Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline.


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12/29/2011 8:34:40

.Discipline
Member

I decided to combine all of my comments threads into one as there were too many.

The Poet Tree is here and is a collection of my poetic works.

The Times and Tales of Dalarai Delrix is here and follows my character Dalarai as he gets to grips with the hardships of the World of Lore. (currently discontinued)

5 Nights of Pure Magic is here and is an ongoing abstract piece dealing with a pocket realm which is saturated with numerous enchantments to provide entertainment for five nights to those able to see.

The World of Bronzefall is my own personal universe and revolves around physical deities which control aspects of magic and the disappearance of the creator. It also contains shades of characters from my previous work and RP events.

Comment. I like comments. :D

< Message edited by .Discipline -- 3/29/2012 11:31:04 >

AQW

Epic

Post #: 1

7/7/2008 15:37:06

Firefly
Lore-ian

quote:

Truly do I,

I think "Do I truly" the uninverted way is better here, but it's your call.

quote:

It longs for this.

I'd take out the bolded word. It's unnecessary, and it's a weak word. Because of how short poetry is, words that don't really hold their ground should be taken out.

quote:

'I love you too.'

Technically, it should be double quotes (")

Beautiful, just beautiful. You have a very strong sense of flow, so there's little to pick out in that regard. The imagery and rhyming scheme are also well done, nothing seeming forced.

Post #: 2

7/16/2008 17:19:20

.Discipline
Member

New Poem

My Home

AQW

Epic

Post #: 3

7/16/2008 17:23:01

Firefly
Lore-ian

I don't kid you when I say that I read it the moment you posted.

Anyways, upon a first glance, only one problem.

quote:

On the east of the lake,

Now, I get what you're saying but it sounds like you're forcing the meter. I know adding "side" would ruin the flow. For better comprehension, I suggestion. "To the east of the lake"

Otherwise, though, it's really beautiful. I love the example after example, the meaning and the theme, the shift and imagery, ect.

Post #: 4

7/18/2008 11:52:09

r0de0b0y
Member

Every tiem I logged onto creative writing, I've seen this thread staring at me in the corner. And after a week, I finally get something. Poet. Tree. Poetry. It's like this unspeakably obvious pun staring me in the face. Okay, I'm done, let's get down to business. I've taken the liberty of using my depraved life ready every poem in that thread. And since I never was an AP and I barely even know what 'prose' means, I can't comment well. But in mah lowly opinion, every single one on that page spoke to me, 'cept for the one about the panda. o.0

Post #: 5

7/18/2008 14:00:57

Firefly
Lore-ian

XD RB, I'd be worried about you if the Panda one /did/ speak to you. =P

Dizzy, I already told you this on IRC, but I'm gonna say it here again. My home was one of the best poems I've read in a long, long time. I dunno why I didn't say that in the above post. The shifting examples were /really/ powerful. I really loved them.

< Message edited by Firefly -- 7/18/2008 14:05:33 >

Post #: 6

7/24/2008 19:33:00

.Discipline
Member

New Poem

Going Away

AQW

Epic

Post #: 7

7/24/2008 20:01:59

Firefly
Lore-ian

quote:

That long a time.

Dunno if it's fine as is or if it's better as "So long a time."

quote:

Nobody knew,
Nobody cared,

I think you're better off /not/ repeating this through two stanzas. Perhaps change the first two "nobody"'s (these two) to "no one"?

quote:

Forever more

One word.

quote:

'Oh yeah, he died...'

Again, I'm not sure if it's fine as if or if it's better if you took out the ellipses. You're trying to show that they /don't care./ If they don't even trail off or hesitate in their speech, it highlights the don't care-ness better.

Wow. That was one amazing poem. Got better and better as the stanzas went on. Great flow, too. This critique is ridiculous. I'm just being picky for pickiness's sake now... Take what you want and ignore what you disagree with.

Post #: 8

8/3/2008 14:56:42

.Discipline
Member

Firefly, that thing you picked up on in the last line was deliberate. The people did care about the persona, but he didn't realize it before it was too late. It basically tries to say 'Life isn't as bad as you think it is.' :P

AQW

Epic

Post #: 9

8/3/2008 14:59:00

time losh
Member

Like I've told ya before, I do read poetry but I'm not exactly one to comment on it very well.

I liked what I saw though, I really don't know a lot about poetry though so i'm sure my opinion here don't mean much

Anyway, take care man, keep on doin' what you're doin'

AQ	Post #: 10

8/31/2008 17:31:43

.Discipline
Member

New Poem

Firecracker

AQW

Epic

Post #: 11

8/31/2008 19:02:20

Firefly
Lore-ian

Nice twist! I liked the usage of sound and stuff. Good job! ^_^

No technicalities to say, though I'm a bit distracted atm.

AQ	Post #: 12

9/16/2008 15:46:18

.Discipline
Member

New Poem

Wisp

< Message edited by .Discipline -- 9/16/2008 15:48:09 >

AQW

Epic

Post #: 13

9/16/2008 16:04:10

Firefly
Lore-ian

Good, solid addition. I like how you did the imagery and the chilling endings. A few lines I thought were a bit long or something, but I really can't think of a way to fix. These are the two that caught my attention.

quote:

Our melancholy drifts away,

Maybe take out the "our"? I dunno.

quote:

The spirit rises from the fog

Perhaps take out the first "the"? The double the seems a little redundant.

quote:

When Wisp has come for you.

