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RE: The Ascension of Kuriaaga no Ajisu Comment Thread.

 
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7/13/2008 15:57:57   
mastin2
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NOTE: Please do accept my apologies if there are 'mistakes' which are just spelling differences...


Okay, some pretty large failure at achieving my goal of reading it in a week--like always, things came up and I could only finish three. Complete critique of them below. I will try to finish it. I will.




quote:

The story that the mysterious Sukaku had told
Sukaku=Kuraodo?

quote:

the undisputed lord of blacksmithy. An artifact
Shouldn’t ‘blacksmithy’ be ‘blacksmithing’?

quote:

parchment of Maths homework. Had the
Again, ‘Maths’ should be ‘math’.


Whoops. My mistake. Location difference. (While I try to get all of those memorized, I didn't find out 'bout this one 'til recently.)

quote:

?, Sukaku thought in disbelief
I could be wrong, but I do believe the comma there is not necessary.

quote:

No, if he was insane, never would he talk in that manner, look in that manner, not to mention the confidence. Those eyes are for real, I know
Quite technically, a person can be rather insane in beliefs yet still appear completely normal…

quote:

creature's last moments of tormented hopeless hope, trying to find a non-existent
‘hopeless hope’ is a contradiction…

quote:

to guarantee that lying or deception was completely
Correct me if I am wrong, but should not ‘lying’ be ‘lies’ and ‘or’ be ‘and’?

quote:

Not being religious himself, but Sukaku feared divine retribution
That made no sense…maybe

“Not being religious himself, he would have no problem with forging it. But Sukaku feared divine retribution”

quote:

as any other citizen of Lore save for the atheist and nihilistic necromancers
I’d put a comma after ‘Lore’.

quote:

Someone in his own family, a distant relative who took such great pride in his becoming a Guardian that he recklessly declared many times in the various pubs of Lore that with his mighty Guardian Blade and Guardian Armor he could single-handedly take down any deity if they would accept the fight, ended up dead one day, stripped of his armor and blade, and his body thoroughly mutilated and burnt to a crisp
*Coughs* Looooooong…

“Someone in his own family, a distant relative, took such great pride in his becoming a Guardian. He recklessly declared many times in the various pubs of Lore that with his might Guardian Blade and Guardian Armor, he could single-handedly take down any deity if they would accept the fight. He ended up dead one day, stripped of his armor and blade, his body thoroughly mutilated and burnt to a crisp”

It may not sound as good, but at least it isn’t as long!

quote:

needed a sleep, and fast. Sukaku wrapped
drop the ‘a’.

quote:

The cold voice of the advocate of Death calling out for him, reading out the accusation, approaching him as his limbs were thoroughly stiff and defenseless, and the deadly glinting steel was enough torture, before it ended with a ceremonious slash of the blade. It felt so thoroughly realistic... the chilly, deathly steel surface... the executioners cold, senseless
I’d re-space the sentences here…

“The cold voice of the advocate of Death calling him, reading out the accusation. Approaching him as his limbs were thoroughly stiff and defenseless. And the deadly glinting steel. That, alone, was enough torture, before it ended with a ceremonious slash of the blade.”

Seems to deliver more impact. Also, executioners should be executioner’s.

Finished chapter two! Again, watch the length of those sentences. Enjoying and reading chapter three! 

quote:

the day before to made the declaration that ultimately led to his sleepless night
The first ‘to’ should be ‘that’. Either that, or change ‘made’ to ‘make’. The first sound better, in my opinion.

quote:

the kind of charismatic gentelness that one could only expect from a very
‘gentelness’ should be ‘gentleness’.

quote:

was only an arm's reach from the poor blacksmith the poor warsmith, and politely
warsmith or blacksmith. Not both. Choose. I’d personally go with blacksmith, because you’ve used warsmith more.

quote:

""You don't have to panick the way you did when you see me. I don't bite... not that I remember that I did"
1: One too many quotation marks at the beginning… 2: ‘panick’ should be ‘panic’. 3: Missing the period after ‘did’. And guess who’s speaking?

quote:

I would be pleased to know if it was your personal choice to stalk me"
period after ‘me’. Sukaku this time. Who is, naturally, the second-worst.

quote:

sincerely apologize if I did frighten you"
Period after ‘you’. Guess who’s speaking? And don’t you dare say anyone ‘cept for Kuraodo to be humorous.

quote:

Kuraodo skilfully evaded the quesion, "And I hope you have given a thought or two about the legendary blade that awaits your forging"
1: ‘skilfully’ should be ‘skillfully’. 2: ‘quesion’ should be ‘qestion’. 3: Missing period after ‘forging’. And do I even need to say whose fault it is?

quote:

you seen what happenned? A Death Angel has come to me
happenned should be happened.

quote:

about its details, is just a bad dream"
Period after ‘dream’. Guess who?

