The Matchmaker (Full Version)

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Suikoman444 -> The Matchmaker (3/11/2013 14:24:31)

[image]http://media.artix.com/encyc/AQ/paebgcgdy/BattleOn/Rare.png[/image]
[img]http://media.artix.com/encyc/AQ/AQPedia2/Quests/SnuggleFest.jpg[/img]
The Matchmaker
SnuggleFest 2013


Location: Location: Snugglefest Portal Painting -> The MatchMaker

«You are presented with a scroll.»

It's Snugglefest, a time for love, wuv, and other sappy emotions. Unfortunately, not everyone can enjoy this celebration with their 'shmoopy-doopy' because *dramatic pause* they don't have one! And so, in the name of love (and SCIENCE!), one revolutionary sorta-hero has endeavoured to save our fair townsfolk from their single lives! This Snugglefest, Kamui Magitek Industries proudly unveils the latest in matchmaking technology, the L.O.V.E. Machine version 0.0.02, which - for the mere cost of your participation - will match you with a special someone just for you!* The even will take place in Battleon town square on Snugglefest. See you there, you lucky devil you. ;-)

This message brought to you by the Advertomatic version 2.9.1, Kamui Magitek Industries, patent pending the creatian of a Lorian patent office (patent pending).


  • Read fine print!

    «Scene zooms in on the tiny print on the bottom of the scroll.»

    *By participating you implicitly accept the risks of this alpha test and agree not to hold Kamui Magitek Industries - or its founder - liable for any broken hearts, slaps across the face, or flowers thrown at you during the course of the matchmaking experience. Participants acknowledge that Kamui Magitek Industries will not be held responsible for any faux pas made during the course of the dates resulting from its technology, and will NOT use its Kill-Sat to resolve intracouple disputes.

    «Scene: You have arrived at the Battleon town square. The L.O.V.E. Machine v.0.0.02 steams and shakes in the background.»

    «You»: Nobody's here... Am I early or something?
    L.O.V.E. Machine: On the contrary, «You»! Your timing could not be more perfect!
    «You»: Then where is everyone else?
    L.O.V.E. Machine: Isn't it obvious? They're all out experiencing the wonders of a match made in programs, in predetermined dating locales.
    «You»: So, I'm late then.
    L.O.V.E. Machine: Heavens, no! I needed the extra time to match you up! Do you know how hard it is to find an ideal partner for someone with a resume as extensive as yours?
    «You»: ... Hard?
    L.O.V.E. Machine: VERY hard! I had to refine the criteria no fewer than fifty-one times just to bring the pool down to something that wouldn't fry my hard drive!
    L.O.V.E. Machine: I don't know how you walk down the street without beating your fans off you with a stick!
    «You»: Well, aheh, now that you mention it...
    L.O.V.E. Machine: But don't you worry! I've found a special someone just for you! Are you ready to meet your destiny and give it a big smooch?
    «You»: Well, it is that time of year, I guess...
    L.O.V.E. Machine: Wonderful! Just step right through the portal!

    «A portal appears. Stepping through it, you reappear in a room in an inn, where a rock sits at a table upon which there lies a bouquet of flowers.»

    «You»: ... A rock? That machine thought that a ROCK was my destiny? That's my best match???
    «You»: *sigh* ... So, do you come here often?
    «You»: You were a rolling stone, then? Because I certainly don't see any moss on you.
    «You»: Okay, this is just too weird even by my standards. Listen, rock, it's not you, it's-- Oh, by the Earth Lord, why am I bothering?
    «You»: It's a rock, for crying out loud! It's not like it cares! I'm outta here!

    «The rock emotes-- it's heart breaks. </3 You return to Battleon town square, where you find Warlic and Kamui.»

    Warlic: -- and, well, it just wasn't going to work out.
    L.O.V.E. Machine: I beg to differ! The data show that you two have a LOT in common, which speaks volumes to your compatibility!
    Warlic: That's the problem. Warlicia and I have TOO MUCH in common. We're very nearly the same person. That's just not what I'm looking for.
    Kamui: (thinking) Note to self: Account for preference of mystery over familiarity.

    «Captain Rhubarb and Floyd the Trobble enter.»

    Capt Rhubarb: Ahoy! Is this the line for the Snugglefest event?
    L.O.V.E. Machine: Captain! Trobble! Good to meet you! I have both of your results ready and waiting! Just step through the portal when you're ready! Your matches will be on the other side!
    Capt Rhubarb: Great! I've been looking forward to this.

