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Master Samak -> RE: In the past Discussion (7/31/2014 13:59:35)
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Hi, Jaden! I'll jump on with Dwelling Dragonlord to offer some checks of my own, if that's okay. And don't forget to give yourself a (DF) tag to this story!
1.quote:
It was located in the residential district, same as his, albeit closer to the market, which was probably the reason he had been able to catch Jaden so easily, as the market had been where Jaden's transaction with the Family had occurred. I would suggest changing this "he" to Emerus. There are already a few "he"s" and a "his", talking about Jaden, so I immediately assumed that bold "he" was referring to Jaden. Having the proper name will clarify.
2.quote:
It had been two days since his mother had agreed to let Emerus become his tutor, but he still hadn't had enough time to quell any fears he had about this day. Consider removing this "he had". There are already a lot of "had"s in this sentence, and the idea still makes sense with the bold words removed. Simplicity has power.
3.quote:
Sighing, Jaden resigned himself to whatever horrors awaited ahead. The definition of "awaited" suggests something in the future, imminent, or ahead. Having that "ahead" in there, then is somewhat repetitive or redundant. It might be better to remove it.
4.quote:
His hair was unkempt , and stubble coated his chin. There's just a space between "unkempt" and the comma, where there shouldn't be. :)
5.quote:
"Come in." He said irritably, ushering Jaden inside.
"Wait here." Said Emerus, before turning and walking into an adjacent room.
"Sit." He said.
"If that amulet falls into the hands of those who know its power, your safety will be the least of everyone's worries." Intoned Emerus in a sharp voice.
"It's your fault that such measures need to be taken in the first place!" The older man said fiercely
"Judging from the awestruck look on your face, I'm guessing you have." Emerus said dryly.
"...Having connection to a Dragon would certainly be desirable to them." Emerus mused. Something to note. When immediately describing the person saying the quoted dialogue, the sentence in the dialogue does not end with a period/full stop, but with a comma. You then put the end quotation marks, and after that the following word begins in lowercase. The entire phrase should be seen as one big sentence, you know?
So the first quote should be "Come in," he said irritably..." and the same [comma, end quotes, and lowercase word] format with most remaining quotes.
The exception is that if the dialogue ends with a ? or ! punctuation mark, then it does not need to be changed to a comma. Only the full stop/period. The second exception is that the word following the quoted dialogue may remain capitalized only if it is a word that is on its own already capitalized, such as the name Emerus. Please let me know if this made sense.
6.quote:
Jaden's insides froe. As Dwelling Dragonlord said, it needs a "z" for "froze".
7.quote:
His ever present frown deepened.
Emerus' ever present frown deepened. I'm not sure if this is incorrect, but something about it stood out to me. I've more often seen "ever present" as "ever-present", with a hyphen. Especially because it's an adjective about to describe the "frown", it makes sense to hyphenate the two words together. Let me know what you think.
8.quote:
Their deeds were rumored to rival the guardians themselves! I believe this ought to be capitalized, since you're talking about the actual order of the Guardians. It has the same standing as the Dragonlords (also capitalized) so it should carry the same proper noun weight.
9.quote:
In fact, it, and others like it are the source of a Dragonlord's connection with his or her Dragon. It looks like you tried to make a parenthetical comma in this sentence. The parenthetical part is "and others like it". In parenthetical comma use two commas are needed, one before and one after the parenthetical part. If you want to have this, then you should put a comma after "and others like it". Or, you could also do without it and remove the bold comma after the first "it". The sentence still makes sense because the intended parenthesis subject is so similar to the original subject.
10.quote:
These individuals, for they do exist, are referred to as Dragon masters. In the DragonFable game, they refer to this class as "Dragonmasters" (one word). Just like "Dragonlords" is one word.
11.quote:
Don't you have to be able to to be a Dragonlord, or master?" One too many "to"s in this sentence. :)
12.quote:
While they would benefit from it's power, I doubt that they know of it's properties.
We need to be sure that the priesthood are the ones that purchased the amulet, or if the Family knows of it's power and intends to use it. Remember that "it's" is a contraction that means "it is". Having "it is" doesn't make sense in these two sentences. The word "its" (without the apostrophe) should be here, because it describes the possessive form of "properties" and "power".
[Critique Complete]
Well, there you go, Jaden! An intriguing story chapter. I will have to read the whole story sometime, which is why I didn't have much to ask about plot-wise. Be sure to look at these and Dwelling Dragonlord's notes and apply them to your previous chapters, keep an eye out for the possibility to add detail while keeping the story flow simple, and please let me know if you have any questions. Keep it up! :)
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