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RE: The Great Library of M|Thread 1.61~United Hope, 8/21/08

 
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8/21/2008 18:48:08   
mastin2
Member

NEW! Yes, new...well...sorta. See below...
quote:


8/21/00
3:45 pm local time
6:45 server time

It is done! I worked a long time on it, but I finished it! United Hope rework has been completed! If you read the old story...forget you did. This new one is completely different! United Hope is now my longest story ever!


That's right...I completely redid it. There are some recognizable elements...but overall...it's completely different. I also have two BRAND NEW, never-before seen chapters! If you've got some time to spare, skim it; it is truly one of my best stories so far, now, and could very well be the first story that I EVER finish!
Post #: 26
10/6/2008 0:33:04   
mastin2
Member

Okay, this is my largest update...ever. Seriously, it's huge! It's so large that I can't leave comments on everything. I'd love to tell you the inspiration for many of my poems and the metaphorical meaning behind a few others, but it's simply too massive!

quote:

10/5/08
9:27 pm local time
12:27 am server time

I just did perhaps my largest update of all time. I just added my whole poetry thread, as well as three stories. Dragon Mark, Time Light, Art of Flame, and Memories of the Truth are all posted. The secret update was United Hope. It, too, has all things fully up to date. I also have posted quite a few of my rambles. While Dragon Mark recently lost its title of longest ramble, it is the second-longest I've ever done. Check it out, and be amazed.


As a note, I STRONGLY recommend reading the prologue of Art of Flame, as well as that of Memories of the Truth (for the latter, go ahead and read chapter one as well if you wish, though, personally, I don't think it's as good).

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 10/6/2008 0:47:58 >
Post #: 27
11/14/2008 22:46:29   
mastin2
Member

Important Note to any crazy enough to read my works:

My computer broke. Naturally, this has slowed down my writing. :/

Don't worry, though. While, for a while, I thought I was too depressed to write a single word online, I overcame the depression and will be releasing something soon for my monthly releases. (Give or take, these updates are roughly once a month) Think poetry and comments, work on United Hope, and--as some people already know--another one of my more-popular works...and the latter, not anything within this thread, I'll tell you, will contain an announcement that, if I actually had more than one or two viewers (<_<), would make my readers go crazy. Well, not literally; you know what I mean! :P
Post #: 28
11/14/2008 23:47:16   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Hehe, I browsed a bit for link-stuff, and the first post still says:

quote:

NOTE: Link hunts are appreciated. Any faulty links need to be fixed. Disease and Plague have none because they haven't been uploaded.

You've linked them in the individual posts, but they're still not linked in the very first post.

I can't help but feel a bit intimidated by this thread, lol. Mastin, I know I owe you big time. Tell me what you want me to read, 'kay, or else I'll probably end up reading something that won't get updated in ages *cough*HuntersSlain*cough* Tell me and I'm at your service. ;)

Btw, I'm looking forward to you posting the Disease rewrites. It looks like I've given L&L the rewrite bug. =P
AQ  Post #: 29
11/15/2008 0:06:46   
mastin2
Member

...Rats. She found out. Well, I'll post the Disease rewrite now, since that is what I most want feedback on. This is the tip of the iceberg (I hate having no spellcheck...), though. ;)
Post #: 30
11/16/2008 7:06:31   
mastin2
Member

quote:

11/16/08
3:43 am local time
6:43 am server time

So shoot me; I stay up extremely late on Saturdays. I made a montly release. This one's primary focus is not on this thread, believe it or not, but does contain Three New Chapters of United Hope, plus four five new poems, and a special gift on a story with supposedly no scheduled update planned. It was a snap decision.

(Oops; I missed a Poem on that update. Meh, good enough. I wouldn't count half of them as 'poems', anyway.)


Right, so now time to elaborate.

