RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - Comments


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12/7/2008 7:15:55

Fleur Du Mal
Member

@Crimzon: Thank you so much for the reread! Yeah, it is pretty much the same old... So far, only chapter 4 has something new to it, otherwise it's just shifting of words and paragraphs and smiting some of the wordiness...

1) I took a look at the links and lolled =P Yeah. However, my problem is that it is 'criss-crossed' with a hyphen according to my UK Collins dictionary and it is 'crisscrossed' without the hyphen according to my US Webster's Dictionary. That's why the hyphen probably ended there in the first place. I changed it 'crisscrossed' anyway, reasons I'll explain at point 3)

2) Oops, it's a good thing you caught that 'the most'-thingy. Yeah, it should be 'the cruellest method'. I sometimes have difficulties to draw the line between words that take the -est and words that need the 'most'. Fixed, thanks!

3) Last point. Yes, UK spelling for that is 'jewellery'. I have no idea, what is the most common choice for spelling that in my country though, since English is not an official language here, although it's taught to practically everyone at school. The English taught at school here is in most cases UK-English, although guidance on how it differs from US-English is also given. Almost no attention whatsoever is payed to eg. Canadian or Australian English. That's why I tend to catagorise English into two boxes: US and UK. However, after graduating from school, a lot of influence comes from the US-English. For example, many of the books used at universities are written with US-English. Also, the impact from tv, cinema, and music is huge. Therefore, I think that the US-way tends to dominate when people from this country communicate in English. Even more common might be mixing up the two.

Now, I personally tend to favour the UK-notation. Especially with the story Where's My Rose? which takes mainly place in the UK. I am not so strict with Avoiding the Inevitable, even though I try to be consistent and therefore, type 'jewelry' as 'jewellery' However, since I like better how 'crisscrossing' looks without the hyphen, I changed that. Furthermore, I would imagine there's a lot of influence from US-English seeping into UK-English, so I don't think that whether there is or is not a hyphen is something my old school teacher would've flogged me for =P

The thing with joggling between the UK and US-spelling is that checking separate words is easy. My dictionary usually tells me if a certain word is written differently in US than it is in UK. (This is the reason why you probably don't find me correcting others if they spell things 'armor' instead of 'armour' or vice versa -- if I ever do that, kick me hard! =P) However, there are also differences with the usage of certain articles, prepositions and verbs. I'll probably be messing those up. (I even mess the spellings up when I'm just posting comments instead of actual prose, without checking the words. Eg. In my prose: 'analyse'. In a post: 'analyse' /or/ 'analyze')

Eg. She goes to university. (UK)
She goes to a university. (US)

The shop is in the High Street. (UK)
The shop is on Main Street. (US)

etc.

@Firefly: Yeah, you most certainly are making sense. I didn't even know the difference between a contraction and an abbreviation before I came to L&L. Once you pointed out my occasional excessive use of contractions I did some studying. =)

DF	Post #: 51

12/7/2008 17:07:09

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Chapter 6 A Brittle Moment of Avoiding the Inevitable has been reposted.

I'm sorry if it sounds more like an infodump now, but I really needed to elaborate on Zhoom's clue-finding.

I also dropped another hint about Lux Alba's past (in spoiler-tags just for those who have never read this story - for those who have, it's a free game):

spoiler:

After running from away home with all those burnt bridges left behind, she had found her master; a wicked lady who taught her magic and used up all her trust.

This addition is mainly because Argeus pointed out in the olde L&L that Lux was a bit too eager in slaughtering vampires in chapter 2 and that her hatred needed reasoning. I made a quick fix because of that comment into chapter 10 at the time and I am now dropping little clues here and there to add to the background.

Other than those two things, I mainly edited the wordings in the opening paragraph.

*goes to get some badly needed sleep*

DF	Post #: 52

12/7/2008 23:41:56

Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer

Read chapter 1!

quote:

Granted, this area of the gallery wasn't as crowded as the one straight after the entrance where the famous Nightmare had been hung on a crimson wall, but still, for a person suffering slightly from agoraphobia, it was a tad too much.

imho... it just flows better as "hung" instead of "hanged". your choice though.

quote:

She glanced wishfully at the small book store the museum had, wishing it would've fitted in her budget to buy the catalogue of works, to take it back to the hotel with her, and spend the falling night browsing through those works of art that brought shivers to her spine, scaring her, and yet luring her back into the strange world of horrors and hidden desires.

imo... shouldn't it be "brought to her spine" or "had shivers on her spine"?

Like it so far!

Post #: 53

12/8/2008 13:47:11

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi, Brynn!

Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

I agreed with both of your points and changed them.

I learned something new, lol. I had to check the hanged/hung verb. Apparently, I thought that they were equally accepted forms of the same thing, but in fact, it's hang, hangs, hanging, hung for everything else except when referring to an execution... Well, that painting surely wasn't executed, even though using that word might enhance the mood... =P

Thanks again!

DF	Post #: 54

12/12/2008 16:14:24

Fleur Du Mal
Member

@Firefly: Finally edited in your comments on chapters 2 and 3 of Where Is My Rose?

Additions on describing London Town and the Tate Britain Museum in chap. 1 are still scheduled in the future = to be done when I'll post chapter 4.

Anyways, to the comments.
Chapter 2:

I added something to the binocular-scene, lol. I gave Laila a cell phone. Here's what Matthew saw in addition to the clothing and remarkably red hair =P:

quote:

If her appearance hadn't startled him enough, her following actions did. He watched closely as she flipped her phone shut, smashed it against a railing, and threw the remains of the apparatus into the nearest garbage bin. Matthew let out a small gasp as her eyes turned upwards. He expected to see rage fitting what she just did. All he saw was a moment of passing despair, followed by resolution. Oh my God. That expression...she looks just like...

Now the last sentence is hinting at something I originally wanted to leave in the dark until very late in the story. Now, I'm going to refer to that through-out the story, although the so-called big picture may be revealed only near the end.

This is not a spoiler, though, you'll understand it as the story progresses, lol.

