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The Cries of the Wind ~Comments~ Chapter 6: Blurred Reality

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7/29/2008 18:19:25   
Recar Dragonlance
Member



~In every wail the wind makes, there is a story behind it. The world breathes, the world hears, the world sees. It knows every story that occurs on its surface, and even the most insignificant events it can recall with ease. This Cry of the Wind, this story, takes place on the world Yayole. Powerful people conjour great Beasts to wage war against each other, bringing in all the innocents in their crossfire. However, there are Beasts of such power that if the Caller strong enough to summon it were to do so, they would have the world at their knees~

Genre: Contemporary Fantasy, Action



Have fun!



< Message edited by Recar Dragonlance -- 11/6/2008 9:31:19 >
DF  Post #: 1
7/31/2008 16:15:09   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

I changed the original story and made it uber. And better. The Prologue has replaced the former "introduction". So...read away!
DF  Post #: 2
7/31/2008 20:51:21   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 ~This critique is based solely on the experience, thoughts and obsevations of the critiquer. The corrections contained within are suggestions only. Take what you wish, ignore the rest.~

(Prologue)
quote:

“You are a pathetic excuse for a Caller.” The darkness drove further into my shoulders, cutting through all flesh that got in its way.

^ Because the next sentence doesn't say how the voice said it, they become separate sentences.
quote:

“Now tell me, Jason- where is the Pyramid?”

quote:

My desperate emerald eyes shot up to the pale yet muscled figure that stood tall next to my body, which slumped on the ground.

^ "which lay slumped"?
quote:

Gripped in his hands were two rods of darkness, materialised into a weapon and driven into my flesh.

^ Ouchie.
quote:

His completely black eyes seemed to attack my own, driving into them so that it could ambush the soul that lay hidden in them.

^ Keeping the tense. Also, underlined part... "driving into them as if they could ambush"? Well, anyway, there's two eyes that you're talking about, so 'they' rather than 'it'.
quote:

However, I merely shook my head, unable to speak a word.

^ This might help the flow.
quote:

Letting go of the two rods of darkness, he started walking backwards, leaving them sticking out of my flesh.

^ Suggestion above. You've already used 'driven', so it's a good idea to vary the description.
quote:

Around him, dark lightning flickered from one spot of his body to another.

^ Could say "Dark lightning played around his body." ?
quote:

The electricity began to spark from all the things in the grand hall we were in: from the gallant suits of armour that stood guard against the walls, to the priceless paintings of mystical locations, to the destroyed, grand dinner table that reached from one side of the gigantic room to the other.

^ Suggestions above. You've described things more than places... and nicely described them.
quote:

Raising his hand, all the power gathered to the pale slender fingers.

^ *excited*
quote:

The world around me was already becoming a blurred mess, so the thought of removing the objects that drove so far into my flesh that they were about to come from the opposite end.

^ Unfinished sentence. If we take out the added description in the middle, "so the thought of removing the objects..." was what?
quote:

A horrific, dark god.

^ No capital.
quote:

With all the might I could conjure up, I tugged on the huge rods of darkness.

^ Woah- bad idea. Medics will tell you that if you have something sticking into you like that, you don't pull them out. I don't remember why, but I do remember that much. Of course, it's your story, so you can bend the rules if you want. ;]
quote:

The man laughed, though the sound of the lightning ringing through the air drowned out his attempts at mockery.

quote:

Friends and foes had fought against this man – I could not let them die in vain.

^ Assuming they're already dead.
quote:

Slowly, I felt the poles of darkness slide out.

quote:

My teeth automatically crunched together, hard.

quote:

You should have stayed at home instead of leading me to the Pyramid,”

^ Full stop or exclamation mark at the end of this one. OR: "...to the Pyramid," he shouted, shaking his head.
quote:

When light returned to the room, a rod of darkness the size of a pine tree lay embedded in my chest.

^ No need for those commas.
quote:

My eyes remained glued to the man, who had erupted into fits of laughter.

