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5/3/2009 19:52:24   
UrufuHiken
Creative!


Crescent War
Shadows of Dawn




*Now that I am an approved author, I am transferring my current work in progress from English 101.
*For a link to the story, please click the banner or here!


Title: Shadows of Dawn (Book 1 of Crescent War)

Genre: Fantasy

Notes:
This story's universe is based upon AE's game, Dragonfable. But, as I progress, I do intend to try and change location and create a universe of my own. My hope is to one day get this published.
*Soon I will begin changing location names. I already have plot and universe outlines ready to use, and the story will be going from dragonfable to something of my own creation. I just need some clever location names.

Progress:
*The prologue, and chapters 1-2, along with the first part of chapter 3 are up.
*Chapter 3 complete.
*Chapter 4 part 1 is up. Small edit on chapter 2.
*Small addition to chapter 4.
*Chapter 4 complete. Name change process begun.




Main Characters:



Faolan:

  • Race: Pure bread Werewolf
  • Gender: Male
  • Age: Unknown
  • Class: Rogue, 'with part ninja and part ranger qualities.'. (A master with daggers and short-bladed weapons, and highly adept with the bow.)
  • Elemental align: Wind/Nature/Darkness
  • Bio: A werewolf in a mercenary team of sorts. Faolan travels around with his comrade-at-arms, Ravin, looking for odds-and-ends jobs throughout Darkovia. Though the duo are both considered to be 'dark creatures,' they get on well enough with humans. (Well enough when they aren't killing them for some reason or another.) They generally take escort jobs for the wandering merchants and loggers that go through the particular dangerous areas, and normally stick to their word. Throughout the story, the duo is forced to divulge upon their tattered and twisted past.
  • Visage: Thick, dark-brown, and wind-blown hair that comes down just above the eyes and comes down at a tail at the back of his neck. Brown-gold, wolf-like eyes. Faolan is generally accompanied with a wolfish grin.


    Ravin:

  • Race: Pure bread Vampire
  • Gender: Male
  • Age: Unknown
  • Class: Warrior (Prefers the use of the lance and/or quarter staff.)
  • Elemental align: Darkness
  • Bio: Vampire 'comrade-at-arms' and childhood friend of Faolan, *see above for extra details*
  • Visage: sleek, raven black hair, and crimson-red eyes. A bored frown normally dominates his soft, pale face. The classic emo-hero character persona. (No offense intended to anyone)


    Luca:


  • Race: Human
  • Gender: Male
  • Age: 18
  • Class: Paladin. (Weapon of choice, the two handed long sword.)
  • Elemental align: Light/Silver
  • Bio: Having had lost his family and loved ones to the shrouded clutches of the dangerous vampires in Darkovia forest when he was just a boy, Luca has sworn swift and holy justice to all vampire spawn. When the evil Braeden tries to cast his evil shadow over the land, Luca is the first on the scene in the deepest and darkest town in Darkovia. Along the way, Luca finds himself with the strangest allies he could think of.
  • Visage: Dirty-blond hair and sparkling blue eyes that are always searching for answers on the horizon....... he re-defines emo! (Sorry... still no offense intended...)


    Arin:

  • Race: Human
  • Gender: Female
  • Age: 19
  • Class: Apothecary
  • Bio:
  • Visage: 'Her skin was the pale hue of not having enough sunlight in her life. Brown hair whisked around her face and at the base of her neck, and inquisitive brown eyes looked out behind a few stray hairs that swung in front of her face. Her rosebud lips widened in a smile as she recognized the two uninvited guests standing at her door...'


    Maura:

  • Race: Vampire
  • Gender: Female
  • Age: 17
  • Class: Necromancer/Mage
  • Elemental align: Darkness, and somewhat adept in Fire skills
  • Bio: Young daughter to the infamous 'Lord Braeden,' she doesn't share the same lust for power as her ravenous father. Never the less, she is an excellent tactician, and sets out, if rather unwillingly, as a conqueror under Braeden's banner. She knows nothing but the un-loving atmosphere of the vampiric underworld, and doesn't understand why she feels so discontent. (Close relative of Ravin)
  • Visage: Long, black hair that flows to her waist. Crimson eyes shine from her deathly beautiful and delicate oval of a face.


