Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm

Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (Full Version)

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Faerdin -> Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (8/6/2013 0:38:02)
I noticed that Quests are a common sight in AdventureQuest fanfiction, but not as much in DragonFable fanfiction. I don't have much to read so far, but since Quests are a lot faster to write than normal stories, I can do this every so often without overexerting myself. I hope you guys enjoy! :) Discussion Thread Table of Contents [HWSB] = He Who Stands Between Crossover (Now Non-Canonical) [RW] = Robin Williams Tribute Saga I. The Alduweenie (Comedic) II. Panda-Monium (Comedic) III. Tale of the Nightingale (Seriocomic) IV. Preparing for the Worst (Seriocomic) [HWSB] V. Dragonkin (Seriocomic) VI. The Toll Troll (Comedic) VII. Invader Zhoom (Comedic) VIII. Bear-Fisted Politics (Comedic) IX. Desolation (Seriocomic) [HWSB] X. He Who Stands Between (Seriocomic) [HWSB] XI. Gorillaphant Grood (Comedic) XII. The Darkened Shore (Dramatic) [HWSB] XIII. The Pots Thicken (Seriocomic) [HWSB] XIV. Oh, the Twitter (Comedic) XV. A Vigil Unending (Seriocomic) [HWSB] XVI. Chocolate with Guts (Comedic) XVII. Ain't Never (Comedic) [RW] XVIII. Wandering Out (Comedic) [RW]

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (8/6/2013 0:38:13)
The Alduweenie Location: ? Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: It's time to save the Elemental Plane of Bacon! Objective completed: With Alduweenie safe, there is only one unanswered question: How did that guy get a Dragon Amulet? Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (11) ManaHunter (6) Manahuntress (5) Enslaved Drake (1) The Last DragonLord - Boss NPCs Alduweenie Anonymous Quest-Giver The Last DragonLord Ohbadiing Rewards ? Dialogue Anonymous Quest-Giver: While you had been frozen, the Elemental Plane of Bacon grew immensely in power. Anonymous Quest-Giver: Since its Elemental Orb had not been shattered, it had not been affected the way other Elemental Planes had. <Character>: And let's face it. Everybody loves bacon. Anonymous Quest-Giver: ... Right. Naturally, this meant no threat to Lore. The Elemental Plane of Bacon is an alien realm with no ties to Lore. But The Rose is misguided. Anonymous Quest-Giver: They believed that the Elemental Plane of Bacon needed to take a hit for the balance as a whole. Anonymous Quest-Giver: They could not find and shatter the Bacon Orb, so they chose a more... grisly alternative. Anonymous Quest-Giver: You injured Skweel not very long before you had been frozen. Anonymous Quest-Giver: The Rose had taken advantage of that and slew Skweel while he laid in his healing coma. <Character>: They slew an Elemental Great Dragon? Anonymous Quest-Giver: Not without help, of course. The Rose sees a great deal of that nowadays. <Character>: ... <Character>: I guess this is where I come in. Anonymous Quest-Giver: You bet. The Rose is attempting to locate and capture Skweel's only descendant. Anonymous Quest-Giver: For the love of bacon, you have to intervene and recapture Skweel's son! Quest! <Character>: Aha! There you are! And... who are you? The Last DragonLord: I am DragonLord! With the heart and soul of the dragon! The Last DragonLord: Beware my mighty Bu'um! <Character>: I... what? Alduweenie: He's been spewing nonsense about being the Last DragonLord for about an hour now. Alduweenie: DragonLords don't have voice powers, do they? <Character>: No? The Last DragonLord: I shall prove you wrong, false DragonLord! Alduweenie: Took you long enough to find me, hero. <Character>: So you are Skweel's son. Alduweenie: Yes... Alduweenie. Eater of the world with brown wings unfurled! Alduweenie: Behold my terrible form and despair! <Character>: ... You look like a sausage. A delicious sausage. Alduweenie: Shut up. The Last DragonLord: Yes, enough talk! Let us call our trusty steeds into battle! The Last DragonLord: Witness my Bu'um, Call Dragon! Your Dragon Amulet starts to glow The Last DragonLord: OH... BADIING! <Character>: ... The Last DragonLord: COME... OVER HERE! Alduweenie: ... The Last DragonLord: LIKE... RIGHT NOW! Ohbadiing: For the Avatars, stop with that freaking Bu'um thing! Ohbadiing: There's nothing special about shouting three words in Draconic. Ohbadiing: You're screaming for no reason. The Last DragonLord: But Zadd said it was cool! Ohbadiing: You idiot! You just gave his name away! The Last DragonLord: OH! I mean Z! Z said it was cool! <Character>: You know, you're not much of a smooth talker. <Character>: Most people with voice powers are. The Last DragonLord: Silence! Call thy dragon, deceiver! <Character>: ... Oookay. Come on, <Dragon Name>! Summon Dragon! Fight The Last DragonLord The Last DragonLord: That's it... I didn't want to do this. The Last DragonLord: But you've left me with no other choice. The Last DragonLord: TOTES... KILL YAH! <Dragon Name>: ... Was that supposed to do something? <Dragon Name>: Because that's just embarrassing. Ohbadiing: Sigh The Last DragonLord: TOTES... KILL YAH! <Character>: Talk about an Unrelenting Farce. By the way, you're not the last DragonLord. <Character>: I'm one, and there's an entire order of them in the sky. The Last DragonLord: Seriously? Oh man... The Last DragonLord: That explains why you have a dragon. The Last DragonLord: Not gonna lie, I didn't expect you to actually have a steed. <Character>: So you've just been challenging random people to dragon fights? Ohbadiing: It worked until you came along... The Last DragonLord: Enough! Thou shalt perish either way! The Last DragonLord threateningly starts to advance on the Hero, who is in a battle stance. The Last DragonLord fails to notice a wooden cart directly in his path and walks into it. He steps on the cart, flips it over himself and crumples as he is caught beneath it. He is now unconscious. Everyone: ... <Dragon Name>: Did... Did he just-? <Character>: Yep. Ohbadiing: ... I'm sorry. Alduweenie: Someone please get me out of here! <Character>: Alright, alright. Sheesh. Dragons were a lot more thankful five years ago. Alduweenie: Well you didn't know a dragon that could summon fiery hotdogs from the sky. Alduweenie: You wanna test me? Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (8/6/2013 3:35:57)
Panda-Monium Location: ? Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: Free the village of Pandumos that settled the island of Sho'Nuff! Objective completed: The balance of trade is restored and Sour-Fang is re-cleaved of his duties! Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (6) ManaHunter (3) Manahuntress (6) Shackled Pandumo (1) Sour-Fang - Boss NPCs Anonymous Quest-Giver Chief Shahmwao Gho Pandumo Villager Rose Captain Sour-Fang Rewards ? Dialogue Anonymous Quest-Giver: You are already well-acquainted with how poorly such races as the Clawkin have been treated under Jaania's regime. Anonymous Quest-Giver: But they are not alone. <Character>: Isn't that why so many people have been traveling to Falconreach? Anonymous Quest-Giver: Yes. Our friend Ash Dragonblade did a wonderful job of defending the city. Anonymous Quest-Giver: He has the support of Mayor Landis and many warriors of different races who fled there. Anonymous Quest-Giver: They hold the perimeter of Falconreach. Anonymous Quest-Giver: Mayor Landis hired the pirates of Osprey Cove to form a barricade and protect the bay from naval attack. Anonymous Quest-Giver: This is where you come in. Quest! <Character>: I need to help the pirates? Awesome! Anonymous Quest-Giver: No no, you need to ensure The Rose does not cut off their resources. <Character>: ... <Character>: That doesn't sound exciting at all. But I'll bite. Anonymous Quest-Giver: Good, hero. There is a group of Ursice Savages that split from the original tribe long, long ago. Anonymous Quest-Giver: They apparently disagreed about... pic-a-nic baskets. Anonymous Quest-Giver: These Ursice Savages- the Pandumos- wanted more in life and sailed away to the island of Sho'Nuff. They have become a vital part of its economy ever since. Anonymous Quest-Giver: In time, they had learned to produce silk and gunpowder- important commodities for both Shadow of the Wind Village and, if you haven't noticed, Osprey Cove. Anonymous Quest-Giver: The Rose enslaved the Pandumos, and the pirates are running low on gunpowder, and- <Character>: Zzzz... Anonymous Quest-Giver: HERO. <Character>: Huhwhat? Sorry, you lost me at "economy." Anonymous Quest-Giver: How do you ever make gold? <Character>: I beat things up, they give me money. <Character>: Isn't that what pirates and ninjas do all the time? They should be swimming in gold- Anonymous Quest-Giver: JUST GO SAVE THE FREAKING BEARS. Pandumos appear to be Ursice Savages with black and white fur. Gho and Chief Shahmwao are Pandumos. Gho: You... You are not like them. Gho: Why have you come here? <Character>: I'm here to free you guys. Chief Shahmwao: Thank the Serpent of the Four Winds! Chief Shahmwao: I am Shahmwao, chief of our tribe. <Character>: I know. I can read your dialogue bubble. <Character>: Just a quick question, there. Where did you guys come from? <Character>: I mean, I've never heard of you guys until today. Chief Shahmwao: Our land was shrouded in mists. <Character>: But why would I have no idea who you were or where you came from? Gho: What is a "dialogue bubble," Mr. Know-It-All? Chief Shahmwao: Uh... We can ask questions later. Hero, lead the way! Continue Add Gho Add Shahmwao Gho: You people simply never learn. Pandumo Villager: You cannot take what is not yours to have! Rose Captain: It's no use! We're being overrun! Rose Captain: Release... IT! The Rose forces release a terrifying green dragon, Sour-Fang, that was being held by chains until it threw away its captors. Sour-Fang: THAT IMPLY SOUR-FANG BE CONTAINED. ME CLEAVE! <Character>: ... Oh boy. Chief Shahmwao: Do not doubt, child. Chief Shahmwao: Doubt is the splinter in the mighty tiger's paw. <Character>: That... That was beautiful. Yes, we can do it! Sour-Fang: DOING IMPLY SOUR-FANG CAN BE DONE. Sour-Fang: CLEVER. BUT I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S CLEAVER-ER! Gho: In the way of our honored ancestors... Gho: SKADOOSH! Fight Sour-Fang <Character>: The Rose... They're retreating! Chief Shahmwao: We owe our livelihood to you, hero. Chief Shahmwao: You have our utmost gratitude. <Character>: Does this mean you'll resume trade? Gho: Of course! I actually have several barrels of gunpowder I need to get rid of. Gho: But... The Rose destroyed our merchant vessels. <Character>: ... I have an idea. All of the barrels are strapped to the Hero's dragon while they fly through the air. <Dragon Name>: AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! <Character>: Relax, <Dragon Name>! We'll only explode if we hit something. <Dragon Name>: WHY, AVATARS, WHY? Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (8/9/2013 21:26:51)