^ Suggestion above.
quote:

The man’s name boiled up all the anger in my heart, pumping it through my veins with even the faintest heartbeat.

^ No need for last section. We are aware of his little... condition. ;]
quote:

I stayed on my feet.

^ He seriously would have been on the ground by now. If not by the first part of the story, the pine-sized rod would have knocked him over. Also makes him seem more helpless.
quote:

The amulet wrapped around my neck began to glow.

^ Wrapped around or hanging around?
quote:

It bore the claw of an eagle gripped onto a strange orb that changed colour in different lights.

quote:

I stayed on my feet because of the amulet.

^ Ah. That's why. "It was because of the amulet that I remained standing." ?
quote:

All the colours in the rainbow shone from the orb, bringing all my sensations rushing back to my body.

^ Sweet. I want one of those...
quote:

As soon as this happened, my hand was entangled in this light, twirling around it in a strange dance.

^ This sentence is unclear. I suggest you think of another way to say it.
quote:

Still controlled by instinct, causing my hand to fire (what) into the air.

^ It sounds like his hand flies off... ouchie.
quote:

From its position, the light shot from its cannon, flying towards the man.

^ Again, the first two parts of this sentence are unclear.
quote:

The light exploded where the man had been, but he had jumped all the way to the back of the room.

quote:

The glowing energy formed expanded, moulding itself into some strange figure.

quote:

Two claws shaped – the claws of an eagle.

^ Technically speaking, eagles claws = talons.
Sweet description of summoning the Gryphon, btw. Rawr!
quote:

Majestic and fearsome, the mighty feathers made it seem elegant, whereas the coarse fur of the lion half exemplified its destructive nature.

^ Coarse fur, perhaps? It contrasts with soft feathers.
quote:

I staggered a few steps forward, this time a smile formed on my face.

^ Because he hadn't tried to stagger forwards before.
quote:

“Cohah… This…this is a Gryphon- my Guardian beast.”

^ Nice.
quote:

I felt laughter bubble up in my stomach, yet I lacked the energy to realise it.

quote:

Next time, Jason, your life is mine.

quote:

He took a few steps backwards, raising his hands as if surrendering.

^ Keeping with the tense.
quote:

With a wink, a bolt of lightning absorbed his entire body.

^ O.O ...Sweet...
quote:

Once the darkness left, nothing remained. The smile stayed stretched on my face.

^ "Once the darkness left, only my smile remained." ? What happened to the gryphon? The poles of darkness? The room?
quote:

Even though I had just let him go, even though I was falling to the floor, the smile was still on my face.

^ Hm... Questionable, but the sentence is good.
quote:

I didn’t die.

^ Two suggestions: either "I hadn't died." OR a new paragraph.

As always, Recar is flashy. ^_^ Pretty lights...

< Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 7/31/2008 20:53:01 >
Post #: 3
8/1/2008 0:12:00   
r0de0b0y
Member

I will read tomorrow! Maybe! Well, you've intrigued me with the intro. Just one thing first. I'm not familiar with the word 'wale'. Is it the same as 'wail'? I'm no good with grammar...
AQ DF  Post #: 4
8/1/2008 15:23:54   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Erm...same with Symphony of the Night, been meaning to read that for awhile. And I mispelt wail I'm no good with spelling...

DD! Thank you! Correction time!

1. Fixed.
2. I used a colon instead :>
3. Fixed.
4. fixed.
5. Fixed.
6. Changed to Dance.
7. Fixed except for the "of" the walls because I was using a metaphor there...
8. Fixed.
9. Fixed.
10. Hehe, well he can't just leave them in. Anyway, once he removes them, he basically dies anyway. And the power of the Gryphon stops the bleeding temporarily...
11. Fixed.
12. Fixed.
13. Fixed.
14. Fixed.
15. Fixed.
16. Fixed.
17. He was already on the floor and stood up after he removed the two dark rods...And the power of the Gryphon kept him up...I'll tell you why later...
18. Hanging :> Fixed.
19.Hehe, yay! Fixed.
20. Hehe, rewrote the sentence completely.
21. Changed.
22. Fixed.
23. Fixed.
24. I changed the second claws to talons.
25. Changed. What does coarse mean?
26. Fixed.
27. Changed. Also Beast needed a capital so I changed that...
28. Fixed.
29. Fixed.
30. Hehe, I like that as well.
31. I meant once the dark lightning disapeared...I changed the sentence so that I actually say that...
32. I changed it to "even though I let him escape."
33. That was the reason why he was happy.