    Lord Braeden:

  • Race: Vampire
  • Gender Male
  • Age: Unknown
  • Class: Deathknight
  • Elemental align: Darkness
  • Bio: Evil and Tyrannical, Braeden's thirst for power is rivaled only by his thirst for blood. Braeden sends his legion of darkness across Darkovia to bind them under his dark grasp, before setting his sights for Falconreach.
  • Visage: Thin and sleek black hair tops his head. Crimson eyes shine with a fervent and lustful gleam in a gaunt, pale face. Long, razor sharp, finger nails capping long, willowy fingers. The essence of insanity. The essence of a true Death Knight.




    Secondary Characters:




    Ken:

  • Race: Human
  • Gender: Male
  • Age: 28
  • Class: Paladin
  • Bio: The soft but hard trainer of the Paladin ways to Luca. He stresses to the young Paladin the virtues of Patience, and supreme importance of letting go his hatred and lust for vengeance against the creatures that slaughtered his family and friends. He tries to teach Luca that the only way to conquer evil is not through blind vengeance, but justness and fairness, and a love to conquer his hate. Concluding that words will not be enough, he lets Luca depart alone into the unfolding scene darkness in Darkovia.
  • Visage: A stern, green-eyed, stare and wispy, yellow hair decorate a soft, knightly face. The picture perfect Paladin.


    Lord Val:

  • Race: Half-Vampire
  • Gender: Male
  • Age: ???
  • Class: Paladin
  • Bio: An officer of the Paladin Garrison near Falconreach. Luca looks up to him in reverence for being one of the most renown vampire slayers within the garrison, but though Luca looks up to him the most, Val is in fact a half-vampire. Born of a vampire father and a human mother, Val too had lost all that he had to the hungry clutches of the spiteful creatures of Darkovia. Val, though being week to the sunlight and artifacts of light, vowed to fight for what was right. In hopes that Luca will learn to love, he allows him to set out to Darkovia, where experience may be the only mentor that can teach him now.
  • Visage: Lord Val, week to sunlight, keeps his body covered from head to toe. Enclosed in an elegant casing of mirror shine, white mail armor in gold trimming; the rest of his skin is shielded by white gauntlets and cloak. Hood always on over a gold-trimmed, light helm and visor.


    Jenna: (Name Changed from Arin.

  • Race: Human
  • Gender: Female
  • Age: 18
  • Class: Paladin
  • Bio:
  • Visage: "Short, golden hair framed her heart-shaped face. Eyes, emerald green, flashed tantalizingly through long and eloquent lashes. A smile flashed sparkling, white ivory between rose-red lips. Even in the heavy armor of the Paladin's Order, her form and gait spoke of slim and feminine beauty..."





    Dragonfable Characters:

    Those borrowed from the Dragonfable universe itself.



    Lugosi: Amityvale shop owner from dragonfable.






    < Message edited by UrufuHiken -- 9/30/2009 18:24:14 >
  • Post #: 1
    5/9/2009 4:25:58   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    I really like your methods on giving descriptions, especially on chapter 3. It's so good that I want to try writing something as good as that. Hope you keep it up.
    AQ DF  Post #: 2
    5/11/2009 21:12:42   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    Thanks, Crimz, I'm honored to hear you say that! I will try my best to keep with it as often as I can!
    Post #: 3
    5/11/2009 21:15:25   
    Gianna Glow
    Member

    omg! you got approved and you didnt tell me?!?
    well, congratz and usual amazing writing. :)

    edit-
    btw, if you could post a link here in the comments thread, that would be awesome.

    < Message edited by green_girl02 -- 5/11/2009 21:16:39 >
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
    5/11/2009 22:05:54   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    Sorry! I guess I forgot to mention it.

    And yes, I will be sure to add an extra link for the story.
    Post #: 5
    5/11/2009 22:19:22   
    Gianna Glow
    Member

    Forgot?!? Wow... lol, jk! congrats again though!
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
    5/11/2009 23:11:14   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    lol thanks! Congrats again on your AP also!
    Post #: 7
    5/12/2009 0:06:22   
    Gianna Glow
    Member

    Thanks! well, let me know when you update!! i love reading ur story!
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
    5/12/2009 0:36:03   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    Ditto to what she said. I find reading the scenery a bit more fun that the action (weird huh?)