First of all, Firefly, do you know what I hate most about your vampiric abilities? They have the ability to influence my mind to do whatever you hint at me to do. XP

You simply MENTIONING Hunters Slain made me think about its plot for hours. Guess what thinking about plot did? Yea, it made me write! I copied it into word and saved the doccument...finally. I did a revised Prologue (mainly typo-hunted, changed a few sentences to hopefully clarify them), and did...*drumroll* chapter one! I'm not so certail you'll like the story as much, though, considering
A: My style's different.
B: Prologues have a tendancy, in my stories, to outdo the chapters. I, personally, don't like chapter one nearly as much, especially considering it only took a few hours to write, scary fast.

But, still, you should steal some entertainment out of it. ;)



In other news, I've got new poetry for my non-existent poetry fan club. :P

Freedom has a rather funny story--I was trying to do a freeverse. Yes, I wanted to do a freeverse, something I've never done before. I couldn't help it. Now, it's turned into a highly-failed experimental poem by me. What else do you expect from me? XP

Triumph is a nice short song that I wrote. The first is the lyrics. The second is the notes, in Concert C. The third is roughly the two put together to make the song. A bit hard to communicate a song on paper; that's more of a vocal thing, if you know what I mean. Well, enjoy. ;)

Finite War is kind of the tragic scenario that often comes from a mind demented as my own--two sides are fighting, one facing extinction. Yet, if the side winning were to stop, they would die instead, even if the side going extinct chose not to fight. Simply put, peace is impossible. That doesn't stop people from both sides from feeling guilty, though. Even so, the side losing keeps on fighting.
Very sad. Poems like this are the reason I used the title 'dreaded poetry'.

Hero was an idea I had stuck in my head for quite some time. I had half a dozen songs running through my head, taking the forms of lyrics. I had to write them down. The result was SUPPOSED to be a song. You know, with Hope never dieing being the main lyrics (those lyrics have their own story which would take its own paragraph, though) and still managing to convey a good story. I've seen it done before in songs, but...umm...what I got was not what I had wanted. (I can also talk about what I edited out of the poem) So, now...call it whatever you want to; I'll just call it my longest poem so far. :P

Inspire Was inspired by the keep on writing line. From there, it evolved into the thing that eventually made me decide to start writing electronically again. So, yea, it kept me going. Now, I'm sharing my inspiration with you. Alright, some of the lyrics can't be directed at me, but others could, giving me willpower to write some more. And I will admit: there is one source above all others that inspired this, but I'm not saying what. :o



That's all, folks. Okay, not all. Disease is where the bulk of this update is focused, but that'll take a while to write and since I'm lazy, I'll do it tomorrow (well, later today)...probably. No guarantees, but it'll be a rather large change to Disease. It's where most of my attention, at least, for half a week, will be focused. (*Nudges Firefly*)

-M
Post #: 31
11/16/2008 17:38:52   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Oh, Mastin, I'm dreadfully sorry for accidentally unleashing my vampiric abilities upon you! I honestly didn't want to invoke scatter-brain syndrome, lol.

Anyhow, I better read this, right? So I did.

It was... interesting. I /loved/ the ending--the twist was both unexpected and logical. To be fairly honest, I can hardly believe the person who wrote the old Disease is the one who wrote this. It's honestly very interesting and powerful. Your descriptions of the setting were very vivid and I loved how you veiled the atmosphere with that decadent, beautiful flare... *goes off on a long ramble* It was very good, really.

I also find your vampire lore very interesting. Though, I'm slightly mad to realize how much of it is like mine, even parts that I didn't reveal in HotD yet. =P Like this:

quote:

“Funny thing about vampires—those that are born vampires choose when they stop aging. They can stop time in their bodies when they’re as young as ten and as old as a hundred. They can also start it up again, become older if they so wish. If they chose to keep on aging, they’d die of old age at roughly the physical age of a hundred and fifty. Unfortunately, those that are not pure-blooded vampires from birth are not as lucky. The moment I turned was the moment my body’s clock stopped ticking. I’m eternally fourteen.”

Ex-actly like my Galear vampire lore. <_<

Anyhow, I'm not really mad. :D It actually makes me feel a kind of... kinship. Y'know, how similar our vampires our, but mine are all high and mighty and powerful while yours end up as servants to the humans. It's like how we're all slaves of circumstance. Similar people end up in different places due how life has treated them differently. And yes, Van is right. It's not fair.

