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Gwoon's House of Rhyme Worship NEW:Fearful symmetry

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6/25/2008 18:32:34   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 Hi,

The goofy writer knows his way around rhyme too, or so he seems to believe.
Here's a bunch of poems, and some lyrics, too:

Gwoonjustin's House of Rhyme Worship

Feel free to comment.

Anything new will be mentioned and it's post will be linked to.

List of poems so far:
The hourglass, Uncertainty
Grace and Disgrace, The Way of Life
Fireborne, Nameless (both songs)
Bananas, A Little Less
My Final Day, For No Appearant Reason
The Pen, Remorse No More
The Gun, Tainted aubade to the beautiful Calliope and her sisters
The sixteen haiku’s of two lovers and the demons and angels in their midst’s
Ponderings of a saturated soul
Fearful symmetry

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 9/30/2008 12:54:02 >
AQ  Post #: 1
6/26/2008 12:54:52   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 New Poem: The Gun.

Please don't take this as a political statement against or in favor of any war in particular, feel free to interpret as you please.
AQ  Post #: 2
6/26/2008 17:50:19   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

I wouldn't have even considered it to be about any war, lest there be your disclaimer in the above post.

I interpreted it more like a stubborn denial to face anything as it truly is.

About the last line:
quote:

Up to some point…

This is a very subjective point of view, but I would put just one period = point at the end.
Up to some point.
As if 'I have spoken.' More powerful to me that way. Totally your call, as always.
DF  Post #: 3
6/27/2008 12:21:19   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 Interpretation is great; I never even thought of that.

Well, I was going for some doubt here, like all of a sudden comes the realization that the subject may not always be right...
AQ  Post #: 4
6/27/2008 16:17:03   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Oh noes! He's got a new avatar! *gasp*

About the gun... well, I agree with fabula, but I think of it a little different. Excpet for this...

it actually reminded me of myself. Don't know why, and not kiddng either... how odd...
Liked it very muchies! (:

3 words of advice for you:

Keep - Writing - Poetry!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
6/27/2008 16:47:34   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 So, good change, bad change, what? All I'm getting is complete awe, but if no one actually tells me what they think, I can't tell them "thanks for agreing" or "I don't care about your opinion; I'm keeping it"...

That is odd indeed, you might want to do some introspection there and find out what the heck is going on in that head of yours...

Thanks.

Soon, my friend. Very soon indeed.
AQ  Post #: 6
6/28/2008 14:29:12   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 Here you go, my unpleasable fanbase.
*Throws poem and runs away from the feasting*

Tainted aubade to the beautiful Calliope and her sisters
I don't really feel like explaining. A lot of you will misinterpret this to be about creative people and their fans, which is fine, but if you want the initial meaning, just concider the title.
Just forget all this and read it, come up with whatever you want it to be about. As long as you enjoy it, my objective has been succesfully completed.
AQ  Post #: 7
6/28/2008 16:29:44   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

*unpleasable one-man-army fanbase arrives!*

*munches on poem*

ATBO: hmmm... 'twould be tastier with some poet added to it...
*searches for Justin*

I liked, my only complaint is that you rhyme 'poet' with '-it' words in the second verse. Which made me read it twice, now reading poet more like po-it :P

Anyways, I can inform you that your objective has been completed. Mission done. Your reward? As many chocolate coated cookies as you could possible eat!


*throws around cookies*
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 8
6/28/2008 16:32:35   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 *crawls out of cave*

*checks for possible other fans stalking*

*finds none*

*cries*

*binge-eats cookies to deal with emotional pain*

Aaaaaaanyway...
What did you think 'twas about, then?
AQ  Post #: 9
6/28/2008 16:40:12   
~Shade~
Member

An aubade is a poem about two lovers separating at dawn.

I loved it.

Count yourself as having another fan-stalker.

~Shade~
Post #: 10
6/28/2008 16:41:06   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 NOOOOOOOOO!

That was...

That was...

