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6/26/2008 3:45:01   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Greetings and salutations!

After a good deal of waiting and hoping, finally L&L is back to what it was. No, not what it was, something better. That is all thanks to the effort of Falerin and others, and to commemorate this event, I am reposting my entire story, The Ascension of Kuriaaga no Ajisu.

Plot Synopsis: This story has to do with an alternate timeline of Lore, after which point The'Galin was destroyed, and chaos ensued as a powerful entity from another dimension hoped to take advantage of the situation to install himself as a new god of Lore. Artix stopped him, and the events that followed installed Artix himself as a new god of Lore to replace The'Galin, to rebuild the world and ensured everyone's happiness.

The First Book (To kill a God) follows the events up to the point when the Devourer, The'Galin was destroyed.

Please read and enjoy!
DF  Post #: 1
6/27/2008 12:02:53   
mastin2
Member

Hello, Argeus! Didn't think I forgot about ya, did you? Well, you know I've read, finished, and critiqued chapter ten...so now it's time to get the other nine! :)

quote:

Araku, the old blacksmith rested his head on
I'd put a comma after 'blacksmith'.

quote:

stretching in front of him as far as his age-worn eyes could see was the pinnacle of peace and quietness a man could hope for, wherein cute, puffy and woolly sheep were grazing happily away on the meadow of green grass laced with a multitude colorful butterflies, while the refreshing chirping of early nightingale provided ample entertainment for any artistic soul in the background
*Pants* Too...long...of a...sentence...*dies*

A quick revive later, I'm here to give ya advise on that...

"stretching in front of him as far as his age-worn eyes could see was the pinnacle of peace and quietness a man could hope for. Cute, puffy, and woolly sheep were grazing happily away on the meadow of green grass laced with a multitude of colorful butterflies. The refreshing chirp of early nightingale provided ample entertainment for any artistic soul in the background"


Better, no?


Anyway, I am sorry, but I won't be able to finish this--I'm leaving for an all-week event that only happens once a year. I'll be back late Sunday (which means I might not come 'til Monday, and if it's a bad Monday for me, then I'll have to wait 'til Tuesday) and I'll finish then.

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 13:28:24 >
Post #: 2
6/27/2008 12:40:02   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 11 up! According to plans, there are only 3 chapters left!

List of references in this chapter:

- Harkanne Yarkinn: Named after a Turk footballer that just got in my mind.
- Lilina and Roy: Named after Roy of Pherae and Lilina of Ostia in Fire Emblem VI. While in the original series, they finally ends up as lovers and spouses, in my story they are just siblings.
- Veni, veni, venias; ne me mori facias (Come, come, come here, let me bring you death again): Part of the original Kata Tsubasa no Tenshi lyrics, composed by Nobuo Uematsu.

Notes (especially to Falerin, if he comes across this chapter)

- The negative thoughts of The'Galin in the beginning of the chapter belongs to Sukaku. He is an old man who never goes to the library, and the version of folklore that he knows about the Devourer is twisted according to the Loremaster's standards. Note that he uses the term "The Devourer" very often.

- The negative thoughts of The'Galin in the middle of the chapter belongs to Artix. He knew, but he was maddened. He was too patriotic, too kind and too pure to see evil smudge the face of the land he loves, and can be coaxed into extremities given the right incentive, IMO.

- The negative statement of The'Galin in the end of the chapter belongs to Kuraodo. He is vengeful against the Devourer, reason to be told in the last two chapters, but please don't jump to the conclusion that he is bad/evil/sinister. He is a good man, and an honorable personality whose better judgment had been clouded (I found a pun!) by vengeance.

The moral lesson here is that vengeance is bad, and can turn a kind and gentle soul into a monstrosity who would do whatever it takes to kill his enemy. Falerin, therefore, Kuraodo deserves sympathy rather than spite.
DF  Post #: 3
6/28/2008 16:00:43   
  Master Samak

Productive!
Fallen Leprechaun of L&L


Chapter 1: Limit and Reciprocal

quote:

Sukaku Araku, the old blacksmith rested his head on the pillow, smiling contentedly as he let his gaze on an aimless wander across the fields and meadows, so that they could capture every bit and piece of the traditional beauty of Lorian countryside.

I would put a comma here: "...blacksmith, rested..."

quote:

His smile didn't come without a reason- stretching in front of him as far as his age-worn eyes could see was the pinnacle of peace and quietness a man could hope for, wherein cute, puffy and woolly sheep were grazing happily away on the meadow of green grass laced with a multitude colorful butterflies, while the refreshing chirping of early nightingale provided ample entertainment for any artistic soul in the background.

There should be am "of" -- "...multitude of colorful..." --- And as Mastin2 had said, there is a good possiblilty that you should break up these thoughts into several sentences...

quote:

A short distance away from that perfect harmony was an even more pacific sign- schools of pigeons were there fluttering about the chickens' feeding ground, eating from the same stash of grain as their domesticated cousin in an act of avian brotherhood of the highest order.

You had already mentioned where this was taken place, so I would remove "there".

quote:

His life is wearing away everyday due to his old age, but as long as he could stay in this place for his remaining time, with his nearest and dearest, his life would never be wasteful.

This should be "was", due to the fact that everything should be in the past tense.

quote:

"Grandpa!" a young, high pitched, but very gentle and loving voice unexpectedly sounded right beside the dozing man, and he turned back only to find himself faced by his beloved granddaughter, Lilina.

While he is on his hammock, using "turned back" makes it seem that he was walking away and is doubling back at the sound of the voice. Perhaps using "turned over" or "leaned over" or something like that. What do you think?

quote:

Her purplish hair shone perfectly under the sun, and her deep blue eyes... was an exact replica of her grandmother.

I get what you are trying to say. Firstly, "was" should be "were", but then again they shouldn't. When I read this, I thought he was trailing off distractedly, and then returns to his thoughts. If I may, would it be better to change "was" to "they were an exact replica of her grandmother's"? Just think about it.

quote:

Now that the old smith had outlived his less fortunate spouse, and both his children were far, far away, his granddaughter was his only friend and relative there enjoying the peaceful life with him.

To me, "there" made it seem like a referrance to a place away from where they were. Would "here" work better?

quote:

"Let me see... Is it Maths again?"

I don't think this needs to be capatilized or pluraled. I would change it to just "math".

quote:

"Yes, grandpa, I am not sure about this..."

Writing this as it is makes her seem hesitant about doing something, rather than being unsure about a problem. Maybe adding, "I am not sure about this problem..." or "question" or something to that effect. Just a thought...

quote:

On the sheet of paper as rosy white as his grandchild's cheek, lay a mathematical question that he didn't expect to see, "What is the limit of 1/x^2+4x+6 when x approaches infinity?"

