Tep Itaki
Friendly!
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To those who was waiting, sorry for making you wait. I'll try to make this a content critique, not spell check (Trying to not be a total Grammar Nazi >.>;;). If you have questions about spell check, please send me a pm and I'll be more than happy to nitpick :P after reading the your story again XD
Also, when I critique I do it meticulously.
@Muchiha:
Your prologue about the letter from your main character's father was an interesting read. It showcases that not all necromancers are evil like many say or is presumed. An interesting take with the good necromancers and the small background about the armor which the father entrusts to his son before the war.
Your first chapter depicts of the preparation it takes before a war. A tad dull on this part but mainly but it's expected when dealing with stocking the items. I had a chuckle with the names of the 3 vehicles that will be used against the paladins. Speaking of paladins, nice ending with the rogue paladins.
@flashbang:
Already in the war huh? From the looks of it, you just need to learn how to write in a better format and style as your current writing in all over the place. There's a potential for your story to be great it's just overshadowed by a mix of novel styled writing and role-playing, which throws me off whenever I read (Day before the war). That aside, you have action first off and reveal two brothers on opposing sides that meet each other in secret, showing that their family bond can't be broken so easily by factions. You've also shown two teachers who followed after their own disciples and ended up fighting each other and taking each other out. Like I said, your writing has potential, you've just need to have a better format and style for your writing.
@Travis:
A conflicted start with a conflicted end in your story, I wonder which side he'll pick. Where you've reeled me in was during Death's Kid's vision of the upcoming war. Showcasing what can transpire on the battlefield of necromancer and paladins. One of which is what Tep fears and hopes would not have to happen. After the vision you showcase how cruel a loyal paladin is when upholding their justice. Showing that light does not necessarily mean good and how they can be quite merciless.
@UnderSoul:
A humble royal who has a good head on his shoulders. Calm, collected and in control. It's a short story for now and makes me wonder what will happen with the story and where it will go. An old rival who is sneaky with his approach to learn his enemies. An interesting thing with the spoon but if you were trying to make your readers go "Wha-" You succeeded with me. I think I know who you'll be recruiting in this war...
@battlemaster:
Your story is good and I can't wait to read the entire finished product. I like your format in your story and how you deliver the story. You set the scene first then proceed to telling your tell so that your reader is able to imagine what happens as they read your story. It's detailed but not too detail to the point of boring your readers. The fact that you also show this war can tear apart even a mother and son had me smiling during the back and forth between Storm and Isaac.
@Trainz:
Interesting on how you included Frigidere and the cold temperature in your story. Your writing seem to have humor in the speech of them characters you write about. A sort of serious humor I would say and that's one of my favorite types of humor. I quite like how this story is already as I continue reading.
There are few spelling errors and mistakes but going on....the next chapter is quite battle oriented as well as quick paced. A nice flow in events to reveal it was a test. This chapter also reveal his reasons for joining this war, even when he decided not to. A great piece you've written.
@She Ratchet:
You've wrote about the necromancer's side first. How this war has been started by the paladins, which prompt you to call on a council that hasn't been called in years. Your character then proceeds to study the history books about past necromancer vs paladin wars to no avail.
You shifted the story to the paladin's side as Artix is playing chess by himsef. You painted quite the picture with the numbers of troops Artix gather for the war as well as portray Artix in a much darker and serious mood. Can't wait to see what comes next.
@White Knight:
Now, this was the most interesting take of all. It seems to be set in a more fantasy like place than Lore as you place it in. It's more dramatic, more flair in action scenes and over the top. But you seem to taken full advantage of the fantasy setting and created something fun to read. Another interesting thing was that you had your character die first and something unexpected. I wonder how this entire thing will turn out.
The stories have been great to read and I also hope to read Elryn's when the time comes. Thinking of adding others (your AQ character) into the stories when I write for the Paladin's and Necromancer's side of the war. Little more is here
EDIT: @Archmopecake:
That was quite the speech. Inspirational even, especially when you added a part of the Battle of Troy in there. I can only say "Bravo"
< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 1/31/2013 9:20:41 >
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