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Vios Kyros Comments Thread

 
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7/5/2008 22:16:45   
Shodu
Member
 



Only Chapter One's been released because it's the only one I'm remotely satisfied with (and I don't even like it all that much to be honest), I'll be editing and rereleasing chapters over the summer, changing names and such.

And I take my names seriously, for example:
Entiken's name was Pan-Chi in the original story.
Taeko's name was Tako in the original story.
Area's name was Arial in the original story.
Krone's name was Kri in the original story.
Ren's name was Harusia in the original story.

Anyway, comment if ya like please, at least just say "hi i read it" or something along those lines as if you don't I get the idea it's not read (leading to slower updates and lack of motivation). Comments and crit please~
AQ DF  Post #: 1
7/5/2008 22:23:52   
Crimzon5
Member

"hi i read it"

quote:

Shodu wanted to run. He wanted to drop his weapons and take off screaming like a small girl, and he had no doubt he would have if he wasn’t frozen in his place.

Lol xD

quote:

“For whomever may find this, my powers are yours. This is a collection of all the spells I have created in my travels, with instructions about the use of all of them.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think its whoever.

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 2
7/5/2008 22:27:03   
Shodu
Member
 

See, now I'm stuck in a jam. I 've been corrected from whoever to whomever to whoever again now. Wonderful =P

For now, excuse Dirgo as not as literarcy-gifted as the rest of us while I figure this out.

Oh, and <3's for commenting.
AQ DF  Post #: 3
7/7/2008 12:06:25   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi, you know I've read this =P

You know, since that whoever, whomever stuff is in a written letter, I don't really think how much it matters which form you choose. (I'm quite shamelessly drawing parallels between writing and speech here. Very soon, I fear, I'll get flogged for this, lol) I tried to look into it more thoroughly, but each web-site has different views and explanations. So I kinda like this one the most:
quote:

Sentences spoken by native speakers do not always reflect the grammar rules.


What's so horrible about chapter 2 that keeps you from posting it? =P

In the meanwhile, I'm randomly attacking this paragraph by making a lot of suggestions for you to consider,lol:

quote:

It was 1)quite a while before his heart returned to its normal pace, and even longer before his body had stopped 2) sweating. Realizing how thirsty he was, Shodu set off in search of water. The trees were rather thin and spaced out, so he began to search 3) closer to the more thickly packed areas, reasoning that more trees would grow around damper soil. He had been correct, and was soon drinking straight out of a small stream quite madly, ignoring that the fact that 4) since he hadn’t purified it with a spell he’d probably fall ill the next day. With the cold taste of water in his mouth he lay on idly his back and stared groggily at the sky. That had been the shortest battle in the entire war, and it had ended with him running with his tail between his legs. Shodu sighed, if he had known they’d had Ash’s he wouldn’t have joined the army. He stroked his hand through his dark and messy hair. His eyes were similarly dark, but instead of looking wild and messy they looked more calm with only a slight hint of panic about them- which was to be expected seeing 6) how he had almost bee 7) incinerated just moments ago. Shodu got up and leaned on a nearby tree, wondering where to go. He could try and contact his commanding officer, but he had probably been burned to death. He could also go back to the battlefield and find the person who had saved his life, but the enemy had most likely killed them 8)and everyone else anyway and would probably stick around to find any survivors.


1)To add variation, you could change the first 'was' to 'took' => It took quite a while before
2) I'm not sure if you need that 'had' in the same sentence => '..., and even longer before his body stopped sweating.'
3) You could replace the other instance of 'search' with 'look' or something of the like to reduce the repetition => ',so he began to look closer to the more thickly...'
4) You don't need that first instance of 'that' => 'ignoring the fact that'
5) Check that word order, I'm suspecting that it should go => 'he lay idly on his back'
6) Some little voice in my head keeps on nagging that there should be a comma between those two words.
7) A typo? Most definitely. => 'been'
8) Since this is referring to 'the person' in singular, I suspect it should be 'him' instead of 'them' => 'had most likely killed him and everyone else'

Have started to annoy you yet?
DF  Post #: 4
7/8/2008 18:18:32   
Shodu
Member
 

Fabula, will you marry me? =P

I'll update it when I get back from vacation, but I have all of those things noted thanks ^^
AQ DF  Post #: 5
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