There should be a comma to begin the additional thought: "...paper, as rosy white as his grandchild's cheek, lay..." --- Also, if you changed the comma before the math equation to a colon, would it fit better? "...to see: 'What is..."

quote:

"Lily, I need to rest for now... I am sorry I can help you no more with your homework"

I would change "for" to "right". Do you think that would be better? Also there should be two periods. -- "'Lily, I need to rest right now... I am sorry. I can help you no more with your homework.'" Do you see what I mean?

quote:

"There shall not be too much problems with me..." Sukaku said, "I wonder if you could go and check on the chickens for me..."

"much doesn't work well with this particular sentence. I think it should be "many". --- Also, I think it would help if you ended the last "..." with a question mark: "me...?'"

quote:

"Alright, grandpa..." Lilina replied obediently, before pulling a blanket to cover her grandfather and left.

Repetitiveness and tense here. You already used "alright" recently in a previous sentence. Not in the same usage, but nevertheless, it may be better to play it safe and use "Sure" or "Okay" or something. --- Also, because Lilina said grampa, the "her grandfather" is unnecessary because we already know who is going to be covered. I would just put "him". --- Additionally, you used "pulling" as her actions (present tense), therefore you should keep with that tense. But, since you are about to use "left" again in a following sentence, I would change "left" to "then exiting" or "then departing". -- "'Sure, grandpa...' Lilina replied obediently, before pulling a blanket to cover him and then departing."

quote:

As Lilina left his grandfather for the chicken barn, the old smith Sukaku slipped fully from reality, before getting finally lost in his own chain of thoughts and reminiscence...

Lilina is a girl, so I would change "his" to "her". --- Also, "before" was already used in the previous sentence, and I really don't think before is necessary, so I would delete it.

quote:

Not many people lived there, and at its peak, some time before the most recent Dwarven Gold Rush drew more than half of all residents from their happy-go-lucky lifestyle, the village enjoyed a population of less than four dozens.

I believe that this shouldn't be plural. "dozens" to "dozen".

quote:

Located near a barren canyon with little water for irrigation, as well as having no special trades to speak of, no resources to mine and harvest, and that no mage would ever come there, Salacar was fortunate to be still standing until that day.

Using "until" makes it seem like everything was going fine until that day, when a catastrophic event ocurred. I don't think that is what you wanted, so I would change it to "up to".

quote:

After the Gold Rush, the town was even in a bigger mess- a village would be as dysfunctional as an understaffed factory when barely five households inhabited there, with dwindling production and still more diminishing interaction.

The word "it" would alternatively work here.

quote:

And yet on that day, the village hall was filled to the top- a very uncommon, and very unrealistic to speak of.

Having "a" in here doesn't make the sentence make sense. I would delete it.

quote:

Still stranger, mlost of those occupying a seat in the dilapidated hall weren't residents, as shown by their dress code.

A misspelling, this should be "most".

quote:

Leather clothing and large sacks of merchandise, as well as the considerable number of horses and donkeys tied up outside around the place gave their identity away- traders and caravaneers having come from as far as Battleon to seek out maximum profit, being even more illogical.

Because you inserted a comma earlier in this sentence to add another thought, should there be another comma to return to the main one? -- "...place, gave..."

quote:

The look of things revealed that an auction was about to take place soon, as everyone was facing a podium in the very center of the room, where a muscular, tall and rather handsome man was standing, possibly giving out order for people to calm down, and keep quiet.

Calming down and keeping quiet are related, so there shouldn't be a comma to separate them. I would take out that comma.

quote:

his rather frightening look meant that he didn't have to yell much- holding an imposing smithy hammer in one hand and an even bigger sack that kept clattering as he moved it about was about the most striking features.

"His" should be capitalized, since it is the beginning of a sentence. --- We don't know what the sack is even bigger than, so I would add "...even bigger sack than normal ...". --- There is more than one thing described, so "was" should be "were".

quote:

"Legendary, legendary! That is godly hands you've got there!" a bald caravaneer in the corner of the room shouted heartily.

Hands are plural, so "That is" should be "Those are".

quote:

His pwerful and extremely skillfully crafted weapons became a vital part of many lords and nobles' arsenals long before his 30th birthday.

Misspelled, "pwerful" should be "powerful".

quote:

Before long, all the more famous weapon shops around Lore carried his weaponries into their back room as specialties.

Since there are more than one shop, there should be more than one room. -- "room" to "rooms"

quote:

Needless to say, traders and caravaneers all over Lore would do whatever they need to get to him and his freshly made artifacts, regardless of where he stayed.

The "would" is past tense, so so should the "need" be. -- "need" to "needed"

quote:

Still, not all of the caravaneers got the honor, and some had to but utter some swear words and head back to their caravan empty-handedly.

"but" isn't necessary, and I'm unsure if it makes sense to have it, so I would take it out.

quote:

Sukaku never mass-produced his weapons however highly priced they could be, whatever he forged was no longer a weapon, but a serious work of art whose beauty and efficiency no one could deny.

There should be a comma to identify an additional thought: "...weapons, however..." --- Also, there shouldn't be a comma here, but a period because there is a new thought starting: "...be. Whatever...

quote:

That was why the very moment the last caravaneer left the room, Sukaku started laughing contentedly as he poured the gold coins into a glittering stream of gold, that seeped through his fingers and clattered noisily on the table- the glittery sound of fortune and wealth.

Using "gold" twice would be repetitive, so I would take out the first "gold". The sentence would still make sense with just "coins". --- Also, the word "glitter" was already used in this sentence. I would change it to "...the jingling sound of fortune and wealth." I used "jingling" because that is a sound, and "glittery" isn't one...

quote:

"Ha, I am afraid I am the best out here... so much gold..." Sukaku cried joyfully as he tossed a handful of coin over his head.

I don't think anything is technically wrong here, but using "coins" would make me feel better.

quote:

"Not quite," A sullen voice from the village hall's gateway instantly stunned Sukaku in his track, "You are, as far as I know, NOT the legendary one, or not one yet"

The "A" should be decapitalized because there is a comma after "quite". --- Also, the comma at the end should probably be a period because it is a complete thought that was given.

quote:

Sukaku reactively turned to the door to face his challenger, and was more than astonished- there at the gateway stood an apparition-like figure of a man, with a mass of beautiful golden hair and held in his hand a huge hammer- twice the size of his own, which didn't appeared logical at all, considering the newcomer's slender body.

I would separate these two thoughts because this sentence appears to be too long. "...astonished. There at the..." --- Also, this phrase doesn't appear to flow well with the golden hair part. If I may, "...golden hair and a huge hammer held in his hand..." What do you think?

quote:

The guest looked straight into Sukaku's eyes upon stepping inside, a gaze so stern and cold that it made the skilful smith turn away almost at once- the kind of accusing gaze that would force one to requestion his morality.

A misspelled word, "skilful" should be "skillful".

quote:

To avoid the cold gaze, Sukaku could but look at the man's feet, but as he did, felt a cold chill running down his shoulder- the man had no shadows, a quality only visible in a ghost.

