One of the first war promises I made following the end of the Dragon Rose War in Dragonfable had been that I would conclude my war story in the war's respective thread here in the L&L. I have yet to do that, but I will be fulfilling my second war promise: that I would post this ridiculous story I had written during one of my scriptwriting classes at school.
Hope you guys enjoy this and don't think I'm crazy!
Discussion Thread
Note: There will be times where there are large gaps in the script. This is to due to the fact that directors expect each page of a screenplay to last only a minute. If there are large gaps in the writing, the scene I am writing is supposed to take longer than a minute.
INT. CARPENTER'S HALL - DAY
JOHN HANCOCK is speaking before the delegates of the
Continental Congress. He is a rooster. Literally.
The rest of the representatives are also various animals.
JOHN HANCOCK
Esteemed delegates of the Colonies,
it is with a heavy heart that I
must once again recall to life that
which is rejected by many among our
number. Our freedom. Our freedom
and our right to decide for
ourselves where our fate should lie
in this world. The King, the boots
to whom we have attended for a
shamefully long time, has spat on
our pleas for assistance in
Parliament. He declares us to be in
a state of rebellion for denying
the British serpent, which has
savored the fruits our labor and
thrived on the blood of every man,
woman, and child, the power to
enact laws of questionable
necessity without our opinion or
consent. I tell you, there is no
question of what should be done. We
must declare to a candid world how
the British Empire has whipped and
abandoned us like dogs; how the
British Empire denied us the rights
which should be guaranteed to all:
the right to life, liberty, and
representation. We must pledge our
blood to our Declaration of
Independence and cast off the
shackles of oppression for all
eternity. We will have liberty.
Liberty or death!
JOHN HANCOCK expects an uproar of applause.
But there is no applause.
Only silence.
There is a long pause.
A very long pause.
Finally, ABRAHAM LARK, a bird, stands up and clears his
throat.
ABRAHAM LARK
Uh, what?
JOHN HANCOCK
What do you mean, "what," Abraham
Lark?
ABRAHAM LARK
I didn't understand a single
freaking thing you just said.
JOSIAH BARKLETT, a dog, also stands. He's wiping his eyes
with a handkerchief.
JOSIAH BARKLETT
Yeah! And also, the whipping dogs
part wasn't cool!
JOSIAH BARKLETT sobs.
JOHN HANCOCK
It was just figurative language,
Josiah Barklett! I didn't mean
Britain was whipping dogs-
CHARLES CARRUFF, another dog, spits his tea everywhere.
CHARLES CHARRUFF
THEY'RE WHIPPING DOGS?
JOHN HANCOCK
What, no-!
JOSIAH BARKLETT
THEY MUST DIE. KILL 'EM ALL, KILL
'EM-
JOSIAH and CHARLES start howling and slamming on their
desks.
JOHN HANCOCK
Guys, come on, knock it off-
CATER BRAXTON, a cat, stands up.
CATER BRAXTON
I second the whipping of dogs.
The whole committee groans. JOSIAH and CHARLES explode,
speaking at the same time.
JOSIAH BARKLETT
THAT'S RACIST! YOU ARE RACIST,
CAT-ER BRAXTON! This is a freaking
set-up! I'm out-
CHARLES CHARRUFF
Suck a hairball, you milk-drinking
cat! I oughta-
There is a threateningly low but audible growl that fills
the room. The room falls silent. Everyone turns to BENJAGUAR
FRANKLIN, a jaguar.
BENJAGUAR FRANKLIN
We are not here to argue over
racism, Charles Charruff. We are
here to declare our independence.
CATER BRAXTON
How, Benjaguar Franklin, meow?
JOHN HANCOCK
Our very own Thomas Jeffersnake is
drafting a declaration as we speak.
He's right over-
JOHN HANCOCK gestures to an empty seat.
JOHN HANCOCK (CONTINUED)
Uh... Guys? Where is Jeffersnake?
Outside of the room, THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE is slithering down a
hallway.
He bursts through a door and finds GEORGE WASHINGTON
standing the way he is sometimes depicted in paintings.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
There you- ... Why are you standing
like that, dude-?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Shh.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
But I-
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Shh.
GEORGE WASHINGTON closes his eyes. He can just feel his
awesomeness.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I'm... not quite following...
