevi's hand, same goes for the other sneevils.

Arceus knocked off the chainsaw from a sneevil's hand, same went for the other sneevils.

quote:

He ducked on time and evaded the axe.

He ducked just in time and evaded the axe.

quote:

Arceus crawled between the cyclops feet then stabbed it behind the knee.

Arceus crawled between the cyclops' feet then stabbed it behind the knee.

quote:

Arceus quickly jumped out of the way and stabbed the cyclops in it's the left foot.

Arceus quickly jumped out of the way and stabbed the cyclops on its left foot.

quote:

Thank you again for saving our Forest, you will be ever welcome here.

Thank you again for saving our Forest, you will always be welcome here.

quote:

That golem wants to play hardball… then I'm… I mean your just the hero to do it.

That golem wants to play hardball… then I'm… I mean you're just the hero to do it.

quote:

Nothing. I'm goin now.

Nothing. I'm going now.

quote:

I won't leave until Chaos Valley is safe!" Arceu said.

I won't leave until Chaos Valley is safe!" Arceus said.

quote:

Arceus said, then swam off of the water.

Arceus said, then swam out of the water.

Ch. 5 - 8 hopefully coming tomorrow

EDIT: EDIT: Wow. You ninja'd me while I was typing out a long corrections list. Congrats.



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/11/2013 23:23:54)

@araxia, Great, my eyes failed me again -_-
quote:

Please, please, note that I have only slight OCD. I'm not going to think the world's going to end if I don't finish typing this. It's more the perfectionist type of OCD.

Relax, I understand.
quote:

Okay, I officially give up. I went ahead and typed your story up. You'll see it as soon as I figure out how to attach files to posts.

I look forward to that.
quote:

Ch. 5 - 8 hopefully coming tomorrow

I just finished checking any more errors........I think.

So, thanks for the corrections.
(P.S You can edit my story before you finished typing it if you want. Don't change it completely though.)

Chapter 9 is up. Enjoy [:)]



_Arceus_ -> RE: Legend of Arceus Discussion thread (2/15/2013 8:40:40)

Hey guys, chapter 10 is up. Enjoy [:)]

Chapter 11 is here too. Enjoy [:)]



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