I am unsure of this piece. It seems to give Sukaku an option to look down, not tell us that he did. I would change "...could but look..." to simply "...looked..." --- Also, it is only one man, and one man should have only one shadow, so I would change "shadows" to "shadow".

quote:

"Why not? I am going to do that anyway," Sukaku's self-esteem grabbed hold of himself again as he stood up straight and returned Kuraodo's look, "So... you came here to buy my stuffs?"

I'm uncomfortable with the commas in this situation. In my opinion, those commas should be periods becaue the text and thoughts are too distinct to be tied together, but it is your choice. --- Also, because "stuff" can refer to more than one thing, I think "stuffs" should be "stuff".

quote:

"If I wanted," Kuraodo said, "I can get one like yours anywhere"

Using "one" makes it seem like he is referring to a single weapon, instead of the entire selection. I would change "one" to perhaps "arms".

quote:

"Your weapons, however good they are, are just made to kill humans," unraveled Kuraodo, "What a legendary weapon is, however, is different"

"different" shold have a period to end the sentence. -- "different."

quote:

"How? Weapons used to finish monsters in a hit?" Sukaku asked impatiently, "I have that too!"

I don't think this gets enough emphasis. How about, "...a single hit..."?

quote:

"No. A legendary weapon is one that can be used to kill a god," Kuraodo answered, "A god-slayer"

There should be a period here. -- "god-slayer."

quote:

Apparently his parents, his grand parents, even his ancestors didn't show him in any books of something such as a godslayer.

"grand parents" should be a single word, "grandparents". --- Also, I think it would be better to use "hadn't shown" here.

quote:

"No offense, Sukaku, but you must revamp your Maths knowledge," Kuraodo said sarcastically, as he handed Sukaku a sheet of paper, "Until you can answer me this question"

Its that "Maths" thing again. I don't know if it is correct in capatilizing and pluralizing that word... --- Also, "question" should have a period.

quote:

Sukaku took the piece of paper, and looked through it.

This makes the paper seem translucent. I would change it to "examined".

quote:

"Anyone having finished 10th grade would know the answer is zero. And I am not that retarded," growled Sukaku, "Now, tell me what is it that you want with me"

"me" should have a period added to it.

quote:

"Now you have learnt the way to kill a god, Sukaku," smirked Kuraodo.

"Learned" would also work here...

quote:

"I don't understand," Sukaku replied, slamming his hammer on the table.

"replied" doesn't seem to compliment him angrily slamming his hammer down. I would change it to "fumed" or "replied angrily".

quote:

"Do you want to do this, Sukaku-sama?" Kuraodo looked at Sukaku in the eyes again, before asking very politely, "Please answer that question first"

"first" should have a period to end the sentence.

Critiquing Complete!!!

There is one more thing, though. Many times in a conversation, you have them say something, then put a comma and write "said so-and-so", and then put another comma and keep writing dialogue. I don't think you need to do that every time. Some are just fine with periods because we still know who is talking. An example:
quote:

"Anyone having finished 10th grade would know the answer is zero. And I am not that retarded," growled Sukaku, "Now, tell me what is it that you want with me"
Right there at the bolded comma. That would be just fine, if not better as a period. Do you see what I'm trying to tell you?

Still, I like the story very much. You did an excellent job combining more modern things with fantasy. An excellent merge. I've read other stories where there is this rough transaction of role play with BattleOn and it sometimes makes a person want to roll their eyes. This is not one of those. I can't wait to keep reading. Well done.

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 6/29/2008 18:04:28 >
AQ DF  Post #: 4
6/29/2008 12:05:34   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK, I'm continuing on with chapter 8...

1)
quote:

The trip through the worm hole fifteen years later was much worse than that of fifteen years before,

I think that removing the latter fifteen would give you the exact same effect.
In addition, 'wormhole' without a space?

2)
quote:

The reason was quite simple, compared to the thirty-five-year-old Sukaku who left Lore fifteen years before, the Sukaku of that day had aged a good deal.

Needless repetition.

3)
quote:

Time as well as various accidents and exposure to powerful magic and dangerous radiation had taken a heavy toll on Sukaku's health,

He has a cancer?
His bone marrow has been destroyed?

4)
quote:

All this while, the gentle and loyal Kuraodo was still waiting patiently by his side, silently and devoutly.

The wording here is a bit odd, imHo.
Why not use a simpler: 'All this time' in the beginning?
Also it's a bit cumbersome to divide the adverbs 'patiently', 'silently' and 'devoutly' that way.
'was still waiting by his side, patiently, silently, and devoutly'?

5)
quote:

Nostalgia had struck him not once, not twice, but a multitude of times when he was back in Blizzard's Howl, that he had tried to contain the first few days he was there, that he had made sure that it was just part of his memory and would not interfere with his task at hand.

I think you need to rephrase this because I don't think that 'but' -> 'that' structure is working.
Maybe you could split this sentence into two?

6)
quote:

the grassy meadows' emerald shade and delightful cattle grazing were as lively and dynamic as ever.

I find this adjective used with 'cattle' very peculiar. It might just be me...
'delightful sight of cattle grazing?'

7)
quote:

"Thunder Mountain," the ghastly Kuraodo finally said confidently, "If you want to, we ca leave right now"

'can'

8)
quote:

It was not a surprise to see the aging Sukaku sitting down and panting difficultly as Kuraodo signaled them to stop- the late- middle aged man was by then overexerted and dizzy.

'late-middle-aged'?

9)
quote:

Seeing his comrade in such a bad shape, Kuraodo decided it was better to let the man be for some time, and it was no astonishment that when Sukaku regained his health,

'composure' or 'strength' would fit better here, imho.

10)
quote:

"Chasm?" Sukaku asked as he looked around, and to his wonder, Sukaku realized that he and his friend were now standing in the middle of a miniature valley in the heart of Thunder Mountain- probably a seismic crack in the foundation of the mountain itself.

Consider leaving that second instance of 'Sukaku' away. Also, you could cut down then repetition of 'he' by:
',and to his wonder, he realized that they were now standing..'

11)
quote:

In any case, the cliff hanging above the duo were well covered with thick buses and dense vegetation as opposed to the general infertility of the mountain,

'were' -> 'was' since you're referring to 'the cliff'
'bushes'

12)
quote:

The cold air blowing through the narrow chasm made Sukaku shudder- the rocks were cold, and so were the wind.

'was'

13)
quote:

Sukaku was caught at a loss for word, at first out of awe before the majestic and mysterious beauty of the scene, and then out of embarrassment, at the fact that, though he was a Lorian, knew less about this place than an outlander.

'words'

14)
quote:

"Inside it there is a zone kept safe by two alternating currents of pure energy,

I don't think that you'll need that 'there' since you already have the 'inside' defining the place.

15)
quote:

Kuraodo did not quite take the praise. Instead, he was quick in leading his partner deep into the cave,

'quick to lead'?

16)
quote:

The trip into the cave was much more comfortable and mild as opposed to the rough climbs that the duo had to take earlier, apart from the moldy, damp air, the bumpy and rocky floor, and the lack of light.