Two things to pick at. I actually don't mind them, personally, but others might according to my observations, so I thought I'd point them out.

One, you basically, er, infodumped through the dialogue. It's highly unlikely the slayer wouldn't know a lotta these things (or else he's a horrible slayer indeed). One of the things in fantasy/sci-fi that used to be alright was giving off the info by staging a conversation between two people who both know the info just to tell the audience. This is kinda a version of "author on board." You managed to justify the significance of their meeting with the thing in the end, but this kind of info-giving, while I personally find it okay since it's interesting, isn't really the best choice in today's tastes, imo. I dunno how much of the info is very needed--maybe cut it down and explain later. Or, if you wanna go the extra mile, maybe have the vamp explain to someone who doesn't know these things as opposed to a slayer who should know. The slayer can watch. In the end, the vamp tells him to come out--so the vamp knew he was there all along /and/ knows he is a slayer. Just a thought.

Two, you described setting pretty well, but I don't think you described character too much. The only character with description is Van. I've no clue what the slayer looks like (though he's the POV character so you can justify that by saying the POV character gets less description). I'd like to see more description of the vampires he sees. The young man opening the door. The vamps he observes as he considers who to kill. All times when you can add lots of description. In fact, when you described Van and said how his looks didn't seem like a vampire, I don't think you even justified that very well since /I don't know what a vampire in this story is supposed to look like./ Are they insanely beautiful? Are they pale? How much do they differ from humans? I don't know! So, yeah, describe character like heck.

Yeah, that's all I have to say. Amazing vampire lore, lovely twist, and beautiful setting. Needs more character description and less infodump. Overall, amazing.

Oh, and after all the theories you made on my stories, it's time I repay you with a theory of mine. ;)

spoiler:

The slayer's gonna get Van to work with him, helping him kill other vampires.


EDIT: Oh, btw, I noticed that you use "vampirisy" as opposed to "vampirism" (what I use). Interesting...

< Message edited by Firefly -- 11/16/2008 17:39:52 >


_____________________________

AQ  Post #: 32
11/17/2008 1:15:19   
mastin2
Member

Okay, noted. I made a few modifications and re-released chapter one. Don't worry; if you think I messed up in the newer one with your suggestions and like something better in the old, I have a copy for just that. ;)

Anyway...

1: Yea, I've come a long way, haven't I? I started out, in the Writing Academy, as just another L&L student who was having trouble graduating and earning approval. Worked on it to get approval, but stayed at a low quality. Read some stuff and got better, read your stuff and got MUCH better, read some more, worked some more, improved in leaps and bounds...and now, I'm at the point where I'm receiving compliments from you, something which I am truly honored to receive. :)

2: ...You've gotta be kidding me. I managed to rip off Galear vampire lore without even KNOWING it?!? XP

3: Tried fixing the dialog, as I mentioned. Whether I succeeded or made it worse...well, that's what I have you for. :P

4: Added a little more description, but it might've replaced the dialog as info-dumpish. Opinion? ;)

5: Heh, I can say this much: Nope. Not correct on your theory. Okay, I suppose one part is technically correct, but Rex's plans are far more sinister than that.

6: Saves a syllable. :P (The way I pronounce it, anyway) Really, though, I actually prefer vampirism to vampirisy, but it was more appropriate in this situation, mesthoughts.




Unlike most of my stories, I think Hunters Slain will deal more greatly with introduction of characters and the developement of those characters. Not much action is actually planned. It will be a good story, though. Unfortunately, I've got many of the key character introductions planned, as well as part of the ending, but most of what's in the middle is missing. :/
Post #: 33
11/17/2008 16:55:53   
Firefly
Lore-ian


1. I'm honoured you think my opinion is honouring, if that's even a word. =P

2. Yeah, you did. <_< And to think I devised it before I even joined L&L...

3&4. Will reread sometime once I have time. I doubt the description will be too infodumpish. As long as you mix in some actions, the descriptions won't be too bad.