GEORGE WASHINGTON
I look awesome.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
You look constipated.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
What do you want?
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
We need you back in the board room,
dude. We're making you
Commander-in-Chief!
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Commander-in-Chief?
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE nods and slithers toward the door, trying
to get GEORGE WASHINGTON to follow.
But GEORGE WASHINGTON sits down and contemplates.
GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
Commander-in-Chief... Nah, I'll
pass.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
WHAT?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yup. My military career is over.
Tried and failed.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
But this is for our country... For
your friends! We were going to make
history together!
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Already got a plan for that, pal.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
For... making history?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yup. Two words: fox pelts.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I- ... What?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
A-huh! Fox pelts! Think about it.
If I finish my fox pelt collection,
that'd make me SO much more famous
than being Commander-in-Chief!
Because then I can start my
life-long dream: fox pelts...
Everything made out of fox pelts.
Coats, bags, accessories, carpets,
furniture, curtains! All fox pelts!
I could start a business that makes
this stuff for everyone! And I
shall be known as "Father of the
Fox Pelts!"
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
... Alright, let's just go to
Independence Hall and make you
Commander-in-Chief. You're scaring
me with all this crap, dude.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Not as much as you scared me when
you ate that woman's baby.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
That was a dark time in my life...
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Either way, I'm set. Why do I need
to be Commander-in-Chief?
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Because you're our friend! Because
people look up to you! They listen
to you-!
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yeah. Because I'm awesome.
Content, GEORGE WASHINGTON returns to his posing.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Look... I didn't want to say this.
But ever since you moved to Mount
Vernon and started all that hunting
and stuff, you've become a
tremendous butt!
GEORGE WASHINGTON freezes. THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE realizes that
he went a little too far when GEORGE WASHINGTON begins to
throw his belongings into a bindle.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Then you know what? Fine! I'll just
go back to Mount Vernon and be a
tremendous butt there!
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
But I didn't mean-
GEORGE WASHINGTON
No! Clearly you don't care enough
about what your friend wants, so
why should I be here?
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE looks at GEORGE WASHINGTON super
seriously.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Dude...
GEORGE WASHINGTON gives up his facade.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
What do you want, Jeffersnake? I'm
not being a military commander
anymore. I've had enough of it. I
have a wife and kids now!
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
We're not asking you to be a
military commander. We're asking
you to get off your fat buttocks,
be a friend, and help us.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
No, you're asking me to be
something I'm not, so just stop.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE looks bashed and slithers out of the
room, defeated. GEORGE WASHINGTON gets back to making his
bindle.
GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
(To himself)
I'm not fat.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE slithers through the hallway and back to
the board room, where CATER BRAXTON and JOSIAH BARKLETT are
now fist-fighting.
JOSIAH BARKLETT
Put up your dukes!
CATER BRAXTON
You'll regret this, meow!
JOSIAH BARKLETT
Maybe, but I won't regret this!
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE sits down and sighs.
CATER BRAXTON
That smarts, meow! Reminds me of
how hard kittens try to hit my
momma before she eats 'em, meow!
JOSIAH BARKLETT
Oh, now you're gonna get it!
JOHN HANCOCK walks over to JEFFERSNAKE.
JOHN HANCOCK
Where the hell have you been? We
couldn't get on the Declaration
discussion and now Josiah and Cater
are whaling on each other!
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
He's not coming.
JOHN HANCOCK nods in understanding. To show his sympathy, he
rubs his head against JEFFERSNAKE like a chicken, then steps
onto the podium.
JOHN HANCOCK
Gentlemen?
CATER BRAXTON and JOSIAH BARKLETT do not notice. ABRAHAM
LARK is taking bets from the other delegates.
JOHN HANCOCK (CONTINUED)
Guys... You're gonna make me do
something that I'm gonna regret.
Everyone keeps fighting; JOHN HANCOCK is making no
difference. Then he cuckaws.
JOHN HANCOCK (CONTINUED)
CUCKAAAAAAAAAW!
The room shakes from how loud the noise is, and it knocks
CATER BRAXTON and JOSIAH BARKLETT onto their feet. Everyone
freezes, then BENJAGUAR FRANKLIN purrs.