That was too good! Dammit.

...There goes another poet that I thought was my inferior (or at least, started off as my inferior. =P) who is now clearly my superior. I dunno why I even write poety anymore--I mean, I suck at it. Oh, right, I do it to express my mood. I don't do it to seem good...

quote:

Joking:” And he don’t even know it”

Quote should be after the space.

Meh, I interpret it as family relationships. Someone who is annoyed with their family but wants them back after they leave home or something. But that's just me.

_____________________________
AQ  Post #: 11
6/28/2008 16:50:02   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 Sith, I know, I looked that up to see if I could use it. That's not really the literal meaning though. I mean, spending the night with several sisters? I'm just not that kinda guy.

Fret not though, Sith or Fire, I will continue to suck at poetry, it was a mere spur of the moment that suprised even me.
I'd love to make only poems like this, but I'm not sure I can.

Fire: Yes, ma'am, I fixed the teeny-tiny mistake you just couldn't resist spotting *grumbles*.

Arthur: I won't be able to take that out. I set myself the challenge of starting a sheme with AAAA, and this was the only way to handle it...

Thanks all for your kind words of appreciation though.
AQ  Post #: 12
6/28/2008 16:54:58   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 It wasn't kind words. I'm number one poetry butcherer. If I say it's good, it's really good. =P

Even in AAAA, it's best to choose the best rhymes. I've gone through many of my own poems to fix forced rhyming. Trust me, it's easier to change than it looks. I don't have any suggestions atm, sorry.
AQ  Post #: 13
6/28/2008 16:58:34   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 They were words and they were kind. By my book, that's kind words.

I will look at it some more now, though the word poet seems kind of important, thus difficult to replace.

EDIT:

They say: "Poetic webs you knit"
Praise the poems I transmit
I don't like anything I come up with

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 6/28/2008 17:05:02 >
AQ  Post #: 14
6/28/2008 17:14:32   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 Much better. Exactly the type of editing I'm talking about. You have to look at the whole picture, not just at changing singles lines and words in order for it to work in terms of choosing rhymes.
AQ  Post #: 15
6/28/2008 17:18:31   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 I felt "Praise the poems I transmit " allowed the next sentence to still work most, so that's it now.

Everybody happy?
AQ  Post #: 16
7/2/2008 9:31:47   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Yay! *is happy* :P

I just noticed one thing though... isn't a trout (before-last sentence) like... a fish? I just reread it, and I was like... "Huh? Isn't that a fish?" So I looked it up, it is, indeed, a fish. A suckish attempt at a possible change (but knowing you, you'll just keep it the way it is :P): "Don't resist temptation, stay here, be awed."

*The ever poetry hungry ATBO
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 17
7/2/2008 10:41:50   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 I know.

Trout are well known to swim upstream in rivers, where they lay their eggs, to go down again.

Don’t resist temptation, you’re no trout

For trout, it is easier, tempting if you will, to go downstream, and yet they move up, resisting temptation.

Was that too complicated for more people? If so, I'll change it.
AQ  Post #: 18
7/2/2008 13:31:26   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Nah... it's good. I guess I just forgot about that :P Stupid me XD
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 19
7/11/2008 16:53:59   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 New series of haiku's:
The sixteen haiku’s of two lovers and the demons and angels in their midst’s
This may need some explaination, so here it is:

The Haiku series explores the insicurities of those in a state of inftuation, by the use of the Seven Deadly Sins, and their opposing virtues.
I realise I failed to meet some standarts that are to be met in order to achieve a traditional haiku, but I assure you, none of these were my intention.

Enjoy!


< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 7/11/2008 16:54:25 >
AQ  Post #: 20
7/12/2008 7:14:14   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Feel free to ignore the one paragraph below. I was just thinking about the essence of haikus and tankas last night and therefore felt obliged to blurt this out...

