Tep Itaki
Friendly!
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Okay, I'm up and fully awake, now I think I might be able to make this next chapter without as much mistakes as the last two...which I'm still re-editing >.>;;
Paladin's Resolution is being slowly yet surely being created. I've also taken the liberty of updating and editing Necromancer's Justification due to GE's comment about how easy-going everyone was portrayed in their base despite there being a war going on. I've edited my story here and there to show reasons why and changed some parts of character interactions somewhat to have on more....acceptable term.
So you don't have to read the entire thing again :3
I chopped off the detailed part with the pets and some parts about the little thing on Tep's head.
quote:
"I am Lord Scorpio. Just call me Scorpio," Scorpio paused for a second, "You should know who I am as I'm one of the generals in this battle. Who are you?"
"Ah...I'm a new recruit. I just came today."Scorpio simply stood and stared at this new recruit as he was explaining himself, as if to determine whether he was telling the truth or not.
"......fight with the paladins. We could always use more support."
.
.
"What a strange recruit......" ...... the young man ran, "Why was he walking around with such a thing on his head? ....No matter, it's time to get back to the meeting." With that he left in the direction towards the center of the encampment.
quote:
Tep laughed weakly, "That's her alright..."
Chopped off a bit of dialogue with Issacc's only line in the story and Storm's response XD Also added a rifle to Death's Kid's back after reading Travis' story.
quote:
However, there were some who also fight in this war because they are loyal to the necromancers as well like Ubear. I think he might be the friendliest one of those who fight for this reason.
I've learned a lot from the necromancer's side because I was lucky enough to find a few of the necromancers who were willing to talk with me. The other necromancers I met weren't in such a talkative mood and outright attacked me because I was acting suspicious...However, it seems that even in war time, some people still act like they usually do at home in their base while others also bring the mood of the battlefield back with them to the base. At least that's what I've observed.
I wonder what I'll learn from the paladin's side and if the situation at their base is similar to the necromancer's.
Deleted the last sentence in the Necromancer's Justification chapter and either changed dark to evil or deleted it. Changed some repeating words.
Review coming up as I'm currently reading them before working on the Paladin's chapter.
REVIEWS
@Muchiha: A good chapter you've released. I had a couple chuckles here and there between the back and forth with the two groups. One thing I would like to point out, wouldn't the rogue paladins rather call themselves the Pure Paladins or True Paladins since they consider themselves the the more pure and powerful paladins? It wouldn't make sense to have them calling themselves Paladin Rogues.
@flashbang: Your stories are short and to the point. However, that's an ending a lot of people wish for with this war and it's always nice to see such a thing. The part that seemed strange to me was when you had a Stadium of Endings to end all fights when there's still a war going on, especially with overzealous paladins and wicked necromancers still roaming about. There was a high chance either one could have sabotaged the 1 on 1. Good story, you just need to work on your writing skills and I'm certain you'll soar.
@Elryn: You weren't kidding about the slow build-up but it still speaks loudly. Your new chapter with Elryn (possibly) remembering a palaver (I need to ask you where you get your vocabs I want them >.>) with Phrixus along with what was happening in the present in between was something you pulled off beautifully. Curiosity now wonders what happens next.
@Travis: After reading your new chapter I fixed a part of my story to include it. Can't believe I missed that. Back to the story. I find that Death's Kid meeting up with the same paladin from the prologue to be a bit predictable yet necessary for the story. It showed that these, what's the right word for them, ambitious paladins don't learn their lessons because they're so blinded by their dedication to their cause. It justified your reason for attacking the paladins and siding with the necromancers in this war quite well.
PS I hope you liked how I had your character in my story, if there's anything I can change please do tell me.
@UnderSoul: I finally understood Elryn's words when he posted it and he is right. But, you still kept the key core of the story, rushed or not. Interestingly enough, I wonder why an 8 year old was allowed in the base? Seems like a forced act to tug on the hearts of the reader. Then again, who am I to say since I kept trying to add some comedy to my otherwise solemn piece of work with the peace zard. Doesn't seem to work so I may stop it after the paladin's act. Moving on, your last chapter has sparked my interest as when both necromancer and paladin meet each other under the midnight sky. The ending was done quite well though short, it was done well.
PS did I portray your character correctly or should I make some more changes?
@battlemaster: In chapter 3 you've shown that even Storm did not want to face his own mother and his mother's pain of having to face her own son in chapter 4. Storm's mother, Juna, is quite the leader as she briefed her soldiers before turning them loose. Your chapters solid and the story keeps thickening. Can't wait to see more.
PS is there anything I should add or remove so it's closer to your character?
@Trainz: Your story is as solid as ever. It feels like I'm reading a professional novel. You've got talent. Now on to the story, I find it intriguing that Scion used such a devilish plan against his sworn nemesis. I also liked how you included the Forgotten into the story as well. The back and forth between him and the spawnling, Savarin, caught my attention as it seems you've had Savarin able to look deep into Scion and unsettle him.
@She Ratchet: I liked how you present a grim situation to the necromancers as they received the news of the paladin's gathering of allies. The situation of how the necromancers do not have a solid alliance between each other compared to those of the paladins. The situation seems dire for the necromancers with how you written the story. I like it.
@White Knight: Hmm...there's a joke I can make with the Satan part but jokes asides I quite liked the ending you had but then again, I'm a sucker for sappy ending >.>;; (Damn you, Disney films. Damn you I say!) A sort of rushed ending to your story so you could proceed to the next I'm assuming. Now for your Next Story...I think I'll take a rain check on that as I have other stories to read and my own to write. I will, however, read it when I finish my chapters and the review of other stories.
Btw, do tell me what you think of how I portrayed your character when Paladin's Resolution is posted.
@Kalle: This one has been a long time coming but...This is such a random piece that I could not help but to laugh. It seemed like you had fun with this piece. It's a nice break from a lot of the serious stories on here. Not to mention having the word "fiddlesticks" being a taboo word cracked me up even when I knew it was coming.
Though it does makes me wonder what kind of story you could make when you don't take a incredible turn to randomness at every single turn. This story being prime evidence.
@Cataclysm: A mercenary who, though unwilling and reluctant, accepts the offer of the paladin. His disciple, a strong paladin supporter, tried to convince him to whole-heartily to join the paladins and fight for their cause while his teacher warns him of what would happen on the battlefield. I cannot wait to read what happens next.
@Sir Nicholas, @Falerin, @Dwelling Dragonlord, @kors, @Darquess, @Heroes of the Scape, I'm a bit pressed for time to get my story out so I will have to take a rain check on reading your story for now.
Added more to Ubear's scene. Realized I didn't give him as much screen time as I thought so...quote:
...paladin is just not my style. Besides, you ever see a friendly bear?"
One of the necromancers that dispersed shouted "I have! I've been to a circus!"
"Wild bears! I meant wild bears!" Ubear shouted back before turning his attention back to Tep only to find him gone, "What abo-"
Deleted Tep's apology scene. Also added more to Storm's appearance. I realized I really do need to double check and triple read my stories before putting them up >.>;; A lot of the magic has been taken out because of the editing even if it makes the story better. *sighs* >.>;;
EDIT...again: Got permission to use Drakeh's character so the interaction between him and Ubear will have more to it
< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/3/2013 11:18:57 >
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