|
vamplycan -> RE: =AQ= War of the Fangs: Evolution! War Stories and Poems Commentary (3/14/2014 21:46:01)
|
I am only reviewing those who have stated that they are finished.
@Battlemaster- WARNING!!!! INTENSE SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!
Prologue: Very nice, a good balance between dialog and action and keeping the pace at a brisk speed was a good choice. These are short stories, so conveying what you want in a small amount of time is key. I think you've done that here. Using the prologue to establish the background relationship between the protagonist, antagonist and to set up the later event is convenient, but giving the character a more subtle depth rather than focusing the story on his death might have had a greater effect on later events. This gave away your central focus, and I think allowed the reader to ruminate on important events. The most important of which is "Is his brother really dead?" I understand the story is based on the character growth of Storm and actually very little to do with the war. I applaud this VERY much. Not making your character an integral part of the war shows just how much you care about creative writing. It was more about the character for you, and this makes me happy.
Chapter 1. My favorite part of this chapter was the description of Storm waking, and checking over the physiological changes, especially the hunch. The characters willingness to by pass any uncomfortable feelings no matter how new, or ideas, or even moral dilemmas in the name of revenge is clearly shown. He is not even flinching or second guessing. There is only one goal, and it must be achieved, even if that means breaking werewolf traditions. Well done.
Chapter 2. The pace of this chapter is rapid, and brutal. It is the same for your fight scenes. EXCITEMENT is clearly the point of this chapter and you convey that well, including an ending that not leaves the reader's eyes continuing on in a fast scan even after they have gone past the cliff. Oh no! There was no space under my eyes and they fell in wonder.
Chapter 3. The torture scene is very brave. You didn't go to far, I think. I don't know exactly where these forums draw the line, and so it was nice to see another writer pushing the limits. The reveal afterward, I had guessed, but I've read many stories, and many of them use this twist. Again, I felt it was made a little obvious due to the focus on it in the prologue, but perhaps that isn't fair. Really a matter of opinion, but what in writing isn't save for grammar? (Of which I will not correct. I don't really care.)
Chapter 4. Really important character development, especially if you plan on carrying these characters into other stories. You said early, I believe, that you were trying to tone it down after the brutality of your last chapters. I think this was good placement, because it made sense plot wise and flowed perfectly. I don't think you should ever worry about manipulating the readers emotions too much. That is what a writer aspires to do. Take me as far as you can.
Chapter 5. The werewolf had more mercy than the vampire. Perhaps this is fitting. Vampires are cold with lack of emotion they are undead, while werewolves are filled with emotion, enough sometimes to drive them wild. I liked this chapter, though I did think that the fight with Victor was rushed into.
Epilogue: I begin to think here that the character is not just determined, nor was he solely drove by revenge at the start. His refusal to heal his arm, and even to rationalize why seems more stubborn than anything. Yet, he isn't so stubborn as to deny the help of his brother to put the gauntlet on. Not too prideful. A nice complex character, and you ended on another cliffhanger, but... there will not be more?
P.S. I do believe that if the house is abandoned it is fair game. If it did have a lingering threshold it would have been that of his own family's house, so seeing as he's already been inside and has had the invitation (even if before his transformation) he'll probably be A OK. Either way some interpretations say that vampires can enter they are just powerless inside.
|
|
|
|