Not sure if it's fine as is or if "to" fits better than "for"

AQ	Post #: 14

10/27/2008 17:36:14

.Discipline
Member

New Poem

The Bard

New Poem

Party. Party! Party?

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 10/27/2008 22:51:39 >

AQW

Epic

Post #: 15

11/7/2008 19:18:24

Firefly
Lore-ian

I haven't dropped by here enough recently... Sorry. Reading the newest two poems I missed. As always, shift through my suggestions as you see fit. I hope they're of help. ;)

The Bard:

quote:

Is a man who knows just how all music is made,

For some reason, I don't think the "just" fits the mood of the poem and it didn't seem just for the flow. Imo, just take it out. Also, "all" can be taken out too. It seems to flow better without these two words. I dunno, maybe short and simple is the way to go here.

quote:

He plays beautiful songs with no note out of place.

Hmm... I think this line can use better flow and be trimmed a bit. Maybe I find it wordy. Anyhow, my suggestion would be: "His songs beautiful without a note out of place" If you don't take this suggestion, consider using "notes" rather than "note" That seems to make more sense.

quote:

With a melody that would calm even a brute,

I... don't like the rhyme here. It sounds forced. Maybe... "With a melody the most turbulent moods,"? Not sure if that's any better, but...

quote:

As he makes notes grow slower his arms both go numb,

I think this line here is just too wordy. My suggestion would be "As his notes grow slower, his arms go numb," Flows better, too.

quote:

He knows being The Bard was not worth for his soul.

I am completely unsure of the grammar here. I think "the" shouldn't be capitalized if it's "the" something in the middle of a sentence. I have no idea. I draw this simply from my vague recalls of reading. I might be wrong, and please ignore me if I am.
I don't think the "for" should be there. It's not helping the flow and it doesn't seem to make sense. I'd just take it out.

quote:

These feelings never lasts as long as they should.

"last" is probably the form you're looking for, since it's refering to "feelings" which is plural.

I really like the spin you put on here. I came in expected a lyric poem with some nice description of song and stuff. I came out having read a narrative poem with depth and feeling and power. You're amazing. I really enjoyed this, Dizzy.

Party. Party! Party?:

No objections here. I really loved this. Very emotional, very powerful, and very nice twist. It feels very real and easy to relate to. The flow and everything I really enjoyed. Great work! ^_^

_____________________________

AQ	Post #: 16

11/17/2008 7:35:41

.Discipline
Member

New Poem

Knife in the body

AQW

Epic

Post #: 17

11/17/2008 18:39:36

Firefly
Lore-ian

Reading the latest...

quote:

~~That~~ these feelings would die.

For some reason, I think it flows better without the "That" It's unnecessary, imo.

Well, what can I say? Impressive. Powerful yet simplistic. Wonderful ending. I like the layers of meaning that's lies here. The love, the hate, the twisted view of salvation, the regret... Very powerful emotions. Good work. ;)

AQ	Post #: 18

11/17/2008 18:46:31

.Discipline
Member

If you look at the verses in that poem, the rhythm is 5,5,5,6. The line you picked out is the last one in the verse, and therefore has 6 syllables, but I can see why you think it should have 5. It may seem sad, but yes, I count syllables. :P I wrote that as a song for a band that I am trying to set up with some friends as more of an expressionist thing as an actual attempt at fame. Mostly because we lack talent. :P

AQW

Epic

Post #: 19

11/17/2008 19:04:11

Firefly
Lore-ian

I had a feeling you might've had a reason for it. For flow, I simply read it as I say it and comment whenever there's something that's a bit off. Feel free to ignore anything I say 'cause in poetry, I'm just spewing whatever comes off the top of my head, lol. And it's a song? Makes sense. Translates into song pretty well. And it's not sad. Counting syllables just means you're a little less lazy than I am. =P

AQ	Post #: 20

11/19/2008 17:21:55

.Discipline
Member

New Poem

I Love Baroque and Roll (A collab with Cow Face)

AQW

Epic

Post #: 21

11/19/2008 17:51:16

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Hey, I loved doing this one with you! It was a lot of fun, and your lines really made me laugh. I'll probably read the rest of your poems tomorrow, as I got a bit busy.

UPDATE: I read them, and my mouth almost fell open. Your poetry is very good. I particularly liked A Knife In The Body. It in particular "jumped out" at me.
One thing, though: The link to the Comments Thread just links back to the thread itself.

Oh, and Panda was hilarious! I love the reference to Eats, Shoots, And Leaves.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/21/2008 16:08:57 >

Post #: 22

11/29/2008 19:17:47

.Discipline
Member

New Poem

Description

AQW

Epic

Post #: 23

11/30/2008 12:09:20

Firefly
Lore-ian

...Wow. I dunno what to say other than the general thumbs-up comment. Description had perfect flow, great word choice, and a very powerful last line. In other words, everything I wish to see in a poem. Good work! I dunno if I have anything to say line by line other than:

quote:

My hearing faint,

This makes sense and flows, but the lack of a verb here threw me off after the last few lines had verbs. I dunno if adding a dash or colon after "hearing" might help orient the audience, or if it's just me.

AQ	Post #: 24

11/30/2008 16:54:37

.Discipline
Member

I changed it to "My hearing, faint,"

New Poem

Matter over mind

(These are lyrics for death metal. I cleaned them up a bit from my original version. So if you don't get them or think they're really quite dark and scary, there is your reason)

AQW

Epic

Post #: 25

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