Helixi
Member
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Well, since I have a day off college due to the ills striking, I shall (partially but harshly) critique your story.
You said you were in the first chapter, Mortarion? Usually, chapters all go into one post. You would also benefit from running the posts through a spellchecker, whether that's Word or a browser built in checker. Your problems range from formatting to spelling to grammar, but the story itself is sound. Finally, is there a reason you've put speech in a different font?
So you know the format of my critiques:
Title of chapter/post
quote:
Quote from the story/poem here. Mistakes will be in bold and numbered.
List of criticisms underneath.
1. Crit here.
2. Crit here.
etc.
First post.
quote:
1. Prologue:
It was a 2. beutiful day in 8. willowshire but this was a cruel joke as the city was in ruins3. , 4. of it only remained a refugee camp, 5. in this morning a messenger walked 6. trought it, searching for a horse; he had been tasked by 7. guardian fortuna to deliver a message to 8. falconreach asking for their help.
Criticisms.
1. I tend to bold/underline/italicise/supersize words like Prologue, Epilogue, Part and Chapter. It makes the page look more broken up and so is easier on the reader, since there isn't a huge text wall and it's clear when parts begin and end. See what I mean?
2. Beautiful.
3. The bit before the comma is a main clause, or a sentence by itself. The second part is also a main clause. Clearly, you know how to use semi-colons as you have done later in the sentence. It's up to you what you replace the comma with (full stop, dash, connective or semi-colon.)
4. This little segment doesn't make sense. With a little rewording, it will. I would suggest something like, "Of the beautiful town, nothing remained except a refugee camp."
5. In the morning.
6. Through.
7. Both Guardian and Fortuna should be capitalised. Guardian is her title and Fortuna is her name.
8. Places are also capitalised. So they would be Willowshire and Falconreach.
Finally, as this is a Prologue, I would suggest putting it in a separate post.
quote:
1. Chapter one:
2. It was a beautiful morning, Mortarion was walking in the woods near 3. falconreach when he found someone, 4. who had all of his ropes destroyed was famelic and obviously at the brink of death. 5. "By Lorithia, what are you doing here good man"
said Bosterblader
6. "There is no time "coughing up blood" please deliver this letter to the guardian tower", and with those last words the mysterious man fainted.
1. As I said before, bold titles make the easier to read as it's broken up.
2. This is a main clause and the bit after it is a main clause to, so this comma is wrongly placed.
3. Falconreach.
4. What on earth did you mean by this?
5. Speech goes on a new line and all speech should be closed with a period, question mark, comma, exclamation mark etc. inside the parentheses.
"By Lorithia, what are you doing here good man?"
In addition, you haven't named the dying man so your readers are confused when you mention Bosterblader.
6. "There is no time," he said, coughing up blood. "Please deliver this letter to the Guardian Tower."
quote:
1. Hmm it seems to be a sealed letter, with the symbol of the guardians, I need to deliver this inmediately, but I can't leave this man here, said Mortarion who proceeded to take the man and then he set to the falconreach inn.
Mortarion knock on the inn's door and was greeted by a tall blond woman, "Hi Serenity2. ", he said.
"Hi Mortarion what brings you here 3. ?", said Serenity.
"I need you to take care of this man, he had an urgent letter that needed to be delivered to the guardian tower but I coudn't let him up in the woods 2. ".
"You did the right thing Mortarion, this man is at the brink of death but I can save him 2. ", said Serenity.
"Thanks Serenity 2. ", said Mortarion.
"Now what are you waiting, go and deliver that letter 2. ", said Serenity, then she entered, 4. carrying the man in her arms and closed the door.
1. This chunk needs parentheses.
2. Comma/period inside parentheses.
3. There's no need for a comma here as the question mark closes the sentence.
4. I have two problems with this. Firstly, Serenity is a tiny woman, how can she carry a full grown man? Also, how does she shut the door?
quote:
1. "He is in good hands, but now I need to deliver this letter", thought Mortarion.
It was a small trip from Serenity's Inn to the Guardian Tower, he will be there in no time.
As soon as he delivered the letter to the 3. guardians, he was dismissed with the order to wait for future instructions, so he headed to the inn to rest there.
The next morning all adventurers 4. where ordered to go to 5. willowshire, in the way they 4. where suppossed to meet a caravan with supplies and healers from the nearby towns to help the people in the camp, and they 4. where guided by the mysterious man he had saved.