5. Darn it! =P

6. Haha, I remembered getting mad Word didn't recognize vampirism, lol.

If I may be privleged to say this, I think you /should/ focus on character development on this story. There are four important things in writing, and most stories focus on one of the four: setting, question (AKA mystery), character, or plot. I think, for this story, with the interesting approach to vampires, character is the best choice. Plus (this is totally my opinion so feel free to disagree, don't hurt me!), I think you're better at dialogue and interaction scenes with characters as opposed to fight scenes. Or, at least /I/ enjoy your interaction more than your fights. But my fight scene standards are pretty high, so it might be just me. I'm pretty much entirely blind towards dialogue--as long as your characters don't sound like Oxford English professors, I'm cool. =P

Middle = blank? Two choices:
1. Write and just see what happens.
2. Plan. In your head is okay if you don't want to write it down. Just make sure you remember it.

Whichever you choose is up to the kind of person you are, so your call. ;)
AQ  Post #: 34
11/21/2008 22:40:17   
mastin2
Member

Heh, on an unrelated note, I just realized I left no comments for my update on United Hope.

~~Chapter Eleven~~
...Ignore the plot hole of the group being much stronger than the guards. I'll find a way to patch it up later. The chapter's primary purpose is to introduce Kinomi's powers.

~~Chapter Twelve~~

Go ahead. Butcher my Japanese. I know there's at least some things which are going to be wrong.
Pronnounciations:
Inu--Like emu, but with an n instead of an m.
baka--bah (you know, "bah! Nonsense")--kaw (bird kaw-ing...)
Hajimemashite--Hah (you know, like "Ha! You Wish")--jee(like gee, or jeep without the p)-meh (like "meh.")--mash(ma, like 'ma! I hurt myself', and the sh is obvious)--teh(like day, but with a t)
Kareruson--My best guess at Callerson. I suck at Japanese, if you couldn't tell. :/
desu--like desk, with the k dropped. The u is not pronnounced. (I'm told that if it is, it is usually implying sarcasm, and when introducing yourself...well, you get the idea)
Dozo--Doh(Like dough)--zoh(Like 'so', but with a z)
yoroshiku--Yo(like 'yo! How are you?')--rosh(like row, with the sh sound added)--ku(Like 'coo', a type of laugher.)
Hai--Hi (do I need to give an example?)
Kuwentun--Again, my best guess at Quinton.


Heh, if you didn't want to double post, Firefly, now you're free to post again. XP

-Mastin
Post #: 35
12/12/2008 23:46:05   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Comments for the short story Just Another Soldier.

I really enjoyed the power and dynamics of the story. It's beautiful. I've got a lotta themes and implications picked out from here, including:
1. He's really a hero, except he doesn't realize it.
2. Hero is just a stupid lable.
3. War is made of sacrifices that give the lucky living ones glory.
Ect. Not sure if you meant all/any of these, but that's what I got out of it.

The flaws I see are mainly in the technical writing. The tense shifting in the second scene, mainly. A few other things to watch out for:
1. Too-short sentences. While they give power and choppiness, too many makes it sound less mature.
2. Weaker verbs like "was" "had" "looked" ect.
3. A few repetitions here and there.

So yeah, work on the vocabulary and sentence structure. The story is good. You've improved so much I can hardly believe it. ;) A few comments on tense and stuff:

quote:

We barely even have a word for that burning light in the sky.

This scene was in past tense, no? Then that might need to be "had"

quote:

I rubbed my hand across my forehead and then took a braced position,

Maybe changing to a verb is stronger. "and then braced my position..."

quote:

but it certainly gives morale to those giving it.

"gave"
To avoid repetition, maybe change the second "giving" to "hollering" or something.

quote:

My spear pierces through, yet the warrior did not collapse.

"pierced"

quote:

But I am only mortal. I am only human.

"was" and "was" since it's still past tense.

quote:

Something makes him different. What makes our heroes different from me? They have the exact same thing to protect. They all know they can die. They all are only human. They all care about their comrades. They all do not wish to be fighting. Yet I could tell that he was different from me, somehow.