THANK YOU! So much...I really appreciate that! Now it's not in such a chewed up state...well I'm off to write Chapter 1...then I shall attack Phoniexblade again...
DF  Post #: 5
8/2/2008 12:10:33   
r0de0b0y
Member

DD is...good. I've noticed noting wrong with your story, but one thing bugs me. Is the glowy amulet some plot device of doom, or do all Callers have one?
AQ DF  Post #: 6
8/2/2008 13:16:02   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

The amulet was his father's...It's not some plot device of doom, but it is just a random fact about the Callers that will come into it soon.

To do list
Finish Chapter 1
Finish Chapter 3 of DD's Phoenixblade
Start Prologue of Sympony of the Night.
Write Chapter 2
Start Chapter 1 of FF's GoT
Start Chapter 1 of Crimzon's Visions

< Message edited by Recar Dragonlance -- 8/5/2008 8:59:40 >
DF  Post #: 7
8/4/2008 4:00:08   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 *snaps fingers* I remember now! You don't take it out because:
1) The body goes into shock.
2) May cause further internal damage.
3) Bleeding starts. Bad bleeding.
But you can snap it off close to your body.

@ r0de0b0y: Recar is good. It's his writings. His imagination. His visual description. I'm just an advanced spellcheck. ;]

quote:

25. Changed. What does coarse mean?

Rough-ish. Uhm... like... long armpit hair? XD Sorry, that's the best I could come up with. Basically, it's not soft fluffy hair.

< Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 8/4/2008 7:12:45 >
Post #: 8
8/5/2008 9:03:53   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Thanks DD, but I think he meant you were good because you killed all the typos and caught most of the bad stuff I left in.

Erm...he was protected by the Guardian Beast...

spoiler:

When someone Calls their Guadian Beast for the first time, their body is effected by a lot of changes. As well as being able to Call more powerful Beasts then they could, that first time prepares the Caller's body for it. So...he couldn't have died from bleeding to death, because the Gryphon stops it that one time, but don't tell anyone that.


I did Chapter 2! Yayism! I actually finished yesterday, but I couldn't get a name for something...
DF  Post #: 9
8/6/2008 8:19:49   
Crimzon5
Member

Oo... I like the Genre. Reminds me of Visions

I don't know why... but I have a habit of reading the prologue last... guess I'll skip it...

quote:

Don’t cry, Jason…everything will sort itself out. Just wait, things have a way of fixing themselves.


quote:

“Didn’t I tell you that?”
Darn, I didn’t think you’d notice. Well, you know, it’s still good advice, even if you did give it.

Lol

quote:

“Sophia…Sophia, I’m…I’m…”
Wake up!

Oh, not that name... it reminds me of my 2-year-old sister who steps on me. She just barges in my room accompained by her nanny and steps on me while I sleep. It's either I wake up or they tell me about it.

quote:

“I…I actually Called my Guardian Beast,” I said, causing her to spin around. A grin grew on her face. “The Gryphon…like Crimson said…it was the Gryphon.”


Change s to z Hmm... the gryphon made me peek at the prologue to learn about the guardians

Finished Chapter 1. If he's in a mansion, won't his enemies find him easier (unless he killed them all already)?

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 10
8/6/2008 9:05:02   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Hey! I'll fix that, thanks. Hehe, Sophia's her name and that's final. So shhh.