1. "So he was from 5. willowshire, thought Mortarion, 6. well considering how his people is I understand why he was like that when I first 7. meet him and why he hurried me so much to deliver the letter to the guardians, 8. well in way", said Mortarion.
After days of non stop walking the 9. heroes maked a halt, all of them 4. where speaking of the glories 10. that they'll acomplish when they saved 5. willowshire.
In their chatting, they didn't notice that a woman had approached them. She was a statuesque, auburn-haired beauty, and when she spoke all of the heroes turned to face her, yet she didn't seem scared. 11. "I am searching for the Falconreach heroes", she said.
1. Thoughts are usually italicised. This is a matter of style only, but it's common in almost every story that has inner monologue.
2. You messed up your tenses. It should be both in the past tense.
3. Guardian should be capitalised, as it's a title.
4. This is the wrong homophone; it should be "were".
5. The name of the town should be capitalised.
6. This whole bold chunk should be in parentheses and/or italicised.
7. Simple typo; "met".
8. "Well in way"? This part doesn't make sense.
9. "The heroes stopped."
10. "They would would accomplish." This was a simple tense mix-up.
11. Speech should be on a new line. The comma should also be in the parentheses.
quote:
"And who are you? 1. if whe can know my lady", said Mortarion standing up.
"My name is Esmerald and I am with the caravans headed for Willowshire 2. ", said the mysterious woman.
"Well then Esmerald join us, We will be on our way soon, but while that happens don't you want some meat and a pint of beer 3. ?", said Mortarion.
"Thanks 2. ", said Esmerald and 4. she sitted in the ground.
After eating and drinking they 5. realaised that they had lost to much time as it was dark, 6. so Esmerald went to her caravan, she and the heroes 7. had accorded to continue in the morning. 8. And with the first ray of sun they headed to Willowshire
1. The first letter of a sentence should be capitalised. "We". The last chunk of this sentence should run, "...said Mortarion, standing up."
2. Another comma outside a parentheses. Also, why have you capitalised Willowshire here and not in other places?
3. This comma is unnecessary.
4. "She sat".
5. "Realised".
6. Wait, so first she was with the caravan and now she has her own?
7. "Had decided".
8. You cannot start a sentence with a connective. It also needs to have a period.
Second post.
quote:
After Esmerald left 1. Mortarion and the heroes went to their tents to sleep 2. , she 3. in the other hand did go to the river to bathe in the river4. , after she was in it she couldn’t help to think all what has changed.
5. "Yes, only two years ago I was the daughter of one of the richest bankers." She thought. 6. So during her infancy she had never seen any poorness, so she had always believed that people were as rich as herself, 7. enjoying parties and dances. In fact, she remembered the last party she had been to. That day her father had said that she was especially beautiful, he had told that her eyes were like emeralds and that her hair was just like if it was made out of rubies, but that day something went really wrong.
8. Their chariot got a wheel broken and they had to stop to repair it 9. , as soon as they got out of it, beggars and lepers started appearing to ask them for money 9. , she was shocked, all of those people weren’t like her, some of them didn’t have meat in some parts of their bodies, one of them even said to them 10. “Please kill me”, but was soon pushed aside by the guards.
1. "After Esmerald left," is a subordinate clause, so there should be a comma after the name.
2. This comma is in the place of a period/semi-colon/dash. Insert the punctuation mark of your choice.
3. This whole part of the sentence should be, "On the other hand went to".
4. The part of the sentence after the comma is a main clause and so the comma should be a period/semi-colon/dash.
5. This is a thought. I've said before, thoughts are usually italicised to flag up to the reader that it is a thought.
6. Why is this word here?
7. This clause doesn't make sense where it is. I would suggest making it into a full sentence.
8. "Their chariot wheel broke."
9. Yet another comma in place of a period.
10. The comma should be in the parentheses.
In actual fact, the whole of the last sentence doesn't make any sense. It's a confusing series of subordinate and main clauses.
quote:
Soon they 1. where at the party, but she couldn’t get that image out of her mind 2. , the next day she asked her father for her part of the heritage 2. , he tried to stop her, but he couldn’t 2. , so he gave her the money, from that moment on she made her mission to help all of the poor and weak people, and that’s why she was headed to 4. willowshire.
