Blackshock -> RE: =OS= Dragons, Undead & Paladins... oh my! Character Suggestion Thread III (5/19/2015 12:01:16)
Giving up already? That's not the spirit. If you really wanna improve on your input then work on refining your overall idea.
An idea is like raw material, it's the core element behind a good character. With enough refinement you can take crude ore and forge it into steel. The point of asking for CC is to find out what exact parts of your entry need improvement on, not to fish out compliments on what's already good in it *though admittedly it's a nice bonus.*. Right now, again I will lay out exactly what you need improving on with your character in a bulleted list so if you really want to improve him, you can start there. Again I state, these are just my opinions so you're free to ignore them if you want to.
1. Improve your grammar. This is a fundamental basic. If you want to properly convey your written entry then you have to improve your sentence structure. Too many run on sentences. Know when to break up a sentence into two with a period or a comma so it doesn't run on for too long.
Death Titan began life in a terrible situation unable to speak and born with an unatural ability to control the dead from a young age his parents unable to handle him as they abandon him forcing him to raise himself
It would have been better off broken as:
Death Titan began life in a terrible situation unable to speak and born with an unatural ability to control the dead from a young age. His parents unable to handle him as they abandon him forcing him to raise himself
Next problem with this sentence is that it's written awkwardly. A few words here and there could improve the sentence flow like this
Death Titan began life in a terrible situation as he was unable to speak and was born with an unnatural ability to control the dead from a young age. His parents were unable to handle him and thus they abandoned him, forcing him to raise himself
It's basically the same idea, but now it's worded much better. Never underestimate how grammar can improve your work.
2. The way you introduced the elements of your character just seem a bit disjointed really since like I said before, there is too much going on. That or the things that do go on kind of clash with each other in the tone you're trying to set.
The initial background you set for your character has him be a being of OP necrotic potential who was betrayed by his master and is hell bent on revenge. A pretty dark tone you initially set. The problem here lies with the fact that apparently, moglins are an integral design trait of your character. This is where things get a bit iffy. Yes, there are moglins who dabble in necromancy, but the moglin you presented in your character page looks too cutesy.
You also said that your character travels the world helping any moglin you can find. It really clashes with your whole "hell bent on revenge to kill kabroz" line of motivation that you stated previously. Do you want to be this grim, dark, edgy harbinger of death or do you want to be a protector of moglins? It's hard to be both and be taken seriously. Either pick one, or find a way so that you can hit two birds with one stone for his motivation.
One other thing about your character's theme is his army. It just seems so random tbh. You never explained how exactly does he build his army. I guess I can assume that he uses his power to resurrect beings with their original power but didn't you also say that kabroz stole his power and that he used the last of it to bring back his moglin buddy? That's a story inconsistency right there. If it's done by those mind controlling masks, then you should have started by introducing the concept of the mind control masks first before you introduced the rest of your army. That way, you explain how his army is built, then you show an example of a person recruited that way. Introducing new ideas without clarifying important concepts just makes the reader more confused so it's best to clarify what's already there before you add in more stuff.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm leaving this here not to demean your attempts but so you'd know just what exactly it is you could work on. Again, this is just my own opinion so take it with a grain of salt. You have the ideas, but you lack the refinement. You still have a looong way to go, but that doesn't mean you won't get there if you work hard enough.