RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~You're a Gift


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RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~You're a Gift

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7/23/2009 16:50:10

Firefly
Lore-ian

It's been so long! Welcome back, Garnet, and I'm glad to see you turning out new poetry. I really, really missed you. I hope you don't mind that I start nitpicking right away.

quote:

Upon her egg a dragon mother awaits.

"waits" probably flows better and fits more.

quote:

Her chest wells up with pride.

When I think the word "well," I think of liquid stuff, like blood or tears. You sure you didn't mean "swells"?

quote:

~~Black~~ onyx eyes started to gleam.

Kinda redundant. Onyx is black. You don't need that word there.

quote:

Then tucked it under her wing.

I think "underneath" flows better here.

quote:

A dragon's lullabye poured from her lips.

"lullaby"

quote:

She knew their time wouldnt last.

"wouldn't"

quote:

She knew she wouldnt last much longer.

"wouldn't"

quote:

"You are my gift to this world my son.

I took out most of my comma suggestions, but I have to say this one. I think you really need a comma after "world"

quote:

Where old dragon's go to die.

"dragons"

quote:

As he breathed a mounful sigh.

"mournful"

quote:

Their goodbyes were said with tears.

I think "with many tears" flows better here.

quote:

The only chromatic dragon to be found.

Doesn't flow. I suggest replacing "to be found" with "around."

I really liked how you created some unique dragon lore (none of the immortal life thing, for one). The concept of a journey just beginning was well done. The way you punctuated it isn't really to my tastes, but that's just my opinion. It doesn't look like you've gotten rusty at all! Oh, and it was unique of you to have the mother die from old age than the more typical and dramatic murder scenes.

AQ	Post #: 151

7/23/2009 19:00:28

garnetdragoness
Member

I have missed you as well Firefly! thank you, thank you, thank you! I swear about 95% of everything you pointed out was typos....as usual for me.....as I was pressed for time and didn't preview it before posting. I have made all the corrections and am so glad you enjoyed this little story. it has been in the works for quite a while. thanks for not giving up on me-lol.

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 10/27/2009 9:57:05 >

AQ	Post #: 152

10/27/2009 9:56:31

garnetdragoness
Member

WOW!! A new poem!! Another Time and Place Ok, I know.....it's been a while.....sorry about that. The craziness of the real world keeps me from being here as often as I would like to be. More to come soon....I swear!

AQ	Post #: 153

11/26/2009 18:12:52

Firefly
Lore-ian

Sorry, I haven't been very active for the past month. Been cramming to write the first 50K words of a novel. Anyhow, I'm here to check out your latest poem, so rejoice! =P

I really like the diction here. Love how the last line relates back to the title. And once again, good job at taking an old topic and making it sound fresh. My only objection is that some parts don't flow very well. I've pointed those out below:

quote:

I thought you loved me,

Even though this runs the risk of sounding really repetitive, I suggest you add a "that" after "thought." It just doesn't flow very well right now.

quote:

like nothing was there.

I think this needs to be slightly longer. Either add a "just" before "like" or add a "even" before there.

quote:

I do not show my tears,
showing I am weak.

Double-"show" is a bit repetitive. I'd change the second line to "revealing that I'm weak" or something. And I think "will not" is stronger than "do not" but your call.

Once again, good poem! Hope to see more from you soon! (even though I have no room to talk, what with not updating my own poetry, not responding to comments, /and/ not reading others' poetry).

AQ	Post #: 154

6/29/2010 19:54:49

garnetdragoness
Member

hey will fix that as soon as I can. my internet access has been reduced to mobile web and havent been able to get on here in long time!!!!!! all fixed!!!!

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 9/18/2010 19:59:56 >

AQ	Post #: 155

2/11/2013 12:17:51

garnetdragoness
Member

finally....after waiting what seems forever...I have posted something new

Angel Lost

AQ	Post #: 156

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