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Argeus the Paladin -> RE: From Solider To Void C&C (3/7/2013 21:26:46)
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My biggest gripe with this story is that at the same time there's too much and too little things happening. The former, because you chose to just zoom past a big battle where so many things could have happened, and the latter because the whole chapter is too short and all dialogue. What you want is a house. Right now what you have is just the barest scaffolding put together from a DIY ACME kit.
This plot has a lot of potentials: It starts right in the middle of the action and promises much, much more than just a couple of dialogue lines here and there. With sufficient description, the possibilities are endless. What are they? What are they fighting? Is this part of a greater war, or just a skirmish? Are the men motivated by wealth, nationalism or a thirst of vengeance, or any esoteric reason you can think of? How is the battle going? Is it different from what they have seen before, or more of the same? If it seems to be more of the same, what sets this particular engagement apart? Just answering these questions will give a huge amount of insight into the world and characters you are building.
That's what you need to do if you want a house: Think about the questions you would ask yourself when you hear the words "A battle". Expound upon it and elaborate it further. That's the barest minimum.
As a side note, it is customary that every punctuation is followed by a space. In your script, every single word following a punctuation is written immediately after it. This makes it much, much harder to read.
All in all, good luck with building the house!
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