Tale of the Nightingale Location: Falconreach Inn (Book 1) -> Gelevren the Nightingale Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: Listen to the tale of the Nightingale. Objective completed: What lies in wait at Sunbreeze Grove? Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (6) Darkness Elemental (6) Fire Elemental (6) Ice Elemental (1) Great Darkness - Boss NPCs Aurauris Freague Gelevren the Nightingale San Robin Serenity Spit Rewards ? Dialogue Gelevren the Nightingale: Now now, traveler, you look tense! Gelevren the Nightingale: Stay a while and hear a story or two, eh? Quest! Aurauris: Woo, story time! Gelevren the Nightingale: Children of the day, children of the night... Gelevren the Nightingale: Would you hear the tale of a daft old loon? Gelevren the Nightingale: For you I shall sing of that silver light: nurturing sight of our guardian moon- Freague: BOO! WE WANT EXPLOSIONS! San Robin: This is cheesy. And I know cheesy! Spit: Meh. Serenity: Sorry, Gel. You caught my customers at their rowdiest. Gelevren the Nightingale: Nay, it is I who should apologize. Gelevren the Nightingale: I should have anticipated a more... capricious crowd. Spit: ... Meh. Freague: What? Sorry, I was thinkin' about cake. Gelevren the Nightingale: ... Aurauris: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's calm down now. Aurauris: Don't you want a story? Gelevren inspects the Hero more closely. His eyes- one blue, one gold- flash while he grins. Gelevren the Nightingale: You there! You aren't from around here, are you? <Character>: Well... No. I only just got here from Oaklore Keep. Gelevren the Nightingale: Good! Because I have a story that may just knock the socks off these guys. Gelevren the Nightingale: But I will need your help in the telling. <Character>: Alright. I don't really have anywhere else to be. Well, except- Gelevren the Nightingale: Good, good! Just stand there for a moment. Gelevren the Nightingale: Now... Now we have a story. Gelevren the Nightingale: A fable for the ages. Gelevren the Nightingale: The story... of the Prophecy! <Character>: Prophecy? Gelevren bends the light around the Hero. The scene plays out in the way Gelevren describes. Gelevren the Nightingale: Long ago, in an age long since forgotten... Gelevren the Nightingale: There was darkness. Gelevren the Nightingale: It threatened to shroud Lore in its shadow and return it to the void whence it came. Gelevren the Nightingale: It sought to devour all that we knew... And in its advance, the elements were thrown into chaos. The DragonFable Hero is thrust into the middle of a wasteland decimated by the power of the elements. Fight Great Darkness (You are not supposed to win this fight) <Character>: The... the power... I... Gelevren the Nightingale: All seemed lost... But then appeared the Elemental Avatars. Gelevren the Nightingale: Vessels of the Elemental Lords, who rule over the Elemental Planes. Gelevren the Nightingale: The dimensions of power to which all of Lore's elements are bound! Gelevren the Nightingale: Before the humans and dragons of Lore, they appeared and... Gelevren the Nightingale: They forged conduits of the Elemental Planes- pure elemental power coalesced into a tangible form to produce the most magically powerful artifacts ever borne. Gelevren the Nightingale: The Elemental Orbs. Gelevren the Nightingale: With them, the Great Darkness was cast back and balance was restored! Gelevren the Nightingale: ... But it would return. Gelevren the Nightingale: Everyone knew it would. For then the stars themselves aligned, and born on that night were two dragons- one destined to save a world, and another destined to destroy-! <Character>: Wait, wait, wait! The illusion clears. The Hero is back in the inn. <Character>: Does this have anything to do with the Dragon Boxes? Gelevren the Nightingale: Yes. Yes, it does. <Character>: And do you know the Priestess? Freague: Lady Celestia? We all know 'er. Lovely gal. Serenity: Were you looking for her? <Character>: Yes! If anyone could...? Gelevren the Nightingale: Sunbreeze Grove. To the far west. Gelevren the Nightingale: The town gryphon can lead you there, no problem. Serenity: Just go past the Guardian Tower, show it where you want to go on the map. <Character>: Thanks! Gelevren the Nightingale: But if I may interject... If it is the Prophecy you are interested in, you may want to visit the Temple of the Four Winds first. Gelevren the Nightingale: The priests up there know a great deal on the subject. <Character>: Can the gryphon take me there? Freague: Nah. Our gryphon ain't the smartest around. Freague: Ash's been ramblin' about that place a whole lot recently, though, so he might know somethin'. The Hero leaves. Gelevren is smiling, watching the Hero leave. Gelevren the Nightingale: So. That have enough explosions for you? Spit: ... Meh. Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (8/14/2013 0:53:55)
Preparing for the Worst Location: Falconreach Inn (Book 2) -> Gelevren the Nightingale Level/Quest/Items required: Gelevren's Letter Objective: What power lies beneath this dilapidated castle? Objective completed: When Noxus knows something you don't, you're gonna have a bad time! Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (9) Darkness Elemental (3) Deadwood Destroyer (6) Deadwood (9) Skeleton (6) Skeleton Guardian (11) Slime (1) Corrupted Conduit - Boss (1) Noxus - Boss NPCs Aurauris Gelevren the Nightingale Noxus Serenity Rewards ? Dialogue Gelevren the Nightingale: <Character>... You have come. Gelevren the Nightingale: There is much we need to discuss. Now. Quest! <Character>: Gelevren... Are you alright? Gelevren the Nightingale: Never you mind, hero. Gelevren the Nightingale: Suffice it to say that the Great Darkness enacted a heavy toll upon me. <Character>: I'm sorry... Gelevren the Nightingale: There was nothing you or anyone could have done. Gelevren the Nightingale: This is my burden to bear... and now yours. <Character>: What burden? Gelevren the Nightingale: Something is coming. Something... Urgh... Gelevren shudders and clutches at his head. Aurauris: Sit down, love. Serenity, can you get us a glass of water? Serenity: Sure thing! The DragonFable Hero leans in closer to listen. <Character>: What is it? Gelevren the Nightingale: I do not know... But I know how you can prepare yourself. Gelevren the Nightingale: There... there is a ruined castle west of Swordhaven. Gelevren the Nightingale: Underneath those ruins remains a conduit... Gelevren the Nightingale: A... conduit used by a group of warriors to summon the Elemental Avatars. Gelevren the Nightingale: Your dragon is powerful, but I sense its abilities are incomplete. <Character>: Wait wait, slow down. <Character>: How do you know that? People summoned the Elemental Avatars? What castle-? Gelevren the Nightingale: There is no time, <Character>! Just listen to me! Gelevren the Nightingale: ... Sorry, hero, I just... Gelevren the Nightingale: Please, just do this for me. We need you to be prepared. <Character>: YOU! Noxus: Me... The DragonFable Hero is blasted by a tendril of darkness and held in place. Noxus: Thank you for clearing the way for me. Noxus: That last encounter of ours left me quite... weak. Noxus: Not nearly strong enough to bend the minds of these pests. But not for long. <Character>: You mean those weren't your undead constructs I was fighting through? Noxus: No. They are relics of the past. Noxus: Relics of Gelevren's sad, sad little past... Noxus: How little has that fool told you? <Character>: Enough to know you're up to no good. Noxus: Is that so? [Dragon Amulet] [There is a flash of red from the Hero's Dragon Amulet. The Hero's dragon lands behind Noxus and growls.] [No Dragon Amulet] [The Hero's dragon lands behind Noxus as a baby and tries to growl.] Noxus: Ah... The little hero's dragon has come to play. Noxus: Need to come to his/her rescue? <Dragon Name>: Nah. I just thought it'd be fun to pick Noxus bones out of my teeth for the next three weeks. Noxus: Cute... Well, pick this! Noxus uses Mystify on the Hero's dragon and blinds them while he runs over to the conduit, which is a giant block of ice in the center of the chamber. There are traces of every element throughout the room, and they all seem to connect to the central pillar of ice. <Character>: What are you doing? Get him! <Dragon Name>: You try tackling a tiny meat-sack with -50 Bonus! Noxus blasts the conduit with a tendril of darkness and begins siphoning its power through that tendril. Noxus: He was right... Sepulchure was right! The power of the Avatars still lies here! Noxus: That imbecile left this well of magical energy here for anyone to take! <Character>: What is going on?! Noxus: HAHAHAHAHA! You will not live to know! Summon Dragon (DragonLords Only) Confront on Foot (Free Players) Fight Noxus and the Corrupted Conduit Noxus is fading. Noxus: You will regret this dearly, hero... Noxus: The power is still mine! The power is still mine! Noxus disappears. <Dragon Name>: <Character>, look! The ice... It's melting. <Character>: Looks like we hit it a bit too hard. [Dragon Amulet] [<Dragon Name>: Do you think we can still use it? <Character>: May as well give it a shot. The Hero's dragon steps into the middle of the melted ice. Magic happens and then BOOM! Primal Water. <Character>: So? Did it work? <Dragon Name>: Not sure if it did everything Gel said it would, but... I feel stronger. <Character>: Well, we did what we needed to.] <Character>: Let's gather up the ice shards. Gelevren has some 'splaining to do. Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (8/16/2013 3:12:12)
Dragonkin Location: ? Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: Dragesvard is under siege! Objective completed: What is going on? Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (1) General Sarthallis - Boss NPCs Anonymous Quest-Giver Coldclaw G'joob Galanoth General Sarthallis Grrol King Linus Magus Hansa Rewards ? Dialogue Anonymous Quest-Giver: This letter just came for you. It's from Galanoth. Anonymous Quest-Giver: Seems word of your return has carried quickly. Dear <Character>, It is good to hear that you are well. The greatest thing has happened since you left; The Rose has been supplying the Order of Dragonslayers in the Frozen North and our combined victories over the remnants of Aisha's armies have caused them to splinter and strain themselves. They are currently attempting a desperate siege on Dragesvard and have struggled to attain a foothold. If all goes as planned, we can ensure the safety of Dragesvard and its neighboring tribes for centuries to come. We are still awaiting reinforcements from The Rose, so must have you here for the final push. We have already liberated the Polar Dravir of the region and they were a blessing on the battlefield. But we need all of the help we can get. Sincerely, Galanoth <Character>: Dragesvard is under siege? Anonymous Quest-Giver: Yes. And it appears The Rose and the Dragonslayers are working together. Anonymous Quest-Giver: I do not know what you want to do. Anonymous Quest-Giver: But at the very least, you should help your friend Galanoth. Quest! Galanoth: <Character>! Thank goodness you are here. Grrol: I am relieved my visions were correct. Coldclaw: Who is this? King Linus: He/She put the squeeze on Aisha about five years back. Galanoth: This is Coldclaw. He lead the Dravir revolution against the Ice Dragons. <Character>: You're working with a dragon? Galanoth: It has... not been easy. Coldclaw: Indeed... King Linus: Oh, let's just stop blabbering and finish this! King Linus: My Killguins are getting awfully feisty. G'joob: Patience, my flipper-flapping friend. G'joob: The dragons fight desperately. G'joob: If we do the same, we will waste our advantage. Coldclaw: Yes... I know my brethren well. Coldclaw: We need only weather the blizzard raging beyond these walls. Coldclaw: They will exhaust themselves, and then we can tear open their throats. <Character>: ... <Character>: You seem awfully tense. Have a Sneakers. They give +300 Dodge. Coldclaw: Do you think this is funny, hero? <Character>: No. I'm just thinking about the underage dragons in the room before I dig into the throat-tearing parts. <Dragon_Name>: Hey! Coldclaw: Keep your condescending candies to yourself. Galanoth: Enough. Let's just get this over- There is a distant roar. Everyone looks up. Past Dragesvard, a staggering amount of Ice Dragons are taking flight and heading directly for Dragesvard. Galanoth: ... <Character>, follow me. You and <Dragon_Name> have work to do. <Character>: Whew. Dodged a bullet there. King Linus: Must be the Sneakers. Can I have one? Galanoth: Go and confront those dragons, <Character>. <Character>: We can't handle that many at once, Galanoth. Galanoth: I know... That's why we'll cover you from the rear. Dragonslayers prepare ballistae arranged around the edges of Dragesvard. Galanoth: All you need to do is help us knock them out of the sky. Galanoth: The Order and our allies will handle them from there. Galanoth: We can handle them on the ground, but when they're flying, they're untouchable. <Dragon_Name>: We appreciate your trust in our abilities, Galanoth. <Character>: Hey. You've never appreciated anything! <Dragon_Name>: You learn a lot about humility after begging bread scraps from Serenity for five years. <Character>: ... Ouch. Summon Dragon! <Character>: Alright, <Dragon_Name>. Let's do this! Fight the Dragons! Dragon-Slaying Mini-Game General Sarthallis: HERO... WE MEET AGAIN. <Character>: Hey there! General Sarthallis: SILENCE, HUMAN WHELP. General Sarthallis: YOU FOUND FORTUNE LAST TIME... BUT NEVER AGAIN. General Sarthallis: WE SHALL NOT REST UNTIL WE SEE THE HUMANS' CHAMPION WITH A TORN THROAT! <Character>: You guys are awfully obsessed with throat-tearing. <Character>: That's getting you guys into a lot of trouble, you know. General Sarthallis: TROUBLE... BAH! General Sarthallis: WE TAKE FROM THOSE WHO TAKE FROM US AND FREEZE OVER THEIR HOMES. General Sarthallis: YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT. <Character>: What? <Dragon_Name>: That's enough, Sarthallis! We're ending this now! General Sarthallis: COME, BETRAYER. DIE FOR YOUR FOOLISH MASTERS! Fight General Sarthallis General Sarthallis: ENOUGH... YOU HAVE... WON... General Sarthallis: I SUBMIT... Your Dragon Amulet starts to glow General Sarthallis: Our race... is doomed to death... <Dragon_Name>: What? General Sarthallis: Those humans... They do not see us as anything... General Sarthallis: Anything but beasts... <Character>: Well, you haven't been giving the best impression. General Sarthallis: Aisha... She made us attack Dragesvard... General Sarthallis: Since we lost her... haven't seen any peace... General Sarthallis: Only blood... Only death... General Sarthallis: There is... nothing more... for us... General Sarthallis: You have betrayed our race. Magus Hansa: Hero... Well done. A small scouting party of The Rose has arrived on the battlefield with Magus Hansa. Galanoth accompanies her. Magus Hansa: I was skeptical after your incident in the Sandsea, but my, have you grown to see our message. <Character>: I am nothing like you. Magus Hansa: Very well. Either way, the beast is yours to slay. Magus Hansa: End him. Save the people of Dragesvard before they suffer more. The DragonFable Hero's dragon growls. General Sarthallis is rising while the others refuse to notice. Galanoth: Come on, <Character>. Finish him off! Galanoth: We can end this right here, right now! <Character>: I... I don't- Galanoth: Kill him! Magus Hansa: Go on, hero. <Character>: I can't! We can't kill him! Galanoth: We don't have time for this! Do it now! Magus Hansa: HERO-! General Sarthallis: YOU WILL ALL SUFFER! General Sarthallis roars and breathes a massive, dense wave of icy wind. The screen goes black. Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (8/20/2013 17:27:10)
The Toll Troll Location: ? Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: Whachoo say? Toll Troll? Objective completed: Hey, hey, hey! Toll Troll! Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (3) ManaHunter (12) Galeocerda (9) Draydenfish Zombie (1) Mountain Troll (1) The Toll Troll - Boss NPCs Anonymous Quest-Giver Chainsword Chisagen Dornalca Mountain Troll Prius Rewards ? Dialogue <Character>: What's next? Anonymous Quest-Giver: Get that confounded troll out of Falconreach. <Character>: I... what? Anonymous Quest-Giver: A troll has moved in under that bridge over in Falcon's Nest. Anonymous Quest-Giver: It's been taxing people going over the bridge. Anonymous Quest-Giver: When they don't have the money- and these are refugees, mind- it sends them away. <Character>: In the troll's defense, that sounds exactly like what a troll would do. Anonymous Quest-Giver: Just get it out of here! Quest! <Character>: Dornalca? Chainsword? What are you guys doing out here? Prius: Isn't it obvious? Keeping me as their pet. Dornalca: Oh hush, Prius. We like you better as a cuddly little kitty. Prius: I don't! Chainsword: I don't really care. People aren't laughing at me anymore. Prius: Oh, we used to laugh at you, He-Who-Sleeps-A-Lot? Chainsword: One more word and you'll earn yourself a catnap. A very, VERY long catnap! Prius: Bring it, ChainSnored! Dornalca: Guys, just stop it! We'll never find Chisagen like this. <Character>: Lost him, eh? <Character>: Awfully slippery for a guy who loves fish. Dornalca: Ha. I see what you did there. Dornalca: But how about you help us find Chis, and we'll help you with this troll problem? <Character>: How did you know there was a troll problem? Chainsword: There's always a troll problem. Chainsword breaks the fourth wall and looks directly at the player. <Character>: ... Sounds good to me. Let's go! First Clue <Character>: Yep, Chisagen's definitely been through here. <Character>: This is his fish. Chainsword: It still smells of his fishy mischievousness! Dornalca: Let's keep looking. Second Clue <Character>: It's a bag of Dragon Coins! And... another pile of fish. Chainsword: Uh... Let me just take this. Chainsword: Y'know. As evidence. Prius: If only I didn't have these freaking paws. I'd be swimming in "evidence." Dornalca: But why would Chisagen have Dragon Coins on him? They're so rare. <Character>: I dunno. Let's keep looking. Third Clue <Character>: AGH! The troll! Prius: KILL IT WITH FIRE! Fight Mountain Troll Mountain Troll: Ugh... WHY YOU HIT GRUNK? GRUNK TIED UP. Chainsword: ... That explains why he wasn't hitting back so much. Chainsword: Then again... It's still a troll. <Character>: Who tied you up like this? Mountain Troll: He do it. He come in with fish- WHAP WHAP WHAP! Mountain Troll: Me smell fish five-ever. <Character>: So you haven't been the one stealing gold from people? Mountain Troll: No! Dornalca: Wait... <Character>, let's go to the bridge. Dornalca: I think I know who's behind all of this. Chisagen: HEHEHEHEHEHE... <Character>: Who's there? Chisagen: TROLOLOLOLOL! Chainsword: I KNEW IT! I knew he was behind this! Chainsword: FEAR THE CHAINSWORD, FISHYGEN! Chainsword throws his sword at Chisagen. Chisagen dodges. Chisagen: Dodge ~L~O~L~! Chainsword: Dear Lords! Only a troll could have that much Melee Defense! Dornalca: Smooth. Chisagen: U gotta pay teh trull toll... Chisagen: Pay teh toll or u get fish-whapped! Prius: CONFOUND YOUR LOUSY TOLL, TROLL! HISS! Fight The Toll Troll <Character>: Well, it's over. <Character>: Chis is conked out and the troll is tied up, so everyone coming to Falconreach should be safe now. <Character>: But I can't help wondering... What made such a nice Fishmonger go so wrong? Prius: ... Dornalca: ... Chainsword: ... <Character>: ... Nevermind. Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (9/28/2013 15:58:11)
Invader Zhoom Location: ? Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: Help Zhoom infiltrate The Rose! But... how? Objective completed: Doom. Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (5) Darkness Elemental (6) Essence of Doom (1) Dibbeon - Boss NPCs Anonymous Quest-Giver Dibbeon D.I.R. Rose Guard(s) Zhoom Rewards ? Dialogue Anonymous Quest-Giver: Zhoom has requested your assistance. Anonymous Quest-Giver: You should pay him a visit. Quest! Zhoom: Good. You're here. <Character>: Is something wrong? Zhoom: It's those Rose recruits. <Character>: Figures. <Character>: I can't take five steps without hearing about something awful they've done. Zhoom: There's something awfully wrong with them... But I can't put my finger on it. Zhoom: It's weird... They helped end Sek-Duat and have been so generous to the people of the Sandsea, but... Zhoom: Sigh I need you to help me dig around for some clues. Zhoom: They've made Sek-Duat's old palace their headquarters. We'll sneak in there. <Character>: ... Zhoom, I'm sorry, but that's a TERRIBLE plan. <Character>: The Rose has tons of support and they already know what we look like. <Character>: Stealth doesn't really look like a good strategy here. Zhoom: You underestimate me, friend. Load Rose Soldier Armor The Hero and Zhoom are dressed in Rose attire, standing in front of the palace. <Character>: This is a REALLY bad idea! Zhoom: Relax! We'll be fine. We did a good job on these costumes. <Character>: I CAN SEE THE GLUE HOLDING YOURS TOGETHER. Zhoom: Hey. I said we did a GOOD job. Not a GREAT one. Zhoom: You taught me the value of trust. Why can't you just follow my lead? <Character>: Trust doesn't dry hot glue faster. <Character>: And what are you going to say about your ears? And your skin? Zhoom: Uh... Zhoom: Well... We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. <Character>: Wait, Zhoom! Get back here! Zhoom: Afternoon, fellow Rose member! Zhoom: Might I be allowed access to these facilities? Rose Guard (1): Wha? Rose Guard (1): Whatcha want? Rose Guard (2): He wants to go inside, dummy! Rose Guard (1): Oh. Wai' a tick. Wha's wrong wiff yer skin? Rose Guard (2): And your ears? Zhoom: I uh... Zhoom: It's... magic? <Character>: Yeah, it really messed him up. Mangled him up pretty bad. <Character>: Just look at how ugly he is! Zhoom: ... What? Rose Guard (1): By golly, he's right! He's hideous! Dibbeon: Wait just a minute! Dibbeon: His ears are pointed! Magic can't just... DO that! <Character>: It was uh... really, REALLY complicated magic. <Character>: You wouldn't understand. Dibbeon: Try me. Rose Guard (1): Oh shaddap, Dibbeon! He got magicked bad! Rose Guard (2): Yeah, you dummy! Just let the ugly guy through! Dibbeon: No. Not until we can get clearance from the higher-ups. Dibbeon: This can't just be magic. He looks a lot like a Sand