To the more detailed stuff:
1) Agreed totally with that and removed the 'briskly' and 'blue' from the 'azure-blue'. Yes, the latter was pretty redundant.
2) Removed the description of the tone of voice. Lol, I've been doing that to Avoiding as well. Not all of it has been removed from my stories, but some... It's starting to sting my eyes as well =P Would it just be possible that I'm overdescribing some things and underdescribing others? *le GASP!* =P
3) Agreed as well and removed the 'thus'
4) Same goes as well with the 'leering down on him'-part at the end of the chapter

5) Regarding the 'runs in me blood'. That 'me' in there is intentional. It's just something Albion would say, so I left it as it is. Also, I really really really want that line be separate, so I changed the preceding comma into a colon.

6) 'on time' it is.... I swear, the day shall dawneth that the English prepositions shall me killeth! =P
7) Mr and period already addressed =P
8) Oh, good that you saw that. Actually it's not typoed 'stopped' but it had something missing. Changed to 'stepped in line'
9) Such a stupid memory error... added the preposition => 'gaze at the Thames'
10) Changed the comma to period before the quote. Yeah, my speech lines tend to hang with commas even when they would be better off with periods...
11) "Thankful it is," fabula said, thanking Firefly for the suggestion. =P
12) Another comma to period change...
13) Oops, another mishap with placing my commas, moved it to where you suggested.

Chapter 3
Lol, regarding that most of this chapter was typed when I sat in a stairway, working as a doorman at a freaky student party after midnight....it's pretty odd that it came around with less errors. Maybe I should do that more often... =P

1) Hmm. I sat around and thought about this, but I find myself reluctant to change that 'slid its doors open'... Dunno exactly why, might be just one of my odd stylistical preferences. And I like the verb 'slide' =P
2) Agreed both on the word 'ludicrously' and on the 'thus', so both removed. I tried to keep my 'thus'es on check, I seem to fancy that word a tad too much...
3) The fact that the comma was missing after the 'flick of a wrist' was unintentional; it should have been there in the first place. I considered for a while if I would rather have the sentence without the pause, but it seemed a bit too artificial here, so I decided to add it there. Agreed with the 'in' straight away and removed it.
4) Yes, I *insert a random but nice verb here* that sentence with the 'ominously malice.' I went for 'ominous covers' =P
5) Fixed the comma mistake by moving it to its proper place.
6) And another comma changed to a period.

Thanks again, Firefly!

In other news, chapters 7 to 9 of Avoiding the Inevitable have been reposted. These chapters had it easy. No essential changes to the contents. I killed a tiny bit of the wordiness at some points, killed some repetition of the word 'mist' and did some word changes here and there, but as I said, no remarkable changes or additions in these chapters. Although I couldn't restrain myself from adding this (new stuff in bold) =P:

spoiler:

You should be asking yourself if she’ll really confine herself to just one goblet, she thought and attempted an assessment on whether the vampire was devouring Zhoom with her eyes only because of her thirst. The mist nullified all her efforts, though. Had she her full strength, she would surely be the bane of every man. As another whiff of sweet perfume stroked her senses, almost melting her brains before she managed to fight it off, the mage added, And woman.

DF	Post #: 55

12/12/2008 17:11:54

Firefly
Lore-ian

Yeah, good choice in leaving the description off 'til you're writing. That kind of thing ties more in with writing than editing, if I'm making sense.

Ah, good work with the cell phone smash! Maybe it's my fault for being an stupid/inattentive/overthinking reader, but why did she smash her phone?

Ch2:
2. Trust me, I don't blame you. It's an insanely hard habit to get out of. I did it so much in my older writings it's not even funny... Now, I have to pause everytime I describe voice and ask myself, "Is that really necessary?" If it's not, I cross it out.
5. Okay, that's fine. I just thought it sounded really odd 'cause he didn't have an accent or anything in the rest of his talk. It just seemed a bit... hill-billy-ish. =P Sorry if I offend anyone with this, lol.

Ch3
Typos come in odd ways. I made a writo on the board today in class. It caused a lotta chuckles... Lol, you wrote it like that? Don't worry, I've had odder things, like making more typos in a poem than I did in entire HotD chapters. (A more plausible explanation of why I didn't find that many glaring typos is that I probably got lazy/lost my keen focus after already reading a chapter, lol).

1. Slid is stronger than open, agreed. If you value the description more than trimming, then it's fine.
4. Ominous works, since it's more psychological rather than physical like malicious, imo.

/me bounces around on the edge of her seat waiting for Fabula to write the next chapter! :D

_____________________________

AQ	Post #: 56

12/13/2008 16:08:05

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Lol, the reason she smashed the phone has not been revealed yet. I might refer to it already in chapter 4. We'll see.

Note that the timeline of the story is not straight; second scenes in chapters 1 and 2 (and 3) take place only after the first scene of chapter 3, so basically the moment that passes when Laila smashes the phone has not been told form her point of view. Only through Matthew's eyes. Hmm, I fear I might've made it sound even more confusing, lol.

Hill-billy-ish? I'm not offended, lol. I dunno if Albion might be, but I'm not =P

DF	Post #: 57

12/30/2008 7:13:06

Fleur Du Mal
Member

I'm badly behind my schedule, but as long it's just a loose time frame for this hobby, it shouldn't matter that much.

However, I managed to squeeze the reposting of chapter 10 of Avoiding the Inevitable before the year ends. All edits are unnoticiable article switches and cutting of unneccessary words except for two things.

1) I added a tiny bits about the vampire hunters' appearance (new stuff underlined):

quote:

The man turned to his young companion for an answer. His worn-out clothes matched Sonny-boy's, whose drenched coat and trousers had more patches than original fabric. Still silent, the boy looked up with an earnest expression on his hungry face and nodded obediently. Then the two turned away and left, directing their path towards the town.

