RE: Bballman23's Works


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10/29/2008 17:18:15

Baker
Member

@Lillyheart:

1) I believe that "they" works there. Maybe it's an old / primarily spoken way of saying that, but I think it sounds more sophisticated worded like that.
2) Think that works as well... Kind of like a slap in the face, but instead of a thud in the fence.
3) Ah, yeah, it's the baseball term for rounds / periods (nine innings in the game, with three outs to each inning). Sorry about that. I could clarify it, but am a bit afraid that will mess up the voice. What do you think?

I'm probably going to write another one, yes. When the little league draft (player choosing) rolls around again, I'm going to sit in the corner of the room and take notes on all the happenings for a similar story. Apparently that process is funny as well.

One question for you: What does "ajected" mean? My computer's dictionary and Safari don't seem to know what it means, and I could only find usages of the words rather than definitions with Google.

@Crimzon:
Ah, good point. That's another baseball saying: we call the opening game, regardless of what time it happens, "Opening Day". I've changed the second sentence to "This is the opening day (or night, as the case may be) of little...". It should help clear up non-fans' confusion, and might be amusing to those that know about the term "opening day".

Thanks to the both of you for reading and commenting. :)

Post #: 26

11/10/2008 18:11:49

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

It's been long since.
This time, I'm here to comment on The Real World

First, I have to confess that I have no knowledge on Tim O'Brien. Hence, I might err in commenting some stylistic preferences without knowing that they are there because you were supposed to employ his style in writing.

Anyways, to teh butchering!

1) As a whole, it is a nice piece, it stays within its format, so to speak, is consistent with its style and is quite easy and very pleasurable to read. There were some sentences that rose above the others in sense of impact and beauty. I try to point those favourites of mine as I type the line-on-line stuff below. As a general comment, I'd have to say that I was little bothered by your extensive usage of the word 'and' Is this something that Mr O'Brien does or did you do it unintentionally? I'll point out those sentences as well, where, in my opinion, the ands are unneccessarily abundant.

2)

quote:

One of our two leaders, Rusty was your typical tree-hugging, nature-loving dude.

Not sure if there should be a comma between those two words. It feels like it, but... Please check.

3)The third paragraph of the story is huge. Even though it tells the background and hence one could easily reason that it should be only one paragraph, I still think you might as well reason out the separation and end up with a more easier-to-read-sized blocks. I'd suggest you'd chop it in two between these sentences:

quote:

I was going, like it or not. And go I did.

It's, of course, your call.

4)

quote:

It was the first day of our first trip into the wilderness, and I was already completely miserable. My parents sent me on this “wonderful” three-week trip because we had a credit from several years before. My sister had gone on the trip, but had to leave early because of severe burns she received while boiling water. I strongly resented the fact that I had to go on a trip that she had signed up for while she went to debate camp, something she enjoyed.

Imo, the word 'trip' get repeated here way too often.
I'd suggest to change the first one with 'journey' and leave the second as it is. The third one could be replaced with 'it.' If you like, you could also add one word at the start of that sentence to create the tiniest of transitions:
'Initially, my sister had gone on it, '
The fourth one could be left as it is or you could edit more a tad more resentment to it by changing it to 'I had to go on such a tedious trip'
Or, to kill off the repeating structure 'to go on a trip', you could rephrase:
'I had to participate on such a boring pastime'
Or
'I had to languish on such a tedious trip'
You are free to take your pick, if you choose to change that. =P

5)

quote:

using the same logic above as well as some less... mature tactics, but nothing worked.

I'm loving that 'some less... mature tactics'
Good indirect way to give the reader a taste of the nature of the tactics used =P

6)

quote:

And go I did. This was my first day in the wild, and I decided I’d had enough. I told Rusty that I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t belong there, and I was only there because my sister couldn’t come back and we wanted to use the credit.