BENJAGUAR FRANKLIN
About time we got down to business.
JOHN HANCOCK
Yes, yes...
While JOHN HANCOCK speaks, GEORGE WASHINGTON is beginning to
walk out of Carpenter's Hall.
JOHN HANCOCK (CONTINUED)
Gentlemen... We stand now on the
brink of war with one of the most
powerful countries on our world. We
will need supplies.
CATER BRAXTON
Meow.
JOHN HANCOCK
We will need allies.
CATER BRAXTON
Meow.
JOHN HANCOCK
We will need help- and would you
stop it?
CATER BRAXTON was about to meow again. He stops reluctantly.
CATER BRAXTON
Just warming up my voice.
Shaking his head, JOHN HANCOCK ignores him.
JOHN HANCOCK
But above all else, we need to
declare our independence and our
place as a new nation. So who will
join me?
ABARAHAM LARK
I will.
JOSIAH BARKLETT
I will!
BENJAGUAR FRANKLIN
I will.
Glancing to the seat where GEORGE WASHINGTON was supposed to
sit, THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE raises his head.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
I will.
RANDOM DELEGATE #1
I will!
RANDOM DELEGATE #2
I will!
RANDOM DELEGATE #3
I will!
CATER BRAXTON
... Meow.
EXT. CARPENTER'S HALL - NIGHT
GEORGE WASHINGTON closes the door behind him and starts to
walk away from the hall. He walks over to a horse, SALLY
FOALFAX.
SALLY FOALFAX
George Washington!
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Evening, Sally Foalfax.
SALLY FOALFAX
Say, why do you have that bindle?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
It's nothing. Let's just go.
SALLY FOALFAX
Are we finally running away
together?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Uh... In a little bit, babe. We're
just going home.
GEORGE WASHINGTON climbs onto SALLY FOALFAX.
SALLY FOALFAX
Haha, okay, George. I love you.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(Awkwardly)
Yyyyeeeeaahhhhh... Aaand... I...
appreciate our friendship...
SALLY FOALFAX
Haha, I love you too, George!
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(To himself)
Jesus.
Just as GEORGE WASHINGTON is about to ride away, UNASSUMING
ANIMAL #1, a monkey, and UNASSUMING ANIMAL #2, a
hippopotamus, knock him off SALLY FOALFAX, who is panicking.
GEORGE WASHINGTON hits his head on the ground after falling
off the horse and is knocked unconscious.
SALLY FOALFAX
George? What's going on?
UNASSUMING ANIMAL #1 offers SALLY FOALFAX an apple.
SALLY FOALFAX (CONTINUED)
What are you-? Oooh, delicious!
While SALLY FOALFAX is distracted, UNASSUMING ANIMAL #2
stuffs GEORGE WASHINGTON into a burlap sack with its snout.
He struggles to pick him up.
UNASSUMING ANIMAL #2
Geez, this guy is fat. Gimme a
hand, will ya?
INT. MYSTERIOUS PLACE - NIGHT
GEORGE WASHINGTON is tied up in a chair. A fancy chair.
He jolts awake.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Huh? Where am I? Who's doing this?
There is a flopping sound. Something is flopping toward
GEORGE WASHINGTON, and that something is GENERAL CORNWALRUS.
GEORGE WASHINGTON scowls.
GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
Cornwalrus... I thought you retired
from active duty after you and
General William Cowe sat on that
new recruit and suffocated him!
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
No, I am very much here, George
Washington... You are a fool for
accepting the role of
Commander-in-Chief. We are going to
put down this rebellion, and when
we do, we're going to make sure it
never happens again.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Why you- Wait... I'm not
Commander-in-Chief.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
What?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yeah, whoever it was that told you
was wrong. I'm not
Commander-in-Chief. Didn't want it.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Oh.
There is an awkward pause.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS realizes that kidnapping GEORGE
WASHINGTON had been a complete waste of time.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS (CONTINUED)
Well... You made a very smart
decision, then! Because we're gonna
beat the Colonies so bad that its
babies are gonna feel it for the
next century!
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Alright.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
And your friends will hang for
their crimes!
GEORGE WASHINGTON
We had a falling out, so... Don't
really care.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Oh. You don't have any friends
then? That's problematic.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
What? No! I've got plenty of
friends!
