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Dragonman -> RE: =DF= Friday the 13th - Weal War Stories and Poetry (5/14/2016 21:49:56)
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The Daily Dragon Day 1:
Welcome to Lore News Network's The Daily Dragon
I'm your host Dragonman here with live coverage of the recent attacks in Falconreach. It seems that Baron Jaysun Valtrith has sent upwards of 3.5 million undead to attack Falconreach. It seems that this is all the fault of former mayor, Rayf Drayson, as he accidentally left the gate open probably. Drayson commented, saying "Dragonman, give it up, I'm not even the mayor anymore you can't possibly pin the blame on me this time." But this is obviously factually incorrect as I just did pin the blame on him so that brings us to our breaking news.
Rayf Drayson is secretly the mayor???
Indeed it seems like Landis Waen is merely a puppet controlled by Drayson, as he could not run for reelection due to term limits. So he had Landis Waen, a wealthy businessman who profited under Drayson's reign, who disappears for days on end, claiming to be sick, shows up with random injuries, and refuses to do anything about vigilantes roaming the city at night, such as Batoro, or San Robin. It seems obvious that Waen cares little about his duties as mayor, because he makes no real decisions! He is obviously bullied by criminals like Batoro into submitting to Drayson, the de facto mayor of Falconreach.
Case in point, while doing some investigative reporting, I saw none other than Batoro exiting Waen Manor, after Waen had entered hours previously! The next day, I saw Waen at his office, nursing bruises and a broken rib.
Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for poor Waen, but do we really need someone so easily manipulated as mayor? And don't get me started on the other candidates running, Burny Sandstone, Ronald Tromp and Skellery Clinton, they are all just as easily manipulated by villains like Drayson and Batoro, and maybe even Valtrith or the Rose?
I'm not pointing any fingers, but one of those candidates is a Skeleton, which are as we know easily manipulated by Valtrith's necromancer buddies. Another seems to be far too pro Rose for me. And the third is an insane pyromaniac who literally said in a speach last night "If I am elected mayor I will require that everyone feels the burn of the third degree. Literally. I'm going to burn your houses down."
Obviously this will not do, which is why I am officially for real this time announcing my candidacy as Mayor of Falconreach for the second time this election.
Remember, a vote for Dragonman, is a vote against undead invasions, and Rose slavery.
And burning people's houses down.
Day 2:
Hello I'm Dragonman and welcome to The Daily Dragon.
Today I'm going to respond to some viewer complaints
One anonymous viewer has sent in this
quote:
Dragonman, why do you just make things up and not report the real facts that matter like where all these undead are coming from and how many there are?
Well the answer to that question is simple, because we had a breaking story yesterday that was obviously more relevant than this minor invasion that seems to be a complete failure on the undead's part.
But just a recap for anyone that wants it, or is not in the know. These undead were sent in by Baron Jaysun Valtrith an evil leader who was revived using artifacts of many villains including Sepulchure, Aisha the Ice Dragon Queen, and Mayor Rayf Drayson. These artifacts could have been clothing, items, or body parts (yeech). This happened on the 13th Friday the 13th invasion. Since then, Valtrith has attacked on fridays the thirteenths attempting to invade Falconreach to humiliate the Hero, a prominent figure in the politics of Greenguard and especially Falconreach. (They have deposed a lot of sovereign leaders and such). Today Valtrith and his henchweapon Caitiff are continuing this tradition.
There are approximately 22,750,000 undead and 5,250,000 living cultists attacking the city. This number is approximating 6 undead and 2 cultists per wave, the attacking unit, and considering the fact that 1 in 4 cultists are undead.
The reason we don't do reports like this all the time is because it's not as exciting.
Now to Sir Baumbard, our eye in the sky, to tell us about the troop movements!
Thanks... uggh.. D ragonman. Clear HURK skies today, and as you can see the undead areBARF coming from everydirection... but more seem to be... urrgh on the east. Back to you...
Umm.. thank you.
In other news, Landis Waen has still refused to issue a statement about being bullied by Batoro and other criminals, despite more media attention. It is expected he will release a statement tomorrow.
Day 3:
Hi I'm Dragonman, welcome to the Daily Dragon!
