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8/11/2010 1:30:41   
Ragsrun
DF Artist


 Possibly if I ever decide to show any stories of mine, then I'll also add that into this thread...but otherwise, it's all poetry for now. Hopefully I did all of the set procedures correctly though. *small apologetic smile*

So, feel free to say what you want in here! I've already had tons of other people kill rate me for what I write, so hopefully by this point in time, I won't be able degrade myself any further by just having a bit more criticism here and there. ^-'

Edit: ...wow, ain't I just a lovely blockhead? Gratitude to Shreder for pointing this one out, here is the link to the poetry thread.

< Message edited by Tybira -- 3/24/2011 6:16:19 >
DF  Post #: 1
8/11/2010 1:52:14   
Shreder
Member

Helly wyndaeru and welcome to L&L!

I have a few small thoughts and suggestions for you. First off, I'd recommend putting a link to your poetry thread here in your comments thread. You already have a link for comments in your poetry thread, but it's nice to have it linked both ways. And now on to the actual poetry:

Nameless:

I cannot say I know what you are writing about, but I can say that I liked the poem. You have an interesting style.

The End:

Again, I like the poem, but I have a couple small suggestions for you:

quote:

Eyes piercing the scene
With bright eyes


If you ask me, the repetition of eyes so close together makes these two lines seem a little bit dull. Perhaps try changing it to something like: "Eyes piercing the scene/With bright gaze" or something like that. Just a thought.

quote:

It disintegrated forever more


It would improve the flow here if you were to turn "forever more" into "forevermore". I just feel it rolls of the tongue better. Of course, both are correct, so do what you like.

And that's all I have for you. As I said earlier, your poetry has a distinct style and feel to it, and I look forward to reading more.
DF MQ  Post #: 2
8/11/2010 2:25:36   
Ragsrun
DF Artist


 Heh, such a warm welcome. Thanks. (:

Come to think of it, I never did put a link going the other way, did I?...I'll do that right away, sir!

Why...thank you! Somehow Nameless is rather popular among other people that I have worked with--and I haven't quite grasped why that might be--but your compliment is much appreciated! As for where the thought came from, it would have originally come from an anime and then from there to twist itself within my imaginings into a slightly different idea. I don't know why I thought of it in the first place, but it just glided into my head the day before a set of four poems were due to be presented orally.

*hides face* Ah whoops, I knew that there was something wrong in that draft of The End...unfortunately, I forgot to save the final copy, so a part or two might be a bit off. I'll have to check on that soon. Thank you for spotting that one out.
As for the 'forever more' comment, I have to agree that typing it out as one word would probably be the better choice since others will be reading the poem rather than hearing me say it aloud...I will put that suggestion to mind.

I'm glad that you liked the two of them overall though. And besides that, the criticism was helpful. *nod*

< Message edited by Tybira -- 3/24/2011 6:16:25 >
DF  Post #: 3
9/25/2010 5:38:23   
Ragsrun
DF Artist


 Somehow, I found a want to make some form of poetry just now...and extraordinarily, I managed to do it...more or less? I find it a bit rough, but I can always edit later, aye?

Mother and Father Dearests

...hrum...

< Message edited by Tybira -- 3/24/2011 6:16:31 >
DF  Post #: 4
9/29/2010 20:06:11   
Shreder
Member

I know I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but you really do have a unique style that I quite enjoy. :P

Anyways, I just have one small thing to mention:

quote:

Please, mum, dad. Don't take it away


Was that period intentional? Because not only is it the only one in the whole poem, but it also isn't grammatically correct where it is. Perhaps you meant to put another comma?

DF MQ  Post #: 5
11/1/2010 4:20:31   
Ragsrun
DF Artist


 Ahh, my good gracious pardons, Shreder, but I am terribly late on replying to your post and I actually killed that last one. I did not quite like how it turned out...but thank you for your kind words? *sweatdrop*

Uhm...*goes through my memory base*...yes. Yes, I think I did actually mean another comma there. *another sweatdrop* My typing skills are quite lacking, so recently I have been trying instant messengers as well as role-playing to step it up a bit. Not really the best method, I know, but my alternative is continuing a story that I have been planning out for a few years now. And frankly, I am half-stuck for ideas for it.