This sounds like a contradiction to me. As if you were first saying that the descend was more comfortable, but then again there were these nasty surroundings, making it still uncomfortable, even thought not as uncomfortable as the ascend. And now poor me is confused...
'Apart from the moldy, damp air, the bumpy and rocky floor, and the lack of light, the trip into the cave was still undoubtedly more comfortable than the ascend to the mountain.'

17)
quote:

as well as a couple of strong gusts were the most remarkable picture in Sukaku's mind about the place, and as Sukaku moved on, the smith couldn't quite help but wonder what was actually waiting for them inside. Before long, Sukaku got his answer when the duo reached what appeared to be the obvious location, marked by a deep, glittery, and silvery pool of liquid in the very middle of the unusually large chamber located in the very center of the cave system.

Again, you're repeating his name quite a lot in this paragraph, imHo
Is this intentional repetition? I think that exact would be a better word here, but this is , of course, just my opinion. If it's not intentional, then you could change the first 'very':
'and silvery pool of liquid exactly in the middle of'.

18)
quote:

Not only is it a great conductor of electricity,

Although it pales in comparison with Au or Cu.... [ignore this comment =P]

19)
quote:

What the... Sukaku thought, Didn't he distrust me to the point that he could kill me to guard the secret?

Did you notice that you left the italics on after this line? There might be a faulty closing tag.

20)
quote:

Nervously, Sukaku approached the pool of quicksilver, brandished the two blade, and promptly shoved both blades into the pool.

'blades'

21)
quote:

Almost instantly, the old smith felt a strong jolt of energy channeling right through the blades into his very body

This is at least the fourth instance of this 'very'-structure in this chapter. I would just leave the word out.

22)
quote:

The shock was enough to part Sukaku's hands from the hilt of the two swords, leaving the two magnificent weapons deeply submerged in the pool of quicksilver.

Also, the pool gets repeated a lot in this paragraph. So why not go with: '..submerged into the quicksilver'?
The repetition of 'pool' continues also in the paragraph following the chanting of the 'power word'.

23)
quote:

the two bolts materialized into a powerful gust of red wind, sweeping across the chamber, before hitting and was absorbed in the very fabrics of Sukaku's body.

'being absorbed'?
Beware of the 'very' =P

24)
spoiler:

Did the man he call his friend really attacked him?

'attack', since the 'Did' takes care of the past tense.

25)
spoiler:

"In lights of recent events, I would have no choice other than to use that spell against you"

'In the light of'?

26)
spoiler:

"Don't worry. this is not a deadly attack, I assure you,

Capitalize 'This'

27)
quote:

"We all know how absolutely appalling an end can this two blades lead to if used wrongly.

'these'?

28)
spoiler:

With this events of today, our companionship has come to an end at last,

'the'?

That's about it for chapter 8. Beware of using the 'very'-structure too much. Also, you tend to have lots of -lys, like wrongly, patiently, ... Sometimes, for the sake of variation, you could use 'the wrong way', or some other, even better way to work around that.

Hmm, you've kept Kuraodo quite a mystery. I hope there's more information on what goes on in his mind later in this story as I continue reading...
DF  Post #: 5
6/29/2008 12:37:35   
  Master Samak

Productive!
Fallen Leprechaun of L&L


Chapter Two: The sleepless night

quote:

The young smith's train of thought started to unravel as he twisted and turned numerous times on his hammock, to the point that he could hear the poor thing's fabrics twisting together loudly under his weight...

"straining" would be a better replacement here, I believe.

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 6/30/2008 0:12:43 >
AQ DF  Post #: 6
6/29/2008 12:47:41   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Should I punch/kick/drown myself in mud like Firefly did? For there are too many errors here in these parts, most of which were brought about by carelessness. In any case, I must say sorry that I cannot mend these things up by now- I have 14 days left in my old home before I move to a new place for dreaded college, and am rushing through the last three chapters. I'll just make a note on what can be mended, after all:

1) Agreed.
2) Yes, mending that.
3) No... but his vitality had worn down a lot, though not that badly. Marie Curie suffered similarly when she did all her researches with her mass of Radium ore.
4) I'll look at that, though I liked my old one better.
5) My style of using overly long sentences sometimes turns against me. This is one such instance.
6) Nah... like Firefly, me love personification.
7) Another typo?
8) It'll work better that way, yes.
9) It's decided, "vitality"
10) De-repeating in process.
11) Typo + Grammar errors = shame.
12) Same as above.
13) Third time in a row T.T
14) Hmm... Actually I liked the old one better, but I'll look at that again.
15) Mending.
16) Actually, no. I was trying to say that, though the cave was lumpy, it was much better than scrambling up the mountain
17) De-repeating in process.
18) Hehe... actually it is one of the best. And it's liquid. Perfect. And also, Ag is the best conductor [/babling about chemistry]
19) Coding error. Mending now.
20) Another grammar error *kicks self*
21) I'll see what I can do.
22) De-repeating in process.
23) As above.
24) *Casts Noli Manere on self*
25) Eh.. no. That's the correct structure, according to my E teacher.
26)27)28) MENDING IN PROGRESS *Dies from Noli Manere*

Read the spoiler for more info on Kuraodo Isaac gaean.

spoiler:

Kuraodo Isaac Gaean was the son of Garret Isaac Gaean, the Smithlord of the planet of Nanatsu (seven) before the Devourer came. Nanatsu was far more developed than the Drakels by the time Kuraodo was born, and to augment their already mighty scientific achievements, they created a new sort of energy called The Core, which drew from the geothermal power of the planet. However, The'Galin recognized this action as an act of "corruption", thinking that they are slowly destroying the world they are living in by sucking the essence of life from it (This is an homage to Final Fantasy VII). As a result, he uncreated the civilization, killing and uncreating 20-odd billion people in a day. Being among those few who died instead of being uncreated, Kuraodo's grudge against the uncreator was the sole reason why he lingered on in the physical world. As the story drew to an end, Kuraodo grew more and more hateful of the Uncreator, and his hatred influenced all those he considered comrades. This made Falerin and Genoclysm believe that he is an evil and sinister being, while he is just a vengeful soul who wanted to have his people's deaths avenged.

Last word of notice: The revolving doors of vengeance will see no right and wrong, just sufferings to all involved, marring the noble, antagonizing the good.
DF  Post #: 7
6/29/2008 16:41:28   
mastin2
Member

I'm back! Reading again, and hoping to critique. I refreshed the page, so assuming that you did the corrections of MS and Fab, there *should* be no repetition...

But before I start: something which has been on my mind...you say this is Artix's ascension to a god...and the title is 'The Ascension of Kuriaaga no Ajisu'. By any chance, does Kuriaaga no Ajisu=Artix von Krieger? I thought of it because Kuriaaga sounds a little like Krieger, and Ajusu sounds a little like Artix. In several languages, last names come first, so Artix Krieger would be Krieger Artix. Just curious about it.