2) Added one more reference to what happened to Lux Alba in the past that made her hate vampires so much. Actually, it's not a simple reference any more, it's more like a flat-out explanation. =P For those who have read the story before take a look at the spoiler below. A bit icky/innuendotastic in the slightest possible way, but, you have been warned. =P (new stuff bolded)

spoiler:

Denounced from the humans, denounced from the vampires. The first ones would do exactly what the hunter had just tried if she dared to make a contact. The latter ones would surely rip her apart if she had the courage to show her face around them, after sending so many of their kind to meet their ancestors in long-delayed family-reunions. Starting with the creature who had lived in her master's attic. The memory of the countless human bones littering the dark floors forced a bitter laugh out of her. Ironically, she was now one of the race she had despised ever since those defining months, long-gone but still not buried.

To how many dances she took me to bait the young men? Always in flirty dresses. Always asking those who fell for it to come in secrecy for the sake of protecting her protégé's honour. Lies! No, it was for the sake of supplying her lover with blood when the needy little boys came to call...

Lord Frydae's revenge was far more devious than she had realised.

I'm trying hard to get the last 3 chapters reposted this week so that I could move on to writing the Rose. That's because every time I make an addition to Avoiding I realise how much I yearn to write something new...

< Message edited by fabula -- 12/30/2008 7:14:05 >

DF	Post #: 58

1/2/2009 16:41:49

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Whew...

Chapter 11 On Hunters and Moonlight got reposted on Wednesday. The beginning of the first scene was edited to offer a better glimpse on Amityvale through Zhoom's eyes. Second scene got it easier. I only cut down the wordiness at some points. An spent considerable time battling with myself on how to improve the ending, but... the juggling between words veiled enough and words descriptive enough make it really difficult to significantly change it.

And now to the 'Whew...'
Chapter 12 The Sacrifice had it bad. The previous version was so horrible I almost puked when I reread it. What on earth was I thinking 6 months ago, posting ... stuff like that?

The majority of the first scene was almost completely rephrased. A lot of wordiness was cut down, some actions removed altogether and... yeah another expression from an inspiring song found its way to this story. It's just two words, but anyway, I'm now considering making one extra post after chapter 13 where I shall list all sources of inspiration to this story.

Editing scene 1 was far from easy. I originally added one paragraph that I had to remove as soon as I got it down, because it changed the mood too light. Then I wrote it again and the sensuality ratings went up. UP. /UP/ So, I had to delete it as well. Finally found something that doesn't mess the whole thing up...

Scene two was mostly left as it was. One sentence added about the smith's state of mind, but otherwise just some minor wordiness corrections.

Scene three... Should I even start with scene three?

I mean... the wordiness of it... it made the characters' movements in the fight seem like they were rowing a boat in tar. Srsly. So, it was chop-chop-chop-choppity-chop.
It may be a choppy scene now, but it's waaaaaay better than before. It may be bad, but not half as bad as... Yeah, and the fight is kinda ping-pong-tennis-match-type visually, so the choppiness should work. The fight in the last chapter may keep more of its wordiness as it's supposed to look:

quote:

circled each other like deserted boats in a twirling maelstrom.

Anyways. I need a break.

And yeah, any comments are appreciated. Bash it all you want. I don't mind. You can't bash it as hard as I do in my mind.
(hmm. Should I start a Literary Discussion thread about bashing critique written for its entertainment value...)
*mutters and disappears*

DF	Post #: 59

1/3/2009 19:22:11

Fleur Du Mal
Member

The reposting of Avoiding the Inevitable has been completed with the edits on the final chapter- 13 Into Eternity

Rewrote the beginning, added some elaboration on the vampiric relationships from the Lord's point of view, added a paragraph on Sonny-boy, namely:

spoiler:

On his flight:

Like a rabid hare, the boy fled. But no matter how fast he ran he couldn't escape his own mind, filled with the horrors he had seen: the cursed eyes that flung him to the pits of Hell for what he had wronged; the look on his father's face as he drowned in his own blood. Oh, he ran until his lungs burned and he fell on the ground. Delirious, he saw bodies crawling after him. The bodies of the vampires his father had left dead at their wake. He stumbled up and continued to run, mad beyond the point of return.

Cut down the wordiness of the endings of both scenes.

Also, the very ending was edited to be truer to the idea I liked it originally to have, but didn't achieve in the previous version. Some of the 'delirium'-parts were lengthened to the tinyest of degrees; a sentence here, another there.

Note that the fighting parts in scene 1 were left pretty much as they were. It's not meant to be action-y. It should be like a short, visually descriptive narration that they fought, it looked like this and this was the outcome. It /should/ be a lot different from the scene in the previous chapter.

Scene 1 is now slightly bloodier than previously, but I trust it to be still very much within the limits of PG-13.

Next stop: adding some thank-yous and updating Rose!
@}`--,`-

< Message edited by fabula -- 1/3/2009 19:23:20 >

DF	Post #: 60

1/8/2009 17:31:10

Fleur Du Mal
Member

The first chapter of Where Is My Rose? has been edited. It should have a tad more description now. Meredith's still living in Whitechapel, but I had to change the Tube station the boys were headed to from Whitechapel to another station in the same area, the Aldgate East station, because it'll allow "better scenery" on the boys' walking routes.

I might have to also edit chapter 2 before I'll feel comfortable enough to move on to chapter 4. Not sure about this though. Another thing stalling me would be an additional writing project I'm not sure yet that I can/will post here.

And I still have the sources of inspiration for Avoiding the Inevitable to list and post...

Anyways, enjoy! Which ever story you'd choose to read...
And if you are reading none, then enjoy life! =P

DF	Post #: 61

1/8/2009 17:58:53

Firefly
Lore-ian

Me wants moar Rose nao. =P

I'm reading. Just letting you know. Though, the depth of my comments for the Rose updates might not be extremely optimum because I am currently flooded by RL. However, I really want an update so I know what happens next. ;) I'll make sure I say something helpful, though I doubt I'll be chopping every sentence up.

AQ	Post #: 62

1/8/2009 19:09:38

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Well, I will appreciate all your comments! No matter how "optimum" they are.