Elf. If he's one of those resistance people- <Character>: I knew it! I knew we wouldn't be able to go five steps without someone bringing it up! <Character>: How distressing that must be! The Hero nudges Zhoom. Zhoom: ... Oh. My feelings. They're so hurt. I'm so... ugly. Rose Guard (1): LOOK WHAT YA DONE NOW, DIBBEON! Rose Guard (2): You're coming with us. Magus Hansa'll hear about this! Rose Guard (2): Ranting about Sand Elves... Everyone knows they don't exist! Dibbeon: No! Stop, you idiots, stop! The Rose Guards drag Dibbeon away. <Character>: ... Wow. Zhoom: Told you so. <Character>: I stand corrected. <Character>: Let's get moving, ugly! Zhoom: Sigh <Character>: Is... Is that what I think it is? Zhoom: The Necrotic Blade of Doom? But it's- D.I.R.: Sings DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM... D.I.R.: DOOM! DOOM DOOM DOOM! DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOOOOOM! Zhoom: ... Not perfect. <Character>: I knew The Rose was up to no good. We just have to show this- Dibbeon: Enough. Dibbeon: Your little games end here, rebels. <Character>: No. YOU'RE done. This is all we need to show how wicked you people are! Dibbeon: ... Really? Dibbeon: Our research into the Necrotic Blade? Which we're using to fight undead in Doomwood? Dibbeon: You have no idea how much we help people... Dibbeon takes the false Necrotic Blade. Dibbeon: ... And I am not going to let you stop us! Fight Dibbeon Dibbeon is disarmed and Zhoom now holds the Necrotic Blade. Dibbeon: No! No! You won't do this to us! Dibbeon: After all we've sacrificed for the good of Lore! I won't lose to a Sand Elf! Zhoom points the Necrotic Blade at Dibbeon. D.I.R. uses the Necrotic Sword of Doom's Special, except the skulls are replaced by pigs. Dibbeon is stopped in his tracks and hit over and over again by the tiny pigs, knocking him unconscious. D.I.R.: See ya later! <Character>: ... Zhoom: ... Zhoom: How...? <Character>: I'm not going to pretend to understand. <Character>: We have some dirt on The Rose. That's all that matters. Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (12/1/2013 1:17:44)
Bear-Fisted Politics Location: Falconreach (Book 3) -> Down -> 2 Bottom Right -> Theater -> Showtime! Level/Quests/Items Required: Interview Objective: Make sure no one tears Sir Stephan apart! Objective completed: Looks like Stephan wasn't the one who needed protecting. Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (6) ManaHunter (3) Manahuntress (3) Energizer (1) Bear-Fisted Debater - Boss NPCs Magus Hansa Sir Stephan Zevox Rewards ? Dialogue Zevox: Hey hero! Mind coming over here for a second? Zevox: I have a favor to ask of you. Quest! <Character>: Everything alright? Zevox: Are you kidding? Things have never been better! Zevox: Ever since we had Sir Stephan on, we've been filling the house every night! <Character>: Oh, that's wonderful! <Character>: If things are going well, what do you need me for? Zevox: Well... You know how Sir Stephan is. Zevox: He's uhm... Well... He's kind of like- <Character>: He pushes buttons like a candy-addled chimp in a Best Buy. Zevox: Best what? Well... Yeah, I guess. Zevox: And today we're having some... sensitive guests. Zevox: Rose officials. Zevox: Think you and your dragon could rough 'em up if any fighting breaks out? <Character>: I dunno... I don't work for free. It'll cost you. Zevox: I'll give you a shiny whatchamajig that shoots laser beams. <Character>: DEAL! Zevox: Good! Just stand offstage. If you see a rumble about to break out, you'll know what to do. <Character>: Isn't that a foregone conclusion since you just gave me a quest to stop a rumble from happening? Zevox: Uhhhhh... TEN MINUTES LATER Zevox: Back by popular demand, heeeeeere's SIR STEPHAN! Sir Stephan: Good evening, people of the Kingdom of Swordhaven. Sir Stephan: You know... We have had a lot going on lately. Sir Stephan: Magic wreaking havoc on Lore. Sir Stephan: Squirrel-people terrorizing innocent civilians who do nothing more than their civic duty of burning down their homes. Sir Stephan: As a Lorian, I am disgusted. Shocked. Disgusted. Offended. And also revolted! <Character>: ... This isn't going to end well. <Dragon_Name>: Shh. Sir Stephan: Today, we have a guest who shares my sentiment. Our sentiment! Sir Stephan: Truly a patriot for all in service of the good King Alteon, give it up for Magus Hansa! Magus Hansa: I am glad to be on your show, Sir Stephan. Magus Hansa: Perhaps now we can clear some of the misconceptions our opposition has been upholding. Sir Stephan: Well, we're glad to have you! Sir Stephan: Let's get down to business. This whole "beating up magical creatures" program you've got here. Sir Stephan: Would that apply to bears, too? Magus Hansa: I am afraid I do not know what you are talking about, Stephan. Sir Stephan: You know! That whole thing in Sulen'Eska. You guys were heroes. Sir Stephan: If I were you, I would've stolen some candy from the Clawkin children to top it all off. Sir Stephan: I am all about that kind of thing! Magus Hansa: ... Forgive me, I do not follow. Sir Stephan: Look. You don't have to play dumb with me. I speak your language. Sir Stephan: "Down with magic." "Down with squirrel-people." "Down with bears." Sir Stephan: We need to knock everything down before it knocks us first. Sir Stephan: If there is a single fairy out there frolicking in the flowers, I am honor-bound by my duty to my countrymen to burn the flowers, chain up the fairy, and make it paint my armor whenever I feel like it! Magus Hansa: That is... one way to put it. I would like to put it a bit differently, if you do not mind. Sir Stephan: By all means! Sir Stephan: Take your time. I know my talk about fairies must have you absolutely rattled. Sir Stephan: In fact, we need to throw millions upon millions of our soldiers at a small cluster of them soon or else this kingdom is doomed. Magus Hansa: ... Magus Hansa: Tell me, Sir Stephan. Do you know how much work is required to police the use of magic? Sir Stephan: Of course! I think. I'm probably, maybe just about as sure as you are. Magus Hansa: It requires a lot of effort. Effort that simply cannot afford to have a substantial amount of time redirected from it. Magus Hansa: We are still striving to accomplish the most daunting of our tasks: to eliminate magic. Magus Hansa: Is it possible to give every race due warning and a trial before we enforce our laws? Yes. Magus Hansa: Is it efficient? No. Magus Hansa: We need to divert our attention to how and not why. We need efficiency if we are going to succeed. Sir Stephan: And sending millions of soldiers at small camps is efficient. Magus Hansa: ... Are you mocking our methods, Stephan? Sir Stephan: Of course not! I have never been more serious in my life! Sir Stephan: The Zerg Rush is the most revered of military strategies! Magus Hansa: ENOUGH! Magus Hansa lifts Stephan into the air with magic. Magus Hansa: I will not stand for this treachery, Stephan! Magus Hansa: You promised me a fair, unbiased opportunity to present The Rose! Sir Stephan: What are you talking about? You people are like gods to me! Sir Stephan: Oops, uh... Like very respectable, non-magical folk to me! <Character>: I guess this is our cue. <Dragon_Name>: Oh boy... <Character>: That's enough, Hansa. Just put the poor guy down. <Character>: He hasn't done you any harm. Magus Hansa: You... I should have known YOU would be here! Magus Hansa: Company... at attention! Members of the audience throw off their disguises, now wearing the garb of Rose infantry. Magus Hansa: Seize them! Clap them in irons for this slander! <Dragon_Name>: Quick! Don't let them take control of the stage! Fight Bear-Fisted Debater Magus Hansa: You insolent, intolerable... Magus Hansa: We give all of ourselves to protect you! And this is how you reward us! Sir Stephan: I would be more thankful if you did not hire bears as your incarcerators. Magus Hansa: This will not be the last you have seen of me! Sir Stephan: Oh! This means I have a recurring guest! That's wonderful! <Character>: Well... At least we get something shiny for this. <Character>: ... Right? <Character>: RIGHT? <Character>: No... If you do that thing where you cut to the Quest Complete screen again, I SWEAR I'LL Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (12/30/2013 18:58:20)
Desolation Location: ? Level/Quests/Items Required: ? Objective: Evade the Rose members; there are too many of them. Hide somewhere, anywhere! Objective completed: Seriously. Work on your jokes, man. Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (7) ManaHunter (6) Manahuntress (5) Energizer (3) Shackled Drake (6) Darkwolf Mercenary (1) Magus Hansa - Boss NPCs Carat Gelevren the Nightingale Kara SuLema Magus Hansa Rose Soldier Rewards ? Dialogue Kara SuLema: What happened at the prison? Where is everyone? Kara SuLema: You... look a little healthier than you had before you left. Quest! The rebel raid on Espina Rosa- comprised of the Hero, their dragon, Melissa, and Carat- has gone abysmally wrong. The Hero and Carat are running from the Rose infantry in the dead of night, and the prison itself is humming with activity. Its lights are shining inside and out. Carat: They're going to get me... Carat: They're going to k- <Character>: No. <Character>: We are not going to let that happen. Keep moving! Carat: Wait! Where's Melissa? <Character>: <Dragon_Name>...? A blinding light is shone right in their eyes. Rose Soldier: They're right here! I've found 'em! Carat: Silence him! Fight Rose Soldier <Character>: I... I hit him hard. Really hard. <Character>: Is he...? Carat: There's no time! Don't worry about him. Carat: Find your dragon. I'll find Mel. Carat: We need to get back to the court now! Enslaved dragons screech overhead. Search lights have been seared to their bodies and are supported by chains. Carat: Go! Run! After fighting deep into the surrounding forest, all becomes pitch black. ???: When were you so weak, old friend? ???: You need a Rose recruit still wet behind the ears to tell you to move... <Character>: Huh? Who's there? ???: You are not the Hero I once knew... ???: And you are not the Hero our world needs. <Character>: For your information, there is a war going on here. <Character>: I don't care who I am. I just want to end this. ???: There is the attitude, but none of the conviction. <Character>: Who are you to trivialize what's shaped me? A figure steps from the shadows, illuminating the forest with starlight. It is Gelevren. But he looks disheveled and wild. There are broken shackles still hanging on his wrists. Gelevren the Nightingale: One who feels Lore will be in desperate need for a story by this bloodshed's end. Gelevren the Nightingale: They need you. Not something like you. <Character>: You know what? Has anyone ever asked what I needed? <Character>: No. <Character>: Ever since I was unfrozen, it's been lecture after lecture after lecture. Like I'm a kid. <Character>: Like I was the person who made Drakath, or the person who split Warlic. <Character>: I'm not taking anymore. And I'm certainly not taking anymore from you. Gelevren the Nightingale: What is it that you need? <Character>: I... what I need? <Character>: What I