|
Arthur -> RE: 10,000 Years Comments & Criticism! (2/25/2013 2:37:01)
|
Heyo White Knight,^^
Well, since I am on a personal mission to get this section of L&L going, I decided to check out your story too.
So, before I get to the story itself, I would suggest moving all the information that is NOT in itself related to your actual story to your first post in this thread, for example, the application format at the end. The Credits you can keep in that thread if you want to. Just saying because it gets confusing.
Anyways, let's begin.
Oh, and one other question, would you like an in-depth critique routine from me or should I just point out your spelling errors with reasoning?
Let me know, okay?
quote:
For 10,000 years Dragons have ruled the skies.
The Dragons
quote:
They have, and always shall be ruled by a council of eight.
"will" is more appropriate.
quote:
Each Dragon resembling an element, Fire, Water, Wind, Ice, Earth, Energy, Light, and Darkness.
If you have made this a separate sentence, then switch the "resembling" with "resembles" or "resembled".
quote:
Soon, Elves and Dwarves were brought into the mix, soon after Humans followed.
Not "soon", avoid repeating the same word in the same sentence. Use "and then after" in it's place.
quote:
So to fix the balance and give way into the Kingdom of Dragons; the eight Dragon lords had an Amulet forged for each of the 3 races' kings.
A comma after "So" and replace "to" with "in order to".
quote:
With the amulets the Kings and Queens of each race could transform into a dragon themselves and fly up to Arlzo-Creid, and meet the Elder dragons for a council that would be held every 500 years.
You need to cut this sentence into parts using more commas and full stops.
It's too much to digest in one line and the pacing suddenly gets too fast. Explain a few things. What is Arlzo-Creid? Who is this Dragon?
quote:
Unfortunately as time passed, people of all races desired more power, including the dragons.
Use "started to desire" in place of "desired".
quote:
The Dragon lords exiled many of their power hungry kin to Mt. Sheol. It was a Hell on Earth, where the extreme were sent to die, but sometimes it threw something back to the regular world.
"regular" isn't necessary here.
quote:
It threw backthe great eight's corrupted brother. Zombay.
"It had thrown back"
A comma after brother, not a full stop.
You need to figure out where to break sentences and where to connect two of them.
Also, work on your commas and full stops.
It's a bit difficult to pick up what exactly is going on from the prologue, but I am getting a feeling that this Zombay character is gonna be a tough cookie.^^
|
|
|
|