Let's see what happens with chapter 4. I do have the intentions to write it before the end of next week, because, after that, I'm expecting to be pretty swamped by RL myself.
However, for the reasons said above plus the fact that one can't really hinder RL protruding into one's life when ever it pleases =P, I may betray my own intentions.

DF	Post #: 63

1/24/2009 18:02:25

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Some news. I don't know right now how much time it'll take before I can update rose. I have started the chapter 4, but I'm having trouble with the story. It seems I might have made some bad decisions about the storyline, and even though that doesn't mean I would need to rewrite anything I have written so far, it does affect my plans on the future chapters. This efficiently breaks my focus everytime I try to sit down and write the story. So, it might take two weeks, three weeks, two days,... I can't tell just now. Anyways, just letting you all know and no, the story is not cancelled.

In other news, I put a little recipe-story in the Other Literary-Art board just for
1) the sake of writing /something/
2) to save the guidelines for that recipe so that I won't end up forgetting it altogether. =P

If you want to, you can read it here.

DF	Post #: 64

4/13/2009 4:12:55

Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK, time to update the Rose.

I'm not sure when I'm finished with the remaining three scenes for chapter 4 Lunacy in Where is My Rose? so I decided to post the first scene. It's pretty short, with an introduction of Meredith and her friend Lisa. If you happen to be curious about the following scenes, then scene 2 will take place in the same apartment, with same characters as scene 1, but a few hours later, scene 3 will show what G.J. and Charlie were up to in the meantime and scene 4 casts some more light on Laila's past. Or maybe not light but more hints.

Scenes 2 & 3 are close to being finished, so I'd expect having them posted by tomorrow. No guarantees, though. Scene 4 might take longer as it is currently too blunt even to my taste. And that's saying a lot. =P

EDIT: Scene 2 posted

EDIT2: Scene 3 posted. Whew, probably still needs a lot of work. Anyways, RL's going to steal me again so I doubt scene 4 will be here before weekend. And yeah, this is a long chapter. I never really cared for having chapters of similar length, to be honest. =P Why are all these scenes in the same chapter? Because of the timeline, lol. They all happen approx. the same time. In contrast to the scenes in the previous chapters. Makes no sense? goooood. =P

Enjoy!

< Message edited by fabula -- 4/14/2009 19:05:07 >

DF	Post #: 65

4/16/2009 17:05:17

Firefly
Lore-ian

Finally! I read the first two scenes the day you posted them but I was pulled away before I could comment. Until now. And then I realize you added a third scene. So I read that and now I am commenting for real. =P

I really like how you captured the essence of London. You really took my "setting description" advice to heart, eh? I haven't been to London myself, but your description sounds a lot like the classic London: smoke, light polution, dark streets, pubs...

I do like how Lisa and Meredith tease Matthew. I can't really spot enough wrong with the first two scenes but /something/ isn't quite right. I'm not sure what. Bets are that it's just me.

The third scene was good for its description like I said. There's just one thing that's slightly odd with it: the shifting POVs. At first, it seemed like Charlie was the POV character, with all the looking in the sky and pondering, ect. Then G.J. when you started making him comment about the man in direct though. I managed to swallow all that, but once you started brushing around the man's head, I felt a little overwhelmed. I don't think your style is technically an omniscent POV so I think all the head-hopping is really weird. Sentences like:

quote:

The man looked energized to the brim. Inside his mind, he was already living the moment when he would hand the bouquet to his sweetheart.

give info that the POV character won't know. You can rephrase this one to something like "The man looked energized to the brim, as if he were already living the moment when he would hand the rose to his sweetheart." (Less wordy version: "...as if he were already preparing to hand the rose to his sweetheart")

There was also:

quote:

the man recollected, slowly turning to gaze into the sky. “Stars,” rolled on his lips, but never left them, as he saw none of those brilliant pearls.

Again, this can also be rephrased so that it doesn't dump info that the POV character doesn't know.

quote:

“She's very clever, she knows everything. She has to, she's a tutor at Univ...Universti...University. Civilized and beautiful. To my eyes, she cannot be other than beautiful, beautiful like...” The man turned his gaze to the sky, but found nothing but a smoky darkness. His expression fell.

“The stars are gone," he whispered, staring at the city lights that hid them, "yet I know they are beautiful. Like she is. Beautiful. Gone. Dead, but beautiful,” his voice trailed somewhere the boys couldn't follow.

Yeah, I just think you can tighten up the POV a bit so we're not hopping from head to head without any transition. Also, I found it a bit weird that, when they first met the man, G.J. kept trying to tug Charlie away but Charlie wanted to stay. In the end, Charlie practically wanted to run while G.J. refused to leave. That felt a bit out of character for both of them--or rather, it felt like their characters weren't being distinguished, that they were almost interchangable. Tell me, is Charlie the sort of person to want to leave, or is G.J.? 'cause I'm not getting a sense of purpose or personality right now.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed the chapter and I hope you update again soon. I'm ending this post with a few typos I found in the third scene (I wasn't really looking too hard, and I didn't have time to copy down the ones in the first two scenes...)

quote:

His right hand began to tremble as profusely as the left he, while he stretched them nearer.

quote:

he asked, extendidng his trembling hands again.

"extending"?

quote:

Not only his hands and arms, put also his legs twitched,

"but"?

quote:

and his lips quivered, preparing tears to spill over..

Extra period?

AQ	Post #: 66

4/17/2009 16:40:43

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Thank you so much for the comments! I'll start by reponding to the typos... Gotta love them...=P
Consider them corrected. The first sentence was the most confusing, lol. I aimed at this:

quote:

His right hand began to tremble as profusely as the left when he stretched them nearer.

Shifting POVs.. well, I agree it is a problem to a degree, especially in those parts that dived into the beggar's head. I shouldn't have taken you there. =P
So here are my corrections to those two points about him:

quote:

The man looked energized to the brim, as if he was already living the moment of handing the bouquet to his sweetheart.

Pretty close what you suggested. And:

quote:

Charlie and G.J. expected him to finish his sentence with “stars,” but the word never left his lips, as he could see none.