Soon she felt 3. a cold air, and remembered that she needed to return to her tent, after she went to sleep, she dreamed of her past and strangely of Mortarion, something about him was strange like if he hided something, but she soon fell asleep thought.
5. The next morning the camp was attacked by bandits, Mortarion was at the front of the defense, but when the last bandit fell to his sword, he saw something that he couldn’t bear to see, in that moment an old wound appeared again, it was His mark, the one who had destroyed his life.
6. It was 5 years ago, when he was still known as Cruor, he remembered, he was in his house, his best friend, Mark, was with him, soon they felt sounds of a battle, when they reached the ground floor his father was dead, and her mother captured, they battled fiercely the attackers, but they couldn’t win, soon a really elegant dressed man, but Cruor could see that he was evil. When he appeared both of them attacked him 2. , he remembered his satisfaction when he managed to make him a small cut in the cheek 2. , for that the prince ordered that his father was fed to the dogs in front of him 2. , and that his mother was tortured to death.
1. Another homophone mix-up. This should be "were."
2. Yet another comma in the place of a period.
3. Air is not singular. Either take it out completely or replace it with "the".
4. Again, you haven't capitalised Willowshire.
5. This whole sentence is a mess.
6. What you have essentially done is list the events in subordinate clauses, which is confusing and useless for conveying information to the reader. In my opinion, you should split this into full sentences, with both main and subordinate clauses.
quote:
After that, he ordered that a 1. chain link was melted into his wrists and in his back, the pain was unbearable. After that they 2. where made slaves, working for the Prince, who delighted in torturing them 3. , specially him, he still 4. wore the marks of the whips, until one day he decided that he would overthrow Malorum.
He managed to do it, but he paid a great price 5. , Mark, his best friend was killed, the only thing that remained of him was an amulet they 6. had done together, it was 7. made of reptile bones an it had the shape of a skull, 8. in revenge he deformed the Prince face, and took his crown, with the gold and jewels he forged a sword with the gold from the prince crown, and adorned it with it’s jewels, since that day the Prince had sworn revenge on him, so he had to run from his natal country to never return.
Mortarion always thought that he would never find him 5. , but that was enough proof, Malorum had found him 5. , he touched Mark’s amulet, then he realized it was late in the night, so he went to sleep, 9. the marks of the chains in his wrists, they feeled just like if they had been puted on his flesh yesterday, but he still feel asleep nightmares all the night.
1. What metal is this? What is it's colour, texture, weight, effect on a human body?
How would he move if there's sold metal on his back?In my opinion, it would keep the shoulders, hips and spine locked into place. The muscles would be held rigid, there would critical organ and nerve damage and the skin under the metal would be a constant source of agony. Providing, of course, the pain of the procedure doesn't kill him and he isn't irreversibly crippled. He might also get heavy metal poisoning, as the metal is in contact with the wound for a long time.
2. "Were."
3. "Especially."
4. One cannot "wear" whip marks, as they are not clothing. However, one can "bear" whip marks.
5. Another comma in the space of a period.
6. How can you "do" an amulet? You can "win" an amulet, if that's what's you meant.
7. "Reptile bones and it had the shape of a skull." So it was a skull?
8. What do you mean by this sentence?
9. "The marks of the chains on his wrists... They felt like they had been put on his flesh yesterday... He still fell asleep to nightmares."
Third Post.
quote:
He remembered it 1. , he remembered the day that Malorum came to his village, 2. all who opposed perished, he was 3. in his room with Mark, and the girlfriend of him, soon they heard the typical sounds of fighting 1. , when Mark peered through the window he was almost killed by an arrow, 4. if he wasn’t killed by it, it was because it was carrying a piece of flesh, you could see the blood dripping from it, his girlfriend screamed, he remembered the minutes he tried to console her but she couldn’t take anymore, 5. she just threw herself thought the window, soon they heard a thump, when they peered through the window they saw her, she had her arms broken as well as her legs, but she was still alive, soon they heard foot steps, they couldn’t believe what they witnessed, a soldier closed on her, and believing she was an enemy proceeded on to stab her several times, blood flowed from her body as if it were water.
