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Azan -> RE: fanfiction (4/25/2015 18:08:13)
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First of all, you definitely have a good starting point here. Your little introduction for context is good, I understood the situation immediately.
The first suggestion I would give is: put capital letters and punctuation where needed. It makes a story much more easy to read, and the easier it is, the more enjoyable! In dialogs, you could also bold the NPC's name. It's a bit long to do, yes, but it makes a clear distinction between the NPC's name and what they're saying.
I noticed a small mistake you made: for his first line of dialog, you named Lazarus "Lazurus".
As for the story itself, I like it so far. The way Ash and Aria act seems very credible to me. Looking forward to see what you write next and who this Lazarus person is, who he/she comes from and what sort of powers he/she has!
Keep writing! It's a good beginning you have![:)]
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