need... Gelevren the Nightingale: I think you have many questions. Ones that you deserve to answer yourself. Gelevren the Nightingale: Try to think on that before you head back... May I? 1) Who are you? I am a warrior. [1st Result] I am a philosopher. [2nd Result] I am an artist. [3rd Result] I am what I need to be. [4th Result] 2) Where do you look in times of trouble? To my family. [3rd Result] To my friends. [1st Result] To all I have worked to achieve. [4th Result] Inward. [2nd Result] 3) What do you fear most? Deceit and betrayal. [1st Result] Helplessness. [3rd Result] Losing everything I have. [4th Result] Losing myself. [2nd Result] 4) What do you hate most? Uncertainty. [1st Result] Aggression. [3rd Result] Ignorance. [2nd Result] Oppression. [4th Result] 5) Why do you fight? To become stronger. [1st Result] To do what is right. [2nd Result] To protect those I love. [3rd Result] To have glory. [4th Result] 6) What do you feel the world needs most? Equality. [1st Result] Love. [3rd Result] Freedom. [4th Result] Truth. [2nd Result] 7) What do you want in yourself? To be happy. [1st Result] To be wise. [2nd Result] To be proud. [4th Result] To be loved. [3rd Result] 8) Again, who are you, hero? I am a warrior. [1st Result] I am a philosopher. [2nd Result] I am an artist. [3rd Result] I am what I need to be. [4th Result] I am me. [5th Result] Result 1: spoiler: You walk the lonely road of a warrior. You live simply, but with great purpose: for the peace, equality, and happiness of your friends. The road may be rife with ground gravel of uncertainty and fear, but it is your destiny to overcome every mole-hill-made-mountain. You will find your happiness. Result 2: spoiler: You walk the inquiring halls of philosophy. If there is a question out in the world, you will see to it that it is answered, and for you the truth is as the sun behind clouds: veiled, but certainly there. It is your destiny to clear the cloudy sky and find that truth you seek. You will find it. Result 3: spoiler: You walk the starved studio of an artist. You crave the emotional satisfaction of family and love, and it is through your words, your drawings, your music that you weave a spell which the universe will still channel its mana into long after civilization has collapsed. In all forms, it is your destiny to find love. Result 4: spoiler: You walk the unceasing stairs of ambition. It matters little what it is you want- whatever it is you desire, you have the will and the fortitude to make it be. You value freedom above all else, and it will be your ambitions which carry you to true liberty. It is your destiny to fly free. Result 5: spoiler: You walk the road less traveled... And I pray that you grapple Fate for the destiny that is yours. Gelevren the Nightingale: Do you feel any better now? Breathing more calmly, perhaps? <Character>: I... You know? Yeah. I feel much better. <Character>: I think I needed this. Gelevren the Nightingale: And if I might make one more request? Gelevren the Nightingale: Lighten up a little. If there is one thing I feel world needs most, it is a little humor. Gelevren smiles and tips his hat before dissolving into a sea of constellations and stars, then utter nothingness. <Character>: Gel? Gel, where did you-? Magus Hansa: End of the line, dog. Magus Hansa: You may have duped my warriors, but you cannot escape me. Magus Hansa: Come quietly. We may be willing to hold you at a reduced sentence... Magus Hansa: ... of fifteen years. <Character>: So a choice between being put in the pound and biting the guy with the big net? <Character>: Let me put things this way... <Character>: Ruff. Fight Magus Hansa Magus Hansa: AUUGH! Magus Hansa: Not again! Don't you dare leave my sight! <Character>: Sorry, Hansa, but this mutt isn't hauling blind people. <Character>: Except nice blind people... And helpless blind people. <Character>: ... After five years, my jokes need work. Magus Hansa rises and begins casting a spell, but silvery starlight is shot into her eyes. Magus Hansa: WHO-? Gelevren the Nightingale: Run, <Character>. I shall keep her occupied. Gelevren the Nightingale: In the meanwhile, work on your jokes. That was kind of bad. <Character>: I know, right? The DragonFable Hero departs. Gelevren turns to Magus Hansa. Gelevren the Nightingale: So we meet again... Magus Hansa: You... Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (1/26/2014 16:42:58)
He Who Stands Between Warning: Contains spoilers for my L&L, He Who Stands Between. Location: ? Level/Quests/Items Required: ? Objective: Gelevren has evaded your questions long enough. After him! Objective completed: Nothing is certain anymore. Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (7) ManaHunter (6) Manahuntress (3) Primeval Earth (3) Primeval Water (3) Primeval Wind (3) Primeval Fire (1) Gelevren the Nightingale - Boss (1) Shade of Malakh - Boss NPCs Faerdin Gelevren the Nightingale Kara SuLema Lord Malakh Rewards ? Dialogue Kara SuLema: So you lost not only Mel and Carat, but your dragon as well? Kara SuLema: This all sounds rather dire... But we are not through yet. <Character>: Do you think we may be able to regroup and strike back? Kara SuLema: Nay. That is precisely what Espina Rosa's guards believe will happen. Kara SuLema: Rest for a moment. I will call you when we have formulated a plan. Quest! The Hero is wandering Sulen'Eska late at night. There is a new moon; only stars are lighting the sky. When the character has reached the edge of the encampment, they close their eyes. <Character>: <Dragon_Name>... How could I have let this happen? <Character>: They should have taken me instead. A pair of eyes- one azure, one gold- flash amidst the shadows of the surrounding forest. <Character>: ... I swear, when I find you, things will be different. <Character>: I won't leave you out of my sight. <Character>: And you'll only get Her-O's from now on! Gelevren the Nightingale: <Character>. <Character>: AGH! You didn't see that! I wasn't crying! <Character>: I just got... uh... glass in my eyes! Evil glass! Gelevren the Nightingale: Certainly, old friend. Gelevren the Nightingale: You say that you lost <Dragon_Name>? <Character>: Yes... Yes, I did. Kara is going to- Gelevren the Nightingale: You are working with the Vind? <Character>: You ask as though there's something wrong with that. Gelevren the Nightingale: A great deal is wrong nowadays... Gelevren the Nightingale: All is no longer what it seems. All had once been so much simpler. Gelevren the Nightingale: Ah, well. In any case, I hope you find <Dragon_Name> well. Dragons gentle in egg and adolescence alike do not come so easily. <Character>: Just who are you, anyway? Gelevren the Nightingale: I beg your pardon. <Character>: You could sense the power in my dragon, sent us to that forsaken castle to get attacked by Sepulchure's wayward flunkies... <Character>: ... And now you seem to be implying that you knew my dragon before it hatched. <Character>: I'm not playing the buffoon anymore. There's something here you're not telling me. Gelevren the Nightingale: Ah... Then you are cast well, fellow actor. Gelevren the Nightingale: But I am afraid the manager has given us five. Gelevren bows, then takes off into the woods. <Character>: No! You're not running away this time! <Character>: Get back here! The Hero finds Gelevren clutching the detached skull of a skeleton not too far away. A familiar, curved blade is buried between its ribs. Gelevren the Nightingale: Alas, poor Malakh... I knew him, hero. <Character>: End of the line, Gel. You said I deserved answers. <Character>: I have no problem taking them from you. Gelevren the Nightingale: All the answers lie here, old friend. A symbol on the back of Gelevren's hand flashes white as a spirit rises from the skull, wearing the attire of a high-ranking Paladin. Lord Malakh: By the right of our good King Alteon, these backstabbers shall not take my life so easily! Lord Malakh: Light, come to my aid in my hour of need! Fight Gelevren and Shade of Malakh Gelevren's mask falls to the floor, one of its supporting strings severed by the ferocity of the fight. On his face- running up his cheek and through his golden eye- is a mottled, blackened scar. Much of the man before the Hero flickers and fades like an illusion, leaving someone with azure hair and pointed ears. His eyes are the same color as they had been before, and he still bears his scar, but he is now wearing plated armor inscribed with magical runes along its edges. A longsword is sheathed at his waist. <Character>: Gel...? ???: I cannot use that name any longer. The curtain has fallen on Gelevren. ???: You are owed the truth, as you said... I am called Rune Knight, He Who Stands Between, half-elf... ???: ... But I prefer to be called Faerdin. <Character>: This just opened a new can of worms... <Character>: But right now, I'm more concerned about what you think of Kara. Faerdin: The man whose echo you just fought is the long-missing Lord Malakh. He was a loyal subject of King Alteon and unwitting defender of The Rose. Faerdin: Do you recognize the blade buried in his body? The Hero looks to the sword. They recall a member of the Fairy Court having used a similar weapon. <Character>: I... They killed him? Faerdin: Welcome to the world of war, old friend. Faerdin: A world of no sin and no virtue... Only life, death, and everything inbetween. Faerdin reaches into a bush and pulls out a helm. As he places it upon his head, his face is obscured save for his glowing eyes. Faerdin: There are muffins, though. So there is that. Who are you? Faerdin: I am Faerdin Eilrua. But I am also many things. Faerdin: There has been some overlap between my essence and that of the Elemental Planes since the Shattering... Faerdin: When the Elemental Orbs were destroyed, that is. Faerdin: Everything... Everything has been wrong since that day. Where have you been? Faerdin: During these last five years, I was imprisoned by The Rose. Faerdin: They convinced me at one point to fight for them... It did not take me long to see through them. Faerdin: But who cannot be seen through? That is the more troubling question. Rune Knight? Faerdin: What does define one of my kind? There have been so many interpretations... Faerdin: My order, the Hand of the Avatars, originally served as protectors of the elements, much the same as DragonLords and Guardians. Faerdin: I, however, believe we hold an even higher calling. <Character>: But you are a knight. Who are you pledged to serve? Faerdin: Myself. <Character>: Ha. Faerdin: And through myself, everyone. Hand of the Avatars? Faerdin: They were an order of people like me... But they exist no more. Faerdin: I... I am the last of my kind. Faerdin: The cursed fiend Sepulchure slaughtered them all. Faerdin: That villain... He is the reason I have this blasted scar! Faerdin: ... Oh, that is an old tale I am too tired to tell. My dragon? Faerdin: Ah, poor <Dragon_Name>. It goes without saying that we must save them. <Character>: But how did you know them beyond the Prophecy and meeting them five years ago? Faerdin: Sepulchure nearly had the Black Dragon Box long ago. But Aurauris and I managed to foil him together. Faerdin: We returned the egg to the Temple of the Four Winds... It was a spectacular journey. What now? Faerdin: What indeed. Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (2/23/2014 15:51:35)