From this point on, it's all present tense with a few random exceptions, like that bolded sentence there. While it flows well enough, I'm not a fan of shifting tenses in the middle of a scene, for grammatical reasons. I'd keep the scene in past tense.
AQ  Post #: 36
12/25/2008 4:26:32   
mastin2
Member

Happy Frostval! I decided to celebrate our holidays by doing a special release, just for you! (Too bad. All that time wasted for something that will never be seen. :P)
I have something for just about everyone. Here it is, via categories.


Confusing (With a tad bit of tragedy!)
Descent Into Madness is one of my first short stories that I can be truly proud of. It's masterful. I've edited it, and now I'm actually kinda proud of it. For one, I suck at first person, yet managed it in this case. Two, while I feel I didn't capture the true descent into madness, I think that I did a fairly good job, the best that I was allowed in the style I chose to write it in. It's fairly good, and only needs a little polishing. ;)
Yea, technically, it was released last month, but I'm making it official, now.


Tragic (with the famous hidden tint of happiness)
I have two in this category. See if you enjoy them.
Just Another Soldier is a rather powerful short story. The technical writing isn't amazing, or anything, but I rather enjoyed writing it and it is something which I feel you'd enjoy reading. It needs some editing *points to Firefly's critique above*, but otherwise, is still darn good. ;)
(Yea, it was released a few weeks ago, but again, is only now official)
***
Spoils of War is my latest short story, and quite frankly, one that I feel puts my others to shame. It, again, isn't my best writing. But the impact, I feel, is extraordinarily powerful. At least, in my head. I knew what I wanted, but what actually came out of the keyboard isn't nearly as good, in my opinion. (For example, a lot of the wandering around the town was added, the old man was presented in an entirely different manner, the graves were supposed to be different than what they actually ended up being, and the old man's tone was supposed to be mocking, not hopeful) Still, you get the general idea, and it is something that I am labeling a must-read.


Action (With some sadness, hope, and mystery mixed in!)
Life of a Mortal is an interesting idea by me. Right now, it is labeled as a short story/Flash Fiction, but I might choose to make it a story. (Like Spoils of War, I have many details thought out, but this one is much stronger. Dozens of characters not featured would be made, for example. I've already got the world planned out, but lack the time to write more on it and am not sure whether I should, since what I have is rather fine) It's definitely not my best in technical writing, but I find that it's a rather nice story.


Poetry (Seasonal-appropriate and humorous as well!)
Just one. That's enough, though, as this rather length poem of mine is seasonal-appropriate, and is something anyone with a rather large bundle of snow should be able to appreciate. Either way, you'll get some laughs out of it, if you understand. Movie. It is inspired by my trip down to Oregon. I admit, some of the things mentioned in there are true, but 90% of them are blown so out of proportion, you wouldn't know the original incident was what inspired the corresponding poetry scene. (For example, I rather enjoyed the trip, and wasn't miserable at any point.)

When I typed it up, I added some extra. This part of the poem was not in the written version.
quote:


Oh, the wonders of vacation;
a magical time, indeed.
It’s easy to be chained by despair,
but nearly impossible to be freed.

We took the wrong exit,
and I spaced out,
so now we’re lost again,
heading in the wrong direction!

To anyone but us,
this is comedy.
But after all this fuss,
it’s definitely tragedy.

I'd appreciate comments on if you enjoyed it, and on whether those lyrics should stay or be removed.


