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Victoria3114 -> RE: (OS) Souls at the edge of time (fanfic) (4/6/2013 21:12:05)
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It is rather gratifying to find another writer! Haiii~
I do hope it will have a plot? Because a plot is what drives the story.
Well, constructive criticism...
This first chapter is sorta... blunt. Very, very blunt. There's no storyline to it whatsoever, and it's not really that cohesive either. I can barely understand it at some points. You might want to read it over, and think from a reader's standpoint, would I be able to understand this?
Some more details:
quote:
I came from the Void, banished by Nulgath himself after turning to a Blood Fiend when entering the ranks of The Void. The Void is where the World belongs, The Void is what is the World. There is no existence, just The Void.
The Void is just "Void". The "The" shouldn't be capitalized... I think. In any case, it sorta disrupts the sentence.
quote:
Noone knows who started the war in which I resulted dead amongst others - Nulgath or Dadge. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why Dadge built his army from enslaved souls to his sentient undead horde. It doesn't matter if Nulgath will stay in power over the Oblivion Gateway. The destiny of the World is to be pushed through it. The battle between Evil and Chaos is just an opportunity.
"No one" is two words.
"In which I resulted dead" should be "in which I died". Redundant words and awkward phrasing.
Dage is spelled "Dage", minus that d you have there.
quote:
Mere fleshlings, never experienced how to exist without flesh and blood, how to exist almost not, how to be one with The Void. That's my advantage over them, that's my chance building my domain: I'm already familiar with Life, Death and even Undeath. I was a Blood Void, a Knight of The Void and now more, much more.
Fleshlings is a term that robots use. Void Knights are still meat and bone... but infused with void energies. Make it clearer that this is intended to show they have no experience with the void.
"Never experienced how to exist" should be "who have never experienced and existence absent of flesh and blood"
That first sentence is a blatant Run-on. Maybe one extra fragment is okay in writing, but two is rarely used. Be careful with that.
quote:
Me and the others like me are ripped from flesh and blood, only our souls remaining, and that's what matters, I give this to Oblivion, who guards the Nightmare Dungeon in Solace currently. He's there to challenge me, challenge us. Nulgath's ways are somewhat mysterious.
"Me and the others like me" should be "I, and others like me, were ripped from our flesh and blood. All that remained were our souls, and that was what mattered."
You have a huge run-on as your first sentence, or that comma after matters is a mistake.
"Who currently guards" cause sounds better.
"He's there to challenge me, challenge us" sounds like Oblivion is fighting them. Make it more clear that Oblivion is offering the challenges.
quote:
How can I affect the world in this incorporeal state? By possessing bodies. When someone - or better say someTHING - is dying, I can take over the control. A small part of the original inhabitant remains, and I feel merging with those pieces when using the corpses - a tiny bit of enthusiasm, inspiration, or even fear -, but I AM IN CONTROL, I am what remains.
"I can take over the control" is bad. Either "I can control them" or "I can take over the controlS"
Lots of fragments and run-ons. Too many in one chapter is bad. Use them sparingly.
"I feel merging with those pieces when using the corpses" you can't feel merging. Merging is not a feeling. Fix daat.
Again, too many repeats. Gets boring and repetitive.
quote:
The first instinct was to rise the potential of the first host as soon as possible, but that turned out old habit soon. The more corpses, the more characters I can act like, the more potential I have to win this war. Gathering my one-man army to be everyone. To be noone. Except me. Except the Void swallowing the World.
"First instinct was to rise" should be "RAISE".
"Turned out old habit soon" needs a "to be" between out and old.
"Act like" makes it sound like you are just "acting" and not even using their bodies.
Noone is two words, no one.
Overall, this paragraph is extremely hard to understand. "To be no one" is weird. And it sounds like the Oversoul doesn't want an army, which is contradictory to your 2nd sentence. Might wanna... fix.
quote:
Where are the bodies, what happens them when they're not in use? They are at the edge of time waiting for their part of the fight. Warriors at the edge of time waiting for their one battle destined for. Waiting to finish the endless cycle. They are tired of love and fear, they must fight.
You have a TON of run-on sentences. Fix pleaaase~ A few is okay, but you use them almost half the time...
Comma between time and waiting.
Aren't your bodies soulless? How do they "love" and "fear?" They're dead. Plus love seems lumped in there to make it sound more "movie-plot-ish". Tired of love?
If you have a plot set up, then this could be a really good story. Plots are what draw readers in, and if it's just a listing of events, then it's more of a harder to understand walkthrough.
Good work though. Keep it up!
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