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RevzZ the Optivus -> RE: [Requesting Critique] (1/31/2013 21:08:26)
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Ok. Thanks for letting me try out my critiquing hand once again!
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The two rivals stand across the battlefield glancing at one another with determined and unflinching eyes. "I was more confident when we fought each other the first time, back when you weren't under Gravelyn's rule like you ironically are now." Artix says to his adversary that he had once defeated when everything was on the line.
What's the setting of the battlefield? Use the five senses of the human body to your advantage. Did the battlefield smell like blood? Were there bodies on the ground everywhere, perhaps groaning in pain? What about the weather and the time of day? Is it a spooky and eerie night or a bright sunny day?
quote:
Vordred increases his grip on the handle of his blade
Maybe you can describe the weapon he is holding. No doubt, there would be a difference if he was holding an average steel sword compared to a large demonic sword. Is the sword metal, perhaps? If it is, what kind of metal is it? Is it covered with blood from the previous victim or cleaned and polished? Maybe there are symbols on the sword. Does it glow? Is the sword one handed or two? Double edged or one?
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You are the champion of darkness that is a turned traitor.
My opinion as it sounds better. The other one didn't make sense.
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or make you submit to your destiny.
Spelling corrected.
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Artix smiles. "The last time I heard that I alluded both and beat you." he say's
Don't need it. We already know who is talking by now.
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A hollow laugh emmits from the PaladinSlayer's helmet upon hearing Artix.
Spelling corrected. PaladinSlayer is a "title" and needs a capital letter. Slayer can either be split apart to create Paladin Slayer or PaladinSlayer. It looks weird as: "Paladinslayer". Eye candy ;)
quote:
Artix slicks back his brown hair with his hand in a heavying manner as if he had been struck with a realization. He thought he should have kept the amulet just in case he needed it.
If he was worried and panicking like this, he would be sweating, in turn, making his hair greasier than before. A bead of sweat could add on to the effect, to show fear.
Fixed a bit of grammar and there might be more but very minor points. No need to worry there.
While it is just a start, it sounds great. I recommend you to keep going and continuing improving. I noticed you ARE able to use a couple of descriptive words and that's great. Good language, interesting plot start. Nice job!
-RO
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