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Trainz_07 -> RE: A Broken fate Discussion (3/28/2013 9:56:29)
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Hello deathlord45, first off, I would like to address the matter of paragraph separation, which seems to be lacking in your story. The scarcity of paragraph separation has made it significantly difficult to read your chapters, since so many words are all clumped together. Naturally how you structure your chapters is entirely up to you, but I would just like to suggest to split paragraphs in such a way that will make it easier for your readers to purvey your story.
More importantly is the issue of the dialogue. Generally, when writing any form of dialogue, when you move on to the next speaker, you have to break into a new paragraph. For example:
quote:
“Hey Drake!” as he looked towards the source of the sound he saw Kane running up the hall towards him. “Hey Kane. What is it?” asked Drake normally “Terra is being taken to the Council.” responded Kane in between breaths “What!” at the mention of the Council, Drake began to lose his composure “Why? What did she do?” the Council are the one's who administer the test “She got into a fight with Luna.
This should be modified into this form:
“Hey Drake!” as he looked towards the source of the sound he saw Kane running up the hall towards him.
“Hey Kane. What is it?” asked Drake normally.
“Terra is being taken to the Council.” responded Kane in between breaths.
“What!” at the mention of the Council, Drake began to lose his composure. “Why? What did she do?” The Council are the one's who administer the test.
“She got into a fight with Luna."
quote:
While Kane on the other-hand was much shorter with a lighter complexion than Drake's, sandy brown hair and one blue and one green eye
While I appreciate your intent of describing your character's physical traits, I think you would have benefited in employing the 'show don't tell' method. This is a popular and significant technique where you as a writer are trying to 'show' your story through the readers, to allow them to experience it through the senses, as well as via the actions, thoughts and words of the characters themselves, rather than simply telling your readers. It helps to make your stories more vivid and interesting. I'll give you an example:
Tell: John was angry at Mike.
Show: John glared at Mike, his fists clenched as his entire being shook with a violent fury.
Perhaps not the best example, but I hope that it conveys to you the difference between 'telling' and 'showing'. While there are definitely circumstances where telling is the better method, when it comes to descriptions, be they about the setting or character appearances, showing is almost always the way to go.
quote:
He had gotten up feeling that things would finally change that he would finally pass the test to become a full Drakous member and join those already being sent out on missions for the Drakous
Slight punctuation hiccup here. There should be a comma between 'change' and 'that'. Actually there are also several sentences throughout your story that warrant a comma, which will help to ease the flow of your sentences. My suggestion is to read through some of your sentences, and if you feel out of breath after reading one, then perhaps a comma should be inserted somewhere. While punctuation and grammaratical errors do not really interfere with the actual plot, sometimes they can be a little distracting, so pay close attention to that.
While it's clear that Drake is the protaganist of your story, it seems that you didn't really write much about his inner thoughts and whatever's going on in his mind as the story progresses. Stories are very much about the characters as they are about the plot, and I very much would have liked to see more of Drake's personalities and traits. It's important to invest some time in molding you main character, because he's gonna appear a lot in your story. Write about his habits, his goals, his strengths, his fears, his backstory...try recalling characters from your favourite books and think about what it was about them that made them so memorable.
In regards to the plot, while I liked how you created a premise involving a prophecy, there were a few confusions that I would like to point out.
First off, I didn't really understand the Drakous. While you have provided the details of their training and the members' professions, you have not explained their identity as well as their purpose. Who or what exactly is the Drakous? What is it about them that attracted Drake into wanting to join them?
Also, at the end of chapter two, Prince Arros mentioned that he 'hoped that Mallek's three generals died when they fell off the glacier cliffs all those years ago'. But then he says that he 'guessed that it was too much to expect that they had fallen to their deaths.' Unless I'm missing something, there is a distinct inconsistency in his two statements.
In terms of setting, I don't think it was properly established. You haven't written enough descriptions about the surrounding for me to picture where the characters are. Remember that while advancing the plot is important, it also helps to describe the scenery and surroundings, to help give the readers a sense of the world that you're trying to paint.
With all that said, I must applaud you on starting to write your very first story. While your writing needs a bit of work, don't feel discouraged and just continue writing. Remember that practice makes perfect, and your piece is already quite good considering your lack of experience.
If you have any questions regarding my critique, feel free to ask and remember that all that I've said is of my own opinion which isn't necessarily the most optimal. Keep writing and good luck!
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