I'll look into the POV-shifting between Gareth and Charlie later. I'm not sure if I'm going to change that so much as I was trying to do something like this:
1) Charlie said in chapter 2 that he liked London because of all the grim stories of death, etc, it has. In the beginning of chapter 4, scene 3, I wanted to point that even he had his fill. Maybe the reason he could enjoy horrors of the past and the imaginary horrors served in cinemas is that he can get out of that whenever he wants...

2) The lunatic interests Gareth. That's why I swapped to his thoughts after the sun has set.

Which brings me to the characterisation. I think the problem is that I have defined Gareth in my mind, but Charlie still has loose ends. That's why they might feel swappable. Also, I think I might have tried to play out something in that scene that the readers cannot fully accept, because they don't know the characters well enough...yet

Charlie is quite compassionate and sort of on the innocent side when it comes to people living on the edge of society. He has tight family contacts and has lead a reasonably protected life. The thought, that the man might be on drugs doesn't even occur to him. So, G.J. would like him to be more careful. However, when the man starts to babble about death, and the suspicion arises, Charlie gets scared, 'cause he thinks the man is mad enough to kill without even realising it.

G.J., on the other hand, is a tad more experienced, so he takes into notion that the man might very well be on drugs and unpredictable. However, pretty soon, as he man acts non-aggressively, responds well when soothed, etc, he notices how unusual the man is compared to the regular "man of the streets", and he gets interested. The babbling about death does not intimidate him, as he is better in reading people, and sees that he does not act aggressively towards the two. He suspects the man is lunatic, because of the loss a beloved one which he may have caused himself.
A spoiler about his character, read if you are curious, only slightly spoilerish.

spoiler:

He'll use the lunatic as an inspiration to a poem, as he does with everything he thinks is peculiar. Other chars. will read the poem and react in different ways.

Having said all this, I'm sure I need to rethink this scene and maybe retouch some point so that this behaviour doesn't seem so illogical to the reader without having to info-dump the above stuff into it. =P

I revisited the scenes 1&2 but found only 2 typos. Lol, I'm always blind to typos after writing more than a paragraph (and I just finished scene 4 =P).

quote:

I can't really spot enough wrong with the first two scenes but /something/ isn't quite right. I'm not sure what. Bets are that it's just me.

I have 4 different theories on this.
1) It's just you. =P
2) There has been several months between writing chapters 1-3 and this one, so my toning when it comes to Matthew might have changed.
3) Matthew doesn't ponder on the girl he just met, which may seem odd after the striking impact she made on him. (Or at least, I'm keeping the readers in dark about this, I made the decision, because we'll have time for that later... =P)
4) I don't tell enough about Meredith and Lisa. Their job is only referred to very vaguely. Meredith isn't described past the face, etc. As for point 3), I'm planning to scatter all this info here and there in the story.

*thankiehuggles Firefly*

Oh, yeah, posted scene 4. I bet there are so many typos that anyone reading shall get an eye-infection from it. =P No, I'm just joking. Read on. It's safe. =P

_____________________________

DF	Post #: 67

4/17/2009 17:48:53

Firefly
Lore-ian

I did get the feeling that Charlie was nice and unsuspecting while G.J. was tough and courageous, but that was in hindsight. I think the best (and hardest) way is to show more of their personalities in the earlier chapters so that there actions here are more justified.

Onto the next scene! And I know what "ave" means now, so yay!

I did find a few questionable parts but I think they were a matter of style rather than typos. Unfortunately, I don't dare copy them all down because I'll end up critiquing the day away by nitpicking at every sentence. My current situation isn't allowing me to critqiue at such a level...

The scene was decidedly vague, and it felt controlled rather than just the writer being unclear, so I feel I can trust you. Laila's character feels different from what I remembered. It's probably just been too long, but I didn't think she'd be the kind of person to feel all warm and fuzzy about Matthew. Well, she did, but what I mean is, I didn't think she'd be too interested in him. I can't exactly remember what happened, though I think it was all Matthew's POV so it's not very helpful even if I did. Anyhow, I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing because it's good to show different sides of characters. And I have no right to complain since I sometimes do the same thing to break conventions and stereotypes.

Anyhow...

Like I said, I trust that the vagueness is intentional. Readers learn more about Laila's past and family, which is good, but you only revealed the what, not the why, which is also good. (And Laila herself doesn't know the whole why so you simply can't reveal it anyways). Sometimes, however, I think the technical wording got too vague. It's okay for a scene to be mysterious, but imo, it should be done with content rather than style. Confusing prose doesn't make confused reader; confusing prose makes annoyed reader, at least in my case. Most of it was good. There were just a few parts where individual sentences started making no sense and might lose the attention of more impatient people. Like:

quote:

I wonder, if he could feel what's not...what was...if he would lie it wouldn't matter and still run?

This is, imo, confusing not with the feeling of intentional vagueness but simply unclear prose. Especially the last part, which doesn't seem to make common sense. I like the style of hesitating to retain the mystery, but the prose feels a bit off. It's kinda like... I mean, I like doors where I can't open because I want to know what's inside. I don't like doors that I can't even see to begin with because I won't even know you're hiding something.

I liked how you communicated Laila's motives here and the way you ended it was very powerful. Has a great hook. Btw, does cutting herself affect the spell? (like, blood on the book would harm her or something?) I can't remember if there was a rule about that in the earlier chapter(s). It'll be interesting if that's the case, but it also might overcomplicate things. But hey, I love the "Think about what's the worst that can happen. Then write it" rule. =P Anyhow, it might be nothing, just communicating how distracted she is. I'm probably just overthinking.

AQ	Post #: 68

4/17/2009 18:59:31

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Warm and fuzzy? Oh my, I messed up in there... I'll tone it down, as soon as I've figured out how, lol. I can't show her totally cold, either. She's interested, but not in the "omg-I-just-fell-in-love way. Which that warm and fuzzy would indicate. So, yeah, it needs to be corrected.

