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Azan -> RE: (DF) Bulls Eye Discussion Thread (5/2/2015 22:48:58)
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Hey there! I just finished reading all of your story! I must say I'm very impressed! I liked it very much![:)]
Some quick comments:
In Chapter 1, about the bandit boss, you say quote:
he wore an eye patch on both eyes
Then... how is he supposed to see? :P
You also say quote:
a clock that covered everything but his ,
I'm going to assume you meant a "cloak", and it seems like there's a word missing at the end of this part of sentence.
Also, if Deatharrows shot the leader right between the eyes, how come the leader is still alive to talk, even for a few seconds? This should have killed him on the spot.
In Chapter 3, when entering the "trap room", you describe it as filled with nothing, but a paragraph later, there's a dead armored man lying on the ground. I'm not sure how Deatharrows missed noticing this when he entered.
I like very much the concept of the Eye of Hatred. It's so... grim. Knowing there's actually a poor soul trapped into this thing who feeds it with her insanity and bad emotions... that's a great idea. Thumbs up!
In Chapter 4, Deatharrows seems to forget very quickly that he was stabbed in the leg with a dagger. Just ripping it out and using it to kill things, seemingly without feeling any pain at all, does seem a bit unrealistic. In Chapter 5, he also totally ignores his wound.
I have to tell you, I absolutely love Deatharrows's personality. The way he just goes into challenges, with a bit of irony and humour, and the way you say in Chapter 8 that he "slept not knowing what tomorrow would bring, and loving every minute of it"... thumbs up for the character, you did a really great job designing him.
Overall, it's a great story. I enjoyed every part of it, and I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapters!
Azan
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