gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month
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I believe that is my cue.
1:quote:
"The deal's over. What you intend to do… it’s monstrous! We could turn a blind eye to your 'experiments' as long as you protected us, but you should have known we wouldn’t let you do this- we’re not your playthings. We're human, just like you."
When a deal is over, in my view, it has been completed. All those involved in it have done their part. However, when one refuses to participate in a deal agreed upon earlier, it is off. Therefore, I belive 'the deal's over' should be 'the deal's off'
2:quote:
And all of you can become greater than even me- At
No capital for 'at' here.
3:quote:
" The mage smiled, two lights beginning to swirl around him. One was blue, the other red- they were part of his way of focusing. The red light circled around his head, and the blue light made rotations around his chest.
I agree with Alix. This is pretty cool.
4:quote:
There is no afterlife, I'm sorry to tell you...
Concider turning around;
I'm sorry to tell you, but there is no afterlife...
Works better IMO.
5:quote:
They were thinking about what he had told him,
he had told them
6:quote:
"And after this... There will be no struggle. No more rumors. No one fighting you, no one bullying you. No arguments, no negativity, no disease, no aging, no thirst, no hunger... nothing but pleasure, satisfaction, and happiness. All of your fantasies will be realized.
You need to close these quotation marks.
7:quote:
The mage's eyes glowed, and something appeared behind them..
Remove a single dot at the end or add one. Seeing how you use "..." so much, I'd prefer removing one.
8:quote:
Tucker looked at the mage in the eyes, and stepped forward, pulling out a knife.
remove "at:
9:quote:
Do, and we will let you live.
Do so, and
10:quote:
He was finally taking control; they could defeat the mage, push him into the water. Him and his family, they could forget about this
Turn the last 'him' into 'he'. If not, it sounds like you mean the mage and his family, and pushing them all into the water. Would be even more clear if you used 'Tucker' istead of 'his'/'he'.
11:quote:
Forget that they ever let him use their town to do... whatever it was he did to humans, and just be happy.
To humans? Meaning Tucker himself is not a human? The towns smith said earlier that they were humans, so the word is inapropriate here.
12:quote:
. The smile was perfect- It not only made him look very happy
Again, no capital after hyphen.
13:quote:
"No! We were so close... We were about to succeed! We were going to have a normal and good life. And you had to come and screw this all up!" Tucker just stood there, screaming at the man in armor.
Why exactly does Tucker blame him?
Reading on, I just realized he was a 'bad-guy'. Kinda vague how you express that, though. He seems a member of the community...
14:spoiler:
"We tried to talk to you, Mr. Tucker. We tried to convince you to follow our path. But since you decided that you might just act like the hero of the day, it ends like this instead. For what I am doing now, you have no one to blame but yourself. You made this necessary." The man pulled the sword out of Tucker´s stomach, and Tucker fell to his knees. He was ready to collapse and rest, but a hand grabbed his chin. It forced him to look up into the face of his attacker, who had a smirk upon his face.
Why go through the trouble when a powerful magician is about to kill everyone with a powerfull strike...
15:quote:
And as long as they thought there was a psycho outside of their homes waiting to kill them, they'd stay where they were.
The opening "and" is renundant.
16:quote:
And that would give time for the mage to complete his spell, and for him to find… a certain someone.
Concider removing opening 'and' and turning 'that' into 'this.
I know you liked the and-repetition here, but, to be honest, I didn't. At all. It doesn't work.
17:quote:
He remembered her well enough… She had been beautiful. Long blond hair, and bright blue eyes. She always had a smile on her face, and she giggled almost as much as he talked. They had met before… But that was another time, and another age, and he pushed it out of his head. He did not need distractions.
All this 'he'-talk is getting complicated, with three important male characters. Call them by their specific features. Just do it once and then he is okay, as long as you don't overuse it anyway.