    _____________________________


    Can you see the Visions?
    AQ DF  Post #: 9
    5/12/2009 0:56:35   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    Well if you guys are still awake to get this... update!

    Chapter 3 is complete, though I will be going through to edit it tomorrow.
    Post #: 10
    5/13/2009 8:27:11   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    quote:

    "One second." Relgen said, holding out a pouch of gold. "As promised. The village is only a few miles from here, and the way I see it, we will have only gotten too it because of you two."


    There are more like these, but this is just one of them.

    When writing dialogues, this is the proper way:
    "Hi," Crimzon said/waved/etc to Hiken.

    It should be a comma, not a period (but dont repalce ?s and !s with commas in dialogues).

    quote:

    Ravin turned, just catching the rusted blade of an ax

    'axe' has an e

    quote:

    Bats fluttered over-head

    no need for a hyphen

    Heh, I wonder where this ghoul-attack will get too. Imma expecting a war or something (I love those).
    AQ DF  Post #: 11
    5/13/2009 14:43:43   
    Gianna Glow
    Member

    Loved it. I dont have time (or in a good mood to be nice...) to do an indepth today. sorry, but i like where the story is going.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 12
    5/13/2009 17:20:05   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    @Crimz

    1. Yeah, that mistake is one I make often.

    2. Yeah. I thought that too.. but.... Ax vs Axe. I often see ax used instead of axe in fantasy stories; I often see examples of both really. So I was not quite sure on where to go with that. after typing ax... my fingers got lazy and chose for me. Thus, ax.

    3. And yes. I often over-use the hyphen

    Well I couldn't spoil it for ya...... but yeah..... big war.... doom war...... Blood and gore, and grisly death.... okay I'll stop.

    @GG!

    lol, glad you enjoyed it!
    Post #: 13
    5/21/2009 19:47:48   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    Part 1 of chapter 4 is up. Sorry for the wait guys, been a little busy.
    Post #: 14
    5/30/2009 18:38:54   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    New update on chapter 4. Its a small one, but I will be doing more.

    Soon I will begin changing location names as I make the story transition from dragonfable to something of my own creation. Unfortunately I am bad with location names... any ideas?

    Faloncreach - Eaglecrest, (well it is inspired Falconreach after all...)
    Amityvale -
    Darkovia - Nightfallen, (Thanks Crimz)
    Doomwood - (I was just thinking something like Blackwood or something)

    < Message edited by UrufuHiken -- 6/1/2009 20:40:15 >
    Post #: 15
    5/31/2009 0:42:10   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    Delay? Heh, we forgive you xD

    Heh, lets have a race... first one to chapter 20 in his story wins! (just kidding)
    AQ DF  Post #: 16
    5/31/2009 0:47:26   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    Okay... I've noticed the dialogue problem:

    quote:

    "A room, if you will." replied Luca.

    "A room? Don't have many of those." the innkeeper replied in a suggestive tone as he regarded Luca's armored visage.


    Wrong: "Hi." Crimz said
    Right: "Hi," Crimz said
    Right: "Hello...?" Crimz uttered
    Right: "Wee!" Crimz interjected

    Wrong: "Hi," Crimz's voice was filled with enthusiasm
    Right: "Hi." Crimz's voice was filled with enthusiasm

    As you can see in the first set of examples... the dialogue is like... an object in the sentence (Direct Object to the verb 'said/uttered/interjected'. It should use a comma. But in the second set, the dialogue does not act with the next sentence. A period may be used.

    Once you edit your new location names, you could add a fix to that as well.

    quote:

    The room definitely was not worth the silver talon Luca had payed for it.

    'Paid' ... not 'payed'

    *Sighs* I cant stop admiring your descriptions. Really inspiring. Once my work reaches a certain progress, I'll edit some descriptions to match with your talent
    AQ DF  Post #: 17
    5/31/2009 19:03:39   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    You know... you've told me that before. I have been told that many times before.... WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER TO DO IT!?!?!?!?!?!
    *sigh* old habits die hard.

