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afb728 -> RE: A Hero's Tale (Disscssion) (8/16/2014 13:43:23)
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Soooo many commas. Just, so many.
Okay, so you gave some information about Harry's family, but a lot of it is incomplete. Like, does Max have any bearing on the story? I feel like you cut off his part.
I'm going to replace commas with periods.
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... child was born .
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... fighting skills since his very childhood.
Also,
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meeting their his friend To meet his friend.
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countless Countless what?
I don't want to only be focusing on grammar, because that's not really a fair thing to attack you on. There is more to a story than grammar.
You gave some background information on the parents and the Brother, gave us an age for Harry (Although we don't know how old Rolith is during this story. Nevermind, Rolith's 13, I guess.) You set up the next chapter, and we know what the end result of the story is (he's going to save the world.) So you did convey a lot of information, but, as a reader, I want more (elaborate, please), especially if this is an introduction to the story.
I'm interested in reading the next chapter to see where this goes, because, plot-wise, it's not a bad start.
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