Today Mayor Waen has commented on Batorogate. He is quoted saying: quote:
I have never been bullied by any hero, vigilante, or villain. The claims that Batoro has entered my home are, as far as I know completely fictional, and unsubstantiated, I challenge Dragonman to prove these accusations. I have never even met any vigilantes!
Well seeing as I have already displayed convincing proof, it is obvious Waen is hiding something! He is obviously in league with Batoro.
Perhaps Waen is another vigilante?
That's right, you all know what I am saying, Landis Waen, our mayor is none other than...
SAN ROBIN!?!?
Think about it, it makes sense, ass Mayor, Waen is the head honcho of Falconreach. Or you could say, the big cheese! San Robin likes cheese! It's all confirmed! Need more proof? San Robin wears a mask so nobody recognizes his face, and Waen's face is one of the most recognizable in the city. Furthermore, San Robin and Waen have never been in the same room, isn't that odd considering how much San Robin gets around? Waen admits to never having met San Robin.
In response to this revelation I have mayoral candidate Burny Sandstone here today to make a few comments, what do you think Burny?
"I think we should melt the big cheese with fire after I burn down this studio HAHAHAHAHA!
Umm.. looks like I have a fire to fight, so I'll cut the broadcast short! Good warring everybody!
Day 4:
Welcome to today's edition of The Daily Dragon!
Today we chronicle a story of great intrigue, corruption, reaching all the way up to swordhaven.
Is the Daily Dragon secretly Rose propaganda? This is a question I was asking myself earlier today, when I received a tip from my friend, David the Wanderer, when he said quote:
Pft, the Daily Dragon has become bunch of Rose-approved propaganda.
As someone heavily related with the media conglomerate I was surprised, shocked even. After this city betrayed me for Waen, could the news have finally left me in a gutter, to rot, and is now at the Rose's beck and call.
I immediately called for the resignation of the owner.
I then realized I was the owner. Furthermore, I know myself very well, and I hate the Rose. I've taken at least 2 unfair stabs at them in the past couple days. Just like those two timing jerks stab puppies! Make that 3 unfair stabs. Anyway, I will admit that there is a slight amount of bias in the Daily Dragon, but it leans the opposite way.
Another friend, known as Caststarter reined me back in. Where was the proof? Was David just being slanderous?
David claims this is chronicled in Loremaster Maya's new book Ink and Thorns.
This was very shocking until two things were realized, neither Caststarter nor had heard of such a book, and Loremaster Maya lives in Oaklore Keep, a Rose stronghold. Was this all a ruse? Or am I secretly taking money from the Rose behind my own back?
I knew what the answer had to be, Former Mayor, Rayf Drayson, had set up this entire scheme. It was all so obvious, make it look like I was taking money from the Rose to discredit me in my own eyes. I could never support myself for Mayor if I supported the Rose. I hate the Rose. Without my biggest campaigner (and rumors say deputy mayor?) I would have to drop out of the election to prevent another humiliating defeat. Even though Drayson gains nothing, he hates me, so that was proof enough.
But then we saw a white haired, gray masked, black cloaked figure fleeing from the room happy with himself. We thought, what if this is all a cloak to distract us from the truth? It must be.
The real villain just planned to distract us all for so long. Who could the villain be?
Masks, made me initially think of San Robin, but that would be too obvious, he obviously wants revenge for me pointing out his secret identity as Mayor Waen the other day.
No, this has to be someone else behind the plot. If not Waen, Drayson, the Rose or I, who could make this ruse? Who stands to gain the most? Not Ronald Tromp, he's the Rose candidate. Without me Burny Sandstone wouldn't have anyone reporting on him so it isn't him. And Skellery Clinton is to boneheaded to come up with such a plan. So it is not a political rival.
It was then obvious to me who the real culprit was. A man I've been trying to fight, that gains much from me getting distracted. A masked enemy, lurking in the shadows. A member of the royalty, come back to life through unholy means. Yes, it must be Baron Jayson Valtrith! Either him or Sek-Duat, but I'm 60% sure it's Valtrith.
So basically, to recap the news for today is I wasted a lot of time and basically discovered nothing!
And now for a word from our sponsor:
*NOTE* in the original post, my signature went right here. It's a campaign ad for myself, so it was very clever and funny.z
Day 5
My name is Dragonman, and welcome to the Daily Dragon.