*Critique Switch to new post below*

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/29/2008 17:55:48 >
Post #: 8
6/29/2008 17:25:33   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Sorry mastin, actually I have been unable to repair those errors. We are moving in 14 days :-SS and my homestead is in a mess these days. My father's collection of fine brandy, for example, is being stashed up in my room while waiting for a place to keep it safe because we can't tow them along. In short, I am trying my best to complete the story, lend my parents a hand, crop up some vital documents for my future school, and not get bored to death. Which means it is kind of hard to repair those errors as of now, and I promise I'll do them up, but... well, you see the sort of stuff...

So I would insist that you read up chapter 3... sorry for that, but yeah... I'll try to mend bits and pieces when I find time, but... Well, like tomorrow, my mom is pulling me on a shopping trip :(

And you got the right guess! After checking up with a Japanese expert by the name 1wingangel, I got this name for the story, though his translation of "Artix" went as "Aatikusu" (Corresponding pronunciation |a:tiks|), which is too cumbersome to me. So um, there I was!
DF  Post #: 9
6/29/2008 17:57:42   
mastin2
Member

(...Wow...I actually got that right.)

Oh, well...if I point out something already pointed out, that's a second opinion to back it up! :)

quote:

His life is wearing away everyday
'is' should be 'was'...this is in past tense, right?

Post #: 10
6/30/2008 12:37:19   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 12 is done today. According to my plans, I have <gulp> three more to write to end book one, and I have <gulp, again>, ten days. I just have to rush it through, this time.

List of references in this chapter:

- One single instance of "Estuans interius ira vehementi" (Burning profusely with violent anger), being part of the lyrics of Kata Tsubasa no Tenshi by Nobuo Uematsu, the original version.

Okay... today I think I can go hunt down all the errors Mastin and Fabula had found. Well, at least... it seems so.
DF  Post #: 11
6/30/2008 21:59:05   
mastin2
Member

quote:

a young, high pitched, but very gentle and loving voice unexpectedly sounded right beside the dozing man, and he turned back only to find himself faced by his beloved granddaughter, Lilina
*coughs* too long...

"a young, high pitched but very gentle and loving voice unexpectedly sounded right beside the dozing man. He turned back, only to find himself faced by his beloved granddaughter, Lilina."

It's slightly better in my opinion...

Also, he was dozing? It seemed like he was awake enough...

quote:

Is it Maths again
'Maths' should be 'Math'.

quote:

I am sorry I can help you no more with your homework
1: put 'that' after 'sorry'. 2: Put a period after 'homework'.

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/30/2008 22:44:44 >
Post #: 12
7/2/2008 11:13:44   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 13 is done, and it was <gasping for air> hard work indeed! Now, let us go back to the calendar... <counts> Eight days, two chapters for part one, epilogue for part one, prologue for part two, and five chapters for part two... maybe that's too greedy of me. In any case, book one is to be done in at most three days, and then I can work on the second book.

Now, as for this chapter, the backstory of Kuraodo Isaac Gaean is officially out! It would also explain why he so hated The'Galin, and would do everything it took to kill the god. Also, from the next chapter, the plotline shall return to the official Adventure Quest story, starting from Galrick's death. As of now, I can only say that the next two chapters shall be filled with action, and the last one would be a cliffhanger to open up to the second book.

List of reference in this chapter:

- Anyone who plays Final Fantasy VII will spot a significant similarity between Mako energy and Pyrosform. That is the biggest reference as seen in the chapter. (As you can see, a large portion of this story of mine is homage to Square Enix's masterpiece)
- Zeruel: Does anyone NOT know Zeruel as the best AQ player to have ever lived? Despite the fact that his achievements (beating Nightbane 500 and Undead Xyphos) was doubted by some members of the staff, I still respect him as the pioneer in AQ gaming, and this story is a way for me to pay my respect to Zeruel, the great gamer/Youtube videomaker.

A small note to reviewers:

@ Master Samak: Well, *huff puff*, I would ask you to *huff puff* cease typo-hunting *huff puff* for the time being, as my to-do list is kind of full now, and <nervously looks at calendar> as of today I have eight days left to live AND write. i'll look at the (5 pages long) list of typos when I have finally settled down in college, okay?

@ fabula: Same as above, but I now bring you good news- Kuraodo is no longer a mystery (see above). I would love to hear your feedback on my plot! Thanks again for all your support up till this point!

@ mastin2: The same thing, but just that, would you like to rate my plot rather than typo-hunting? I mean, since I wrote this, I have just gotten a crateful of feedbacks on typos and grammar errors, and my...... story is left untouched (Should I add "beautiful" to the blank? Nah, that would be narcissistic XD) Thanks a bunch!

@ Falerin (If you'd ever come here): I have continued to write as you suggested, but still I am not sure if some parts are inappropriate. As the author of the /canon/, when you feel uncomfortable with my twisting of the plot to the point of unacceptability, please tell me so, so that I can take suitable actions (i.e. censor part of the piece, remove the last two chapters and use the 13th chapter ending as a cliffhanger, or anything else deemed appropriate). I thank you for your tolerance.

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 7/2/2008 11:18:11 >
DF  Post #: 13
7/2/2008 11:41:53   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

OH, the mysteries behind Kuraodo are revealed? Well, it was about time.....=P

I'll read the chapters 9-13 and try to ignore all the typos I shall come across with so that I can look and comment it as a whole.

Can't promise to do that today, unfortunately, but before the end of this week you'll receive some comments about something else than misplaced alphabets...
Or are you going to disconnect your computer way before the moving?
DF  Post #: 14
7/3/2008 0:12:33   
mastin2
Member

Argeus, I generally don't give a rating like that 'til I've finished whatever you've released. Until that point, I just feel like I am not worthy to give an opinion because I haven't read it all. Which means typo-hunting 'til I get much farther into the storyline. And I'm waaaaaaaaaay behind...

But I will try! :)

-Mastin
Post #: 15
7/4/2008 13:01:40   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 14 up, and it seems that I have come to a difficult choice. Now, the remaining part could go either into one full chapter with about 6000+ words, or two, each about 3000, followed by the epilogue. I am asking all those who usually review for me, what do you think I should do?

Now, as per usual, the disclaimer-esque List of References.

- Noli Manere: Okay, I thought I have made it clear in Chapter 8 that this incantation of Kuraodo comes from Sairin: Kata Tsubasa no Tenshi (in fact, ALL of his incantations are "ripped" off from Nobuo Uematsu's lyrics, just try to name it- Noli manere, manere in memoria; Estuans interius ira vehementi; Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias; and the final spell- I would try not to make it spoilerish here...). Also, a little spoiler for fabula or she would misread my intentions:

spoiler:

The "Noli manere" spell is not a curse, but a direct attack spell. Kuraodo tricked Sukaku into believing it was a mortal curse to seal his mouth.


- Otosan, okasan: Father and Mother, respectively. I racked through Wiktionary for half an hour just to find out what "father" is (I found sister, oneesan, brother, oniisan, but no father X( ). Turned out that my best friend provided the word to me, free of charge, when I was about to throw a tantrum.

