|
araxia -> RE: Destiny's Companion Discussion (4/25/2013 23:37:53)
|
I don't know if you've noticed, but the link to discussion in your story just redirects you back to the story.
Anyways... found a few errors in your story.
quote:
All that can be certain is that he is destined for more then the village
All that we can be certain of is that he is destined for more than the village.
quote:
to avoid an opponents strength and Identify their weaknesses, when to strike, and when to be patient
to avoid an opponent's strength and identify their weaknesses, when to strike, and when to be patient
quote:
He learnt faster then most, but it was not easy work.
He learned faster than most, but it was not easy work.
quote:
The Neverglades were not without their charm, magic or wonder, but they were certainly more dangerous then the forest of Oaklore.
The Neverglades were not without their charm, magic, or wonder, but they were certainly more dangerous than the forest of Oaklore.
quote:
but they were certainly more dangerous then the forest of Oaklore. Adventure waited further from home. Luan
It's not very good transition here. Whenever you switch subjects, you have to start a new paragraph. There are a few exceptions, but the above jumps to different things far too quickly.
quote:
Luan needed a challenge, and although he was not aware of it his home on the edge of Oaklore no longer provided the challenge he needed to further hone his skills or quench his thirst for adventure
Luan needed a challenge, and although he was not aware of it, his home on the edge of Oaklore no longer provided the challenge he needed to further hone his skills, or quench his thirst for adventure
quote:
Until today he had been able to shrug those feelings off, but now the feeling was overpowering, as if a torrent of water pushed him forward.
Until today, he had been able to shrug those feelings off, abut now the feeling was overpowering, as if a torrent of water was pushing him forward.
quote:
He took his first step into the Netherglades and to his surprise felt no regret. Instead he felt free, relieved and ready for more. For the moment his thirst had been quenched.
He took his first step into the Netherglades, and to his surprise felt no regret. Instead he felt free, relieved, and ready for more. For the moment, his thirst had been quenched.
quote:
Luan was no fool, he walked cautiously an quietly, well aware that their could be hidden dangers in places unknown to him. As he walked he could see through a less densely packed line of trees that there was a path ahead and began to make his way towards it. While approaching he noticed that walking the path ahead of him was a small band of undead being directed by a necromancer.
Luan was no fool, he walked cautiously and quietly, well aware that there could be hidden dangers in places unknown to him. As he walked, he could see through a less densely packed line of trees that there was a path ahead and began to make his way towards it. While approaching, he noticed that walking the path ahead of him was a small band of undead being directed by a necromancer.
quote:
He waited till the cover was especially thick so that he would not be seen, before casting his light spell
The comma is unnecessary.
quote:
There was a quick flash of light, the necromancer was blinded and one of the four undead carrying the cage was slain.
There was a quick flash of light, the necromancer was blinded, and one of the four undead carrying the cage was slain.
quote:
The three undead were unable to manage the weight between them and the cage fell to the ground with a loud metallic clank.
There aren't really any grammatical errors here, but weren't there 6 total undead? I'm guessing you meant the three remaining undead holding the cage, so I would suggest adding that somewhere in there.
quote:
The moment Luan had been waiting for was here as one of the necromancer’s undead guards had to leave his side in order to take the place of the recently slain undead.
The moment Luan had been waiting for was here, as one of the necromancer’s undead guards had to leave his side in order to take the place of the recently slain undead.
OR
The moment Luan had been waiting for was here! One of the necromancer’s undead guards would have to leave his side in order to take the place of the recently slain undead.
quote:
As the undead bent over to lift up the cage Luan leapt into action and effortlessly dealt with the undead minion with a swift slash of his sword.
As the undead bent over to lift up the cage, Luan leapt into action and effortlessly dealt with the undead guard with a swift slash of his sword. Sorry, I just thought "guard" would describe who he was cutting better than "minion."
Your errors are mostly comma errors. Commas are really important :P An example of it would be something along the lines of, "Let's eat Grandma!" (eating your grandmother) and "Let's eat, Grandma!" (eating WITH your grandmother) Seriously, it's important.
And I'm too lazy to get the rest of the errors.
|
|
|
|