Humorously Happy (And definitely belonging in the 'other' section!)
Darmichristmas is an odd little thing that I decided to write for the holidays. It's rather humorous, and is quite happy, in comparison to the rest of this update. It's main inspiration would probably have to be _Depression's Author's Fantasy: The Outtakes. I think you'll enjoy it, so I recommend reading it. (Obviously, quality was not my aim, here)


Other (...Minus Darmichristmas)
How To Turn a Flash Fiction into a Novel is a Guide that I am writing. This is just the outline, and is something I'd appreciate feedback on. It does contain some spoilers to Spoils of War, so only read if you don't care about spoiling it, or have already at least glimpsed at Spoils of War. Now, when I say feedback, I'd prefer it not be along the lines of "Mastin, *such and such* guide covers this in better detail." or "Mastin, this is something a writer should never do." What I need is feedback, how to make it better. For example, "*Such and such* guide does this better, because of [...]", "*Such and such* guide conflicts with this, saying [...], so you might want to [...]", you get the idea. I want things that will make the guide better, not things that will tell me to stop making the guide and just suggest making another guide better. <_<




Merry Frostval! Have some happy holidays! :)

-M
Post #: 37
1/19/2009 19:09:40   
mastin2
Member

quote:

1/19/09
3:33 pm local
6:30 pm, server time

Eternal Darkness is released!
And even better yet, my newest project. This is a thread, not a story. For it to not be in here, you know it must be big!
I also released two pieces of poetry, both based on songs. The second is mainly inspired by the tune used primarily in one or two songs which I only remember parts of, and the 'peaceful' parts are both a blend of my own work, part of one of the above songs, and to top it all off, a bit of Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Again, it's hard to express a tune in words.


Let me explain further. Eternal Darkness started out from me just wanting to describe a scene with as much detail as I could possibly muster to show of my skill. Then I decided to go for a powerful work as a spark hit me, and it was truly good. I decided that I had to leave a sense of hope in there, and leave some things open to interpretation. Put together, it's still good, but due to laziness and a couple other factors, it isn't as good as it could've been. But I would not show you if I didn't view it as a wonderful piece, worthy of reading. ;)


My Newest project...well, I give an explanation. Just click the darn link and read it. I swear, the thread is small. It'd take less than a minute to read. The story is even smaller, taking less than half a minute to read. It's a true Flash Fiction. Can't you spare two minutes of your time to read? Or are you really just that lazy/busy? You're reading this, aren't you? (Okay, probably not; I'd be surprised if I got anyone to read at all. <_<) Yea, well, in the time it takes you to read this, you could've read both the story and the thread twice.

For my poetry, I had some songs stuck in my head, and wrote lyrics for them. The first is meant to be lyrics for a Clint Eastwood western. The second is at least two or three songs rotating through my head, with my own twists. Some parts are 'peaceful'--slow, in normal voice. You know, the-parts--that-do-this or this. The 'shouting/aggressive' parts are the majority of the song. I can tell you where the divisions are. The fourth line is a transition into the aggressive part, but is not aggressive itself. Picked up pace? Oh, yea. Raised tone? Yup. Not shouting, though. ;)




I thank you, for wasting five minutes of your time to read this update. I thank you even more if you waste the time to read my update. I am eternally grateful to you if you actually COMMENT on my stuff as well!

Though this may never be read by anyone other than myself, I at least have to give it an effort, just in case I ever have someone who can live through my small rambles. Someday, I should post my large rambles, to prove why people will call me the king of the ramble. They're soooo long, one is even over a MB in size! My STORIES don't get that large! And if you've lived through one of my longer stories, let me tell you this: even the longest is only half a MB. So if you think I'm bad, then be fortunate that I'm not posting one of those. ;)

-M
Post #: 38
1/27/2009 15:57:33   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

As I hinted in the POV thread in Literary Discussion-forum some time ago, I have now read Time Light (because you told it is written in second person.)

OK, first off, the link to this story in the first post just redirected me back to this comment thread, so you might want to fix that. Luckily, (or unfortunately) I'm stubborn enough to dig the stories out from the depths of creative writing by hand, if neccessary. =P

To teh business...

I think both the story being written in the future tense and the repeating structure 'You will' made it certainly a different kind of read. Also, the protruding air of mystery hanging over the story right from the beginning even though you were still only describing ordinary events of (boring?) everyday life, made an impact.

However, the extent of the repetitive 'You will' did get a tad heavy towards the end, imho. Now, I understand that this probably was a stylistic gimmick that you consistently used to achieve the effect you wanted to. Still, I think that compromising the rigorous structure occasionally might serve you better. And if you are reluctant to rephrase some of the sentences right from the start, I'd suggest killing all other unneccessary instances of repetition and bending the grammar rules occasionally in those sentences where you have two instances of 'will' and where you can do the bending 'naturally'.

