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RE: Fabula&Gwoon's The Cult Comments

 
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8/25/2008 9:26:49   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

As some of you already know, I'm currently making a very slow return to L&L.

To celebrate that, I posted the chapter 3 to the Cult as I should've done a month ago.

Apologies for the delay.

Enjoy the story!
DF  Post #: 26
8/25/2008 10:03:53   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


Well, might I just be the first to publically state, on the record:
YAY!

Holidays are over, so two weeks per person per chapter now.

*reads*


Being back at school, you need but blink and another day has pasted. Reading now.

1:
quote:

Like an Academy Award Nominee, Josh put on an act of indifference while he kept stepping back and fro between closet and bed.

Sounds like it's one step to, one step fro. Pasing, maybe?

2:
quote:

Two black suitcases lay open on the comfortable-looking bed, gaping in all the clothes he poured in them: shirts, trousers, socks, boxers, and whatever belongs to a man's wardrobe.

Gaping in?
Gaping at, maybe?

3:
quote:

Her light skin made a stunning contrast with the wooden walls so dark they could only be called ebony. Weird name for a weird girl, thought Josh as he watched Banshee took the last steps that still parted them, her hair tangled heavily against her shoulders, still damp from the shower she'd obviously taken after the previous exercise.

Exercise? This is mainly from Josh's POV. He doesn't know about the activities in her past.

4:
quote:

Josh reached out his hand, offering it for formal handshake or something but was instantly bewildered as she passed the extension and greeted him with a warm embrace.

"or something"?
A bit too undefined, too informal perhaps, for me...
"for something resemblig a formal handshake"?

5:
quote:

He watched her to correct her posture for final plea,

a/the final plea

6:
quote:

Don't throw your daughters away, making them pay for whatever I've done to you.

The phrase to throw away is used in contexts like "to throw your life away", meaning to ruin, to completely mutilate beyond repair. It may be a bit of an overstatement, even for an angry Lizzy...

7:
quote:

If you leave me to do that, I'll swear I'll make you look such a bastard they'll never want to even think about you again.

I swear I'll

Done!

I like it, though a hint of surrealism seems to linger here and there. I guess that's not a bad thing per se.

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 8/27/2008 11:21:30 >
AQ  Post #: 27
8/28/2008 9:33:52   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK, I'll go through your comments now...a faint false sense of deja-vu hits me from a month past.. =P

1. True. Changed to 'pacing
2. 'in', because the suitcases are taking in all the clothes.... I just used the wrong verb, lol. Corrected to 'gorging'. And that changed the preposition to 'on'....
3. Yes he does. Unless we have a misunderstanding with the timeline. This is from chapter two, after Josh and Banshee met in the Piedmont park and Josh read the note:
quote:

He was not as familiar with Greenville as with his hometown, but due to the little machine that graced his dashboard he reached the building within half an hour.

So, I'm under the assumption that he went to Droze Street a little after the meeting and therefore the 'previous exercise' is justified. Or is there a time gap between the poem and the driving in chapter 2?
4. OK, I'll act formal this time =P Changed to what you suggested.
5. Added the article 'a'.
6. In my humble but honest opinion, it's not an overstatement. Enraged/despaired people do tend to exaggerate. Left as it is.
7. Oops! Such an elementary mistake... Corrected.

Thanks!

As I was writing chapter 3, I took time to reread the previous chapters, resulting in a list of peculiarities that might need editing. I'll post the list with better time (read: when I'm not as lazy as I am now to type it out).

Surrealism? Most likely, that was unintentional. On the other hand, when everything one is used to, starts to crumble and the foundations of how one sees the world start to shift, the feeling resulting from that might just come across a bit surreal.... So, maybe it fits here.
DF  Post #: 28
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