The woman, Scarlet, can only be described as "uber". If the enemies came near her, they would most probably die. Only a few could actually fight her. Also, it's an "Earthican" town, so the ones without a death wish normally stay away. Most Earthican towns have a lot of soldiers, but since tha's a village, and Scarlet's there, only she's there to protect it.
DF  Post #: 11
8/7/2008 8:24:23   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 "Why... of course I'm doing my homework! Cries of the Wind? It's... uh... English?"
Lame jokes aside... =P
Decided to make it easier for you to respond to sections of the critique. I know I lose count.
_____________________________
Chapter 1
1)
quote:

Don’t cry, Jason…everything will sort itself out.

2)
quote:

Just wait. Things have a way of fixing themselves.

3)
quote:

Darn, I didn’t think you’d notice.

^ lol.
4)
quote:

“Sophia… Sophia...! I’m… I’m…”

^ Suggestion above.

Good intro. ;]

5)
quote:

I shot up from underneath the cloth that rested upon my body, immediately feeling the consequences of such an action.

^ "draped over" perhaps? What you have is fine, though.
6)
quote:

Three places in my body echoed with a blistering pain that caused me to lay back down on the bed, cuddling them in my arms.

^ A little awkward, imo. In regards to the first part... weren't all his injuries in his chest? If so, 'chest' could be better than 'body'. Also, 'cuddling' doesn't seem quite right... 'cradling'?
7)
quote:

A soft giggle swiftly turned into a heavy laugh as the woman next to me approached.

^ 'hearty' perhaps? And it's one woman, isn't it?
8)
quote:

“Sophia… We all wanna know where she is, kid,” she said, stepping on the bed so her heels dug into the mattress and ripping the blanket from underneath me, “But what I want to know is, what happened to Cohah?”

^ The underlined bit needs a new sentence. It also sounds as if by standing on the bed the blanket is ripped out... which doesn't make sense. Putting the 'I' in italics emphasises that it is a question she is thinking of when no-one else is.
9)
quote:

I grabbed the scarlet bed frame and pulled myself up.

^ I suggest you just say 'red', because you use 'scarlet' in the next sentence.
10)
quote:

The woman standing on my bed was called Scarlet.

^ 1 = woman. 2+ = women.
11)
quote:

The decorations and the colours of them all seemed to indicate that this was her house.

^ Perhaps a bit more elaboration would be nice... describe some of them... mention that they're all red?
12)
quote:

I looked around the room, eyeing what must have been a spare room in the mansion she lived in since this was the least decorated.

^ See? This could be tied in if you choose to describe the room more. The character could notice that because of the few decorations it must be a spare room. Also, before, you called the place a house. If it is a mansion, I suggest you call it that, or a 'dwelling'.
13)
quote:

Scarlet curtains, scarlet walls and even she wore a scarlet dress.

^ Needs to be included earlier in the description, really.
14)
quote:

I was unconscious in Cohah’s right-hand-man’s dining hall…

^ A 'dinning' hall would be very noisy. ;P
15)
quote:

My hand shot straight to the amulet. I sighed with relief once I felt the bumpy texture of the Gryphon’s talon under my fingers.

^ I suggest breaking that sentence. Suggestion above.
16)
quote:

“We found you… The scouting party had caught his power and went after you.

^ I tell you what Firefly told me: when using ...s, take the ...s out and read the sentence. If it works, then fine, leave the first letter small. If it would be two sentences, you need a capital letter.
Also, perhaps 'detected' or 'sensed' instead of caught? Caught means captured, as in, they've got his power now.
17)
quote:

She jumped off the bed and started walking towards the tall windows that looked out to a great field.

^ Something that needs to be included in the initial description.
18)
quote:

“I… I actually Called my Guardian Beast,” I said, causing her to spin around.

^ Another word would be better. 'stammered'?
19)
quote:

“The Gryphon… Like Crimson said… It was the Gryphon.”

^ Oops. Forgot to tell you that there should also be a space between the ...s and the next letter.
20)
quote:

She giggled- a light, almost girly laugh.