Soon Malorum himself entered 6. his house, 7. he was of their same age, althought Malorum’s eyes where 8. litted by evilness, 9. like if he was a demon mad man 10. he remembere how he and Mark attacked Malorum, they even bited him, Mortarion even managed to make him a wound, and punched him, when they finished 11. Malorum said “Well what whe have here, a peasant, how do you dare to touch me, peasant!!”.Said Malorum in a despective tone
12. “Oh you are important, said Cruor, I thought you where a pig”
13. “How do you dare speak to me in that whay you peasant, it doesn’t matters, soon I’ll punish you, but for now, let’s go boys my father is waiting for us”.Said Malorum. After that Malorum and all the prisioners, including Mark and Mortarion,14. leaved the town.
1. Comma in place of a period.
2. "All who opposed him perished."
3. "...in his room with Mark and Mark's girlfriend."
4. This entire segment needs revising.
5. Massive run on sentence. Also, "thought"=threw.
6. Whose house? Mortarion's? Mark's? Uncle Peter's? Specify ownership.
7. "He was their age."
8. How can someone's eyes be "litted with evilness." Evil is usually associated with darkness, so this is a very strange image. In addition, neither "litted" nor "evilness" are actually words.
9. "As if he was."
10. This whole thing is a run-on sentence, linked by badly placed commas and connectives. I would suggest, "Mortarion remembered how he and Mark attacked Malorum; they even managed to wound him in several places."
11. Speech goes on a new line, said is followed by a comma. You also have "Malorum said" and "Said Malorum" at the beginning and end respectively. The speech is badly worded; would he really say, "Well what do we have here? A peasant? How dare you touch me!" After they just beat his arse? No, I think he'd be much more angry than that. In addition, one exclamation mark is enough and there is no need for a full stop as the sentence has been closed. Finally, what is a "despective tone"?
12. Who the hell is Cruor?! Why is there another character added for no discernible reason?! You've used the wrong homophone (again) it should be "were." The line should also be closed off with a period.
13. None of this chunk makes any sense. I would suggest, "How dare you speak to me in that way, peasant! However, it doesn't matter; soon I'll punish you. For now, my father is waiting for us." The period should be inside the parentheses and there should be a space before starting the next sentence.
14. "Left". There is no such word as "leaved".
quote:
When they 1. where outside of it Malorum and his men gathered all those who had 2. putted a serious resistance, after covering them in 3. burning oil in the middle of town, they set it on fire 4. , 5. this also served another purpose, to crush any resistance. 6. The screams, Mortarion could never forget the screams, the cries of the womens as they suffered, the mens silently defiying Malorum, but the worst part was when one of the 7. womans managed to get out of town, Malorum faked to be impresed by her, he ordered to two of his servants to apply “healing” potions aswell to drink them, but what that poor woman didn’t know was that it was oil, then Malorum 8. made him walk to the front of the group, after that he proceeded to 9. throw the woman again to the flames, the screams she 10. emmited, Mortarion could never forget them, 11. and when she explotted to this day he feels to still be covered by what remained of her. After that Malorum and his men guided the 12. twon to his fortress but before they left, they heard 13. acry of revenge, 14. it was the skull shaped monolith in the center of town, he never forgot it, and he still will accomplish it, after that Malorum left the town remains thinking they where cursed
1. This is again the wrong homophone. It should be "were".
2. There is no such word as "putted", at least in this context. This fragment should be, "...those who had strongly resisted." Why only strongly resisted? Why not all the villagers?
3. In all the literature I have read that includes this sort of punishment, there is no such thing as "burning oil". In other words, there is not a oil specifically used for this purpose.
4. Yet another comma in place of a period.
5. This fragment doesn't make sense.
6. There's so much wrong with this sentence. Almost every comma is used instead of a period; why would men "silently defy" Malorum when they were burning? I know a lot of men that would scream very loud if they were on fire. You also spelt "defying" wrong.
7. "... One of the women. Malorum faked being impressed by her bravery and ordered two of his servants to apply 'healing' potions. Unbeknown to her, the potions were in fact oil." The words "to drink them" have no place in that sentence.
8. Make who walk to the front of the group?
9. She was already on fire, so that doesn't make any sense.
10. People do emit sound, but to use the word in this way is crude. Try something else.
11. "...And when she exploded." People do not explode from being set alight. You also switch between tenses, so "to this day" in the context of the sentence doesn't make sense. Neither does, "he still feels to still be covered by what remained of her".