Too many 'and's here, imo. Might be just me, though. I have nothing against the first 'and' even though some claim one should avoid starting sentences with it. That's fine. It could be: 'Thus, go I did,' but depending on the readers' preferences, it may not sound as natural.
I don't know if there's much you can do about the last two 'and's without extensive rewording. But since you already told that 'this was my first day' at the beginning of the chapter, you could reword the second sentence, ridding you off that 'and':
'Already during this first day in the wild, I decided I'd had enough.'

7)

quote:

I grimaced and bore it for the next several days, and was soon filthy, hungry (I refused to eat most of the offered food), and thoroughly exhausted.

This is also quite a cluster of 'and's. I apologise for ranting again about the same subject.
Here's a suggestion if you decide against them small words:
'I grimaced, baring it for the next several days that soon turned me filthy, hungry (I refused to eat most of the offered food), and thoroughly exhausted.'

8)

quote:

After that, we would begin to walk down from the mountains and to our waiting van, and through it what I thought of as the real world.

More of those funny little words making me crazy. Or maybe I am already =P
Anyways, here's another suggestion:
'After that, we would begin to walk down from the mountains to meet our waiting van that would carry us back to what I thought of as the real world.'

9)

quote:

We began early in the morning, and for a time the hike was just like any other.

I was wondering why do you refer to 'any other hike' here when you could refer to the preceding days on the same journey?

10)

quote:

The sharp sensations in my lungs and lower body heightened all my senses, and the combined stench of fifteen filthy people suddenly washed over me.

I like this part. Bringing up the other senses amplifying and overwhelming what is the norm enhance quite nicely the feel of physical ordeal.

11)

quote:

I gasped as a stitch stabbed me in the side and quickly threw my hand on the spot and applied pressure.

My last rant on 'and's when it comes to this story, I promise... Imho, if you changed the last part of this to '...threw my hand on the spot to apply pressure' you would be give to goal to the action of moving the hand instead of just listing consecutive actions. However, what I tried to imply in the beginning, if this change would be against the style you were after, then just ignore me.

12)

quote:

We were so close to the top now that I could almost feel the rush of relief that inaction would bring at the end of the hike, and I would not stop now. I could not break now, not when victory was so near and the rest of the group raggedly continued. The first of us reached the top, and I heard the sighs of release and the crash of packs dropping to the earth.

Beware of the nitpicky comments =P :
Since 'sighs of release' sounds a bit odd to me, I'd suggest 'sighs of relief.' But then again, you just used that word two sentences away. So, how about 'sighs of bliss'? Or are you going after 'sighs of lifted weight'?
Also, 'to the ground/crust' would somehow sound better here since my flawed sense of the English language makes me think 'to the earth' would warrant a bit longer drop... I suspect that it's possibly only me though =P

13)
You painted the whole scenery with vivid imagery in front of me with the last paragraph!
My favourite sentences were the two first ones and the one with the wind.

However, there lurked one sentence that I have a problem with:

quote:

Clearings opened up in the distance to reveal springs steadily gushing and peaceful lakes.

The word order comes across a bit odd to me here. I'm mixing up the gushing with peaceful now... Why not 'steadily-gushing springs and peaceful lakes?'
Yeah, I have to admit, it's less poetical that way.

That's all, I think, I had in mind about this for now.
Hope these comments helped and not all of it wasn't in total contrast with the O'Brien-style =P

DF	Post #: 27

11/17/2008 1:24:19

Baker
Member

Woah, did not see that there was a comment here. Edits all done!

1) Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. :) Hm, no, the constant usage of “and” was not one of my goals in the story. O’Brien does use heavy repetition (which I did a bit), including that of “and”, but I didn’t consciously set out to repeat that word. I'm glad you've pointed that out.

2) I think it works without a comma there. The “one of our two leaders” is modifying “Rusty” rather than “Rusty” renaming “one” (or, at least, that was the intention).

3) I completely agree. Those (now two) paragraphs relate to the background, but the subjects pretty distinct. The original story in Word actually has a break there, but I guess when I transferred it here and changed the format it lost that. Thanks for pointing it out.