^ 'Cos first, you're saying what she did, then you go on to describe how. Good idea to separate the two.
21)
quote:

If you can give me any information, he might not die on his way to him.

22)
quote:

I looked past her, looking out to the field like she was.

^ passed = go by, past = beyond (in this case)
23)
quote:

In the reflection, I could see myself, so that I merely nodded.

^ How about: "I could see myself reflected in the glass, so I nodded, knowing she could see me, too." ?
24)
quote:

Go into the village below, some Yayolite nut jobs are causing trouble…”

^ That location needs to be clearer... if it can be seen from the window, I suggest you include that in the intial description. If not... well... I dunno? (Not very helpful, am I? =P)
25)
quote:

I started to laugh, but a pulsing pain told me to stop.

^ ?
26)
quote:

Pointing to my scars, I shook my head.

^ They're still wounds, aren't they? How did they heal so quickly? Need to specify these when he first wakes up.
27)
quote:

You’re a fully fledged Caller now, so go do battle like you were made to do.”

^ But, seeing it's dialogue, that may be how she speaks... so...
28)
quote:

Her hand pointed to the door.

29)
quote:

Have fun, kid.”


*stops at stars*
Sorry if I got a bit snappy about halfway through... Someone upset me while I was doing it...
Going well!
Post #: 12
8/7/2008 10:19:28   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

XD Don't worry, I make so many stupid mistakes that it probably made it worse : )

Anyway, onto this:

1. Fixed.
2. Fixed.
3. XD
4. Fixed.
5. I'll change it. Fixed.
6. Fixed and Fixed. Cradling does sound better.
7. Fixed.
8. Fixed.
9. Fixed.
10. XD Fixed. Oopsy.
11. + 12. +13. I made that paragraph twice the size.
14. It must've been a noisy battle then XD Fixed.
15. I didn't break it into one sentence, since I like it that way (if anyone else says differently, I'll change it) but I added the extra on the end.
16. Fixed and Fixed. How does she know all this stuff :S
17. I took that bit out entirely since I described it earlier.
18. Fixed.
19. Fixed, fixed, fixed, and thank you XD.
20. Fixed.
21. Fixed.
22. Fixed.
23. I had trouble with that sentence, thank you. Changed.
24. I included it into the description beforehand : ) Now it makes more sense XD
25. By a pulse of pain, I meant that like a heartbeat of pain. It was just one wave of pain that told him to stop. If that wasn't clear, I'll change it XD
26. Fixed.
27. Fixed. That was my bad, she wouldn't speak unproperly XD
28. Fixed. Less is more! XD
29. Fixed.

I just realised that was the first scene...oh dear. Well, at least if you catch them, it will be better for everyone else XD Just means you can't enjoy it as much. Thank you sooooo much for doing all that. I can't believe how many mistakes I make XD...I need to get rid of a lot more before I ask FF to have a go, you know what she's like, she attacks every sentence. XD Well, thank you again!
DF  Post #: 13
8/7/2008 21:07:24   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 *reads corrections*
1)
quote:

“Sophia… We all wanna know where she is, kid,” she said, stepping on the bed so her heels dug into the mattress. She ripped the blanket from underneath me and gave me an almost pleasant smile. Almost. “But what I want to know is, what happened to Cohah?”

^ Remember the way of the ...s

2)
quote:

I grabbed the light red bed frame and pulled myself up. The woman standing on my bed was called Scarlet. The decorations and the colours of them all seemed to indicate that this was her dwelling. I looked around the room, eyeing what must have been a spare room in the mansion she lived in since this was the least decorated. Scarlet curtains, scarlet walls and even she wore a scarlet dress. There were one or two paintings, yet the main tones in these were, of course, light red. The carpet along the floor trailed up to a painted statue of a bird, the same shade as everything else in the room. I remember her calling that bird the Scarlet Ibis, though I never questioned her on why it was there. On the far right of the room, long windows showed the dark village.

