Fang of the Lion [Small portion] (Feedback) (Full Version)

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truevillianofworlds -> Fang of the Lion [Small portion] (Feedback) (1/18/2013 8:37:36)

<Before he can react Lionfang knees him in the stomach and Lionfang hits him in the back of the head with an elbow>

<The knight falls to the stone floor unconscious next to his fellow guard>

Lionfang: *Spits* They have grown idle and weak under Alteon's charade of a truce. These traitors should be standing beside the Golden Onslaught and fighting for the greater and true GOOD in sight!

Lionfang: *Looks at the Swordhaven banner and then towards the Shadowscythe logo next to it* Instead they align themselves with Gravelyn and her vermin empire that mocks us, knowing it has Alteon by the throat.

Lionfang: *Cracks his whip toward the SS banner which gets sliced in half.* They will be cured of their blindness once closed eyes are open whole when they see their partnership torn in half and their truce reduced to rubble.

Any ideas on how I could improve even this small portion? What do you all think?



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Fang of the Lion [Small portion] (Feedback) (3/7/2013 8:40:18)

First thing first: The script format is not a good start. It might give the illusion of a 'cinematic' feel (which it indeed confers IF you had the animation, and the voice acting, and the music, and the sound effect, and... you get the picture), but it actually doesn't. You want to build up a description as vivid as you can, which means getting rid of the script, adding dialogue tags, and describing the action in fluider terms than "Character A does this, then this happens".

On the other hand, the script itself is fairly good but for this part:

quote:

They will be cured of their blindness once closed eyes are open whole when they see their partnership torn in half and their truce reduced to rubble.


The scratched part is unnecessary. It is supposed to be poetic and dramatic, but all it does is restate what "cured of their blindness" said.

Looking forward to the next draft. Good luck!



Blue Revenge -> RE: Fang of the Lion [Small portion] (Feedback) (3/10/2013 3:10:43)

^Perhaps there is a reason for his repetition.



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