Yes, I intentionally wrote the scene as vaguely as possible. Guilty as charged.=P I want to reveal even the exact nature of "what" bit by bit and the "why" will be spared quite late. I'm afraid I shall drive anyone who's reading this half crazy or annoyed to no end before that...by not telling much.

However, I'll be "fixing" the sentence you pointed out. But first, I need to debate with myself how much I want to reveal now. I was planning to blow the thing that sentence refers to into the open two chapters later, as the first cursed person steps onto the scene. What Laila wrote on the note will then be revealed.

Hmm, I think the obvious place to introduced Charlie's and Gareth's personalities better would be chapter 2, where Charlie and G.J. "fight" about their phobias. The latter part of that chapter could do with some editing, anyways. However, having them reacting more with the Tube passengers in chapter 1 might be easier to execute, since they would be observing strangers there, more analogous with chap. 4, than reacting to each others comments. I guess I have to fight with myself on this one as well. =P

Lastly, a note about the blood. No, there was no warning about blood. All the book tells about is the limitation to maximum of five people due to the fact that it "requires much concentration and energy." See, the book is as vague as I am! =P
I used the cut mainly to stress how distracted she is, as a cut to a finger is hard /not/ to notice. There are so many nerve endings in fingers, that in normal circumstances she should feel it.

I'm glad you liked the ending! Trillion thanks for all comments!

PS. I thought this sentence would be very well known (used by gladiators).
Ave Caesar, morituri te salutant!
Hail Caesar, those who are about to die salute you!

I love how one can put "those who are about to die" in one word, "morituri," in Latin. =P

DF	Post #: 69

4/20/2009 7:39:15

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Concidering how the story features me, there is no way for me to justify not keeping up with Where's My Rose. However, I will need to reread from the start first, because I forget stuff. It's one of my gimmicks.

It's just been LEET 'o' clock here. I expect to be posting on the latest chapters this eve.

Make that tomorrow; kind of tired... Might need to get myself a powernap.

Scratch that, too. Since you edited some stuffs along the way, I'll just comment wherever I darn well please!

1:

quote:

Occasionally some groups moved together away from one work to another, revealing a gap for her to slide herself in before another flock of people closed in around her.

Remove "together"

2:

quote:

All the other visitors wore very commonplace clothing, letting her black, tightly fitted blouse with loose sleeves and open back, together with an equally dark, laced skirt to stand out.

The combination of agorophobia and wearing somewhat of a daring outfit in public seems peculiar to me. I refer here mainly to the open back. Yes ma'am, I'm still that meticulous.

3:

quote:

A faint smile played on his lips when he moved on.

as he moved on

4:

quote:

A minute later, Laila woke up from her thoughts. Her mind's eye was still staring into the crazed woman's face, giving no room for the ghosts and witches of Macbeth around her to make an impression. So, she moved on, trying to shake that image out of her mind.

the "So," isn't really justified here, as the preceding doesn't too clearly seem an explaination of what could later be seen as a reason to look away. Also, loose the comma.

5:

quote:

Fairies on this side, fatal women on the other.

Not really a correction here, just making the point that fairies can be as lethal as any woman.

6:

quote:

All she could make out were shapes of some extravagant headpieces, so she waited the pair to move on, entertaining herself in the meanwhile by observing their gestures and comments.

waited for the pair

7:

quote:

So many paintings on ghosts, fairies, witches, and philosophers in moonlight, led her to wonder, had the artists believed in those things or had they merely been tools to represent the horrors of the bloody revolutions raging throughout Europe by the time they had been painted.

Call me crazy, but I for one believe in philosophers in moonlight. The revenge bit after this quote also does not apply to philosophers, so you might want to delete them from the list.

8:

quote:

Stretching his arms across the canvas, an old man with a long, grey beard and eyes without pupils looked a lot like she imagined the Christian God. Laila started to shiver as she took in all the suffering in the painting called House of Death. The man wasn't God after all, he was Death himself, blind, clad in dirty ashen clothes, offering the poor wretched humans, twisting in agony if alive, lying still and rotting away if dead, something that reminded an eternal peace.

Being really, really meticulous now, but the fact that the man isn't God does not stop her from imagining him as such. Hence, the term "after all" is out of place.

9:

quote:

Had she identified herself when she walked through the rooms?

This means: "Had she shown her ID to some figure of authoraty to authenticate her identity?
I think you want:
Had she identified with the figures portrayed on canvas throughout the exhibition.
Or something to that effect, as usual.

10:

quote:

Back in lobby, Laila found that she had already spent whole two hours and had no time to visit the permanent exhibition,

A:the lobby
B:two whole hours

First half of chapter 1 so far. I need to get used to reading off a screen so intensively again. Well, kind of. The main reason is laziness. Oh well, what better proof of our perfection as human beings than flaws?
Oh, and now for the classic line:
Where's my rose?

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 4/20/2009 12:06:39 >

AQ	Post #: 70

4/20/2009 16:37:29

Fleur Du Mal
Member

First things first, thanks for the comments! The rose is somewhere in this reply. =P

As you may have noticed, this story has not been updated that often. So, there isn't that much new for you to read, I have posted only one chapter since last fall, although, in addition to that, the first two chapters have seen some changes.

My original plans for a certain character changed somewhat since you took a leave of absence. Although, as you never knew/guessed the original plans, this change shouldn't make any difference. =P

Anyways, to your comments:

1) How careless of me! Removed.
2) I'm afraid I'm not going to change that. She's only slightly agoraphobic. Also, not being an average agoraphobic doesn't exclude her from being one altogether. So, a person who suffers from a mild case of fear of the crowds might still wear something like that. Especially, if they try to fight the phobia.

3)Consider that corrected.
4) Actually, I perceive it as an explanation: she moves further to see if she'd find a painting that would make a stronger impact on her than the witches.

@},--',--

5) Lol, that wording is based directly on the exhibition plan: Gothic Nightmares – Fuseli, Blake, and the Romantic Imagination; an art exhibition in Tate Britain, London, 2006, Room 6: Fairies and Fatal Women
Most of the paintings on fairies were on the other side of a curtain and the fatal women on the other side.

