Gianna Glow
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I'm back!
quote:
The Game
We've lost.
Deficit
too large.
No way to regain
the lead
or tie
or make it close.
Fear is
making itself
well known
for we
cannot lose.
We can't.
Or else.
Or else.
But the game's
been solid.
Some good plays.
Some crap plays.
Exciting.
We've put on
a good show.
We step out for
the last bit.
Doesn't matter
that we'll lose.
It's done.
Being a player
in it
has been nice.
I absolutely love this one, but I do have a few tips I think would make it even better. :D Instead of “Deficit”, I would say “The deficits are”. When you have it that way, its too jerky compared to the rest of your poem. One more point. I would take out the second to last line completely. It just sounds really off with it in there.
quote:
right?
right?
it's okay
no problem
when the sun comes up
it won't matter
we're here
not there
doesn't matter
no one'll care forever
it'll be a memory
to look back on
we'll only be here a while
so why not?
it's okay
no problem
right?
I really like this one (other than the bad grammar that makes it a little hard to read… especially out loud. I always read poetry aloud.) and it does sound cool. A few quick tips on this one as well. There’s not much to nit-pick here (unless you want a grammar/punctuation nazi…). :D I would take out “forever” in the “no one’ll care forever” line… it just really doesn’t fit and still makes the same sense after you take it out. No one caring implies forever.
quote:
Because
Skin
cracked
parchment paper
rips on cloth
scabbed
soul-sucking
dry.
Covered in
thin layer
blood.
Should
not
blood
moisten
hand?
Why
will
it
not?
Why?
Because.
Beginning of this poem is good, however, you get to the third stanza and it just doesn’t make sense anymore. I don’t see any rhyme or reason to why you did that stanza. It looks like a sentence that you wanted in there, but wasn’t sure how to do that… so you did one-word lines. Which. Sounds. Like. This. It. Is. Really. Jerky. Right? It’s a completely different feel than the rest of your poem. I would just work with that third stanza to make it fit with the rest a bit better. The ending? Its priceless. :D
quote:
The Other One
Five children start
with one goal in mind.
To help mankind.
They grow very fast
and now it's their time.
Powerwash slime.
Names for themselves
forged in the fire.
Made to insipire.
Remembered now,
then, and forever.
Though however
in the beginning
greater than them
there was a sixth kid.
Bad thing they did.
Lovely poem. It’s definitely thought-provoking. The rhyming is well done, except in one place. We’ll get there though. My first comment is that after the second line, I would put in a colon instead of a period. It makes more sense that way. Now, the second stanza where I have a problem with the rhyming. Yes, it does rhyme… but Powerwash slime?!? It comes out of the blue and doesn’t make any sense! (and before you go there, a note on poetry. Poetry never needs an explanation. Ever. Period. It just isn’t needed. If it doesn’t make sense in the poem, then you need to fix the poem. Poetry paints an entire scene with words. If a bit of the scene is left out, that’s where the questions come in. If you want more reasons why I don’t want explanations, I’d be happy to oblige.) The only thing I have left to mention on is the last stanza. Was it one bad thing they did? More? What did they do? The picture leaves a lot of questions. Other than that, it’s marvelous!
Ok, i'll come back and catch the last 4 or so later!
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