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Really?
GENERAL CORNWALRUS holds a quill and parchment in his
flippers.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS (CONTINUED)
Do go on.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Uh... Sally Foalfax?
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Nope, dead. Fed her a poisoned
apple.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(Forced)
Oh no! That is terrible news.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Yes, yes. Any others?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Martha.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Isn't that... your wife?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yyyyep.
GEORGE WASHINGTON is sweating profusely.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Well, I'm sure you'll think of
someone eventual- you don't look
too good.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Uh...
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
... Oookay... Tell you what. I'll
let you go and pretend that this
never happened. Then you can go
back to your revolutionary friends
and get back on track. Kind of
embarrassing right now.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
No! I don't need them! I'm not
going back there! They think I'm a
butthole!
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
Well... Maybe you should think
about that. Either way, out you go.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
What?
UNASSUMING ANIMAL #1 hits GEORGE WASHINGTON in the head with
a brick, knocking him out again.
EXT. AMERICAN WILDERNESS - DAY
GEORGE WASHINGTON comes to. He slowly props himself up on
one arm and realizes that he is in a tent and wearing a
different shirt.
Crawling out of it, GEORGE WASHINGTON sees THOMAS
JEFFERSNAKE and JAMES MADISNAKE tending to a fire, blowing
air at it with their tails and slowly shoving other logs of
wood toward it with their heads.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE notices that GEORGE WASHINGTON is awake.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Hey, look who's finally up! Good
morning.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Did you change my shirt?
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Yeah. You sweat through the other
one pretty bad.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(Changing the subject)
Where the hell are we, anyway?
JAMES MADISNAKE
We're following the Potomac, taking
you home.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
You'd do that for me?
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
It's the least we can do, really.
You were right; we were asking you
to be something you just aren't.
That isn't fair. We just want the
best for you, y'know?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Oh... Well, thanks. But I don't
need any help. I can handle myself.
JAMES MADISNAKE
Doesn't matter if you need it or
not, which you probably do. We just
feel like helping.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
I don't need help.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
Sure you do, fatty.
GEORGE WASHINGTON opens his mouth to retaliate, but decides
against it and gives up.
JAMES MADISNAKE
Good.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Well, if I'm gonna be called
"fatty," I may as well act like
one. Where's breakfast?
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
What?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Breakfast. Food.
THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE
... Oh. Food. Well, we hadn't
really thought about that since we
can just hunt.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Oh that's just great. Thanks a lot
for saving me, you guys! Now I'll
survive a little bit longer before
I roll over and starve to death!
JAMES MADISNAKE
Relax, relax. We brought a rifle.
JAMES MADISNAKE nods at a rifle lying within the tent.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
... How did you guys plan on using
that without hands?
JAMES MADISNAKE and THOMAS JEFFERSNAKE share a glance before
shrugging.
GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONTINUED)
Wow. Great.
GEORGE WASHINGTON takes the rifle and marches off into the
woods.
CUT TO: EXT. LEXINGTON - DAY
GENERAL CORNWALRUS is on a hill overlooking the city. He
turns to THOMAS GAJOEY, a kangaroo, who is standing in front
of various animals in the "redcoat" attire, the REDCOATS.
GENERAL CORNWALRUS
General Gajoey, you know your
orders.
THOMAS GAJOEY nods and gestures for his soldiers to form
their ranks and begin to march on Lexington.
CUT TO: EXT. AMERICAN WILDERNESS - DAY
GEORGE WASHINGTON is walking slowly through the woods.
He notices a red fox.
He eyes his target and winces as it bounds deeper into the
woods.
GEORGE WASHINGTON stalks the fox, taking care not to make
too much noise.
CUT TO: EXT. LEXINGTON - DAY
Animals throughout LEXINGTON begin to notice the British
animals marching toward the city.
SAMULE ADAMS, a mule, and JOHN HANCOCK notice this.
SAMULE ADAMS
Minutemen! Make your country proud!
The younger and more able animals, the MINUTEMEN, nod and
rush into their houses.
When they return, they are wearing dark blue coats and
holding rifles. JOHN HANCOCK sighs.
JOHN HANCOCK
So it begins.