6) Arrgh! How did I miss that! Corrected.
7) It's a recurrent theme in the context of Gothic. However, doesn't require much believing in, so I removed it. Thanks for pointing that out!

8) Well, I think I could reason why to leave the 'after all' in there, but I decided to do the bold thing and replace it with:
'The man wasn't God but Death himself,...'

9) Lol, I replaced that sentence with:
'Had she walked through rooms full of artwork, or past mirrors, each reflecting herself?'

10) I added the missing article, but I didn't change the word order. Maybe I'm stretching grammar, but 'whole two hours' sounds in my ears a lot better.

OK, thank you very much again for your comments! I'll be looking forward to more, but I can't guarantee that I'll reply to everything as quickly as you may have gotten used to. I can get occasionally too busy because of RL to log on for few days.

Anyways, enjoy the story!

DF	Post #: 71

4/20/2009 16:40:46

Firefly
Lore-ian

Sorry, I meant to say this a while ago, but I keep forgetting. I didn't think Laila fell head over heels over Matthew. I would've started raising the uber banners of protest if that was the case. However, yes, I did feel that she liked him more than the earlier scenes seemed to suggest. I think it had something to do with how she was using thoughts of him to help her get through her misery--or whatever she was feeling in the bathroom. And also how thoughts of him seemed to be pretty high on her list since she thought of that before a lot of important stuff. Anyhow, I dunno how you can tweak this. Just a vague feeling that she was a little more receptive than her personality indicated previously.

AQ	Post #: 72

4/20/2009 16:51:22

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

I'm mainly rereading to refresh my memory, and where I either catch mistakes in updates or catch mistakes I haven't seen earlier, I shall still post them.

1: Attagirl
2: It's a deal.
3: :)
4: Still sounds weird. Can't conjure up any good alternative now, though.
(YAY, I FOUND THE HIDDEN ROSE!)
5: You and your trivia... You always strike me down with those darn trivia. Oh well, there wasn't really a point to point five anyway, so no harm done to my disgustingly enormous ego.
6: By not being as meticulous as me is how. Muwhaha!
7: You are welcome.
8: Oh my! The shock!
9: Fair enough. Very fair indeed, that there sentence.
10: You have the ears of a madman then. No offence.

I shall but fill the gaps with weeping! Meh, I'll gather up the patience for that, I suppose.

I sure will enjoy it. Though your declaration about different turns is somewhat freightening to me...

Continuing in Ch. 1. I shall have PM'ed you about this edit by the time you read this, so announcing here that I shall PM you about editing in my next comments is absolutely useless. Oh well...

11:

quote:

came the answer by the decorated window that poured the afternoon light on a massive wooden desk.

This means that the decorated window replied...
came the answer from (a figure) by

12:

quote:

Matthew hollered from the door to his friend who hadn't noticed that the others had already put on their shoes and jackets.

friend, who hadn't
Methinks...

13:

quote:

Once outside, a warming spring sun greeted them when ever it could

Should this be "whenever"?

14:

quote:

since they would spend their whole Easter break here, crashing by Meredith's place.

To crash by Meredith's place would be to stay at some vicinity to it, but not in it.
"crashing at Meredith's place"

That's that. Continuing later today.
Quite enjoyed the practical joke they played on the tube-riders, though I must say the "round........eyes"-comment I've seen come across quite a lot in tv shows and what not, a bit too much perhaps.

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 4/21/2009 8:27:15 >

AQ	Post #: 73

4/21/2009 12:08:11

Fleur Du Mal
Member

@Firefly: Thanks for the further explanation! Well, I'm glad to hear that it wasn't /that/ bad, after all, but you are right, she's still giving too much attention to him in her thoughts than she should. I think I can fix that by adding in a couple of lines about how she missed somethings he said in the cafe because her mind was somewhere else. And by toning down her current thoughts of him. I'll return to that later, when I've managed to think up something plausible. =P

@gwoonjustin: Still love to point out my mistakes, eh? =P

11) Some pieces of architecture speak volumes, no? Lol, I reworded the whole thing and left the blabbering window out of it:

quote:

“What? Already? But my muse is talking to me right now,” came the answer. The voice floated out from the guestroom, where the addressed young man sat by a massive wooden desk, writing in the afternoon light.

@},--'--

12) I'm not sure about that. Methinks the rule would go that if you can remove the part with relative pronoun without affecting the whole sentence, then it should have a comma.
Eg. you don't have a comma in: 'She is a person who can destroy us. ' Or in: 'I want a laptop which has a lot of computing power.'
But you would have a comma in: 'Joe, whose wife is a teacher, was found to have plagiarized all his scientific reports.'

I'm not a sure if the part after the who could be taken out in the sentence you pointed out.
*declares mistrial and moves on* =P

13) Yeah, it should. Corrected.

14) Lol, I and prepositions...we'll never learn to get along. Thanks for noticing that! Corrected.

Hmm. Maybe Charlie got the joke from the television? =P

Thank you so much for going through this again!

DF	Post #: 74

4/21/2009 12:57:54

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Don't you worry. I love pointing out mistakes to everyone.
(But yeah, catching one of yours does give bonus points)

11:Good.(You suck at hiding rosesXP)
12:Not sure...
13:DINGDINGDINGDING (this is me getting bonus points. I guess that was meant to be the sound of some carnaval thing where you use a mallet and swing away as hard as you can and if this little thing reaches the top it goes dingdingdingding. You know what I mean..)

If so, the timing between the two of them was very good. almost like it was rehearsed...

Again, I'm doing this mainly in my interest, so I know what is going on in the story and all. Nevertheless, you're welcome.

Chapter 2 (the infamous thesaurus)

quote:

Laila pressed the trigger, thus focusing rays of light to hit the full frame CMOS-sensor of her Canon.

Lol, reading this and knowing little about photography, I feared she was vaporizing something.
Cleared up quick enough though.