Gorillaphant Grood Location: ? Level/Quests/Items Required: ? Objective: What is happening to the Falconreach Zoo? Objective completed: This zoo's bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (3) Mind-controlled Monkee (3) Anarchist Monkee (1) Heer Noh (1) Sea Noh (1) Speek Noh (1) Gorillaphant Grood - Boss NPCs Anoril Batoro Grood Heer San Robin Sea Speek Rewards ? Dialogue San Robin: Whalloping wombats, Batoro! Batoro: What is it, Boy Wonder? San Robin: I'm not a boy. Capeless Crusader. Batoro: I'll have you know it is OBSCENELY dangerous to use capes-! <Character>: Alright, that's enough. What's going on, Robin? San Robin: Trouble's brewing at the Falconreach Zoo! Quest! Anoril: Thank the Avatars you fellas could make it! Anoril: I'm at my wit's ends here. Batoro: What seems to be the problem? Anoril: We got a shipment of monkees for our new exhibit... Anoril: But they're... They're... <Character>: What? Anoril points to the monkees, who are wielding picket signs and holding an anti-zoo rally. <Character>: Those are just ordinary monkees, right? Anoril: Whaddya mean? <Character>: I'm asking whether or not you got these monkees from a shady antique shop or something. Anoril: No, not at all! San Robin: I guess there's only one way we can put a stop to this. <Character>: Mediation and unionization? San Robin: Nope. Choreographed stage combat! Batoro sets down a boombox. It starts playing cheesy action music. Batoro: It's wrastlin' time. Batoro and San Robin run into the throng of monkeys. Batoro bodyslams one of the monkeys. WHAM! San Robin karate chops another monkey. BIFF! Two monkeys start running at Batoro. He jumps into the air and they crash into each other. KRAKAOW! San Robin is in a stranglehold and getting a noogie from a gorillaphant. EMBARRASSMENT! Batoro and San Robin punch the gorillaphant in the face together. POW! Meanwhile, in reality... The monkees have piled on top of San Robin and are clinging to Batoro's ankles while he runs away. Batoro: NO! DON'T END THE DREAM SEQUENCE YET! San Robin: MMMFFF! Batoro: HERO! MANY MONKEES! HANDLE IT! <Character>: Sigh Here we go. Continue Add Batoro Add San Robin <Character>: Alright. To whoever's doing this: Come out and show yourself! Batoro: Your perspicacious primates are history, evildoer! San Robin: What he said! A gorillaphant with a metal contraption attached to its head reveals itself. Batoro: Gorillaphant Grood... This makes perfect sense now! <Character>: Not for me, it doesn't. Grood: We meet again, Batoro and San Robin! Grood: And it looks like you brought another one with you... <Character>: Hey there. Grood: Silence, whelp! You shall not defeat me... Grood: You shall not break the mind-control spell I placed on my brethren... Grood: Nor shall you defeat my helpers: Heer, Sea, and Speek! Heer: Long live the Regime... Sea: Long live the monkees... Sea and Heer: Long live the glorious Grood! Fight Monkee Tribunal <Character>: Blast! Grood escaped. Batoro: Yes... But I have an idea. Batoro: Go hunt down Grood. We'll be ready when you are. Grood: Ah, little hero... It seems you have me cornered. <Character>: Why were you trying to take over the zoo? <Character>: You might be smart, and your minions might be smart, but those other monkees are just animals. Grood: Just animals? So naive. Grood: Are you not just an animal? <Character>: Nah. I'm a beast. There's a difference. Grood: Bah! Come then, hero! Come and face your doom! Fight Gorillaphant Grood San Robin flies out of nowhere and kicks Gorillaphant Grood into an open cage. Batoro locks it. <Character>: Wait, wait. THAT was your plan? Batoro: Of course, dear hero. I shall explain my reasoning. Batoro: Monkees, I noticed, seem to have an extreme aversion to cages. Batoro: So I asked myself- <Character>: You know what? I don't think I need to hear anymore. I got it. Grood: This isn't the last you have seen of Gorillaphant Grood! Grood: Monkees everywhere know my name and lie in wait! Grood: The tyranny of man shall be brought down! <Character>: ... You are bananas. Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (2/27/2014 2:09:56)
The Darkened Shore Warning: Contains spoilers for my L&L, He Who Stands Between. Location: ? Level/Quests/Items Required: ? Objective: Shadows are encroaching on the shores of Falconreach... Objective completed: After all these years, the Guardians are finally laid to rest. But how long until the Stranger returns? Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (2) Rose Watchman (1) Primeval Light (4) Primeval Darkness (2) Primeval Earth (4) Primeval Water (4) Primeval Wind (1) Primeval Fire (6) Undead Guardian (1) Shade of the Stranger - Boss (1) Tenebrius - Boss NPCs Chiku Faerdin Guardian Etaneon Guardian Lucas Guardian Malakh Guardian Oz Guardian Roland Mysterious Stranger Rewards Primordial Darkness Rime of the Righteous Mariner Dialogue <Character>: We need to do something... <Dragon_Name> is in danger! <Character>: I saw what The Rose did to those other dragons... Faerdin: We shall address the loss of your dragon... in time. Faerdin: But at the present, there is a far more pressing concern. Quest! <Character>: What could be more important than saving <Dragon_Name>? <Character>: I thought you knew what The Rose did to magical creatures! Faerdin: Yes... But there is a matter we must first put to rest. Faerdin conjures an illusion of the Guardian Tower's destruction, the fall of Sepulchure's Fortress, and the death of the SMUDD. Faerdin: Our evils do not disperse like smoke on the wind... Faerdin: They linger. The evils of our universe are no different. Faerdin: The darkness spirit responsible for the Sundering has not left us... Faerdin: Nor do such spirits ever leave. The illusion then shifts to one of a lone Light Elemental. Faerdin: When a physical embodiment of an element is destroyed, they do not die. Faerdin: Nay... Their essence simply returns to the Elemental Plane from which they originated. Faerdin: Banished. Faerdin: Your victory over the Great Darkness was immense, but not absolute. Faerdin: You defeated the spirit, but you did not banish it. <Character>: So the Stranger is still alive? Where is he? Faerdin: I cannot be sure... But I have my suspicions. Faerdin: Do you know of Falconreach Dock? <Character>: Yes... Yes, it all makes sense! <Character>: Both The Rose and The Vind have refused to touch it! Faerdin: And the waters whisper to me... They speak of the Guardians. Faerdin: Those who sacrificed their lives for everyone and everything we hold dear. Faerdin: Someone- or something- is shackling their spirits there. <Character>: ... I know what I need to do. Faerdin: Indeed... Please, free those poor souls. Their misfortune has reached an end. Faerdin: And if you should happen to find anything strange there, old friend... Bring it to me. The DragonFable Hero fights through Falconreach Dock and Sepulchure's sunken fortress. Undead Guardian #1 Defeated Chiku: Freed... At last... <Character>: Chiku! Chiku: The bad luck... Chiku: It wasn't Sepulchure... Wasn't the dragon... <Character>: What? Chiku: Thank you... Chiku fades. Undead Guardian #2 Defeated Guardian Etaneon: My spirit! I am myself once more! Guardian Etaneon: The maddening whispering... Guardian Etaneon: It has finally ceased... Guardian Etaneon fades. Undead Guardian #3 Defeated Guardian Malakh: Father... I have failed you. <Character>: Your father would be proud of everything you did. Guardian Malakh: Hero... <Character>: Who was it binding you here? Guardian Malakh: That... That thing you all fought after Sepulchure... Guardian Malakh: But... There's something else... Something... Guardian Malakh fades. Undead Guardian #4 Defeated Guardian Lucas: PLEASE! PLEASE, NO MORE! <Character>: Everything's okay. It can't hurt you anymore. Guardian Lucas: YOU ARE A FOOL! Guardian Lucas: My soul has lain among the silent gods... Guardian Lucas: They lie dreaming beneath our feet! Guardian Lucas: We are but instruments for their amusement! Guardian Lucas: The Avatars are done! OUR LIVES ARE EXTINGUISHED! Guardian Lucas fades. Undead Guardian #5 Defeated Guardian Roland: Blood... So much blood... Guardian Roland: Ynngup klth drg tgnn... Guardian Roland: We are nothing... Guardian Roland fades. Undead Guardian #6 Defeated Guardian Oz: There is nothing for us... Guardian Oz: Nothing but darkness... Guardian Oz fades. The DragonFable Hero approaches the Mysterious Stranger, who appears to be a void of primordial darkness. Mysterious Stranger: You... You insect. Mysterious Stranger: Your foolishness has lead you to me... Mysterious Stranger: ... And now, there is no dragon to cower behind. Mysterious Stranger: No magical artifacts to protect you... Mysterious Stranger: And when I destroy you, their souls shall be mine once again! Mysterious Stranger: They will suffer for their insolence until this world is returned to darkness! <Character>: You will NOT have them! Mysterious Stranger: YOUR SNIVELING ASPIRATIONS MEAN NOTHING! Fight Shade of the Stranger The Mysterious Stranger seems momentarily defeated, but rather than being banished, the power of the Mysterious Stranger seems to swell. Mysterious Stranger: Hahahaha... Mysterious Stranger: HAHAHAHA! <Character>: What are you doing? What's going on?! Sepulchure's entire fortress begins to heave under the growing power. It seems almost as though an outside force is acting to protect the Mysterious Stranger, spreading its essence throughout the walls of the fortress to bend and shape them, transforming it into a gargantuan ship of darkness and bone. The spirits of the Guardians are dragged back into their undead husks to serve as the ship's crew. Mysterious Stranger: I am become Death... Fight Tenebrius The Mysterious Stranger's presence seems to melt away from the ship. The undead husks shatter to release the Guardians once more. Guardian Lucas: The elements... I can feel their warmth again! Guardian Lucas: Wondrous, wondrous warmth... Guardian Etaneon: Thank you... Thank you, hero... <Character>: It's the least I could do. <Character>: You guys gave everything to save us. Chiku: We gave everything to save Lore... and we would gladly do it again. Chiku: Consider this our final act of service. The Guardians return to Tenebrius and drive it toward the ships of the Rose. It rams into the docked ships and utterly splinters them before coming to a halt and receding back down to its resting place. Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (3/9/2014 0:22:32)