And yes, this still is only my suggestion and based only on my inexperienced opinion on writing. Anyways, just to illustrate, I'm giving a couple of suggestions.

1)
quote:

You will give nothing but silence as a response. You will not care about it. You will pause, nearly freezing time as you stare at your surroundings. As if time will have frozen, you will take note of the boring office—a few dozen work stations on the third floor of just another building. You will not care. Yet, for some reason, you will still do that every day.

Here's a paragraph where you could quite easily scramble the verbs and sentence structure a bit for variety, if you want to.
->
quote:

Your only response shall be silence. You will not care about it. You will pause, nearly freezing time as you stare at your surroundings. As if time would have frozen, you take note of the boring office -- a few dozen work stations on the third floor of just another building. You will not care. Yet, for some reason, you will still do your job every day.

In the first sentence, I'm suggesting removal of the word 'give' as it is quite bland, imo. Also, I don't see why you couldn't use 'shall' instead of 'will' at some points for variation, if you'd like to.
In the second bolded sentence, I might have bended the grammar to remove some of the 'will's as such. I think one sentence can carry through in the reader's mind in future tense without the constant remainder.
The last bolded point is a mere substitution of 'that' -> 'your job' as I think 'that' might be a bit vague. If you were referring 'you' repeating the note-taking every day, then I still think it would be better when spoonfed.

2)
quote:

Your eyes, according to those that will surround you, pierce through the souls around you. Your gaze will be rumored to pierce through the very fabric of time, judging a person for all past and future sins.

Now, if you choose to keep all the 'you will'-structures for style, I think you could consider alleviating the extra repetition coming from the occasional spots as the bolded ones here. Imho, this kind of repetition doesn't serve the styling-purpose, it just adds some redundancy. My suggestion for this:
'Your eyes, according to those that will surround you, pierce the soul. Your gaze will be rumored to drill through the very fabric of time, judging...'

Those were from the prologue; the following example is from chapter one
3)
quote:

You will take your time observing the scenery. You will feel unnerved, yet at ease at the same time. You will feel like this place will want to kill you—yet you will also feel like it is your home. You will take in the smell around you. The pine trees will tingle your nose; the freshness will revitalize you. The warm air will greet your nostrils; you will be able to smell the lushness of the forest.

Here, imo, is another point where you could cut down some repetition.
My suggestion would be to leave the first and edit those bits that come after it.
->
'Regardless of the malice that oozes from this place, you will still conceive it as your home. '
My another suggestion regards the 'take in the smell'. Imo, 'breathe' would be so more powerful word, so why not use it here?
->
'You will breathe in the smell floating around you.'


/If/ you choose to act upon these suggestions, there are some other paragraphs you can apply them to as well. However, since I do realise that I might be messing up with your style as we speak, and that you may discard these suggestions rightfully because of that, I did not point out each and every sentence that could, in my opinion, be slightly rephrased.

I'll conclude this post with a random list of typos I came across... (not exhaustive!)

4)
quote:

Pulling with little effort, you will find that the food gives little resistant;

This should be 'resistance', I believe.

5)
quote:

You will have been denied to the larger companies;

?? Is some word missing here ??

6)
quote:

Through the void, you will catch a distorted glimpse of something, but will push the though aside as nothing.

I'm afraid you lost me at this point.
'push it aside'?

From Chapter One:
7)
quote:

You will be able to see the purified heart of a dieing man

I suspect that should be written 'dying'.

I hope you will find at least one useful/helpful comment in this post! =P
DF  Post #: 39
1/30/2009 13:31:12   
mastin2
Member

Hmm...I think you clicked on the first link, which links you to the POST that Time Light is in. :/
Yea, the life is supposed to be fairly boring. And the 'you will' is a side effect of second future tense person. Like first person, which uses lots of I *verb here, present or past tense* *other actions here*. So, 'I' gets old fast. Same applies here, for the 'You will'. It's something that I'd fix if I could.

