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Trainz_07 -> RE: The Reaper's Associate Comments & Criticism (3/28/2013 7:14:57)
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First off, nice title, I admit that it holds a certain appeal for me, especially considering my fascination with the concept of the reaper.
I would like to first draw your attention to several parts of your story.
quote:
"I believe I have something that belongs to you, Alexander Grey." The figure said, amused as he heaved the thing off his shoulder and threw it out in front of him. It was a body.
"Would you be so kind so as to keep your dogs away from our land?" The figure spoke again before suddenly disappearing with the next flash of lightning.
For me, the exchange here is a little too abrupt and short. It seems to me that you were going for the mysterious-stranger-suddenly-appears-and-disappears thing, which is perfectly fine, but I think that you could've added a little more. Perhaps additional descriptions of this figure or Alexander's reaction to its appearance, which will enhance the mystique of this strange hooded figure. Indeed, since the prologue is written from the perspective of Alex, his thoughts and reactions should be included to better describe whatever's happening, especially since your readers will technically be knowing your story through your characters.
quote:
Almost instantly, Alexander's eyes widened as his eyes fell on a familiar face, that of his friend, his support, his ally, his associate. A face all pale and cold, peaceful, as if asleep.
Here I can see you building up to a shocking revelation, but I would liked it if you turned up the drama factor. Since this scene is supposed to instill the reader with surprise and alarm, I personally think that you could do more things to build anticipation. For example, you could change the commas to full stops, like so:
His friend. His support. His ally. His associate.
Actually, I personally would have preferred if you put 'his friend' as the last part, since I think that would have evoked more compassion from the readers.
quote:
The walls of Raymond's office were sparkling white and all kinds of trophies, shields and plaques lined the wooden shelves. A massive portrait of an old man wearing a grey vest and a black coat hung behind the Director. It had a gold and red frame with an inner trim made of black wood. The man in it wore gold-rimmed spectacles and held a pipe in his left hand. Other paintings lined the walls as well, but none so grand as the portrait.
Nothing wrong with this scene, but reading it a few times made me realize that you could do so much more with the portrait description wise. Obviously this particular portrait holds significant meaning for the Director, so additional details about it will help imprint it upon the readers' mind and make them think like 'Hey, this painting seems important.'
While you did a good job of describing his outfit, perhaps you could have done more in terms of his expression. Did he wore a somber expression? Was he jolly? What was his body posture in the painting? At what age was the man when the painting was made? In addition to contributing to the aspect of imagery that helps the readers to 'see' the story, portraits are often a good way of capturing that person's personality, without another person explaining it.
quote:
“…Who is now here.”
A familiar voice interrupted Armand’s speech as Sir Raymond stepped into the Entrance Hall and walking past the Reapers, stood in front of the still confused crowd of young men and women.
I just wanted to point out that there should have been a line break after 'Who is now here.' It's a minor grammatical hiccup which happens a few times throughout your stories, so maybe you could pay attention to it.
quote:
“And what was that?” A girl spoke up.
“Reaping. Our job requires us to reap lost souls so that they are not left in eternal torment.”
“What a load of rubbish…!” A boy blurted out. “Reaping souls? That’s the worst thing I’ve heard all day.”
“But surely it is very easy to reap lost souls, isn’t it?” A boy wearing glasses spoke calmly.
“You are mistaken.” Sir Raymond held up his finger. “Not all souls are docile. Some need to be put down before they can be caught.”
“What are souls, exactly?” A girl asked. “Do you mean ghosts or wisps?”
The problem with dialogues including multiples persons, especially when names haven't been established yet, is that you run the risk of confusing the readers. It's easy for the readers to become lost in the dialogue and become unsure of who's the person talking. Still, I see that you managed to keep the general flow going by making Sir Raymond the 'main speaker', so kudos to you. Just remember to be cautious when writing future multiple-person-dialogues.
Furthermore, this part also points out to me that there is a lack of movement in your dialogues (especially for the associates). Dialogues between people are almost never just focused on the words themselves. People often make subtle movements, in terms of body movements or their expressions, whether to punctuate a point or as a reaction to something. Even though the associates are at the moment merely minor characters, you should still imbue them with more aliveness, just so that the conversation seems more authentic. I'm sure that you're aware of this, so just treat this as a reminder.
After reading the 3 chapters, what I would like to see more from you is characterisation. I notice that you keep shifting the point of view from one character from the other, and I suggest that you put some effort into molding distinct personalties for them. For me, that's the whole point of writing in different POV's, to show the story from multiple perspectives which differ from one another. Of course, you have only written 3 chapters so maybe I am speaking too soon.
On a side note, are Alex and Raymond related? Since the surnames you gave them were Grey and Gray respectively.
Moving on, I think that you did a great job on describing the setting, yet I feel that you haven't really unleashed your potential yet. In the prologue alone, you could've expanded on the description of weather. Since it was raining, what was the color of the sky? Was it night time? How heavy was the rain? Was it a storm? Of course, it's important that you stick to your own style of descriptions, but just remember that descriptions serve to help the readers visualize the unfolding scenes on a more visceral level. While I was reading the prologue, I couldn't actually picture the condition he was in and the state of his surroundings.
On a more positive note, I really enjoyed the premise of your story. You really caught my attention when Raymond explained the identity and function of the Reapers. It has a bit of an anime-ish flair to it, but I like it nonetheless. I also liked how you maintained the consistency of the tone in each chapter.
I would like to commend on your pacing as well. While there were parts of your story where you could have expanded on, the overall flow of the story was smooth and easy, not at all rushed. I think it's great that you're able to produce such fluency, so keep at it.
Naturally all my comments are of my own opinion only, and I do hope that they help. If you have any questions or would like me to clarify on anything, feel free to let me know. I look forward to seeing your story unfold, and I really feel that it has the potential to become something great. Keep it up!
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