    And I suppose that one was just an act of stupidity on my part.... payed... paid... *shrugs.*

    Ah, thank you for your compliment, it is much appreciated! I am glad that I have reached inspirational level... though I fear the results that may have on humanity... XD

    And I race you there!... though I will be gone for the summer, and I will not be able to update often.
    Post #: 18
    5/31/2009 21:47:57   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    Heh, my summer is about to end. Okay, let's race xD
    AQ DF  Post #: 19
    5/31/2009 23:05:10   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    Right oh!

    Next small part up. I will finish the chapter tomorrow!
    Post #: 20
    6/2/2009 14:06:43   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    Edits:

    Names;
  • Arin changed to Jenna
  • New girl, name Arin. (I thought it fitted better)

    Locations;
  • Darkovia - Nightfallen.
  • Falconreach - Eaglecrest
  • Doomwood - (now simply,) Blackwood
  • Amityvale - (still open to suggestions)

    Chapter 4 edited and complete.
  • Post #: 21
    6/8/2009 8:53:42   
    Fleur Du Mal
    Member

    Hi!

    Sorry that it took me so long to return to your story. I'm continuing from where I left off in the WA, that should be around scene two in chapter 2. I did read the rest of chapter 2 already earlier but got swiped away before I could sit myself down to write the comments. Anyways, I hope you don't mind my butchering, do remember that these are my very much non-professional opinions only.

    On a general note, you have pretty good descriptions there. It's easy to imagine the surroundings and the mood of both of the sets you present there, it's easy to live and breath with the story. I saw you used quite a lot repetition there. Was it intentional, to enhance the mood? I'm asking this because, imho, there's something slightly off with the repetition now, it doesn't quite give all the impact it could give. I'll try to point out what I mean when going through the text.

    1)
    quote:

    He brought up his head, blond-tipped locks bouncing around startlingly blue eyes, and stared at the empty suit of armor. The armor that would now finally be put to use.

    Here, imo, the repetition works. Not all of the 'empty suit of armor' are repeated, giving the latter sentence nice emphasis and continuity.

    2)
    quote:

    He had been sitting alone in his room for nearly three hours now, just sitting in his room ever since Ken had told him to go rest up for the next morning. Luca found the concept of sleep laughable now though, and didn't believe he would rest this night. So he just sat, looking around the drab room he had called home for six long years.

    In contrast to the previous point, imo, the repetition isn't optimal here. Partly this may be because you just used repetition in the previous paragraph, partly because there's too much of it here. The 'sitting' gets repeated 3 times, and then there's the 'rest' repeated twice that I probably wouldn't even have noticed lest there already was the repeating of the 'sitting'. (Made me sensitive to all repetition =P)

    Might I suggest some rewording?
    You could finetune this by removing the second notion of it, so the emphasis moves to the end of the paragraph, giving the 'six long years' more weight.
    Eg.
    'He had been sitting alone in his room for nearly three hours now, ever since Ken had told him to go rest up for the next morning. Luca found the concept of sleep laughable now though, and didn't believe he would catch any. So, he just continued to sit still, looking around the drab room he had called home for six long years.'
    Note that I also removed the other instance of 'rest' to put the weight on repeating the 'sitting' not on the 'resting'.
    Feel free to use or ignore!

    3)
    quote:

    Not any longer though, for now he was going home. He was going back to the land of his childhood; back to the land that had robbed him of all he had ever loved. He was going back to Nightfallen,

    This only my personal preference, but repeating the 'was going back' this many times seems like overdoing it. Furthermore, you are repeating very nondescriptive words - 'was' and 'going' - that aren't the most illustrative ones around, so it drags this paragraph down a notch, imo.

    One possible way to cut some of the repetition out could be to merge the first two sentences:
    'Not any longer though, for now his was going home; back to the land of his childhood, back to the land that had robbed him of all he had ever loved. He was going back to Nightfallen,...'
    You could also replace the 'was going' with 'was returning' if you want to use a stronger verb than 'going.'
    'Not any longer though, for now his was destined to return home; back to the land of his childhood, back to the land that had robbed him of all he had ever loved. He was returning to Nightfallen,...'
    Don't know if this suggestion messes up your style, though... Perhaps its purpose is to just give you some ideas

    4)
    quote:

    Luca allowed himself a small, sad smile.
    ...
    Luca gave another sad smile as he regarded the darkening horizon.