    «The Cap'n turns to his trobble.»

    Capt Rhubarb: Listen, it's been fun and all, but I really think we need to start seeing other people... or little blue birds, in your case.

    «Floyd emotes-- his heart breaks. </3»

    Capt Rhubarb: This is for the best.

    «They each step through the portal. In an inn room, they both reappear.»

    Capt Rhubarb: Yaaaaarr! You have GOT to be kidding me!

    «Floyd emotes, giving off little hearts. <3 The Scene returns to Battleon town square.»

    Capt Rhubarb: You have a cruel sense of humor, you dirty bilge rat.
    Kamui: (thinking) Hmm... interesting reaction, outside expected parameters. I guess I need to recheck the base programming for errors. Let's see what we have here.

    «Kamui reaches through a small portal and pulls out a scroll.»

    Kamui: Okay... recent results: Rhubarb and Trobble: 87 compatibility... well, I guess there is always a Trobble on the Red Betty...
    Kamui: «You» and Geo... 100. Hmm... well, it would be a rocky relationship, but it COULD work...
    Kamui: Constantin and Safiria... 98?? That can't be right. I'll need to take a LONG look at the matching parameters later.
    «You» Hey, can I take a look at that?
    Kamui: Certainly.

    «Kamui shows the scroll to you.»

    «You»: Um... is this some kind of code or something?
    Kamui: Something like that. The results, though, are here, here, and here.

    «A brief pause. Then:»

    «You»: Kamui?
    Kamui: Yes?
    «You»: There's a minus sign in front of those numbers.

    «Another pause.»

    Kamui: ... Oh, of course. It must be treating the results as absolute values. That would explain a lot.
    «You»: That's a pretty big problem. I'm not sure I want to know who else it paired up.
    Kamui: Eh, nothing as bad as Constantin and Safiria. Zephyros and Valencia. Algern and the Lightbringer.
    Kamui: The only one that really stands out is how it paired Galanoth and Sheila.
    «You»: Why, what did it do with them? Let me see those results.

    «Pause.»

    «You»: Ooooh, that couldn't have ended well...

    Earlier...

    «Scene: The Inn at the City of Deren.»

    Sheila: Galanoth, what a surprise.
    Galanoth: Sheila. I guess the machine paired the two of us up, then.

    «Jhan jumps out from behind the desk.»

    Jhan: Hello! Welcome to the fabulous Drakel Inn!
    Jhan: I'm your concierge, Jhan! And you must be the two we were told to expect! Well, rest assured, your dates will be here shortly.
    Galanoth & Sheila: What.
    Jhan: Don't you worry about a thing. At the fabulous Drakel Inn, we do everything to make sure your stay is--
    Galanoth: Let me guess, "fabulous"?
    Jhan: I was going to say "marvelous," actually, but that works, too! Please, allow me to take your helmet!
    Galanoth: NO.
    Jhan: On second thought, it does look rather dashing on you! Now, if you'll come right this way, I'll show you to your seats!

    «Scene fades. New Scene: Jhan leads Galanoth and Sheila to two separate tables.»

    Jhan: You and your date will be sitting here, m'lady!

    «He walks over to Galanoth.»

    Jhan: And you and your date will be sitting here, sir!
    ???: (off-Scene) Hello?

    «Jhan turns to face the direction from which the voice came.»

    Jhan: Ah! That must be our other guests! I'll be right back!

    «He leaves.»

    Sheila: ... This is awkward.
    ???: Well hellooo loverboy!

    «Kyrie and a Drakel named Kasn'hova enter. Everyone sits.»

    Kyrie: -- and then he said he'd take me to meet some girl called "Red Betty"! I mean, the nerve of it!

    «Kyrie puts her feet on the table. The Scene shifts to focus on the other table.»

    Kasn'hova: Wait, so you're saying that the Vartai have lived in secret for how long?
    Sheila: Are you really surprised? I mean, didn't the Drakel stay in their K'elds for--
    Kasn'hova: But that's completely different! We were isolated, yes, but you were hidden from the world!

    «Kyrie is now leaning on the table toward Galanoth.»

    Kyrie: -- and, anyway, that's what happened to my last ex.
    Galanoth: ...
    Kyrie: Oh, but I'd NEVER do something like that to you, darling.
    Galanoth: Yes, I'm sure you'd just write a song about me, or something...

    «Kyrie has fallen over backwards on the table.»

