NOTE: Please do accept my apologies if there are 'mistakes' which are just spelling differences...
Okay, some pretty large failure at achieving my goal of reading it in a week--like always, things came up and I could only finish three. Complete critique of them below. I will try to finish it. I will.
The story that the mysterious Sukaku had told
quote:Shouldn’t ‘blacksmithy’ be ‘blacksmithing’?
the undisputed lord of blacksmithy. An artifact
quote:Again, ‘Maths’ should be ‘math’.
parchment of Maths homework. Had the
Whoops. My mistake. Location difference. (While I try to get all of those memorized, I didn't find out 'bout this one 'til recently.)
quote:I could be wrong, but I do believe the comma there is not necessary.
?, Sukaku thought in disbelief
quote:Quite technically, a person can be rather insane in beliefs yet still appear completely normal…
No, if he was insane, never would he talk in that manner, look in that manner, not to mention the confidence. Those eyes are for real, I know
quote:‘hopeless hope’ is a contradiction…
creature's last moments of tormented hopeless hope, trying to find a non-existent
quote:Correct me if I am wrong, but should not ‘lying’ be ‘lies’ and ‘or’ be ‘and’?
to guarantee that lying or deception was completely
quote:That made no sense…maybe
Not being religious himself, but Sukaku feared divine retribution
“Not being religious himself, he would have no problem with forging it. But Sukaku feared divine retribution”
quote:I’d put a comma after ‘Lore’.
as any other citizen of Lore save for the atheist and nihilistic necromancers
Someone in his own family, a distant relative who took such great pride in his becoming a Guardian that he recklessly declared many times in the various pubs of Lore that with his mighty Guardian Blade and Guardian Armor he could single-handedly take down any deity if they would accept the fight, ended up dead one day, stripped of his armor and blade, and his body thoroughly mutilated and burnt to a crisp
“Someone in his own family, a distant relative, took such great pride in his becoming a Guardian. He recklessly declared many times in the various pubs of Lore that with his might Guardian Blade and Guardian Armor, he could single-handedly take down any deity if they would accept the fight. He ended up dead one day, stripped of his armor and blade, his body thoroughly mutilated and burnt to a crisp”
It may not sound as good, but at least it isn’t as long!
quote:drop the ‘a’.
needed a sleep, and fast. Sukaku wrapped
quote:I’d re-space the sentences here…
The cold voice of the advocate of Death calling out for him, reading out the accusation, approaching him as his limbs were thoroughly stiff and defenseless, and the deadly glinting steel was enough torture, before it ended with a ceremonious slash of the blade. It felt so thoroughly realistic... the chilly, deathly steel surface... the executioners cold, senseless
“The cold voice of the advocate of Death calling him, reading out the accusation. Approaching him as his limbs were thoroughly stiff and defenseless. And the deadly glinting steel. That, alone, was enough torture, before it ended with a ceremonious slash of the blade.”
Seems to deliver more impact. Also, executioners should be executioner’s.
Finished chapter two! Again, watch the length of those sentences. Enjoying and reading chapter three!
quote:The first ‘to’ should be ‘that’. Either that, or change ‘made’ to ‘make’. The first sound better, in my opinion.
the day before to made the declaration that ultimately led to his sleepless night
quote: ‘gentelness’ should be ‘gentleness’.
the kind of charismatic gentelness that one could only expect from a very
quote:warsmith or blacksmith. Not both. Choose. I’d personally go with blacksmith, because you’ve used warsmith more.
was only an arm's reach from the poor blacksmith the poor warsmith, and politely
quote:1: One too many quotation marks at the beginning… 2: ‘panick’ should be ‘panic’. 3: Missing the period after ‘did’. And guess who’s speaking?
""You don't have to panick the way you did when you see me. I don't bite... not that I remember that I did"
quote: period after ‘me’. Sukaku this time. Who is, naturally, the second-worst.
I would be pleased to know if it was your personal choice to stalk me"
quote:Period after ‘you’. Guess who’s speaking? And don’t you dare say anyone ‘cept for Kuraodo to be humorous.
sincerely apologize if I did frighten you"
quote:1: ‘skilfully’ should be ‘skillfully’. 2: ‘quesion’ should be ‘qestion’. 3: Missing period after ‘forging’. And do I even need to say whose fault it is?