quote:

have passed their judgement on me first. I am the one behind the idea after all
’judegement’ should be ‘judgment’. I’d also put a comma after ‘idea’.

quote:

just morally but also technically"
Sukaku’s the culprit; period after ‘technically’.

quote:

smirk that he gave out before, it was a full-scale, hearty laughter
I’d make the first comma a semicolon.

quote:

have no more business here with you anyway"
Kuraodo has been found guilty for a missing period on multiple occasions. The most recent of these would be right there, after ‘anyway’.

quote:

disappointedly, beore turning around and walked away into the misty
‘beore’ should be ‘before’.

quote:

Sukaku thought. but that was not all. The smith
‘but’ should be capitalized.

quote:

back to his sense, Sukaku realized that there are
‘sense’ should be ‘senses’.

quote:

already departing- th echo of his footsteps, or more likely, the sound of his hammer handle sweeping the grassy ground was becoming smaller and samller, Sukaku realized that tom his horror
‘th’ should be ‘the’. ‘samller’ should be ‘smaller’.

quote:

eyes was probably an anagram reflecting Kuraodo's own
‘was’ should be ‘were’.

quote:

that either. rather, Kuraodo was the one who stayed
‘rather’ should be capitalized, ‘Rather’.

quote:

was still unable to brace himself together to start speaking. Only
That doesn’t sound right. ‘was still unable to brace himself to start speaking’. Or something like that. It should be changed.

quote:

Only after a few moments later that the conversation could go on.
Rephrase that—

“Only after a few moments later could the conversation go on.”

quote:

Sukaku, "It IS a deal"
‘deal’ needs a period.

just call me Kuraodo"Period after ‘Kuraodo’. Guess whodunit again?

quote:

as it is embarassing, Kuraodo," Sukaku bent his neck
‘embarassing’ should be ‘embarrassing’.

quote:

-years-less version of your faithfully could understand
I believe ‘your’ should be ‘yours’.

quote:

would work in reality"
‘reality’ is missing a period. Sukaku is now guilty as well.

quote:

""I don't put the blame on you or your
one too many quotation marks.

quote:

Theory of Hyperrelativity, and its hows and whats are a good way beyond normal
‘hows’ and ‘whats’ should probably have some emphasis on them, like the ‘’ approach.

quote:

well as the deities of their own panthenon would call them, though their combined power could easily topple both"
‘panthenon’ should be ‘pantheon’. Also, the missing period has returned…

quote:

meet them as soon as possible"
Period is missing after ‘possible’…again.

quote:

broad smile, before solemnness fiiled his eyes once more
‘fiiled’ should be ‘filled’.

quote:

task before our agreement is completely sealed"
period after ‘sealed’. Again.

quote:

To do this we shall need more than just a hammer
I’d put a comma after ‘this’.

quote:

We need asome very advanced technology as well. For
‘asome’ should be ‘some’.

quote:

of strange vocabulaty in Kuroado's speech, but at least, he had understaood something
Most typos in a sentence I’ve seen in quite a while. ‘vocabulaty’ should be ‘vocabulary’, ‘Kuroado's’ should be ‘Kuraodo's’, and ‘understaood’ should be ‘understood’.

quote:

you leave thses lands behind for your quest. Your friends.. family... homestead... even your customers... everything"
‘thses’ should be ‘these’, ‘friends..’ needs and extra period, and you need a period after ‘everything’.

quote:

am afrais," Kuraodo corrected, "You must say something along the lines of, Farewell, land of my birth, never again shall these eyes set upon your beauty
‘afrais’ should be ‘afraid’ and you’re missing the period.

quote:

shall not live till the day you can go home"
period after ‘home’.

quote:

apparently shocked by the truth. The perpl;exed look on his face was enough to tell everyone that he was, more or less
‘perpl;exed’ has an unnecessary semicolon in the middle, no?

quote:

alone, the creafting of this item is not
it sounds like you started out with ‘creation’ but settled for ‘crafting’. The latter sounds better, but you need to remove the ‘e’.

quote:

Saying out these words, Sukaku bravely stood forward, facing his village once more, and with all the breath of a steel-hardened
remove ‘out’.

quote:

ears listen to your sweet songs of life, or these feets tread your sunlight-gilded
‘feets’ should be ‘feet’.

quote:

I hereby departs for a greater good, and shall bring back pride
‘departs’ should be ‘depart’.

quote:

me, just a bystander"
‘bystander’ is missing the period. Again. And it is Kuraodo. Again.

quote:

hole is definitely to your everyday trip"
‘to’ should be ‘not’. Also, period after ‘trip’. Yes, Kuraodo again.

I finished reading chapter three! Again, watch those periods. Watch them a LOT. There are multiple occasions of ‘s’ typos or lack there of. Speaking of which, you have quite a number in this chapter. Be more careful with them, kay?

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 7/16/2008 0:24:14 >
Post #: 26
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