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Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (AQ) The epic of Paul The First (11/30/2016 9:19:54)
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quote:
Paul started <> poor farmer in the kingdom of Rend who lived in small farming community who found life very boring but quite stable.
out as a, Rennd, <You are repeating yourself here, alternating makes for a more enjoyable read>
quote:
Then one night everything changed <> a nest <> vampires who ran from Darkovia found the the small community and attacked.
when, coming
quote:
The villager including Paul knew how to fight since they had to protect their crops from all kinds of beasts and managed to put a good fight at first Paul himself managed to slay about 4 vampires but the nest was big and for every vampire slain 4 took its place he knew right then that this was the end of him and the community but in that moment he felt more alive then ever and griped his sword and with a smile on his face and with a feeling of happiness he went on the attack and managed to slay 7 more vampires and hurt a lot more of them slashing and trusting trough them like crazy.
villagers, than, gripped, offensive, through
I would personally recommend chopping this sentence up as it feels very long.
quote:
The vampire nest felt threatened and was even pushed back by the ferocity Paul had <> until the nest leader made his appearance and in that moment Paul saw him he attacked but this was not a average vampire this was a vampire lord who with lighting flash speed grabbed the neck of the young farmer strangling him and hitting the ground with him.
displayed/shown, the, an, lightning
I take it for the last part you mean to say that he was hitting "him against the ground"?
quote:
After half of hour of being beaten mercilessly the Vampire lord showed Paul the dead and drained bodies of his neighbors and then with one more hit on the ground Paul lost conscience.
an, against
quote:
A couple of hours later Paul woke up beaten and injured but alive<> for some reason the vampire lord spared him, a mistake he said to himself, the vampire will pay for this later as the injured former farmer raised himself up took his remaining possessions and went in the direction of Battleon<> the city of adventures<> and the best place for him to improve his skills.
<I would end the sentence here.>, gathering, ",", "," (Not sure if that is clear, but I mean that for the last two <> places to use a comma.
In terms of story, where exactly do you imagine this village to be located? I am asking because the lay of the land in AdventureQuest is vaguely understood at best when it comes to the Western Expanse and perhaps there is room for an explanation as to why Paul would make such a dangerous journey as opposed to trying to join the Pria Knights?
So let me know if you found this feedback to be helpful.
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