4) Good point. I changed the first and third usages, but left the fourth one in solely because I think the changes you suggested are a bit too complex for the voice at that moment. I also added in italics I have in the document (I apparently fail at transferring things) that give the speaker more of a whining tone.

5) Hehe, thanks. Never immature, just maybe a little less mature every now and then. :P

6) Also true. It’s funny what you don’t notice when you’re the writer! I changed things around and removed two of the “and”’s, which I think makes it much better. I agree with you on the first usage… It’s a transition, so I think it’s fine there (plus, it’s a narrative; I get to blow off grammar when I feel like it). It’s now the following:

quote:

And go I did. Although this was only my first day in the wild, I decided I’d had enough. I told Rusty that I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t belong there, and I was only there because my sister couldn’t come back to use the credit.

7) Changed. Please, don’t worry about "ranting". If it’s a problem, it needs to be fixed! I changed the second half of the sentence to remove that “and”, and I like how using an action verb there removes that “was”, but I left the first part because I like the little play I have there. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard it, but an expression I commonly hear is “grin and bear it”. By saying “grimaced and bore it”, I tried to put a little spin on that. If nothing else, I find it amusing. ;)

8) Mhm, another good one. Done!

9) Also a good point. Changed to “the hike was just like the ones before it”.

10) Thanks! Including all five senses was a goal of the assignment, so I did my best!

11) Fix’d.

12) I like “lifted weight there”. I had meant to imply the release from the struggle and the strain on their muscles, and that new wording works better. Changed the second to “ground”, too. I think "earth" works there definition-wise as well, but it does seem to have the connotation of a longer distance.

13) Glad you like it! I tried to make the end a sharp contrast with the complaining that dominates most of the rest of the story, figuring that would help drive home the message and final realization. Changed that sentence to your suggestion. It is a bit less poetic, I agree, but it’s less confusing. We don’t want the reader having to reread part of the ending and mess up the flow!

They helped a lot! Thanks again (I feel like this is all I say to you :P). I don’t think they go against the style too much, and I don’t really care if they do anyway. It’s my story now, not my teacher’s!

EDIT: New essay up! Handism: A Completely Objective Observation. It's a humorous (but totally true :P) persuasive essay written about one of the prejudices present in today's society and throughout history.

< Message edited by Bballman23 -- 11/17/2008 1:37:05 >

Post #: 28

11/20/2008 1:04:19

Firefly
Lore-ian

I read The Noble War last night, and I've been too tired to leave a comment for it until now. Due to issues of time and the fact that my critiques seem to take longer than the actual writing, I'll try to leave a quicker general overview thing. ;)

Btw, congratz again on the WotM win! Think of this comment as a little present. ;)

I really loved the concept of The Noble War. Objectively, this is because the theme is powerful and realistic. Loved your point of how they are fighting for something that they themselves have forgotten the reason of. Sometimes, you chase something for so long that you've forgotten why you're even chasing it... *gets back on topic* And I like how you portray war as something so illogical, so worthless, so deadly. Subjectively, this is because I'm currently hooked on the retell method and because, for short stories, what I care about most is theme (not character/plot/description like I evaluate in novels...)

Your writing is very clear and it has a certain hook to it. I actually intended to only read a part of it last night and ended up reading it all, lol. Good work on capturing my attention and holding it.

For a few useful comments and suggestions (all my opinion, of course)... Hmm, I agree completely with Fabula. The thing about Boone just really didn't fit, imo. While it is a good way of capturing the attention, I feel like you're not delivering what you're promising, if you get my drift. I think that, while a "Bang!" beginning is good, it's only effective if it fits in with the rest of the story. For example, someone can open a story with "I walked down the altar towards the elephant in the black tuxedo--the animal soon to be my husband." And then, pages later, the reader finds out that that was only a dream in order to get them reading... Extreme example, but imo, the Boone part and its relation to the rest of the story was a bit of a letdown. I kept waiting for the story to shift back to talking about Boone and his personal involvement, and it never happened... Umm, I suggest you try one of the following (if you agree, of course):

1. Change some parts into Boone's POV in the retelling.
2. Take out Boone and start with a general view of the battleground, with the bodies piled up and stuff.
3. Take out Boone and start with the POV of, say, Cornelius gazing out into the battlefield. That creates a sense of eye-catchy focus without having to change the rest of the story /too/ much since Cornelius is already important enough.