I am planning to include a bit of romance in the last chapter. (No, get your eyes off the blond with the oversize hammer. He is not going to get his share of female companionship, ever) Cookies for those who can see through my intentions...

spoiler:

Look at the end of Chapter 13, when Halenro said someone had just died...


Cute little stickies for reviewers to read:

@ fabula: Expect *looks at above notes* some romance in the final chapter, but expect a lot of depression and angst. *shakes head at pleas from fangirls asking to keep Artix alive*

@ mastin: oops... didn't think you are that lagging. In any case, as long as your review arrives before he end of this month (When I believe I will have nicely settled down in college and have time for battleon)

Happy Independence Day to all L&Lers who are born Americans, who are American residents, or who are both!

FINALLY! The Devourer is going to get PWNED! I am so excited! Ahem... sorry, Falerin. As always, keep in mind that this is only a piece of alternative history...

EDIT: A particular "offensive" reference was removed, thanks to Firefly.

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 7/4/2008 13:49:38 >
DF  Post #: 16
7/4/2008 15:16:40   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

LOL, I finished reading chapters 9-13 a couple of hours ago, so your spoilers were pretty obvious to me, especially the latter...
Yes, it would've been pretty odd, if you'd suddenly dragged out someone for the blond with the... *blushes*
(moving on.....)
I'm gonna save chapter 14 for tomorrow, OK?
I'm quite curious to see how you handle romance. =P

And: I'm not gonna plead for you to leave anybody alive... it's your story, I'll survive either way. =P

Now, I dunno know if it was because of the implementation of Artix to the story or because I stopped lookin' for typos, lol, that I really started feeling like it all came alive like *wham*. Perhaps it was it action, emotion, and the imminent threat after all that toil with the forging. Which raises a question: did you spend too much chapters and time describing the forging? Did I spend too much time killing your typos? Anyways, I congratulate you, good job with these chapters!

The necessity and consequences of killing a God. I have a random question for you: Have you read the Draconlance series, the Twins Trilogy? The three books that focus on the black mage, Raistlin (and his warrior twin-brother, Caramon)? I'm asking because there's one pretty nice description of consequences when one goes on to displacing a God.

Another random question: Have you seen the movie Batman Begins? The one with Christian Bale as Batman and Liam Neeson as one of the members of the League of Shadows?
The League of Shadows was also planning to wipe vice, crime, and corruption from the face of the Earth by taking down whole nations...
It's interesting to read your story as another view to this kind of thinking/storylining...

Enough with the praise and random thoughts! Now, I'm gonna pull out a sledgehammer and critique some, imHo, weak points!

1)Artix's wavering and non-wavering.
spoiler:

Somehow, he went a bit too easily on board with that 'possesion' plot. I mean, even after he had found that Kuraodo wasn't like the undeads he had grown accustomed to and he still had the urge to smite him down... and then when he hears about Kuraodo's plan, he has like one doubt and then he goes like, OK, your spirit may possess me....


2)Sukaku's wavering:
spoiler:

He had already decided that he would do anything to save his grandchildren from the devourer. So why does he have to confront Kuraodo for demanding his life when they come to fetch him to collect the swords? Since he already knows that those can be used to smite down The'Galin, thus giving his grandchildren a chance (or so he thinks......).


3)Kuraodo's memories. Those could do with some more vividness, perhaps? He gets angry once and otherwise his kinda just stating what happened? And still he's offering Artix a way out, a chance to back off from the mission that he has planned for so long....

And at last, some nitpicky stuff:
a)Oh my, you're killing me with that hammock! Too many instances of describing Sukaku lying in it! It kills me! Cut some of it out. Please? Pretty pwease with kitty-cat-eyes?

b)You still tend to repeat stuff. Like I do, in the heat of the writing, lol. I usually let the text cool of for a couple of hours and then read it again, trying to spot all words that keep repeating too much. That helps you to spot annoying stuff: like the word 'coffee' in the scene where Flora brings Sukaku coffee....


Did my babbling make any sense to you?
And please tell me if I need to insert (or remove) any more spoiler-tags there!
DF  Post #: 17
7/4/2008 15:35:04   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Well, thanks a lot for the drive-by comment! (I have, like, just done it two hours ago...). Now, first of all, let me go and set up some last-line defense first.

1) Although I hate to admit it, Kuraodo is quite manipulative as much as he is noble and caring. He always seem to be able to see through one's mental weakness and use it to his will. Here, he came to Artix when he was grieving at the loss of two full battalions of his comrades and tell him that he could have revenge as he pleased. There, Artix went right into the trap.

2) Basically, however willing you are to die so that your children, grandchildren or whoever you hold dear to live, you would be very unlikely to go like, "So you say I must die to save <insert invaluable persons here>? Okay, here I go *jumps into lava and dies*". 'Cause as I said, any living being would like to save its own skin if it is possible first. And that is not to mention Sukaku used to be a not-so-noble merchant a long, long time ago, and his nature, though it was destroyed a great deal, still took some roots. So naturally, he would try to avoid his own death if he could help it.

3) Actually, the Smithlord's Heir had waited 1000 years for the plan. Had it not been for Sukaku he could always find another smith. And if Artix weren't there he could always find another Devourer-hater in the whole wide universe. And again, look at point 1. Kuraodo is a master manipulator of people. He knew Artix would not say no. Naturally, a person who would not leave battle just to take vengeance for the slain innocent would never back out of the vengeance plot of an entire race of people.

So you got the answer for the bit of romance at the end of the story, right? Nice try!

As for the said works of fiction, I have read none, sorry :D. Still, from my first post you have already knew what would happen to Lore after The'Galin goes boom.

spoiler:

There is this vampire called Michael Roa Valdamjong who would like to become a god... wiki search for more


Again, thanks for the review!
DF  Post #: 18
7/5/2008 15:21:36   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

So, basically, all choices that Kuraodo gives, are just part of his manipulating? He's sneaky.... I like him now even more....

I did the wiki search, btw, but only took a glance. It looked that it would've swallowed my whole day otherwise. Like what happened when I followed the romance wiki-link Falerin provided. I'll continue the exploration later on...

I read chapter 14. I don't think that you should dwell so thoroughly on the wormhole-stuff anymore, at least not with the other Paladins, since the effects have been quite throughly described already with Sukaku.

This is my favourite quote of the chapter:
quote:

The pure astonishment of the good Paladin at that time was the epic sculpture of surprise itself,

lolz

I think I'll wait until you've finished all the rest of your chapters (you're doing two with 3000+ words, and the epilogue, right?), so that I can read and enjoy them in one sitting and thus prevent myself from going on to typo-rampage...
Unless you want me to on go rampage regarding this chapter.
Speaking of which, you have one very annoying typo in the end of that partially quoted sentence (the typo is not quoted here, it's in the the fourth last word)...

BattleOn!

DF  Post #: 19
7/5/2008 20:19:29   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

I mended the typo, and if anything, the last chapters shall be done today or early tomorrow- quite a good thing, I suppose. Be ready to see a great deal of inspiration from Final Fantasy: Advent Children.

spoiler:

The Devourer would say something he should never have...