A year ago over 10 million documents have been leaked to journalists working for the Falconnest times. These documents have been read over by journalists from hundreds of media sources including the Daily Dragon. The results are shocking to say the least! Many prominent figures throughout the Lore have been implicated in laundering money through offshore companies in Ovungu Zoyo. The Mootoplian law firm Moocluck Fonsegga deeply involved in all of this gold laundering, created these documents, some of which are over forty years old.
People implicated in this massive gold laundering scheme include Ronald Tromp, a candidate to the Falconreach mayoral office, Zadd, the prominent Rose Golemancer, and even Queen Aisha of the Ice Dragons. Baron Valtrith has also been implicated, but when asked to comment he denied all allegations, claiming that he doesn't need to launder money, since he's kinda the more murdery kind of villain instead of the sneaky tax-evade kind.
In other news, Falconreach teachers are on strike, protesting the recent decision to cut down some funding to the schools in the city, in order to use that money to help pay for more defense to Falconreach. The teachers claim that they should be payed a living wage, and this wage is anything but, when all the unpaid overtime that comes with teaching is taken into account. Waen defends this as a necessary evil, claiming Falconreach is really a sitting duck, and without national funding due to Falconreach holding out on becoming a Rose city, the Falconreach guardians have it harder than ever to defend the city from undead invasions. My opinion is the money should be taken elsewhere as school funding is just as necessary for the city's continued survival as defense, but I'm not mayor yet.
Day 6:
Hello I'm Dragonman and welcome to The Daily Dragon.
Today we have received reports that all the minor candidates that I haven't been talking about have dropped out of the Race for mayor, while this comes as no surprise for most of the candidates, it is kind of shock when talking about Ned Lose, a candidate who has never once dropped out of the race before, and has consistently gotten no votes for forty years despite running for every position in the past forty years.
Ned is quoted saying "I'm done. I just don't think I can take it anymore, so I'm just going to go home and enjoy the next couple months instead of losing again"
The word lose actually comes from Ned Lose's great-great-great-great grandfather Elmer Buckingham Lose III, who famously lost a fistfight against a rabbit. It has since expanded to mean many things, but originally it meant, failure to win a competition of fisticuffs against an easy opponent.
Elmer Buckingham Lose III could not be reached for comment.
Day 7:
Hello, I'm Dragonman and welcome to the Daily Dragon. I'd like to apologize for our broadcast being delayed. Our special guest star caused some complications. Today we have a very special interview with Caitiff, a doom weapon that has possessed the body of Serenity the innkeeper and a prominent minion of Baron Valtrith. I would like to note that this entire interview was done behind cover, and while evading deadly lasers, and that Caitiffs arm appears to be glowing, which is not something I had heard in previous descriptions of it. Without further ado the interview. My voice will be bolded as normal, Caitiff will be normal, and my comments will be in italics
quote:
Hello, my name is Dragonman, I'm a reporter from the Daily Dragon do you have a moment to answer a few of questions?
Do you have time to die?
No, but I'll take your answer as a yes anyway. Why are you...
At this point I dodged a laser and almost ran into a tree which caught fire.
...so intent on killing people?
It's fun.
What is your opinion on the Rose
It will wilt and die like any plucked flower.
I had to put out a fire on my tail at this point, and almost got lasered, but rolled out of the way, and sprayed Caitiff with my extinguisher.
Who do you support for Mayor of Falconreach?
What?
This is the kind of question my viewers want answered. Also if you know who your master would vote for, were he a citizen, I would be very interested in that too.
Are you serious, I'm trying to kill you and you are asking my political opinions? Probably Skellery Clinton, she is a skeleton and therefore easily controlled.
And what is your opinion of Mayor Landis Waen secretly being San Robin
I don't care about that at all...
At this point I was severely injured. Emotionally. Knowing people don't appreciate my investigative reporting is hurtful.
Plus that doesn't even make sense, San Robin is blonde.
Do you have anything to say to the people of Falconreach
Die
Will you please cooperate, what was it like being trapped in an axe?
Boring.
Interesting. One more question, does one spirit or two live in the Twin Blades of Doom?
I forgot.
Are all doom weapons this boring or are you just an exceptionally uninteresting one? You haven't even tried to laser me for a while
I never got an answer to that question, as it tried to laser me and I ran away
Overall I think this was a very important interview that tells us a lot about the day in the life of an evil darkness spirit that is too immature to answer questions.
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