1: I really like that one better than what I have. Thanks. I knew there was another future tense word which I was forgetting about, but since, well, I forgot about it, I couldn't exactly use it, now, could I? :/ Now I can, though. ;)

2: Whoa, nice. Changed because I really like that suggestion. ;)

3: Took some of the suggestions here.

4: *MIC* typos...fixed. ;)

5: ...Err, no? I don't see what's wrong; it's just saying a simple fact: the character was rejected from a job at larger companies, never standing a chance of getting in. I don't follow you.

6: *MIC* typos. 'thought', not 'though'. Fixed.

7: Nah, 'dieing' is an accepted spelling, though 'dying' is much more common. When I see 'dying', I think of 'dyeing', which is, well, to dye something. And trust me; people would much rather be dyeing than dying. While dieing is not a common spelling, it is my thing, the spelling that I use. Not a typo. Yea, I'm weird. Would you honestly be reading Time Light if you hadn't figured that part out, already? XP

I truly appreciate the feedback. While I am keeping the forum version the same for the moment, I have updated my word document with these changes. Thank you, fabula, for the wonderful feedback. :)

-M
Post #: 40
1/31/2009 10:53:15   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Glad that you found some use for the comments!

To return to a couple of issues...
5) I didn't quite get that sentence because it sounds a bit like (to me) as if he wasn't allowed to get into some organisation physically, instead of not being hired for some job. Like marching into FBI headquarters and then the security guy says at the door that your entry has been denied. =P So, I started to wonder, if there would be some clarifying word missing. Hmm. I fear I'm still not making sense...

'Your applications for posts in larger companies will be denied.'
Maybe that would be the kind of sentence I was expecting.

7) Did I ever present any doubt of you not being weird? =P
You can't prove that I did! =P (This is not a challenge, ya know)

Interestingly, neither one of my printed dictionaries recognises 'dieing' in reference of death. All I've got is (from an old Webster Dictionary): "died, dieing: to mold, stamp, cut or shape with a die'.



I do agree that having a lot of 'you will's is the side effect of a second person future tense story, but I also think that your story leaves room for cutting it down a bit with alternating sentence structures, etc. Although, one has to be careful so that the result won't seem forced. Anyways, since the main characters life is supposed to be boring, you could keep the most of the 'you will's in the Prologue and then add most of the variation from chapter 1 onwards as the life will start to get more interesting. /If/ you want to go for that kind of effect. I'm just irresponsibly playing with some ideas and suggestions here. =P
DF  Post #: 41
2/1/2009 5:23:11   
mastin2
Member

5: Ha, ha; I should be ashamed of myself. It took me five minutes to figure out you weren't referring to me in the future, but rather, the character. I like the sound of it; I'll compare the two a few times and make a decision on that. ;)

7: Like I said, my own little spelling. Screw extra-good descriptions, experiments such as Time Light, and Impact! The thing I, personally, am going to be remembered for in my writing is the use of 'dieing' instead of 'dying'. XP

And that last one...wow. I hadn't even considered it, and I love the idea. As time goes through, I might bend the rules of future tense some more as well--in Chapter One, there were some clear present-tense areas where I got lazy, which you can find, if you look hard enough.

Thanks again, Fabula. You really are constructively helpful. :)

-M
Post #: 42
6/28/2010 6:30:19   
mastin2
Member

I suppose it's a very minor point, but I have a lot more poetry which never made it into my thread. A good portion of it, I'd rather forget about, but there is a point where things reverse and I can actually like them.

...However, as it turns out, I've only got one of them with me. The rest are all back home on my other flashdrive. Too bad, as many of them are rather nice, but, eh, I'll post the one I have. (Tomorrow, anyway. It's rather late, right now, for me.)

-M.
Post #: 43
6/29/2010 7:14:00   
mastin2
Member

As promised, I have a new poem. Let it Be. (Well, actually, it's rather the old Poem, but it's new to you! :P)
Post #: 44
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