Thank you for coming back here though! And really, I do apologize for not coming here for so long--I have been busy with real life matters and such. ^^;;

Oh, something kind of creepy today too, but...mention that in the next section.


|~|~|


Okay, so, here's the deal this time:
I woke up on Halloween day and stared up at my ceiling with my ever nomadic mind.
I thought of (*insert ominous music*) Shreder and Soul Weavers.
By thinking of Soul Weavers, that thought then connected to another idea of mine, which is to create my own personal character's story. Just for fun, of course.
Without eating breakfast (but after washing my face), I made for my desk, contemplated a few other things, and then started hand-writing.
I liked the overall look (though the rhyming is painfully trying, and the style not what I am usually used to), so I transferred it to a Word document.
Now, I present it to the AE Forums.

Prologue

< Message edited by Tybira -- 3/24/2011 6:16:41 >
DF  Post #: 6
11/1/2010 9:41:41   
Shreder
Member

Heh, not a problem. Real life gets to everyone from time to time...

But anyways, you woke up and thought of me? That's...interesting. But on the topic of the poem itself, I do have a few suggestions:

quote:

A great flash cried and the victors howl,
“We’ve done it! We’ve done it! Oh, but what now?
The Sinlings are beaten, but their masters are still well!”


Firstly, in the first line I feel you should change "howl" to "howled", since the rest of the poem seems to be in past tense, and that one exception stands out like a sore thumb. Secondly, in the third line, I think it would flow better if you took out the "still". The meaning wouldn't change significantly, but the flow would improve.

quote:

Smiling and laughing with a malicious din.


I think this line could be improved in terms of flow by replacing the "with a" with "in".

quote:

As they simply kept on coming after.


Perhaps consider replacing "As they" with "And"?

quote:


Reluctantly, sobbing, she would pink herself up and obey,
But under her torn and bloody breath, she did say,


These two lines seems awkward. Personally I would re-write them something like this:

"Reluctantly, sobbing, she did up and obey
But under her bloody breath she did say,"

Note though, that if you choose to keep them the way they are, make sure you replace "pink" with "pick", at least, I assume that's what you meant...

Anyways, that's all I have for you at the moment.
DF MQ  Post #: 7
3/24/2011 6:00:19   
Ragsrun
DF Artist


 Oh grief--I am very sorry for not returning here sooner--again--Shreder. I've had some...incidents, let's say. And somehow, sliding back into my regular pace in these BattleOn Forums hasn't been working out nicely...

Uh, let's see. Yes, I admit I did think of you when I woke up. Not in a stalker-like way though, I promise you that. I am fairly certain it was more from guilt that I hadn't come here for so long. o_0

As for that particular writing...I knew I shouldn't have tried rhyming. Knew it. They always seem to turn out badly if I'm serious about them. Only the cute little children's fairy-tales I make jokingly in rhyme actually turn out well...
1) Come to think of it, I did write it mostly in past tense...yes, 'howled' would work better.
2) Yeah, I couldn't think of a better way to say the third line and still have good flow. I might have to sit on that for a while more...
3) Flow might be better with an 'in' rather than what I had...
4) Probably yes again...
5) Hn...I'm not too familiar with that sort of wording, but it does sound to me like it would work better. I guess I have to read more writing styles, or else experiment more with language.
6) ...yes. Yes, that is supposed to be 'pick'. I'm not sure why someone in this sort of situation would 'pink' themselves, whatever that might be, but that's on a tangent.

Thank you, Shreder. You've been very patient all this time. ><;

< Message edited by Tybira -- 3/24/2011 8:26:52 >
DF  Post #: 8
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