^ May I?
"I grabbed the faded red bed frame and pulled myself up, taking in my surroundings. The room was saturated with red. Red carpet, red walls... even the woman's dress was red. A few paintings hung on the walls, but even these were painted in red tones. A painted statue of a bird caught my eye. I vaguely remembered hearing the woman call it the Scarlet Ibis, but I had never asked why. My eyes roved across the room to the tall windows. I could see a dark little village through the glass."
?

< Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 8/7/2008 23:29:31 >
Post #: 14
8/9/2008 14:23:25   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

XD I'll correct my corrections. Thank you DD for being commited. Once I attack FF's story, I shall attack the next Phoenixblade paragraph... I'm not neglecting you XD

Chapter 3 is released... Managed to peel myself off Soul Caliber 4 long enough to finish it. Have fun!
DF  Post #: 15
8/10/2008 19:39:58   
Sentharn
Member

I read the prologue! I'm intrigued by the story line, and I liked the general feel of your descriptions.

There were a few small bugs in your writing that I noticed, for example:

quote:

“You are a pathetic excuse for a Caller.” The darkness drove further into my shoulders, cutting through all flesh that got in its way. “Now tell me, Jason: where is the Pyramid?”

I'm not sure but I think those should be on separate lines.

Also:
quote:

Gripped in his hands were two rods of darkness, materialised into a weapon, and driven into my flesh.


The, "And driven into my flesh," part is kind of weird. You might, for example say, "which he drove into my flesh."

quote:

Around him, dark lightning danced around his body.


The first Around Him doesn't appear necessary...

quote:

The world around me was already becoming a blurred mess, so the thought of removing the objects that drove so far into my flesh that they were about to come from the opposite end had become unimaginable.


Was already becoming? Versy would kill you for using 'was'. "was" is a form of To Be, and that's the weakest verb in the English language! Try 'was turning into' perhaps, the 'already' seems misplaced. Also, the 'so' makes the line feel like you're having to explain to the audience instead of telling them what's happening; perhaps replace it with, "and?"

quote:


When light returned to the room a rod of darkness, the size of a pine tree lay embedded in my chest.

Don't need the comma.

I'm too lazy to go through the entire thing, but these are just some suggestions. Keep writing and practicing! I'll read more soon!


Post #: 16
8/10/2008 19:49:41   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Hey!

1. Nope, they stay on the same line since Cohah's just restarting his speech.
2. Ah, yes, changed.
3. Changed to "all over"
4. Ah yes, don't tell Versy XD Changed it to "already started to become a blurred mess" to avoid the was.
5. Fixed.

Thank you soooooooo much! I need to attack my writing a bit more... those cinks are really annoying... Thank you!
DF  Post #: 17
8/11/2008 12:18:14   
r0de0b0y
Member

I've been reading the next one, which is odd because I've been playing FFX, and I see some similarities; like how one summon is wrapped in chains and iron, and how there's a group of people identified by their swirly eyes. Fun.

Anyway, I'll read 2&3 as soon as I get to my computer
AQ DF  Post #: 18
8/11/2008 14:03:26   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

XD Inspired by FFX and Chaos Legion, except the eye thing wasn't... The Callers were. Play Chaos Legion, it's a brilliant game.

... OH Anima! That was unintentional as well XD The only thing is the Beasts, but there are different rules between the two. Except Anima is an unbeliveably powerful Beast that is giant and destroys things whereas Erikna is merely a swordsman. XD Wait until you see Cohah Call, then you'll see the difference...
DF  Post #: 19
8/12/2008 11:38:18   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Guess who's back? In the new updidly ate you can find out. Now read, I command you.
DF  Post #: 20
8/15/2008 17:33:15   
mastin2
Member

Ha, I've always wanted an excuse to read your work--your request for a critique gives me that! :)

[Indent][/Indent]Well, like I said, I am here! Hello! This is Mastin, reporting in for a critique requested in "Need a Hand? I've got a Few." Based on past experience, it is a bad idea to focus on just this critique and put it all in one, giant post at the same time. The result was me losing everything and starting over again. Similarly, I shall edit things in as I see them. This may take a while and I may get interrupted. When I post SAYING I am done, only then am I actually done! :)

For the moment, I will only be critiquing the prologue, since that is what you requested. I am unsure if I will find anything major, as you are quite the experienced writer *points to writer of the month title*, but the very least I can do is leave a comment...



quote:

When light returned to the room a rod of darkness the size of a pine
It may just be where I am from and the fact that I am used to a slower flow--but I'd put a comma after 'room'.