12. "town".
13. "A cry".
14. This is a main clause by itself, so it should be preceded by a comma. Who never forgot it? What does he intend to do? "Were".
quote:
1. After that his curse was impossed to him
Mortarion remembered as he stood, 2. within the blood stained chamber that was Malorum torture chamber, the magical spikes 3. with intruded into the depths of my spine 5. began digging deeper into his flesh. The 5. b]Pain was right to the 6. point below that which was meant to kill one. This was torture, so he would feel the extreme of pain, before Death would grasp him, if it ever did. 7. A pain that follows me to this day, 8. I still remember the laughter of Malorum.Said Cruor in dreams.
After that he was sent to his little room, 9. he couldn’t lean on his back, not even sleep on it, for if he had done that the spike would enter his flesh again. If Mark had not been there, 10. the human that'd turn into Mortarion, probably would have died.
11. After that Mortarion wake up screaming
1. This is sentence, so needs a period. I have no idea what you mean by "impossed" either.
2. Don't repeat a word twice in the same sentence, it's very clumsy.
3. "With" has no place in this sentence. Why has the narrative perspective shifted into first person?
4. This clause should be preceded by a connective so it makes sense.
5. Why is this capitalised?
6. One person's pain threshold is different to another's and Malorum cannot possibly know straight away how much pain the character can endure. The narrative has also switched back to third person. Finally, the whole sentence needs rewriting. I know what you're trying to say, but it's very badly written.
7. Why has it switched back to first person?! "A pain that stayed with him for the rest of his life." Would be a better sentence.
8. If this is speech, it needs parentheses. There should also be a space at the end of each sentence before the next one starts.
9. This doesn't make sense. Why is the spike still there; he's not in the torture chamber anymore.
10. I can make neither heads nor tails of this little fragment.
11. why is this in present tense?
Fourth Post.
quote:
1. Day after day, the nightmares continue, like if repeating history. Day after day of planning their revolt, they day had finally come in which they would bring Malorum down. 2. And yet it was only the last day of Cruor’s life.
3. The battle, he remembered it, chocking one of the jailors with is chains to take the keys. 4. The overjoyed cries of his fellow slaves as they were freed from their long oppression under Malorum’s reign, they would be finally be free men.
5. “Today, we bring down Malorum my fellow slaves” Had said Cruor “Follow me to freedom and revenge”
6. Firstly they assaulted the armory to take up on the armor there, and to release the slaves that worked there. They kept doing on this until Malorum’s entire castle was surrounded by a sea of rebel slaves.
The arrows rained down upon them, at least half of their force was decimated by the arrows, and yet, injured and weakened,8. they breached the first two obstacles, the bridge and the wall to Malorum’s inner sanctum. 9. He had to receive medical treatment, his shoulder had been pierced by an arrow, yet he denied it, the fire of revenge had been ignited inside him, and it could only be extinguished with Malorum’s blood.
11. They kept on advancing, when they suddenly faced a platoon of knights.
12. “Halt!!" Said the 13. captain “In the name of prince Malorum you are ordered to return to your normal activities, take into consideration that if you surrender now there will be no 14. punishment”
1. This is in present tense again, and I don't know why. If you intend to keep it as present tense, it should be, "Day after day, the nightmares continue, as if repeating history." If you mean to change it to past tense, it should be, "Day after day, the nightmares continued, as if repeating history."
2. I don't like this sentence. It's far too callous and throwaway to herald the death of a main character, even though I have no idea who Cruor is.
3. "The battle. Yes, he remembered it well. He remembered knocking out a jailer to take his keys."
4. This is a series of subordinate clauses following on from each other.
5. All the punctuation you need in this is missing. Also, "had said Cruor," does not make sense.
6. It would be "first", not "firstly", as you haven't started the second paragraph with another connective i.e. However, In addition, Secondly, etc. Also, it's perfectly feasible for them to storm the armoury, but remember these are highly trained soldiers versus. weak, starving, ill peasants. How would they win, much less free other slaves? How many armouries are there in the castle? If there was a "sea of rebel slaves", why didn't they escape long ago? How are they controlled by Malorum/his men? Detail, detail, detail!