Well, I think so far Mr. Gaean is my most carefully crafted original character yet. A full analysis of Kuraodo would show 35% of Cloud Strife (Look, dress code, and love for anything oversize), 25% of Aerith Gainsborough (demi-godlike power as well as a heart to love, to care and to protect what he loves), 20% of Artix (high-held nobility and when he had chosen to hate something, that's it) and 20% of Liu Bei (Whose noble origin was deprived by a big, big cataclysm, and whose manipulation of other people as well as undying brotherhood is legendary- contradictory, right?). Still...

spoiler:

Expect him to go down with Artix and The'Galin... in another way.
DF  Post #: 20
7/6/2008 12:18:06   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 15 is now up, and there are but two things to care about now: The final battle against The'Galin, and the aftermaths. Hooray to me!

Basically, this chapter concerns how The Network's forces were single-handedly broken by Kuraodo Isaac Gaean. (Turns away from Newgrounds Pico fanatics) Yet, there shall not be as much death as you would probably think. Why? Read and find out...

List of references in this chapter:

- Veni, mi fili, veni, mi fili, hic veni da mihi mortem iterum (Come, come, my child, let me bring you death again...): Again, as you could see, I wrote this while listening to Sairin: Kata Tsubasa no Tenshi...
- Zeruel: LONG LIVE ZERUEL THE AQ GOD! Eh.. sorry, I got a bit high on caffeine today...
- The Manifestation speech, yes, yes.

Okay, now we all know who Artix's GF is... I can give you a bit of speculations.

spoiler:

The romance is yet to end, trust me. That is what the aftermath/epilogue is for.


The name of the chapter is "Cataclysm" and to say the truth, I myself am in a cataclysm! Chances are now that I have only 24 more hours to write and post two last chapters instead of 5 days! (Oh, great, thanks mom) Well, I could only hope that I could turn the table on time, and if so... see you guys all when I am down in Australian National University (If I make it through the horrors, that is :( )

Notes to reviewers:

@ Fabula: Pray me good luck... 24 hr for 6000+ words...
@ Firefly: Looks like I would have to ask you to take a look at my work a little this time, the-16-year-old-young-lady-who-wished-she-hadn't-confessed-her-age XD. And don't worry, I'll be alive and well... (Unless I get drowned in a sea of Law textbooks right after arrival at school, that is)
@ Sith: If you come across this page, please have a read, a little comment, and then think for yourself how lucky you are having another 4 years till that day comes...
@ Mastin: Yoh, thanks for all your help and support! Same as Fabula, please pray that I could get this done in the next 24 hours...
DF  Post #: 21
7/7/2008 2:20:47   
mastin2
Member

(Please forgive me if what I type seems to be somewhat out-of-character--I just did a HUGE write on one of my stories, where one of the characters has an accent. And when I write for that character, that accent can stick to me for days! <_<)

Ouch. You would THINK that Fourth of July Weekend means MORE time to spare to drop a comment by. Unfortunately, it's the opposite for me--far LESS time. 'Couldn't drop a comment by for the last few days. In fact, I couldn't log on. And right now, I'm at dial-up speeds. And, ironically, this could give me FAR more time to catch up and critique. Less internet=more time for reading. As long as I don't close the tab I have your story open in, I'm fine. (Which is actually a high possibility by accident, so I'll copy it into word and save it to my flashdrive for critiquing.)

quote:

shall not be too much problems with
Bad wording there. How about

"shall not be many problems with"

or something like that.

I finished chapter one's critique in word. Here it is.


quote:

his grandfather for the chicken barn, the old smith
Isn’t Lilina a girl?

quote:

itself enjoyed not so much of Lore's blessings of life. Not many people
I’d make ‘much’ ‘many’. But that’s just me.

quote:

Located near a barren canyon with little water for irrigation, as well as having no special trades to speak of, no resources to mine and harvest, and that no mage would ever come there, Salacar was fortunate to be still standing until that day.
A bit long, no? Maybe

“Salacar was located near a barren canyon with little irrigation, as well as having no special trades to speak of. There were no resources to mine or harvest, and considering how no mage would ever come there, Salacar was fortunate to still be standing until that day.”

quote:

Still stranger, mlost of those occupying a seat in the
‘mlost’ isn’t a word. It should be ‘most’.

quote:

The look of things revealed that an auction was about to take place soon, as everyone was facing a podium in the very center of the room, where a muscular, tall and rather handsome man was standing, possibly giving out order for people to calm down, and keep quiet. his rather frightening
1: ‘his’ should be capitalized, since it’s a new sentence.

2: Too…long…

“The look of things revealed that an auction was about to take place soon. Everyone was facing a podium in the very center of the room, where a muscular, tall, and rather hansom man was standing, possibly giving out orders for the people to calm down and keep quiet. His rather frightening”

…The second sentence is still rather long, but this seems better than what it was before…

quote:

holding an imposing smithy hammer in one hand and an even bigger sack that kept clattering as he moved it about was about the
I believe this should be…

“him holding an imposing smithy hammer in one hand and an even bigger sack that kept clattering as he moved it about were probably the”

Also, note changing ‘about’ to ‘probably’. You used ‘about’ twice there, albeit with different meanings.

quote:

from the audience, and the village hall sooner than enough started quaking under the full
One advantage of not being able to use the internet that much is that I do things in word more often (you may notice the curves in my quotation marks), including this. Grammar Check says that you should drop the comma there.

quote:

of accomplishment. He could not be less pride of himself, as
‘pride’, in this case, probably should be ‘proud’.

quote:

Lagendary even among the most skillful smiths of Lore, his skill was the result of both
Lagendary=Legendary?

quote:

his skill was the result of both family tradition and personal
I believe that ‘was’, in this case, should be ‘were’.

quote:

His pwerful and extremely skillfully crafted weapons became a vital
pwrful=powerful.

quote:

before his 30th birthday. Before long, all the
The paragraph here is a tad bit long—I recommend you put a new paragraph at the ‘Before’.

quote:

Lore would do whatever they need to get to him and his freshly made artifacts, regardless of where he stayed
I was confused here—did you mean

“Lore would do whatever they needed to get to him and purchase his freshly made artifacts, regardless of where he stayed.”

quote:

was extremely stuck with his hometown and refused to leave no matter what
That wording seemed off. ‘Stuck’ seems like it would be better as ‘dedicated’. Or maybe just drop ‘extremely’. I would, personally, take the first option and change it to ‘dedicated’, keeping extremely. Also, I’d put a comma after ‘leave’.

quote] had to but utter some swear words and headI’d drop ‘had to but’ and change ‘utter’ to ‘uttered’. But that’s just me, because that was confusing as it is.

quote:

could be, whatever he forged was no longer a weapon, but a serious work of art whose
I’d make the first comma a semicolon.

quote:

legendary one, or not one yet"
There’s a period missing after ‘yet’.

quote:

.. who on Earth are you?" Sukaku questioned
You’re missing a period; there are only two. “Who…who on Earth are you?”