You have a very good grasp on grammar and vocabulary. Your writing is clear and formulated nicely, which I really enjoyed. The only extremely technical comment I have is that, in one part of the retell, you did a sudden tense shift from past to present in a few paragraphs. I'm not sure if this is intentional, but it kinda threw me off. Lemme see if I can find it... Ah, here it is!

quote:

North, out of the kingdom and through the peaceful forests, over the gurgling brooks and the invisible line that separated the two states, and into another world of harshness. Villages and towns dotting the countryside, usually a peaceful area, thrown into great turmoil and chaos by another cruel lord. A royal official - garbed in finery - leads a contingent of soldiers into the town square of one such village, walking with the confidence of someone who is absolutely sure of his power. As he makes his way through the crowds of townspeople enjoying the cool night air, a hush breaks out and all merriment is extinguished. People crane their necks to follow the movement of the man and his escort, and faces become drawn as they catch sight of the official-looking paper in clutched in his fist. Only the bubbling of the town fountain and the clack of the official's boots on the uneven stones interrupt the silence. He strolls up to the town signpost and holds the paper up to the wood as a soldier comes forward with a small hammer and nails. The pair secures the announcement to the pole, turn on their heels, and stroll out of the silent square.

As they depart, a general murmur arises from the assembled citizens. Several rush forward and read the announcement aloud, horror in their voices:

"By order of the blessed Duke Schuyler, all able-bodied men between the ages of fourteen and sixty are to report to a royal authority in the next three days. All men will bring whatever weapons currently in their possession when reporting, as well as sufficient clothing to fulfill their needs for the next year of service in the armies of His Highness. Those that fail to do as ordered and are discovered will be arrested and brought before an agent of the duke, their punishment to be determined by him."

Anger and indignation breaks out in the crowd, men openly cursing the duke, this war, and their poor luck. However, what the people do not realize is that the scene is common throughout the nation.

(the rest of the last paragraph goes back to past tense)

In terms of the actual writing, most of my objections are stylistic. Overall, it's wonderfully written and grammatically well-polished, though I think it sometimes gets a bit wordy. For example:

quote:

However, what the people do not realize is that the scene is common throughout the nation.

Imo, many words here are unnecessary. I suggest: "However, the people do not realize the scene is common throughout the nation." or something. Not the greatest example, but it's one that I remember from last night's reading.

Hmm, I think there's one plot/continuity flaw. I think you say earlier that:

quote:

The exact cause of the struggle – why the possession and conquering of the land of Merritt had become so important an objective – had been lost to history as the war dragged on.

This seems to contrast stuff later on such as:

quote:

“Agreed. It is by this code that I shall regain the lost land of Merritt, unfairly given to your ancestors by Charles – also my great-great-grandfather.”

And:

quote:

“I fight for the land of Merritt. The territory that the first duke of your land was granted after the split of Charles’ great empire into the current kingdom and duchy that exist today,” Cornelius imperiously explained.

I think I get that you're saying he thinks the land was given but doesn't know why regaining is so important, but I feel that these things aren't contrasting enough to seem, well, clear. I feel that the regaining thing is all the reason he needs. And he then talks about how good the land is, hence why it's important. Imo, I think the theme that he doesn't know what he's fighting for is good. I suggest you change it to simply him saying he needed the land. Maybe go as far as taking out the "regaining" stuff and just leaving it at how he heard the land was good land and needed to be taken. Or... ugh, I can't think properly. Sorry, bad suggestion. Maybe simply take out the stuff about how he doesn't know why he is fighting, because it seems like /he/ knows (or thinks he does) while no one else knows. Am I making any sense, lol?

Anyways, I really can't think of anything else to say. Overall, excellent work! You've done a great job at capturing the essence of war and your writing techniques are very clear and powerful. I really enjoyed reading this and I hope at least some of my comments are helpful.

