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Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (DF) Will of Scarlet Fire Discussion and Critisism room (2/5/2013 8:19:55)
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*Cracks knuckles.*
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The colors of its leaves did not matched the season’s motif, as the leaves and shrubs colors ranged from amber to golden brown to almost actual golden.
match
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Despite their autumn colors, the forest was still vibrant, and there <> no creatures more lively than the beings playing within it, their Tabi’s making bold steps upon the soil.
were, Tabis (you may want to explain to your readers what those are)
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Wrapped about her body was a small Panlong, or Chinese, dragon of Golden scales and jade beady eyes, its head floating above her left shoulder.
or Chinese dragon
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They were both wearing the same kind of Japanese outfits with the same color scheme, but the boy wore short black pants that simply covered above the knee, with straps in a simple knot, while the girl had a dress identical to her mother’s. except wide enough to fit her broad body.
, except/. Except
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The two children were not using their clothes right now thought.
though
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They were both wearing simple short pants right now, as they were wrestling while their mother observed to make sure they did not went out of hand.
it went not out of hand
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He was very sweaty as he held his arms up high and laughed out loud un Victory.
on victory
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His boast was cut short by his sister pushing while he was unaware.
his sister pushing him/a push from his sister
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A small clap from the mother stopped then from starting another match.
them
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Go now and wash he dirt off, he should be here soon.
the
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Even the flow off the nearby river seemed to be muffled.
of
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The mother stood up before It got to a point where she would have been unable to.
it
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Redell, The mother, was finally able to compose herself in the tremor.
the
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She and the Panlong, or were pulled, flying into the ethereal portal.
Why do you use "or" here?
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It did not last long, however, and she did not even saw who had tried to rescue her.
(have the opportunity to) see
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For a long time, all that Redell could see and feel was darkness.
How can you feel darkness? You might want to describe that to the reader.
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“I must be dreaming” she concluded when se realized she could see herself in the complete darkness: It was black as far as her eyes could see.
she
Also, I see a contradiction here. First you state that she can clearly see herself and then you proceed to tell that it was black as far as her eyes could see. I would put in something which excludes her own body from that statement.
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A male donning a Warrior’s Armor of color Red and with Silver Trims, the hilt of an ordinary longsword sheathed within a scabbard on the back of a brown pack, held together by straps encircling the backpack, was visible across his right shoulder.
A remarkably detailed description, though you must answer me why you use capital letters for words as red and silver?
warrior, armor, red, silver, trims
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She looked at the Warrior again and inquired “Anata wa oni wa nandes ka<>”
warrior, ?
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Redell blinked and then spoke the same line in a different language that the Warrior did understood.
warrior, understand
Is there a special reason as to why she, as an outsider, can communicate with him?
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Front and back, her hand was lean and normal looking, as was her arms.
were
I don't think "normal" would be the way to describe her altered body. I very much doubt she would consider it to be normal.
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Her Tabi’s skeeted over the grass at a fast speed until she found what she was looking for.
Tabis
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What she saw was the face of a young woman with a long flowing scarlet hair, similar to The Lady’s hairstyle.
human female
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Her expression in the water was <> of complete astonishment.
of
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When Redell’s head emerged back up, she saw the embarrassed form of the male scratching the back of his head with <> Hero haircut.
the
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It was obvious se was casting a spell and the Warrior was not surprise about it.
she, surprised
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Warth began to emanate from her body.
Warmth
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“Whatever you need to explain, better it be on town rather than the middle of Surewould forest. The least I can do is lead you, Ma’am.”
it had better be in town
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Then allow me escort here as well. Is a quest, Helping other is my job after all.
That doesn't sound right.
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“No need to warm me.”
warn
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The Two sword wielder’s left in search of Redell’s companion, her Dragon.
two swordwielders
Another thing, the link leading to this page is easy to miss. I'd suggest changing the orange text into something which makes the red of the link stand out more.
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