Kuraodo skilfully evaded the quesion, "And I hope you have given a thought or two about the legendary blade that awaits your forging"
quote: happenned should be happened.
you seen what happenned? A Death Angel has come to me
quote:Period after ‘dream’. Guess who?
about its details, is just a bad dream"
quote:’judegement’ should be ‘judgment’. I’d also put a comma after ‘idea’.
have passed their judgement on me first. I am the one behind the idea after all
quote:Sukaku’s the culprit; period after ‘technically’.
just morally but also technically"
quote:I’d make the first comma a semicolon.
smirk that he gave out before, it was a full-scale, hearty laughter
quote:Kuraodo has been found guilty for a missing period on multiple occasions. The most recent of these would be right there, after ‘anyway’.
have no more business here with you anyway"
quote: ‘beore’ should be ‘before’.
disappointedly, beore turning around and walked away into the misty
quote:‘but’ should be capitalized.
Sukaku thought. but that was not all. The smith
quote:‘sense’ should be ‘senses’.
back to his sense, Sukaku realized that there are
quote:‘th’ should be ‘the’. ‘samller’ should be ‘smaller’.
already departing- th echo of his footsteps, or more likely, the sound of his hammer handle sweeping the grassy ground was becoming smaller and samller, Sukaku realized that tom his horror
quote:‘was’ should be ‘were’.
eyes was probably an anagram reflecting Kuraodo's own
quote:‘rather’ should be capitalized, ‘Rather’.
that either. rather, Kuraodo was the one who stayed
quote:That doesn’t sound right. ‘was still unable to brace himself to start speaking’. Or something like that. It should be changed.
was still unable to brace himself together to start speaking. Only
quote: Rephrase that—
Only after a few moments later that the conversation could go on.
“Only after a few moments later could the conversation go on.”
quote:‘deal’ needs a period.
Sukaku, "It IS a deal"
just call me Kuraodo"Period after ‘Kuraodo’. Guess whodunit again?
quote:‘embarassing’ should be ‘embarrassing’.
as it is embarassing, Kuraodo," Sukaku bent his neck
quote:I believe ‘your’ should be ‘yours’.
-years-less version of your faithfully could understand
quote:‘reality’ is missing a period. Sukaku is now guilty as well.
would work in reality"
quote:one too many quotation marks.
""I don't put the blame on you or your
quote:‘hows’ and ‘whats’ should probably have some emphasis on them, like the ‘’ approach.
Theory of Hyperrelativity, and its hows and whats are a good way beyond normal
quote:‘panthenon’ should be ‘pantheon’. Also, the missing period has returned…
well as the deities of their own panthenon would call them, though their combined power could easily topple both"
quote:Period is missing after ‘possible’…again.
meet them as soon as possible"
quote:‘fiiled’ should be ‘filled’.
broad smile, before solemnness fiiled his eyes once more
quote:period after ‘sealed’. Again.
task before our agreement is completely sealed"
quote:I’d put a comma after ‘this’.
To do this we shall need more than just a hammer
quote:‘asome’ should be ‘some’.
We need asome very advanced technology as well. For
quote:Most typos in a sentence I’ve seen in quite a while. ‘vocabulaty’ should be ‘vocabulary’, ‘Kuroado's’ should be ‘Kuraodo's’, and ‘understaood’ should be ‘understood’.
of strange vocabulaty in Kuroado's speech, but at least, he had understaood something
quote:‘thses’ should be ‘these’, ‘friends..’ needs and extra period, and you need a period after ‘everything’.
you leave thses lands behind for your quest. Your friends.. family... homestead... even your customers... everything"
quote:‘afrais’ should be ‘afraid’ and you’re missing the period.
am afrais," Kuraodo corrected, "You must say something along the lines of, Farewell, land of my birth, never again shall these eyes set upon your beauty
quote:period after ‘home’.
shall not live till the day you can go home"
quote:‘perpl;exed’ has an unnecessary semicolon in the middle, no?
apparently shocked by the truth. The perpl;exed look on his face was enough to tell everyone that he was, more or less
quote:it sounds like you started out with ‘creation’ but settled for ‘crafting’. The latter sounds better, but you need to remove the ‘e’.
alone, the creafting of this item is not
Saying out these words, Sukaku bravely stood forward, facing his village once more, and with all the breath of a steel-hardened
quote:‘feets’ should be ‘feet’.
ears listen to your sweet songs of life, or these feets tread your sunlight-gilded
quote:‘departs’ should be ‘depart’.
I hereby departs for a greater good, and shall bring back pride
quote:‘bystander’ is missing the period. Again. And it is Kuraodo. Again.
me, just a bystander"
quote:‘to’ should be ‘not’. Also, period after ‘trip’. Yes, Kuraodo again.
hole is definitely to your everyday trip"
I finished reading chapter three! Again, watch those periods. Watch them a LOT. There are multiple occasions of ‘s’ typos or lack there of. Speaking of which, you have quite a number in this chapter. Be more careful with them, kay?
< Message edited by mastin2 -- 7/16/2008 0:24:14 >