7. This is a main clause.
8. "...they breached the first two obstacles, which were the bridge and the wall to Malorum's inner sanctum." The bad sentencing aside, isn't it a little arrogant/shortsighted of Malorum to make it that easy to get into his living space?
9. Who is he?
10. This fragment doesn't make sense. The second comma is also not necessary.
11. Why didn't they face knights before?
12. Two exclamation marks is not necessary.
13. When opening speech, there should be a comma. So this little bit would be, "...captain, "In".
14. Speech should be closed with a period.
quote:
1. Never” Shouted Mark “We prefer death than to serve that bastard again” He said before sinking his sword through the captains’ throat.
2. “Attack my fellow rebels” Shouted Cruor as he pierced a soldier’s heart with his sword.
3. The battle was short, and they won, but they knew that they would soon be overrun. 4. “There, we can hide behind that door” Said one of the former slaves while pointing at a door.
When they opened the door they found a room filled with old men, women and children. Obviously they were making a escape tunnel, but they had brought the attention to the room with their arrival.
5. “Hey Cruor” Said Mark
“Yes Mark” Said Cruor.
“I think I can distract them enough, after all it’s our fault” Said his best friend, he was obviously ashamed for putting in danger innocent people.
“Please don’t go Mark, they’ll kill you” He said to his best friend.
"I must go Cruor, I coudn't live if this people were murdered due to our faults" Said Mark before leaving through the door.
An hour filled with tension transpired, Mark hadn't returned. "I can't take this any longer" He said as he 6. leved the safety of the room.
He walked 7. throught the corridors, murdering anybody who came near 8. him, untill he found him. 9. Mark was there, in the ground, surrounded by knights. 10. "MARK" Shouted Cruor as he started to attack all the knights that surrounded his friend. Soon his sword pierced a knight's throat, then it tasted the heart of another one, and so on, untill all of them were dead.
1. Speech should be closed inside parentheses. So this would read, "Never!" Shouted Mark, "We prefer death than to serve that bastard again!"
2. Why would he call them rebels? They're just village people. Related to that point, how can they use swords?
3. I'd call killing a few guards a skirmish, if that.
4. Speech goes on a new line. There's also no closure of speech in the parentheses.
5. All this speech needs closure in the parentheses. There's also some other mistakes in there.
6. "Left".
7. "Through".
8. Specify the characters here.
9. Mark cannot be "in" the ground. He can be "on" the ground, however.
10. Speech goes on a new line. Shouting in capitals also looks very crass; usually it's normal to have the speech in lowercase, followed by an exclamation mark and described by an adjective such as "shouted" or "yelled".
Overview.
What you have here is a plot overview, not a story. It has the potential to be very good, but you need to work on all of these areas;
- Spelling. What I mean by this is, it's an absolute must that you run your work through a spellchecker, be that Word or one built into a browser. Chrome, for example, has a spellchecker. Something as simple as having good spelling will set you on the road to having a good story and will make readers more likely to stick around to read it.
- Grammar/Punctuation. You make long run on sentences using subordinate clauses and no main clause, which means it's not actually a sentence. In addition to that, you try to use complex sentence far too often and it doesn't work out very well. Try sticking to simple sentences until you get the hang of creating complex sentences. Your punctuation is also bad; you consistently use commas in the place of periods, you don't use apostrophes, you don't close speech properly and you sometimes fail to capitalise things that should be capitalised. Again, these are simple things to sort out.
- Description. There is no description in this story. We need to know what places/people/animals/objects look like, smell like, sound like, feel like and maybe even taste like. There is no description of Mortarion, who is your main character. A reader is likely going to be very put off by having no information about the person they're supposed to empathise with.
- Plot development. Why did Malorum destroy the town? Also, two scenes in this (the metal on his back scene and the burning the woman scene) could be very powerful if they were written right. Hell, they're both chapters by themselves, but you allotted them a few lines each. We need more backstory as to why what is happening is actually happening.
- Character development. Why are Mark and Mortarion the way they are? Are they naturally cowardly, naturally heroic, unwilling heroes? More backstory to the characters!
This could potentially be a great story, but as TormentedDragon said, this is not a story, this is a plot outline.
THIS IS AN FINISHED CRITIQUE
~Please do not use text size over 3, it is spam.
Mritha
Apologies Mritha, I didn't notice.
< Message edited by Helixi -- 11/27/2011 13:41:17 >
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