_____________________________

AQ	Post #: 29

11/25/2008 0:54:08

Baker
Member

:o Thanks for commenting, FF! I don't have time at the moment to make the changes needed, but I wanted to post to let you know that I saw the post! Our last day of school before break is tomorrow, so I should have more than enough time to read over your comments and fiddle with the story.

In other news, I have two new poems up, which can be found here. One is a two-voice poem, and the other a pantoum (hooray for studying form poetry). Please let me know what you think. :)

Post #: 30

5/16/2009 20:21:31

Baker
Member

Aha, and I'm back posting things! I haven't had time to do any writing outside of poems for creative writing, meaning I have nothing new on the narrative end of things, but I have posted several more poems (I've yet to get any comments on my poetry... I know you, the reader, want to be first! :P). All of my poems can be found in my poetry thread, and my epic poem (one of the new ones) is here.

I still haven't applied the edits Firefly was so nice to suggest, which I feel terrible about (part of the reason why I haven't been posting new things actually). I shall get there eventually, though... I think the main thing deterring me is that hers will require a fair amount of reworking. This means that they're much more important to the story than just typos, I know, but for some reason I'm just reluctant to go back to the story and do so. I gave a copy of the story to my Creative Writing teacher a while back (around the time of FF's comment) and she still hasn't gotten back to me with comments, but once she does I promise promise I'll apply both her and FF's edits.

On another, more positive, note, we got the results back from the Scholastic Writing Awards, and my Little League story won a Silver Key in the Short Short Story category. Yay! :D

Post #: 31

5/26/2009 9:46:17

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

I can't find it, if Merlet has its own comment thread, so I'll post this here.

Well, I can't make any comparisons to Hamlet myself; unfortunately, though I desire to, I have been reading other things and have never read it. However, I have read both the Illiad and the Odyssey, so I can compare yours to those in some ways. Your style (invoking the Muse, the Odyssey's frequent theme of cunning-over-strength, and food at times representing gluttony and debauchery) is certainly reminiscent of those poems. In addition, you keep with the tradition of them in that the hero is a goddess' son- oh, those wild and crazy gods- and that they commonly interfere with the affairs of mortals. Nice touch, putting in the gods and goddesses of the forums into your poem! Those made me chuckle whenever I read them. In addition, I like some of the wording which you have implemented into the story. The simile of a hush being like a vulture who was sinking its talons into the minds of the gods was very descriptive.

The plot was both exciting and gripping; very well-done. The ending in particular was a twist which I had not foreseen- excellent conclusion! I appreciate how the hero wins at times- such as against the Pheron- not through force-of-arms, but rather through cunning and logic. One thing which I would like would be for you to add in how he defeated the previous two eldritch adversaries, but it works without such a description. Very enjoyable epic you have written.

A couple of questions: is the name to be pronounced "Mehr/Muhr-let," like in Hamlet, or "Mehr/Murh-lay," such as it would be in French? And, have you ever played the fourth Elder Scrolls game, Oblivion? I ask this because the Pheron is reminiscent of the secret, invisible monster, the Uderfrykte Matron (which, if you look at it in the Construction Set, is hairy and two-legged) except that it lives in a forest, not in an icy mountain.

The only qualm that I had with the story was the flow. It wasn't bad, so to speak, but it seemed random to me. This is free verse, so this is fine, but you might consider making some of the lines more similar in length. However, this is only my personal taste- and honestly, I think I'm a tad biased toward structured verse- so it is of course your decision.

Proofreading
"Post" here means not counting your introductory post, just the ones that are the story itself.

Second post, sixth verse, fifth line: You seem to have run two lines together here, or else you unnecessarily capitalized "Scraps."

Third post, second verse, sixth line: Though grammatically correct in prose, since you are capitalizing the beginning of every line, even when that would not be grammatically correct in prose, I'm not sure whether you intended to leave this lowercase. But since you have left all-but-one of the other parenthetical lines lowercase (the one in question is, of course, correct even in prose), I think that you did so purposefully.