    Again my personal opinion only, but when describing these kinds of little gestures, it could be worthwhile to reword the description to be more distinctively different, if one is repeating the exact same gesture/expression in the same scene.
    Because now this two sentences seem so alike, both even starting with the same subject, Luca.

    Eg: In the ending, you could write:
    'As Luca regarded the darkening horizon, another sad smile crept to his lips.'
    Just a suggestion, though.

    5)
    quote:

    Despite all the time that had passed, Luca still remembered well the night that had robbed him of his family and home.

    Uhm, I'm sorry if I sound overly harsh here, but this seems like a huge understatement, in my honest opinion. Of course he remembers that night well. The splendid description you provide after this is vivid enough to make this sentence sound totally off, we are now experiencing the death of his family! Imho, 'to remember well' would fit better to describe his reminiscing of the name of a casual acquaintance.

    How does the memory haunt him? Does it torture him? Weigh heavily on his mind? You could describe him flinching as the memories comes back yet again, for example, thus showing us that he /does/ remember, and that the memory is utterly painful to him.

    6)
    quote:

    Luca looked straight into her lightless, blue eyes; those eyes that would forever be opened;

    Just a suggestion, if you want to use a stronger verb than 'to be' here: 'stay' and 'remain' would fit in here equally well, imo.

    7)
    quote:

    Glass shattered and tore at his skin, drawing angry lines of read on his face and hands.

    Just a typo, I think. 'red'

    8)
    quote:

    He stood wearily, the fires of pain briefly overwhelming his mind.

    Not 100% sure, but shouldn't this be 'stood up' ?

    9)
    quote:

    When he looked up, the werewolf was trying to tare through the same window that he had come through, the considerably larger beast only managing to stick its head and one flailing arm through.

    The word 'through' gets repeated here a lot. Also, since it's pretty obvious what window we are talking about, you actually could remove that bolded part, imo.

    10)
    quote:

    In his fear bridled mind, The twisted forms of Nightfallen trees loomed up threateningly,

    Me suspects 'fear-bridled' is a compound modifier and thus needs a hyphen. Also, there's a typo: uncapitalization of the 'T' is needed. =P

    11)
    quote:

    Yes, Luca remembered all to well that night six years ago.

    Just a typo: 'too'
    Also, if you end up modifying the 'remembering well' sentence I nagged about previously, you might want to do a little edit to this, too.


    That's all I got for now. I hope at least some of this will be useful to you and even more I hope I didn't overdo this criqueing... Do note me if I did!
    DF  Post #: 22
    6/11/2009 20:30:34   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    I always look forward to your butchering, fabula, it gets me off my lazy butt, and then back on it to stress over my writings. So please, continue to butcher and maim my story, I'm always grateful to have someone to give their opinions.

    And yes, I repeated alot of things. Someimes I tried it for 'enhancing the mood,' and sometimes it was just common human error. I don't think either worked out well enough, so I will just put your helpful opinions to use and start the editing. I do, however, intend to try and change it around from your version of things, just to keep it my own.

    Thanks again!
    Post #: 23
    6/12/2009 3:41:31   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    No update? We had a race to chapter 20.

    Anyways, you still missed some dialogue errors:

    Prologue:
    quote:

    "Vincent... Vincent... Vincent..." said the pale man with the mad cackle


    Chapter 1:
    quote:

    "That's Corvo." said Lugosi with a smile.

    quote:

    "Your friend knows a deal when he sees one." said Lugosi to Faolan.

    quote:

    "You should really take yours off." Faolan replied levelly.

    quote:

    "This looks like a safe bet." said Faolan, holding up the paper


    Chapter 2:
    quote:

    "I know, master." replied Luca blandly.

    quote:

    "That was a clever tactic, though." he said with a smile.


    Well, there are more. To find them, either reread... or press Ctrl + F then type ."

    Hmm... why didn't I think of that? I could've missed one. Ah well

    typo on chapter 4:

    quote:

    Already all escape routs had been covered, and if they moved fast enough

    you lack an e :)
    AQ DF  Post #: 24
    6/22/2009 19:59:09   
    UrufuHiken
    Creative!


    Yes, yes, I know. We had a race... I think I am gunna lose.

    But I will be back and updating eventually. It will just be a little while before I can find the time to update: I'll also make those corrections later.
    Post #: 25
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