The Pots Thicken Warning: Contains spoilers for my L&L, He Who Stands Between. Location: ? Level/Quests/Items Required: Primordial Darkness Objective: You need to find that Draught of Deception! Objective completed: Alina and Reens have joined The Rose? What is the world coming to? Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (5) Rose Alchemist (5) Rose Watchman (4) Rootwrought Terror (1) Alina - Boss (1) Reens - Boss NPCs Alina Faerdin Reens Rewards Draught of Deception Dialogue Faerdin: Ah... Yes, this essence is just what I needed. Faerdin: I shall... store it until such a time presents itself that we will need it. <Character>: And...? <Character>: My dragon? Can we save <Dragon_Name> now? Faerdin: Yes, of course. Faerdin: But it will not be easy... The Rose is certain to be watching more closely. <Character>: So the Face Nommer approach may not work so well this time... <Character>: What can we do? Faerdin: It will not be easy... But I have an idea. Faerdin: There is potion I know would be able to aid us. But its materials are rare and expensive. Faerdin: Fortunately, there is a warehouse managed by apothecaries of The Rose not far from here... <Character>: ... And The Rose has a knack for finding rare and expensive materials. Faerdin: Precisely my thoughts, <Character>. They are bound to already have some of the potion there. <Character>: But Espina Rosa is able to dispel magical illusions. Faerdin: That is why we must steal The Rose's own concoctions... Faerdin: Whatever blasted material they use to dispel magic can also be ground into potions... Faerdin: When correctly treated, the potion's effects are not removed by their sorcery. Faerdin: So... Ready for a stealth mission, old friend? Quest! <Character>: I can't remember the last stealth mission I had that involved beating up everything in sight. Faerdin: Stealth is not very easy when you are wearing armor that jingles and clanks more than a scrapyard. <Character>: Couldn't you have just taken it off? Faerdin: And lose my set bonus? <Character>: Oh geez. Let's just start looking. This potion looks interesting... Faerdin: I can tell from the coloration what that one does. The DragonFable Hero drinks some of the potion while Faerdin talks. There is a mirror on the wall by the Hero. Faerdin: It is a Potion of Prophetic Vision. If you look into a reflective surface, you will see your fate. Faerdin: It is little more than concentrated azure leaf extract, which deters its predators with the effect- <Character>: Why is there a skeleton in the mirror? Faerdin: Oh, it is nothing, nothing at all. Faerdin: Someone you know is going to die is all. <Character>: WHAT? Faerdin: Uh... Alas, here lies another intriguing elixir! ???: Is someone there? <Character>: Monkeebiscuits! Faerdin, keep searching! Faerdin: On it, old friend. The Sigil on the back of Faerdin's hand flashes yellow as he waves it over the remaining elixirs. Meanwhile, the Hero leaves the room. <Character>: Alright, let's just get this over w- <Character>: ... Alina? Alina: <Character>? Alina: What are you doing here? Alina: Are you... Have you been responsible for all of this? <Character>: I could ask you the same question. <Character>: Alina... What does Rolith think of all this? A tear slips down Alina's cheek. Alina: What my husband thinks is that we should continue to allow magic a ruling place in our life. Alina: We all have to make our sacrifices. Reens: Alina, did you find the- <Character>? <Character>: Not you too, Reens! <Character>: This is madness! Faerdin: Alright, we have the potion. We can leave. Reens: It's him! Alina: ... Someone call Magus Hansa. Fight Alina and Reens Alina: Ugh... I'm sorry, <Character>, but we can't let you leave if you're with him! Alina takes a light blue potion from her belt and throws it on the ground by the Hero and Faerdin. A blue mist starts surrounding them. <Character>: Argh... My... My mana! She's siphoning my mana! Faerdin: Grab my arm, <Character>. <Character>: What-? Faerdin: JUST DO IT! The Hero holds on to Faerdin, whose eyes appear crazed and much different than before. He brings down his arm and lets out a massive explosion, clearing away the mist, blowing away Alina and Reens, and setting the whole building aflame. Faerdin then grabs the Hero and pulls them through a dimension of flame. Once the sequence is finished, Faerdin and the Hero are back in their original location by Sulen'Eska. <Character>: What in the Avatars' name was that?! Faerdin: I... I am sorry, <Character>. Faerdin: My initial intention was to pull us through the Elemental Plane of Fire... But I lost myself. <Character>: Sorry? Those were my friends! You could have hurt them! Faerdin: Friends who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Faerdin: My condition... Rare is the time I can ever restrain it. <Character>: Try harder. <Character>: Oh... We have the potion. I guess that's what matters. Faerdin: ... Faerdin: On the bright side, you did not die. Faerdin: That is always a source of relief, right? Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (4/5/2014 19:29:24)
Oh, the Twitter Location: ? Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: What's that hiding in the treetop? Objective completed: It's that rascal- the Twitterbug! Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (5) Bear (6) Lion (5) Dandytiger (1) Twitterbug - Boss NPCs Ralon Rose Officer Thom Twitterbug Rewards ? Dialogue Thom: A little help, fleshie? Ralon: Screeeeeeeeeeeeeech. Quest! <Character>: Looks like things haven't gotten much better around here. <Character>: I thought getting rid of Pallor would've helped things along. Thom: If your head wasn't made of mush, you'd figure something was wrong when you saw me like that again! <Character>: My head's not the one full of mush here. <Character>: Have you ever cut open a pumpkin before? It's kind of sick. Ralon: BeeBoopBeep Screeeeeeeeeeeeeech. Thom: Ralon's right! That's insensitive! <Character>: Calling someone a mush-head isn't exactly tactful. <Character>: But that's beside the point. Who put you up there? Thom: Ralon. Ralon: Screeeeeeeech. <Character>: ... So your friend put you up there. Thom: He didn't do it willingly! Ralon: Boop. <Character>: Sounds pretty willing to me. Thom: He doesn't know better. We've been hearing things in the forest. Thom: Weird things. Scary things! <Character>: We don't really need more validation than that. <Dragon_Name>: Take us to the place where you heard the noises. <Character>: Man! There are an obscene amount of lions, dandytigers, and bears in Doomwood. <Dragon_Name>: Oh my... Did you notice the shackles on them? Thom: Yeah, they've been like that for a while. <Character>: I have a feeling I know who's behind this... But let's keep going. Thom: Alright... So I was just standing here, minding my own business. Thom: Then I heard a... RETWEET! Thom: Yeah, like that! Ralom's eyes glow red. Ralon: Boop. <Dragon_Name>: Uh-oh. Them's fightin' words! Thom: Whoa, buddy... You okay? Ralom starts picking up Thom and rolling away. Thom: NO! NOT AGAIN! AHHH! <Character>: Wait, stop! Over there! There is a beetle in one of the nearby trees with headgear similar to Gorillaphant Grood's. <Character>: What... What is that? Twitterbug: "I'm really sick of having to oil up Ralom. What am I, his butler?" RT! Thom: ... Twitterbug: "IS THAT THING READING MY MIND?" RT! Thom: KILL IT WITH FIRE! Or maybe something less flammable. <Dragon_Name>: If you guys don't mind, I'm kind of hungry. <Character>: Hey, hey! <Character>: First of all: ew. <Dragon_Name>: Bread scraps for five years. I take what I can get. <Character>: Second, this thing probably has something to do with The Rose. <Character>: We need to figure out what they were doing with it before- Twitterbug: #YOLO! <Character>: ... You're right. It needs to die. <Character>: Anyone have something to crush it with? Thom: I have a book. <Character>: Nah, that'll just spread it all over the place. ???: STOP! A Rose Officer enters. Rose Officer: Step away from the Twitterbug! Rose Officer: It is a sanctioned form of surveillance by the king! <Character>: So it just soaks up all the random nonsense people are thinking... <Character>: ... and regurgitates it so you can know what everyone's doing all the time? Thom: I feel violated. Ralon: BooBopBooBopBooBopBooBop. Rose Officer: This is your last warning... Keep away! <Character>: We're not going to let you keep us in a twitter. Sorry. Fight Twitterbug Rose Officer: Oh boy... Akanthus is going to kill me. The Rose Officer runs away. <Character>: Well, this is going to keep The Rose on its toes, at least. Thom: You think those Rose guys were really...? <Character>: Yup. Thom: ... Thom: Maybe that's why... Ralon: Screeeeeeeeeeeeeech. <Dragon_Name>: Yeah. Just keep your thoughts to yourself. Complete Quest! Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (4/18/2014 2:19:49)
A Vigil Unending Warning: Contains spoilers for my L&L, He Who Stands Between. Location: ? Level/Quests/Items Required: ? Objective: The Rune Knight Faerdin has promised that necessary reagents lie with a fabled monster deep within this cave. Objective completed: For a noble cause? Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (2) Rose Soldier (5) Forgotten Protector (5) Primeval Light (2) Primeval Darkness (1) Gypsus - Boss NPCs Faerdin Gypsus Rewards Crystal Sorrow Dialogue <Character>: Alright. Let's do this. Faerdin: Not quite yet, old friend. There is one last material on our list. Faerdin: The Rose has taken interest in a cave somewhere in the east. Faerdin: A monster seems to have taken residence there... Faerdin: A monster which holds the key to our plans. <Character>: What's so important about it? Faerdin: You shall see. Quest! The pathing of the Quest is strangely similar to the Crystal Cave. The Hero soon comes across the stone pillar they cut down and made into a bridge. <Character>: This place... <Character>: It feels familiar. Especially here. <Character>: Like I had a life-or-death experience here or something. <Character>: ... Nah. The Hero arrives before the fallen tree Corundum, and sees a tall, crystallized golem standing over its stump. Gypsus: Leave, surface dweller. Gypsus: I am warning you only once. <Character>: Oh. It talks. <Character>: Then again, I should really expect anything to talk by this point. Gypsus: I have no quarrel with you. Your kind repayed for the crimes committed here. <Character>: Crime? All I did was cut down a tree that ATTACKED ME. Gypsus: ... It was YOU. Gypsus: YOU killed our beloved Corundum! Gypsus: You MURDERER! Fight Gypsus Gypsus: Why have you returned here, Darkener? Gypsus: Have you come to take what remains of our beloved Corundum as well? <Character>: No! I just came here to... put a stop to you, I guess. Gypsus: Put a stop to me. You guess. Gypsus: All I have been doing is defending myself from the monsters above. Gypsus: They who would turn a thing of beauty- the Vizalain- into a weapon. <Character>: ... <Character>: I'm sorry... <Character>: I honestly didn't know. I just wanted to have a weapon against the Great Darkness. Gypsus: You did? <Character>: Yeah. And we... we were the ones who conquered it. Gypsus: At least our Corundum lost her life for a noble cause. Gypsus: I cannot say as much. Gypsus: ... Can you? <Character>: What? Gypsus: Your cause. Do you think it is noble? <Character>: ... I don't really know anymore. <Character>: I just want to end this madness. Gypsus: For the sake of my people, I hope so. The Hero begins to leave. Gypsus: ... What is your name? <Character>: <Character>. Gypsus: Please, have this. Gypsus reaches into his chest and extracts a beautiful, iridescent shard of crystallized light. Gypsus: It is all I have left to give... Gypsus: And I may perish knowing I gave my life for a noble cause. <Character>: Wait... Gypsus sits in front of Corundum and closes his eyes. Gypsus: Go... The glow fades from Gypsus' core, leaving him solid and immovable. Faerdin: Do you have it? <Character>: Yeah... You sent me there on purpose. <Character>: You knew what I did and wanted me to learn from the lives I impacted, didn't you? Faerdin: What? No. Faerdin: That is not what I meant at all. Whatever gave you that idea? <Character>: Oh... I dunno. Anyway, yeah, I have it. Faerdin: Ah, yes... Poor Gypsus. Faerdin: Do not fret, old friend. His life was given... for a noble cause. Complete Quest Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (5/25/2014 0:08:35)