Also, I’d put emphasis on ‘are’. ARE you, or something like that. Oh, and ‘on Earth’ doesn’t seem right…‘on Lore’, maybe?

quote:

"is my name"
Missing the period after ‘name’.

quote:

O..Okay, K... Kuraodo... Are you a
You’re missing a period; there should be three, not two. “O…Okay,”

quote:

Do you want to craft someting so unique that no one else could
‘something’ should be ‘something’.

quote:

you came here to buy my stuffs?"
I believe ‘stuffs’ should be ‘stuff’.

quote:

however, is different"
Missing period. This seems to be a trait particularly nasty when Kuraodo is speaking. So whenever Kuraodo speaks, be a little more careful, kay?

quote:

A god-slayer"
Again, Missing period. Again, Kuraodo is the culprit.

quote:

He himself had never heard of it
Personally, I’d slow down the flow here with a comma after ‘He’ and ‘himself’.

quote:

must revamp your Maths knowledge
‘Maths’ isn’t a word…just ‘math’. And it should be lowercased, to my knowledge.

quote:

is it that you want with me"
Well, missing period (after ‘me’). Though this one isn’t Sukaku.

quote:

question first"
Do I need to point that out to you anymore? Period after ‘first’. And it was Kuraodo again.


I finished chapter One! So far, not so bad. But, please, watch those long sentences and the missing periods (which are worst with Kuraodo). I am enjoying it so far!

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 7/7/2008 17:29:17 >
Post #: 22
7/7/2008 18:30:21   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

In the end, I have managed to do the impossible. In just one day, I have succeeded in writing a total of 13500 words, 3 chapters, and fully concluding the epic First Book of Kuriaaga no Ajisu trilogy. Though, the ending chapter was nowhere as vivid and captivating as I have first thought out to be.

Disclaimer-ish list of references in the last three chapters.

- Manifestation and Final Battle script.
- He had no chance to survive, make his time. Make your guess.
- Whatever I could still pick up from Sairin: Kata Tsubasa no Tenshi. Just hope Nobuo Uematsu never reads my work.
- The entire lyrics of Yakusoku no Chi.
- ZERUEL. He got a full chapter. Hooray!

Credits for this story goes to:
- Adam Bohn i.e. Artix von Krieger, for the creation of Adventure Quest and the world of Lore.
- Falerin Ardendor, our Loremaster: For writing the awesome plot that is Adventure Quest.
- Genoclysm: For providing me with vital information in the process. Though, I was unable to take the "his power does not equal to infinity" part from his advice, as it would break down my story.
- Fabula: For her continuous support of my story, from the beginning to the end. A big thank-you to you, Fabula!
- Firefly: For her excellent advice concerning...er... intellectual properties...
- Mastin2: For his continuous support of my drafts, ever since the recreation of the new L&L.
- Master Samak: For being the best nit-picking critic out there! Thanks!
- Zeruel: For being the greatest AQ player who have ever lived. A perfect source of inspiration.
And last but not least, myself, for the unbelievable patience, especially in the last few days.
DF  Post #: 23
7/7/2008 18:59:46   
mastin2
Member

I will read it, Argeus! In word, I am copying the last bit so I can read it. I will have a complete critique and other comments as well. I can't say how much I enjoy this story! I hope to set a goal: Finish it within a week. I owe it to you to give you more than just a few minor critiques.


By the way, I checked: 134 pages, 67,592 words, and 398,001 characters with spaces. Just thought I'd let you know how long your story is. It's long. And I'll enjoy every single word!

-M

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 7/7/2008 19:05:32 >
Post #: 24
7/11/2008 13:02:41   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

I've read it all! Thank you for this adventure!
There were some lumpy parts, spots that are fine as they are but still can be improved a lot if you have the time, and then some so utterly enjoyable parts I dunno if you can better those anymore...
And thanks for the thanks!

Anyways, I'm now gonna point out to you some stuff in chapters 15-Final that stung my eye while reading it.

1) Stylistic notion: You use this quite prophetical way of saying things a bit too much, imho: 'It was at this point ' or 'It was then'.
It suits your style in some points, like in the very ending, you've used that in the last sentence, and it fits there perfectly. However, you also use it when describing battle. Even when describing heated battle, and frankly it doesn't work for me in there. Not at least in the quantities you've employed it. It really breaks the action and the tension, sometimes unnecessarily. So I think that you need to double check those points where you've used it (it you already haven't...)

2) Romance... May I be a meddler and make a suggestion about chapter 15, scene two? I'm referring to this paragraph in particular:
spoiler:

The ranger was unable to speak any further, right now nothing but the sense of being loved and being protected reigned in her mind, as she grabbed Artix's shoulder guard with all her remaining strength, pulling herself closer to him for a hug. Her signature green bandana, soaked in sweat and tears, had finally given in and fell to the dusty ground, but she no longer cared about it. Artix then held her in his caring arm, patting gently on her shoulder, while wiping away the remaining crystal teardrops from her cheek gently. The ranger closed her eyes again in contentment. Only around him, she would feel safe, feel like a woman who needed love and passion, and not just a sneaky, sly and artful warrior of the forest always aiming to grab money from the rich for free distribution to the critters of Lore. And only around her, would the Paladin shed his cover of a mindless, undead-bashing, steel-plated battle ready machine to appear as a man, an ordinary man with a need to care and protect the one he cared. For a brief moment, in their passionate hug, they both forgot that they were sitting in the middle of a raging battlefield, with heads rolling, blood and goo freely flowing, as well as terrible shrieks and battle cries resounding all over the place.

From the bolded spot onwards, I think this description would better fit to a point where her savior has gotten her secured in the temple. Because they are both experienced fighters, it seems a bit odd they get so absorbed. And even if that could be justified, it still brings a standstill to the action. One more pro for you to consider in moving this to the temple, would be that you'd get more time and space to describe this further.... *gets hopes up*
In brief, I don't think that
quote:

she would feel safe, feel like a woman who needed love and passion

or the respective stuff said about him fits right in the middle of the battlefield...

3) Kuraodo. I now truly understand him. But I would still like to feel more connection to him. I don't know how much it would help to describe his emotions in the latter chapters even more. I also suspect that you want to keep the mystery around him in the earlier chapters... So, could there be a way to give more hints about him before his story starts to unwind? You could then spare some time describing his will for vengeance later on, in the middle of the fight?

4)Having said all these, please don't remove everything peaceful and every spot available for breathing and calming down in between the fights. What I'm trying to say is that check for the balance between the calm spots and the fights but don't chop down the fights at the very spot when the tension is either just building up or when it's at its peak. Not saying that you do it too often but there were some points were you went all prophetical as I already mentioned.

OK. Is there any more you'd like me to do for you about this story?
Do you want me to make you a typo/cumbersome sentences/odd imagery list for any particular chapter?
Also, remember to PM me when you've got your story-writing again up and running in there, down under, if I'm too absorbed to notice it otherwise!

See U around!
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