Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows
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Glad to hear of details. good, its easier to read, now if you don't mind I'll imitate nield...
quote:
It was a beutiful day in willowshire
beautiful
quote:
who had all of his ropes destroyed was famelic
might want to add a comma there
quote:
"There is no time "coughing up blood" please deliver this letter to the guardian tower"
either comma's or * around coughing up blood would be the grammatical thing (i think  )
quote:
Hmm it seems to be a sealed letter
comma after Hmm is usually used (adds emphases)
quote:
Hmm it seems to be a sealed letter, with the symbol of the guardians, I need to deliver this inmediately, but I can't leave this man here
forgot the quote marks, immediately
quote:
let him up
I think you mean leave him
tip in general: try to stay with one or two text sizes, it looks more professional
quote:
"So he was from willowshire, thought Bosterblader, well
quotes to end and re-start dialogue
quote:
non stop
picky grammar thing, non-stop is the correct form.
quote:
heroes", she said.
all periods, commas, etc. go in quotes (again, picky grammar thing) (this actually happens more than once, I'm too lazy to find them all)
quote:
"And who are you? if
all sentences are capitalized, even dialogue
quote:
"Well then Esmerald join us
sounds better like this: "Well, then, Esmerald join us ...
quote:
and a pint of beer?",
no need for that comma, (forget why, sorry)
quote:
she sitted in the ground.
sat on the ground.
quote:
and drinking they realaised that
realized
quote:
she and the heroes had accorded to continue in the morning
first, sentence is a run-on, second, accorded sounds weird there, might try decided
quote:
she in the other hand did go to the river to bathe
she on the other hand went to the river to bathe
quote:
Their chariot got a wheel broken and they had to stop to repair it, as soon as they got out of it, beggars and lepers started appearing to ask them for money, she was shocked, all of those people weren’t like her, some of them didn’t have meat in some parts of their bodies, one of them even said to them “Please kill me”, but was soon pushed aside by the guards.
Run on sentence! might try ending one after 'to ask them for money'
quote:
was strange like if he hided something,
was strange as though he were hiding something
quote:
soon a really elegant dressed man, but
might want to add 'appeared' because its a little confusing there.
quote:
Bosterblader managed to make him a small cut in the cheek,
might try 'managed to make a small cut on his cheek'
quote:
they where made
were
quote:
After that they where made slaves, working for the Prince, who delighted in torturing them, specially him, he still wore the marks of the whips, until one day he managed to escape, he wandered the forest until he was found by a group of adventurers who have been trying to overthrow the evil Prince father, he was given the mission to rally the slaves.
run on. might try ending one with 'until one day he managed to escape'
quote:
He managed to do it, but he paid a great price, Mark, his best friend was killed by an arrow, the only thing that remained of him was an amulet they had done together, it was made of falcon feathers and reptile claws, in revenge he deformed the Prince face, and took his crown, with the gold and jewels he forged a sword with the gold from the prince crown, and adorned it with it’s jewels, since that day the Prince had sworn revenge on him, so he had to run from his natal country to never return.
run on again. might end with 'an amulet they had done together' then the desciription another sentecne, then 'prince crown, and adorned it with it’s jewels' for the final split
quote:
Bosterblader always thought that he would never find him, but that was enough proof, Malorum had found him, he touched Mark’s amulet, then he realized it was late in the night, so he went to sleep, the marks of the chains in his wrists, they feeled just like if they had been puted on his flesh yesterday, but he still feel asleep nightmares all the night.
run on. I honestly am a little confused by this, but possible breaks could be: 'but that was enough proof' then 'so he went to sleep' then 'on his flesh yesterday' for the final break.
quote:
they feeled just
felt
quote:
had been puted on his flesh yesterday
puting would be putting
quote:
but he still feel asleep nightmares all the night
try but as he fell asleep he still had nightmares all night long.
well, there is my wall of text, hope its helpful.
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