Chocolate with Guts Location: ? Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: Fancy living, here you come! LA LA LA LA LAAA! Objective completed: You always hated chocolate. Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (1) Frenzied Lich - Boss (1) Wither - Boss NPCs Bubble, Bubble, Toil, and Trouble Lich Student Rewards ? Dialogue Bubble: Hiya, <Character>! Toil: Lovely to see you again, <Character>. Check out this new recipe! Quest! <Character>: Finally thinking outside the box, Bubble? Bubble: Haha. Real funny. But save your jokes for later. Toil: Yeah, don't give her claws for alarm. It might just be catastrophic. Bubble: ... I'm never living this down, am I? Trouble: Giggles Trouble: Anywho, have a taste! The Hero reaches down into Myx and has a taste. Bubble: Well? <Character>: ... That tasted like a chocolate-drizzled chunk of my grandma's buttocks. Trouble: Oh, I didn't know you had a grandma! <Character>: Had. Trouble: Oh. Yikes. <Dragon_Name>: What's with the candy? Bubble: Well, we noticed something odd about our buyers. <Character>: What? Bubble: There weren't any. <Dragon_Name>: That's a little problematic. Toil: So we talked about it, made some decisions... Bubble: We live in Doomwood. So we're widening our demographic! Bubble: Candy for the living and the dead alike! Bubble takes a spoon and scoops out some chocolate with what appears to be human organs. <Character>: ... Excuse me for a moment. The Hero walks offscreen. HEUUUUGHH! *Twenty Minutes Later* <Character>: Alright, I'm back. <Character>: So Bubble's candy is people? Toil: No. It's just terribly convincing. Toil: We're calling it "Chocolate with Guts!" <Dragon_Name>: Could I have another sample? <Character>: ... <Dragon_Name>: What? <Character>: So... Walk me through this again. Bubble: You're going into the Necropolis. Bubble: You're going to sell the chocolate to the necromancers and undead hiding out there. Bubble: Then it's fancy living, here we come! All the gold we'll ever need! <Character>: Alright... I'll be fine. Trouble: Sure you will! Good luck! Bubble, Bubble, Toil, and Trouble walk away. Then a lich walks up to them. <Character>: Oh, hey! Could I ask a moment of your time? Lich: Why are you talking to me? <Dragon_Name>: We're selling chocolate! Lich: Wait. You're selling chocolate? Lich: Chocolate?! Lich: CHOCOLATE! Lich: CHOCOLAAAAAAAATE! Fight Frenzied Lich <Character>: Phew... <Dragon_Name>: Hey. Could you imagine if he just wanted to buy all our chocolate? <Character>: Yeah... Probably not. He was screaming so much. <Dragon_Name>: Good thing we can beat people up. The Hero arrives at another part of Necro U. They knock on the door, and a necromancer answers. Student: Yes? <Character>: Hello there! Would you like to purchase some chocolate? <Dragon_Name>: With or without guts! Student: ... Come in. The Hero and their dragon enter. Immediately, they see the withered husk of some undead woman. <Character>: ... I immediately regret this decision. Fight Wither <Character>: ... You know, I have a better idea. <Dragon_Name>: What? *Twenty Minutes Later* The Necropolis is on fire. The Hero and their dragon are flying away. <Character>: If Bubble, Toil, or Trouble ask... We got turned away. Complete Quest! Loot Shop

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (8/15/2014 18:02:26)
Ain't Never Location: ? Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: Why did Ash bring you to the Sandsea? Objective completed: Well... This is weird. Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (7) Scorpiarc (4) Sand Elf Mummy (6) Scarab Lord (1) Emperor Scarab - Boss (2) Scarab Lord - Boss NPCs Ash DragonBlade Cave of Wanders Djinny Iago Rewards Eternal Dialogue Ash: There you are! I've been looking all over for you! Ash: Can you please, please, PLEASE help me with something? <Character>: Thought bubble Let me guess. It's about princesses. <Character>: What's up, Ash? Ash: You see, there's... this girl... <Character>: Who happens to be a princess? Ash: How'd you know? <Character>: ... Ash: Oh. Well, this guy said to go the Cave of Wanders in the Sandsea and- <Character>: Wait, wait. Where did you meet this guy? Ash: In a dungeon. <Character>: Nothing questionable about that. Where's the Cave of Wanders? Ash: I'll show you! Come with me! <Dragon_Name>: I've got a really bad feeling about this. Quest! *One merchant-serenaded camel ride later* Iago approaches. He looks like a very greasy old man. <Dragon_Name>: No comment. Iago: Ah, Ash DragonBlade... I am pleased to see you took my offer. Iago: And you brought a friend! Excellent, excellent. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Iago. Iago: Here are a few things you should know before entering the Cave of Wanders. <Character>: Thought bubble Wow... This isn't what I expected. <Character>: Thought bubble I feel like I'm about to be stabbed or something. <Character>: Thought bubble Is... Is that gold in his teeth? Ash, I'm going to kill you. <Character>: Thought bubble Even this guy's name... Iago? That's just riddled with evil. Iago: Got it? <Character>: Yep! <Dragon_Name>: Affirmative growl Ash: Absolutely! <Character>: Thought bubble You know what? I'm just going to smile. Smile and slowly inch around the guy. <Character>: Thought bubble Just keep smiling. Whatever you do, don't look back. Just keep walking and smiling. <Character>: Thought bubble Almost inside... Aaaaaand... <Character>: We're not doing anything that guy just said. Ash: What? <Character>: That was the most obviously evil person I have ever met in my life. <Dragon_Name>: I thought he was going to stab one of us. <Character>: Exactly! Ash: Y'know, now that you mention it... He did sort of have a... "Stabby" aura about him. Cave of Wanders: TOUCH NOTHING BUT THE LAMP! Ash: Aww. <Character>: Aww. <Dragon_Name>: Aww. Magical constructs are no fun. The Hero, their dragon, and Ash DragonBlade approach a pedestal with a blue lamp on it. A Scarab Lord is still biting onto Ash's leg. <Character>: That seemed pretty easy. Ash: Yeah! <Dragon_Name>: What are you waiting for, Ash? Go ahead and take it. Ash picks up the lamp. Nothing special really happens. <Character>: Did Stabby tell you what to do next? Ash: I didn't know why he wanted this old thing. He just said he'd be able to make my wishes come true. . . . <Character>: Welp. Mission failure. Sorry about that, Ash- ???: DID SOMEONE SAY WISHES? What appears to be a blue Air Elemental fizzles out of the magical lamp with all kinds of magical explosions. Djinny gets a top hat and cane. Djinny: WHATCHAOW! Djinny: IT'S TIME FOR A MUSICAL NUMBER! <Character>: No... No! NOOOOO! Djinny: You ain't NEVER- Everything just stops. <Character>: ... Ash: ... <Dragon_Name>: ... <Dragon_Name>: Ain't never what? Djinny: Some interdimensional beast doesn't want me to sing my song... Djinny: Pourquoi? Djinny: POURQUOI?! Complete Quest Loot Shop quote: Eternal Aww, maybe Iago wasn't so bad. He left this present for you outside the Cave of Wanders! Rarity: 50 Item Type: Dagger Attack Type: Pierce Category: Weapon Equip Spot: Weapon

Faerdin -> RE: Faerdin's Fount of Facepalm (8/29/2014 21:56:12)
Wandering Out Location: ? Level/Quest/Items required: ? Objective: What are you reading quest objectives for? RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Objective completed: Badum tch Scaled Yes/No: Yes Monsters (17) Sand Elf Mummy (1) Cave of Wanders - Boss NPCs Ash DragonBlade Cave of Wanders Djinny Iago Rewards ? Dialogue Ash: That was... a weird day. Quest! <Character>: So let me get this straight. <Character>: You're a djinn. The Hero is now surrounded by what resembles the gameplay interface of Who Wants To Be a Millionare? with "Djinn" highlighted. The other answers are "Chickencow," "Bear," and "Akanthus." Djinny: Is that your final answer? <Character>: Stop that! <Character>: And this Iago guy wants you for some reason... <Dragon_Name>: But why? Djinny: I'll tell you why! You released me from the lamp. Djinny: For that, I owe you three wishes. <Character>: Oh. That wasn't me. It was him. Djinny turns to Ash. Djinny: Right, RIGHT! Of course it was! Djinny: What's your name, my man? Ash: Ash. Ash Dragonblade. Djinny: I'm calling you Ashykins! Djinny: Here you go, Ashykins. All the rules and stipulations regarding wish fulfillment. Read up! A massive textbook that says "Da Rulez" written on it crushes Ash. Ash: MMMMMMMMMMFFFFF! Djinny: I love you too, little guy! While Ash and Djinny talk, the Hero looks more closely at the craftsmanship of the wall. Djinny: I mean, not like that. I'm a super macho man, but you know... <Dragon_Name>: It's familiar to you too, isn't it? <Character>: Yeah... As though we had been here before. But we haven't. The Hero touches the wall and the earth shakes. Cave of Wanders: TRAITOR! OATH-BREAKER! <Character>: Ohhh. So when you meant "touch nothing but the lamp," you meant... <Character>: You meant "touch nothing but the lamp." <Dragon_Name>: Shouldn't we have gotten in trouble for touching the floor? Cave of Wanders: ER... SHUT UP! RAGGHH! The entire cave quakes again, but isn't stopping this time. <Character>: We have to get out of here! NOW! Ash picks the lamp back up and follows the Hero and their dragon out of the room. Cave of Wanders: YOU WILL ROT IN THESE HALLS FOR ETERNITY! The entrance to the Cave of Wanders is closing like the maw of a giant beast. <Character>: It's closing... We're not going to make it! <Character>: Ash, if this is how we die, so help me! Ash fumbles for the lamp and rubs it. Djinny is released while sitting on a toilet. Djinny: Just about the worst possible timing, kid. Ash: Djinny, I wish the entrance wouldn't shut! Djinny: You and me both. Oh, OH! A wish! Hold onto your hats, kids! Djinny flies under the closing entrance in rich, purple attire, flashily posing before grasping the closing maw and pulling it open. <Dragon_Name>: I... <Character>: Why couldn't you wish us ten miles from here, Ash? Ash: I'd like to see you do better. Come on, let's go! Ash and the others run out the entrance when the Cave of Wanders snaps shut on Djinny mid-bow. Cave of Wanders: YOU WILL ALL PERISH! Summon Dragon! Fight Cave of Wanders The Cave of Wanders collapses and falls into a huge pile of sand. Djinny pops up a moment later. Djinny: Well. Djinny: If that wasn't the cat's meow... Elsewhere... Iago: My lord... I swear, I shall not fail you. Complete Quest Loot Shop

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