18:quote:
He just stood there for awhile, watching her.
http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/awhile.html :
quote:
When “awhile” is spelled as a single word, it is an adverb meaning “for a time” (“stay awhile”); but when “while” is the object of a prepositional phrase, like “Lend me your monkey wrench for a while” the “while” must be separated from the “a.” (But if the preposition “for” were lacking in this sentence, “awhile” could be used in this way: “Lend me your monkey wrench awhile.”)
So: a while.
19:quote:
And she opened her eyes.
Again, I feel the "and" adds nothing.
20:quote:
His two swords were on his back now, but his free hand rested on the handle of one, making sure he was reading for any sudden intrusion.
The 'but' suggests you've just recently explained the location of the other hand, which you haven't...
It's been a hard day's work for me, so I'm closing up business. You can wait for me to finish or use them now, I don't really care...
I'll be gone for a good part of tomorrow, but I promise to at least continue to some extend the day after tomorrow.
I have a bunch of stuff to say about style as well, but I'll wait until the end, so I have a full concept of it.
More. MORE? MORE! YAY!
21:quote:
The voice came from behind the man by the bed, and he turned to look at its owner.
'And' may not be the right word here. 'So' perhaps?
22:quote:
He held a long sword in his hand, its blade pointed at the man by the bed.
Either make that comma a dot or change pointed into pointing. Preferably the first.
23: quote:
There was no middle ground to be met, no minor victories to won.
'won' should be 'win'.
24:quote:
It was clear that they were not evenly matched: both were excellent swordsman, but the man who had been by the bed was beyond human, and possessing an unnatural skill.
I believe that colon oughta be a semi-colon.
25:quote:
He pulled his second blade from his back, and thrust it at the man with the long sword. The long sword wielder rolled away from the blade,
There's an unecesary repetition of long sword. I suggest making the first some more creative description and the second longsword, the word used for a specific kind of sword.
26:quote:
The long sword wielder rolled away from the blade, losing grip on his sword and crashing into a wall of the house in the process.
Regardless of your choice on point 25, change this 'sword' to something else.
27:quote:
Now, it must be said that sometimes, fortune takes the most unfortunate turns.
Very odd choice to take this narrator-style on all of a sudden halfway through the prologue.
Gonna go get some dinner. Even more soon. Promise.
28:quote:
For, as revealed when the wood panel slid out of place, the man had exposed the hiding place by pure chance.
I kinda dislike the paragraph as a whole, but this sentence is another one of em that sticks out. And there's something clear cut wrong I can say about it, so that helps;
This sentence means:
The wood panel sliding out of place revealed that the man had exposed the hiding place.
Surely not intended. Here's a possible alternative:
For, as the wood panel slid out of place, the man had exposed the hiding place by pure chance.
Also:
In that case, I think the comma can go.
I'm pretty sure 'wood' should be 'wooden' here.
And: So the children never made a sound?
29: Quoteless: Watch out with the word 'the man'. It is annoying whenever overused, but in the case of two males it is confusing as well.
30:quote:
The mage, still standing in the same area he had always been, began to glow a bright red color, and float into the air.
Always? Really? Since the dawn of time? Perhaps something like: he had been since ...
31:quote:
They were important, and he would not lose them over something so trifle as a piece of falling wood.
A falling piece of wood? What a rediculously random imagery to draw, if I may say so.
Well, its not so much the imagery, its how you draw it. I think this would make it sound more hypothetical:
They were important, and he would not lose them. Not even if a tree would crash down on them.
32:quote:
The mage begin, before the brown haired man interrupted him.
began
33:quote:
"Why? Why did you have to do this?”
I think it'd be stronger without the 'have to'.
34:quote:
simply fell in love with this woman, one of the most beautiful and genius philosophers in the world of Lore? No."
As the woman is not present, concider removing 'this woman,'
Also, concider turning the simple 'no' into a 'of course not'
35:quote:
It must have been a side-effect of the magic- In less than a minute, they had aged from one month to around three years old.
How about a dot instead of a hyphen there.
36:quote:
feel the need for their parent that all children have. "Daddy?"
parent=parents?
Break!
< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 7/8/2008 13:01:52 >
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