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Trainz_07 -> RE: Mad world comments and discussion (3/6/2013 2:56:40)
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I have just read your story, and if it's okay I would like to first address the grammatical aspect of your piece.
First and foremost is that I suggest interposing spacing between each paragraph. Generally readers prefer that kind of format because it really helps facilitate the reading process.
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Unfortunately there were no outsiders to spectate this stunning marriage, if there were, perhaps things might have turned out differently.
The comma here can be replaced with semi-colon, which helps to connect the two parts of the sentence and shows that there is a relation between them.
quote:
A lone child forded his way through the blinding sleet
I know this isn't grammar, but the word forded implies crossing a river or stream, and as such isn't the suitable word here.
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Panic his only companion as he desperately tried to force his way through the near impenetrable blizzard
There should be a 'was' in between panic and his.
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the boy slowly began to lose all thought the hail biting at what skin was exposed
There should be a comma after the word 'thought'
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his front legs begin to buckle ‘is this it? Does it all end here?
A full stop after buckle.
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disappear one by one his parent’s, his friend’s, his hobbies, his favorite memories
I would suggest replacing the comma with a colon.
quote:
old achievement
achievements
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ironically the boy loved the snow
'i' should be capitalized.
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his first crush under the moonlight her firey red hair a stark contrast
Fiery. Also I think there should be a comma between moonlight and her
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miss the most about living was coming in from the snow feeling the sting of his body warming up.
I didn't really understand this part. Could you explain it?
quote:
That last of his thoughts flickered by leaving nothing but darkness as he quietly faded into death.
I think a comma should be put between by and leaving, it helps with the pacing.
Right, so for now I have just focused on punctuation and grammar, small things that are crucial to allow your readers to better peruse your stories.
Overall, I think it's a solid piece, and it strikes me that you have a flair for description, I very much like your description of the blizzard, it was very life-like. If you'd like a more in-depth critique, or if you don't agree with any of my corrections, please just let me know. Best of luck to you =)
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