1:

quote:

Checking the LCD-screen, she saw that the background wasn't still blurry enough for her taste,

still wasn't
or:
wasn't yet

2:

quote:

An image of a small pile of memory cards lying on the hotel room table flashed through her mind as she realised where she had left her stash.

This sentence is a bit weird to me.
You use "as" to signal that two things are happening at the same moment.
However, here the two occurances can easily be concidered one and the same thing.
Not sure if this is wrong, per se, it just sounds quite odd to me.
Suggestion, should you choose to alter:
her mind, reminding her where

3:

quote:

With this kind of exposure, I might as well go browsing the stores; memory cards or not.

I think I catch your drift here, which is: I might as well go browsing the stores, regardless of whether they could provide me with memory cards.
However, reading it, it sounds more like this: I might as well go browsing the stores, regardless of whether or not I am carrying additional memory cards. Which would hardly make sense for her to think.
See what I mean?

4:

quote:

Two hours and a tea later,

I don't think you can do with tea what you can with beer; "Gimme a beer, barkeep!"
I think you've gotta say a cup of tea, or something to that effect.
Not sure though.

5:

quote:

a selection of speciality books, and a crooked-looking old man, lurching behind the counter, inviting the customer to step in to take a peek.

Being very picky yet again, but:
I don't quite understand the "crooked-looking" here. The addition of "looking" subversively implies that while he may seem crooked, this is an act, or something like that. I suggest you remove the "looking". It's not that your point doesn't come across now, it just looks a bit weird as it is.

6:

quote:

she gently stroked all the covers she passed by until she felt her hand touched something that was both soft and extremely cold.

Lol, I'll shut up about the temperature of the book now, or we'll be discussing it for weeks to come.

7:

quote:

She didn't understand a word from it.

a word of it?

8:

quote:

“Ah, an interesting choice you've made, Miss,” said the owner, giving her a startle as she noticed him suddenly standing behind her.

Wait, so first he judged that she was easily scared out of a shop, and was best left alone to browse for a while, now he's creeping up on her like a creepy creep in Creepville?

9:

quote:

It was clearly an unique print.

I think it's "a unique"
Exceptions are when the word starts with a letter like your U, but sounds like it starts with a letter like this here Y.
Just say it aloud once. "a unique print" "an unique print"

10:

quote:

As Laila waited for the answer, she realised that all the books in the shop were unique; not like in the most commonplace stores, where you have the routine one hundred Harry Potters in a row on one side of the shelf and the common twenty-odd Da Vinci Codes on the other.

She only realised now? What about:

quote:

There's always one of those curiosity shops to be found in London's endless net of side-streets: the kind of establishment with dark interior, a selection of speciality books, and a crooked-looking old man, lurching behind the counter, inviting the customer to step in to take a peek.

Was that, then, just the narrator? I felt it was kind of like the narrator expressing what Laila thought as she looked at the shop...

11:

quote:

“Just plain English, Miss. But you have to read it with a mirror. Here, try this,”

Laila sounds plenty intelligent. She really wouldn't be able to recognize mirrored alphabet with ease?

12:

quote:

Such an handsome smile. With so beautiful, full, and soft lips...

With such beautiful

13:

quote:

“I can't afford that!” she exclaimed, not quite able to hide her disappointment from her voice.

the disappointment from her voice.
sounds better, IMMHO

14:

quote:

“I can't afford that!” she exclaimed, not quite able to hide her disappointment from her voice. Even if it had cost one tenth, she couldn't have afforded it.

I'm no expert on photography, but I'm pretty sure the gear is pretty dear. How come she was able to afford it, but could not possibly spend even a hundred bucks on this book?

quote:

Instead, she counted the names of her enemies, Rosa, Julia, Maria, and You Whose Name I Shall Not Utter, prepare for me...

*GULP*

15:

quote:

sped with his parents high hopes and the highest recorded IQ ever.

parents'

16:

quote:

With a victorious smile and firm hold of their pre-booked entry-passes,

on their pre-booked
also: a firm hold
Methinks....................... I appear to be having a doubt-day, critique-wise.

17:

quote:

Leaving his friends messing around,

Sounds wrong to me...
to mess around?

18:

quote:

As his gaze swept along the river banks, he caught a sight of blazing flames of scarlet, advancing idly northwards, following the course of Victoria Embankment.

You might want to tone this down a little, as I was actually thinking of a fire being described here.

quote:

But with nice jeans. Too bad the magnification doesn't quite...

What a pervert...

19:

quote:

As he returned to his friends, his thoughts started to swim back to their proper places and he realised that Charlie and G.J. were at it, again.

Again? Not: still. ?

quote:

“No, you're mixing up the scientific terms. I'd expect more from you, with your 2224 IQ and all,” G.J. said as he pulled out a pocket-size paperback thesaurus from the depths of his jacket and started flipping the pages. Matthew rolled his eyes as his friend flashed the page with the definition of “acrophobia” written on it. Somehow, he couldn't help wondering if his fair-headed friend would flip that blasted book out even during verbal foreplay if his lady would dare to use wrong terms in the heat of the moment.

That had me lolling all over again.

quote:

“Of course I'll have you,” answered Charlie, smirking, “I'll have you in the handrail with a picture taken while I decapitate you,” he continued, referring to the “must-be-done” thing at the entrance of the Dungeon, where the staff guided queueing tourists to choose one of their company to pose tied in the rail while the others hold a fake axe to the victim's head .The staff took a picture, free to be purchased at the shop after the visit.

Oh, the trauma's I got there...*sighs*

20:

quote:

“Aren't you the vengeance-hungry brat,” said G.J., grinning as the flight neared its end.

You are now refering to it as a flight as if it actually is one.
To avoid repeating the parenthesized "flight", you might wanna go ahead and do the lunatic thing and just call it a ride here.

I think I'm pretty much back where I left off now.
Somewhat freightened to find out what happens next, but I guess I have no choice...

It should go without saying by now that I love your writing.

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 4/24/2009 5:45:21 >

AQ	Post #: 75

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