Sparsed Dialogue? (Full Version)

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TJByrum -> Sparsed Dialogue? (11/30/2014 18:16:23)

quote:

"Hmp! Hnt! Argh!" With a final shove the great oak collapsed across the river, forming a makeshift bridge. "Come one," a shaggy-haired warrior began, "up and over." A young girl, no older than twelve, climbed up onto the fallen oak and began to make her way across. "Steady there, girl," the warrior told her, "I don't want to jump in that water to rescue you." The warrior climbed up on the tree next and made his way across.

"I," began the girl as she playfully trotted along the tree, "have had a lot of practice." She reached the other side and hopped onto solid ground.

"Good to hear," the warrior played along, "perhaps you could sneak across the King's rafters when we get back, steal me a bit of coin, eh?"

"Never! I am no thief!"

"Ahaha," the warrior laughed as he hopped off the tree, "Am I suppose to believe someone gave you those daggers you're hiding in your boot?" The warrior began down the main road towards a small cabin. "Now come on, the oarsman lives just ahead."

"What? How did you... I didn't steal them, I... Someone misplaced them... in my boots... right after we left."

"Whatever you say, girl," the warrior finished. The girl slid the daggers out from her boot and tucked them into her belt; no need to hide them since her captor already knew about them. "You know, you're not a very good kidnapper."

"Is that so? Please then, inform me on how to kidnap little brats like yourself." The warrior could see the oarsman as he approached the cabin. He was sitting by the river cleaning some fish no doubt. There was a tanning rack, a dock, some tables, chairs, and a barely-lit fireplace surrounding his cabin.

"Well first I would have bound my wrists with some rope. And I'd have taken the daggers soon as I saw them! And then... then I'd keep myself tied up to a tree at night, so I could not run away."

"Run away? Where would you run? You'd be beaten and exploited by the vagabonds if the wolves didn't eat you first."

"Would not!"

"Would too," the warrior exclaimed. "Now keep it down. Hello there," the warrior called out to the oarsman. "I'm seeking passage to Blackwater, can you get us there?"


Would you say this dialogue is 'too sparsed'? It seems to me that when I write my conversations end up looking like a bunch of one-lined sentences. Is this normal, or are there 'professional tricks' that make it look better?




Eukara Vox -> RE: Sparsed Dialogue? (11/30/2014 20:46:49)

Well, the biggest thing I see is that... all you are doing is writing dialogue. Where is the action, movement, senses while the dialogue is going on? When you have a conversation with someone, do you stand there like a robot and speak? DO you have intonation, voice changing, volume changes? Do you move, talk with your hands, make indications with body language, change facial expressions?

My BIGGEST pet peeve with dialogue writers is plain writing or spares action within the conversation. You have physical movements, but based on what you posted, I don't know anything about the characters as expressive people. Part of dialogue is all about character development. If aren't elaborating on their character and personality while the conversation is happening, you are missing out on a great opportunity to character build.




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