Yes, you've already warned about not meeting the standards of a traditional haiku. It's not just the imagery, but also the philosophical thought about life that should be included. On the other hand, it's occasionally fun and useful to break some of the constrictions and twist the traditions to serve a new purpose. But are they haikus anymore when the only constriction left is the count of the syllables, which now ties the poems to the Western tradition: to the tradition that poems are related to music, not to the visionary arts like the traditional haikus? On the other hand, how Japanese the seven deadly sins are... =P

OK, now I have that out of my system...

Hmm, why does the desire/physical aspects of love always get showed to the Lucifer's side? Yes, I understand that you are exploring the trad. seven deadly sins here, which do have lust on their list, I just wanted to mention this.

I have a suggestion about one line in the first poem:
quote:

Pure love conjures a tension

Did you consider replacing the 'a' with 'up'? It feels a bit less of a full stop to me, imHo.

A line from the third poem:
quote:

What you see-is just a frame

Shouldn't that be 'it's'?

From Temperantia:
quote:

All good things come slow
In portions it is stronger
There’s always enough

Since she's so patient and moderating, I think there would be time for some commas here... Have you considered pausing this poem with them a little? Just to annoy and tease the reader?


Praises:
Well, it was one heck of a busride! And well worth the wait; I enjoyed tremendously reading it. It even inspired me to write in the middle of the night, it tampered with my breathing , etc, etc
Good job, my friend!
DF  Post #: 21
7/12/2008 8:58:07   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 True. But what should I call them then?

16 poem-like scribblings each concisting of 5-7-5 syllables?

About Lucifer: For the names of the demons I used a list on wikipedia (Sure, not really reliable, but I decided to trust em for now):
* Lucifer: pride
* Mammon: greed
* Asmodeus: lust
* Leviathan: envy
* Beelzebub: gluttony
* Satan/Amon: wrath
* Belphegor: sloth
Using Amon in stead of satan to not use too common a name.
The names of the virtues are all just the virtues themselfs, except:
Saint Humility was actually a saint.
Ayyūb is known in the Qur'an as a symbol of patience. Yep, I dragged in Islam too.
This painting is called Temperentia, the name used for temperance

Don't like that, sorry. Sticking with 'a'.

No. The idea was the first part of that line is included in the line above it and the following words. Like this:
Both: Are you sure you like what you see
And: What you see is just a frame

I kinda like it more like this. There's a pause after each line, I think that's enough.
Funny, by the way, how we turn the main person into our own sex; I was thinking of it as a male. I think that's why the 'me/you' as opposed to 'he/she' structure worked good here.


Thanks. It was kinda the intention that the reader
spoiler:

assumes the relation to have started, and then it turns out it that the 'me' was still just looking at the 'you'.

I got the 'what kinda crap have I come up with now'-feeling after writing it, but that's kinda gone now. I kinda like it again.
Glad you enjoyed it.(Hope you weren't lying).

A note to any (potential) reader:
The fact that I used sins and virtues does not mean I believe the first to be wrong and the second to be right in every single case. I simply took opposites to depict the doubt.
AQ  Post #: 22
7/12/2008 9:27:17   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

I have no idea, what you should call them. The current version in fine. It just 'ignites' some nitpickers like myself, lol.

With she, I was referring to Temperentia. I'm not telling anybody here about any of my possible assumptions about the genders of 'me' and 'you' in the poem.

I wasn't lying, I was actually mitigating. =P

I also wasn't making any conclusions about your views on right/wrong, I was just saying that some things ended up in the predictable side of the table in the poem...


DF  Post #: 23
7/12/2008 9:52:18   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 I didn't really name them like that with the intention of them being from the title-person's POV, but sure, if that's your cup of tea.

Ok, now you're definitely lying.

I know, I just felt it worth mentioning.
Yeah, it may be predictable... But you liked it, so what does it even matter? If it works, it works.
AQ  Post #: 24
7/12/2008 17:42:08   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Very good, I like 'em! (Even though I can't really say anything, as I don't know the first thing about Haiku's! :P) Again, good job :)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 25
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