Fourth post, seventh verse, eighth and ninth lines: Are you saying here that it would be resolved absolutely, finally, and perhaps in his favor, or that it would be resolved absolutely, and finally in his favor? You might want to make this a bit more clear. Unless you intended for it to be taken both ways, in which case it's fine as-is.

Eighth post, twelfth verse, fifth line: You seem to have run two lines together here, or else you unnecessarily capitalized "Bread."

Post #: 32

5/30/2009 12:50:00

Baker
Member

Awesome, I'm glad you liked it! The idea was to capture all of the usual elements of an epic poem, so I tried to fit in epic similes (I like the vulture one too, actually), overused epithets, the invocation, interference of the gods, cunning and strength, etc. Adding the other two of the Four is probably a good idea, but I decided at the time that that would make it even more absurdly long. My original idea was for there to be five, but that got cut down as I saw how long the poem was. I'd also actually forgotten that I used Eukky's (and any others? Don't think so...) name in the poem. I'm awful at creating names. XD

The pronunciation I had it mind was more like Hamlet, simply inserting the first half of the name "Merritt" for the "Ham. Thus, "Mare-let". I don't really like the title, though. >.> I just don't know what else it could be. Hmm... I think I actually have that game on my computer, but I've never gotten far enough to face that monster.

I agree with you about the flow - I'm sure it's a bit choppy. What I'm not sure, though, is how epic poems are usually constructed. I just wrote mine like a narrative that looked somewhat like a poem and was (hopefully) more descriptive and poetic than prose (suppose that's what free verse is!). Next time I see my creative writing teacher I'll ask here if there is a way to make it more structured.

Thanks for taking the time to read the whole thing, CF! Many snugs. :P

Now on to the fixes...

1) Done! Yeah, I think copy and pasting did that too me, since it naturally ran to the next line in Word and I didn't add in the break.

2) Sure, makes sense; I'm all for consistency. Capitalized!

3) You're right, that is a bit confusing. I meant to imply that it's always a draw of sorts, so I changed it to "... their feud would finally be resolved, perhaps..." More clear for sure.

4) Yep, same thing as the first one. Changed.

< Message edited by Bballman23 -- 5/30/2009 13:03:55 >

Post #: 33

6/28/2009 8:36:52

Z
Fiat Lux

(Late) congratulations on AiT-ship, Bball! I was reading some of the L&L works in the Other Literary Art section and came across "Handism". I've read some similar articles on the topic of left-handed people before, but compared to them, I like yours more for it talks about the subject from various angles. I never knew about "dogleg" and "dogleg left" before, for instance.

A couple of changes that you might want to make:

1. "If we were to write as the Chinese do – top-to-bottom, left-to-right – " The Chinese write from right to left, slightly favoring left-handed people. I have written Chinese calligraphy before, and depending on the paper, the ink and the brush strokes, the ink might not dry as quickly as one would like. Like most right-handed calligraphy amateurs, after the first few calligraphy lessons, I always had black ink marks left on my hand.

2. "Finally, let's (or me) talk about golf." I might be nitpicking here, but I find the "(or me)" rather strange with "let's" being a contraction. Would the paragraph start more smoothly if it was changed to "Finally, let us (or me) talk about golf."?

Post #: 34

7/6/2009 18:10:43

Baker
Member

Thanks, Z! I'm glad you liked the essay; it was fun to write, and I think the reason it's from lots of different angles is that I waste time thinking about all the examples when I should be doing other things. XD Knowing you, though, you saw me post in Guides recently and tracked me here! I do the same: we're both chronic lurkers (I blame Goofy). :P

On to the changes...

1. Aha, I'm caught; that one was totally un-researched and just something I thought of. Thanks for pointing it out. Changed to the below (also fixed some odd tenses that I used).

quote:

If we were to write as the Chinese do – top-to-bottom, right-to-left (actually favoring lefties; the Chinese are wise) – the ink of the first several words would dry by the time the writer reached the top of the page again, and neither lefties nor righties would smear as they continued to write.

