Fleur Du Mal
Member
|
Hiyas! Since you've waited for quite a long time already, I thought I'd post the first part of my critique for your workshop request for you to read while I'm still typing stuff for the rest of the poems.
So, here's the response for your request in the workshop, part 1, first six poems:
I Hear the World Singing
Whenever I see the words 'hear' and 'sing' in a poem title, the 'Do you hear the people sing' from Les Miserables starts to instantly play in my head. Odd, eh?
Imo, there's solemn regality in this poem, and the slow stride of it makes it very peaceful to read. When I found a little problematic here was that I didn't quite get why were the people singing and what exactly determined the joys and sorrows in the song? Where is the link between what the people own:
quote:
Singing what is his or hers.
and the song filling with sorrow and joy:
quote:
The song is filled with joy and sorrow,
As the origin of these feelings is left out, it feels a very distancing element in the poem and moves me away from it as a reader. Maybe you could tell us where do the joys and sorrows come to the song?
Cat
Due to the contents and setting (human -cat interaction and the nature of a cat), this poem reminds me of some classical poems of cats such as Tolkien's 'Cat' or 'Pangur Bán' by an Irish Monk from the 8th century. Then again, the first two lines of the first stanza reminded me of Elnaith's poem, ' Scene' on these forums. Funny how one poem may connect into several others in the reader's head, don't you think?
Imo, this is a very cosy poem, actually, despite all the pincushioning. I definitely like it, but then again I might be biased since it's about a cat. =P What baffles me here is why you have the quotation marks around only one sentence when all the rest of the poem is directed at the cat. Should all of it be in quotation marks or in italics as a thought?
Another minor thing would be two missing or deliberately left-out articles. For me, both of these would work as well with the grammatically correct articles in there:
quote:
Like a spring uncoiled he pounces
quote:
For yours is served in a plastic bowl.
Time
Hmm, I like the rhymes here, they feel quite natural and not overwhelming, with almost of a sneaky-quality, hiding in every other line and the other lines going without. The ending is a bit peculiar to me, and I /know/ I'm nitpicking now, but I'm not sure if the thought I read from there was the thought you wanted to portray. You see, in the last stanza:
quote:
That if we were to die right now,
And leave this world today,
We would have no regrets nor doubts,
And nothing left to say.
I come in with the idea that the regrets would be about holding something in and not saying it, yet the last line seems more pessimistic than that, as if the life wasn't fullest, because how could one live without regrets and doubts and if then died suddenly, he would have nothing left to say?
I don't know, but purrhaps you meant that there would be 'no words unsaid', which slightly differs from the tone that 'nothing left to say' has, although at a quick glance they look the same. I fear I must be making no sense to you at this point...
Let me put it this way: 'I have nothing left to say' is something my mind puts in a mouth of someone who is so done with someone else that they need not to speak to them anymore. On the other hand, 'I'll leave nothing unsaid' would describe someone so open they hide nothing.
Unfortunately, 'and leave nothing unsaid' wrecks the rhyme. But maybe, you'll see what I mean about the last line now, and how it, in my head (it may be the only head where this is happening, I'm aware of that, lol), is in contradiction with what the poem otherwise is delivering.
Going nitpicky on articles as well, I wonder why there's a definite article in
quote:
In the blink of an eye, it seems.
Why is it 'the' blink? I'd go with the regular 'in a blink of an eye' here, personally.
Writer’s Block
This one I already commented. I read your answer about the shifting pronoun, and I do see your point. Imo, it's a fine poem, indeed and I do appreciate the fact that if the title would be taken out or shifted to something less definite, the poem could describe also other contradictions within oneself, and not 'just' a writer's block. =)
A Tree Falls
I have a question here, (again, surprise!) what are you referring to with the 'impossibility'? Surely not to the situation of a tree falling? Now my personal view on arguing such a matter are guiding me to think that maybe you were going for the word 'an irrelevancy'? This impression on me is further enhanced by the lines:
quote:
One that has been argued and re-argued
Debated and re-debated.
because with my presumptions on the matter I see these two lines just illustrating the futility of such a discussion. I do understand that this is just because of my personal take on philosophical questions like this one, so I do understand if your interpretation for this poem is different.
Blessed Escape
Lovely imagery in this poem, I like the words 'engulfing', 'myriad', the imagery of seeing through glasses, etc. Some might argue that you could use other words for describing colour instead of repeating the words blue and green, for example, you could have 'azure fish' and 'emerald coral', but for me it works both ways. I'm just typing this out, in case you hadn't considered that yet. Anyways, I find this to be a peaceful and beautiful piece with room for interpretation: either escapist, someone taking a break from the havoc, purrhaps depicting a child hiding from the raging wars around him in an imaginary world or someone committing suicide.
EDIT: Editing in comments for three more poems, so that this has now the comments for 9/18 poems and is officially the part 1/2 of the requested critique:
Seasons of Life
I do enjoy the relaxed pace of the poem and how the seasons and stages of life are contrasted with breaking them down in similar lines, each word on its own.
Having read a bunch of Japanese poetry, where seasons are especially often used as metaphors for the stages of life, I did have the thought that maybe your poem would need an extra something to add to its theme. Because only comparing the stages and seasons is for a reader like me something I'm in a too familiar territory with. I like to be surprised by what I read, connect to it, think differently,and so forth. Maybe the key is in the questions you have already included in the end:
quote:
Sometimes I wonder:
Which will end first?
Why would the seasons or the cycle of life end? That would be something out of the box, imho. Please do remember that this is just my personal view on the poem, though.
Sleeping Dragon
A poem with lovely imagery and a sense of mystery. I like the rhyming as well, this is worded nicely and flowingly. =)
Yet I'd wish for more elaboration on the content itself, what does the dragon do in the forest, why is she more dead than alive and what would happen if she left? Would the world burn or would the forest die?
Sometimes, presenting a mystery is a tricky thing as giving too much makes the reader lazy as they don't have to interpret it themselves and giving out too little may leave them too confused to be able to interpret it. I feel a bit left in the dark with this, I guess that's what I'm trying to say. But, as with all of your poems, it's completely for you to decide what you want to disclose.
Birdsong
A completely adorable short poem. =) I love how you have managed to portray the sound through imagery in words. Especially the line:
quote:
Released upon the wind by upturned throat.
just nails it.
My only nitpicking would again be about articles: I'd personally include the indefinite 'an' into the line quoted above -> 'Released upon the wind by an upturned throat.'
Not finished with the request yet, to state the obvious. =P More to come in a separate post =)
EDIT2: Just to let you know, I'll have the other post ready for you tomorrow/Friday as I only have the comments for four more poems to go through and type out.
< Message edited by fabula -- 12/30/2009 18:24:24 >
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