    Kasn'hova: Anyway, that's when I decided to put down my pen and fight.
    Sheila: That was awful noble of you, defending your K'eld in its time of need.
    Kasn'hova: Ha! I wish my reasons were that romantic! In all honesty, one of the orcs had just broken down my door, and I wasn't about to defend myself with just a pen.

    «Kyrie has somehow maneuvered her chair on top of the table; she is suspended upside-down, facing Galanoth.»

    Kyrie: -- said I was unstable. Can you imagine it? ME. UNSTABLE!
    Galanoth: ... I'm surprised he would say that. ... To your face.
    Kyrie: I know, right? You know, Galanoth, it's so nice to finally meet a man who understands me. And I think I really understand you, too.
    Kyrie: It's like I know exactly what you're thinking... And the answer's yes.

    «Sheila suddenly stands.»

    Galanoth & Sheila: WHAT??
    Kasn'hova: ... What?
    (simultaneously) Galanoth: No, no! I did NOT ask that question! Kyrie: I'd LOVE To go dragon slaying with you!
    (simultaneously) Galanoth: Oh, THAT's what you meant? For a moment I was afraid-- Kyrie: Let's start with that Vartai girl over there! She's been looking over here like she wants to be the next "Red Betty," like she really stands a chance at coming between us...

    «Pause.»

    Galanoth: Um... no.
    Kyrie: No?
    Galanoth: No. Jhan would probably ask us to leave after "that Vartai girl" scorched the room and finished beating on you. Besides, Sheila's... a friend of mine.

    «Kyrie stands up on the table.»

    Kyrie: You cheating jerk! We haven't even finished our first date yet and you already have somebody on the side?? I'll kill her!

    «Galanoth stands up.»

    Galanoth: Not before going through me.
    Kyrie: Oh, but 'darling,' how are you going to stop me...

    «Two Love Minions enter.»

    Kyrie: ... when my friends are keeping you busy?
    Galanoth: ... Sheila? Please try not to burn down the Inn before I finish these guys.
    Sheila: I'm not promising anything.
    Galanoth: Fair enough. I should be done in 5 minutes.
    Sheila: Without your sword?
    Galanoth: ...

    «He pulls out a bouquet of flowers.»

    Galanoth: 6 minutes, then.

    «You are equipped with the Galanoth Form, Box of Chocolates, Rose Bouquet

    2 BATTLES (Full heal after 2nd Battle)
    Level 29 and Below: Love Minion (15)
    Level 30-49: Love Minion (35)
    Level 50-69: Love Minion (55)
    Level 70-89: Love Minion (75)
    Level 90-109: Love Minion (95)
    Level 110-129: Love Minion (115)
    Level 130-149: Love Minion (135)
    Level 150: Love Minion (155)

    Galanoth: Okay, then... shall we?
    Sheila: Surely.
    Kyrie: Oh, now you're just trying to make me mad!

    « Sheila becomes your Guest.»

    1 BATTLE
    Level 29 and Below: Kyrie (10)
    Level 30-49: Kyrie (30)
    Level 50-69: Kyrie (50)
    Level 70-89: Kyrie (70)
    Level 90-109: Kyrie (90)
    Level 110-129: Kyrie (110)
    Level 130-149: Kyrie (130)
    Level 150: Kyrie (150)

    «Scene returns to Battleon.»

    «You»: Okay, so I'll just go down there, make sure that Kyrie hasn't... well, been Kyrie, and then--
    Sheila: (off-Scene) Poor Jhan, though. He looked like he was going to faint when he saw the mess.
    Galanoth: *chuckle* Still the best of that date, though.

    «Sheila and Galanoth enter.»

    Galanoth: Hi. Yulgar still in the inn? I think we could both use a tall Mogberry right about now.
    «You»: Um... yeah.
    Galanoth: Good.

    «They head toward the inn.»

    Kamui: See, it all worked out in the end! Not bad for an alpha test!
    «You»: All worked? You set me up with a rock!
    Capt Rhubarb: And me with a trobble!
    Warlic: And me with... well, me.
    Kamui: *shrug* Love is an inexact science. And now I have a LOT of data to work with. I'll have the L.O.V.E. Machine version QT3.14 up and running by next Snugglefest!
    Everyone: ......
    Kamui: What?

    «Scene fades.»

    Kamui: Hey, what are you doing?? Stop! Hey! OW! Remember the waiver! Section 12, page-- OOF! "You will not send Kamui or his associates to meet the Reaper"! OUCH! Come on, it's Snugglefest!
    Matchmaker


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