2. Good idea on that change... I think fabula or someone brought its awkward-ness up in the past, but for some reason I didn't think of that solution (I think I was reluctant to put "let us" there because there's another one in a close-by paragraph, but I'm not sure). Fixed.

Thanks for the congrats and the C&C, Z. :D

Post #: 35

7/12/2009 21:31:40

Baker
Member

I'm at Creative Writing camp at the University of Iowa, and as a result I've had nothing to do but write! It's great. I've posted a couple of things that I've done while I'm here, and I'm sure I'll have more by the end of the camp on Saturday. I've also finally gotten to reworking The Noble War, and I now know where I want to take the story. If anyone's interested, the plan is first to develop and carry Alexander Boone throughout, telling the story through his eyes more than from a neutral point of view. I'm also going to rework the end, as my fellow campers suggested in workshop: it's either going to be totally serious and I'll cut out some of the sillier things the opposing lords say, or it's going to be more ridiculous and more of a satire. I'm so glad to finally be paying attention to it again. :D

Other pieces of mine will also be getting reworked over time, as I really like a piece of advice my instructor (Sarah Fay of the Paris Review) gave me. She said I should focus on being either serious or joking in my essays and the like, which she says I didn't really do in the handism or little league stories. Good advice for the future, and I'll try to improve my current stuff (and probably mess it all up...).

Anyway, more interestingly, new things up thus far:
See the ball, throw the ball, hit the ball - An essay about baseball and its many complexities. I still have a bit of work to do on the essay, but it's already vastly better than the first draft and I'm pretty happy with it.

Come Again? - Read the summary at your own risk! I suggest that you read it after reading the story.

spoiler:

A semi-true story about the second coming of Jesus (XD). I saw the guy in the story at the cafeteria here in Iowa, and couldn't help but think that he could be Jesus. This is a flash fiction piece, so is purposely short and (hopefully) punchy, but I can add more if beneficial. Flash fiction is something new to me, and I like it because it doesn't take all the time and concentration that a full-fledged short story does; I hope to write more over time, as they fun and easy to write and read.

< Message edited by Bballman23 -- 7/14/2009 13:40:40 >

Post #: 36

7/13/2009 12:20:23

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hai Thar!
(sorry, I really should stop checking the lolcat-sites.... XP)

I read Come Again? That was fun! I don't know how constructive my comments will be as Flash Fiction is a relative stranger to me. Anyways, I liked the rhythm of the story, the style fitted the contents: the little hassle the guy was creating, pacing to and fro.

One comment on details:

1)

quote:

I assumed his feet would get wet after a while, but, curiously enough, his feet remained totally dry and he didn’t change his walk.

If you want to keep the count of words at minimum, I think you could take that out, since it's not really needed, or is it? The walking over and across the puddle is made clear in the previous sentence, and all these words aren't really adding on the description, imho. Unless, of course, you want to keep the length of the sentences on the slightly longer side for pacing reasons.

My only "complaint" would be that for this kind of piece, I would have actually preferred to read the story first and only then the description. Of course, I first read your post in this thread, and thus the backstory you gave spoiled the ending a little. It's not a big thing, really, but what do you think of adding advice to read the story first and the longer description only afterwards? It's such a short piece, that a minimal explanation would maybe work equally well as an incentive to read it?

Thanks for sharing, and... I'll be waiting for Mr Boone to reappear. =P

Happy camping!

DF	Post #: 37

7/14/2009 13:38:22

Baker
Member

ohai! XD

Glad you liked it; thanks for reading as always. I'll take out that bit. I was trying to make it clear that he could walk over the water and didn't even notice he was doing so, but if you already got that point I can definitely cut.

D: Sorry about spoiling it for you! I'll put that in spoiler tags so people only read it after the story. /me wipes fabula's brain and has her reread

He will be back! Thanks again, fabula. Without you my thread would just be me talking to myself. :P

< Message edited by Bballman23 -- 7/14/2009 13:39:00 >

Post #: 38

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