That is all I could find. Anything else would just be my opinion. The description, the setting...everything. It. Was. Perfect. If I scrutinized through it a dozen times, I doubt I could find anything that could use correcting. It was amazing. I was immediately drawn into the story; you would have trouble releasing my attention to here! :)


Well, since I found so little...on to Chapter One. I'm not going to call this finished until I am satisfied that I've helped you. :)

quote:

Don’t cry, Jason…everything will sort itself out. Just wait. Things have a way of fixing themselves.
“Didn’t I tell you that?”
Darn, I didn’t think you’d notice. Well, you know, it’s still good advice, even if you did give it.
“What do you mean by that? Anyway, I’m not crying!”
You ask too many questions. I’m leaving now. Promise me you’ll wake up.
“Sophia… Sophia...! I’m… I’m…”
Wake up!



Bit confusing here, but I am...fairly sure it is two people. Shouldn't there be an extra break between them?

You know, pressing enter/return twice, not once?


Or is it just your style?

quote:

almost pleasant smile. Almost, “But
The speech and the 'Almost' seem unrelated. I don't see how they could be related, so the comma should be a period.

quote:

Go into the village below, some Yayolite nut jobs
I'd make the comma a semicolon. It seems to fit better in this case, but it could just as easily be kept the same.

quote:

Both of them turned in unison to see the mysterious attacks, their blades pointed
There was only one bullet, right? Well, that means only one 'attack', not 'attacks'.

quote:

I took a moment to gaze into his eyes; to see the overconfidence glow in the blue irises.
the semicolon seems unnecessary; it seems like it SHOULD be a comma.

quote:

Don’t ask questions, just do it.
This one, I am not so sure on and could very easily just be style...but...I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

my body.
Get up Jason!

By any chance, would only one enter/return be style here? 'Cause I think there's supposed to be two, there...

quote:

From the mask, strange mauve hair that seemed to be stained in blood due to the cloudy sky, though this wouldn’t be that strange considering they appeared to be like long blades.
drop the 'that'. It doesn't make sense to have it right there.

quote:

thing about this Beast was that in place for arms and legs, there were blades.
you need to put a comma before 'that'. Either that, or (since you have a more rapid flow, apparently) drop the comma after 'legs'. I believe the former (at least, where I am) is more technically correct, though.
Also, 'for' makes no sense right there. To make sense, you'd need to drop the 'in place'. But that seems like it should stay; the simple fix that I recommend would be changing 'for' to 'of'.

quote:

revealing her long quite muscular legs. On her top half was a chequered shirt of red and white, with the buttons done up and the sleeves rolled up. She wore leather boots. Also, long brown hair flowed from underneath the hat.

Mesthinks this is a bit of an info dump...

Well, anyway, I recommend a comma after 'long'.
...And you are just telling us right now. You could do a little more than that, you know.

quote:

since I was six foot tall, most people looked up to me
To be quite technical, a good majority of males who are fully grown are above six feet tall. And this seems a little info-dumpish to me. I'd remove it, as it really isn't that important...


~~Chapter One Completed.

That's better. :P

Well, I'll continue reading and critiquing, but I really don't know how much I'll find. While I am quite good at some of the more technical things, I am not that good at pointing out...more specific things. Replacing certain words with better ones, adding description, etc. In a story already this good (and getting better as the number of Chapters Increases), I'll be finding less and less...

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 8/15/2008 18:21:55 >
Post #: 21
8/15/2008 17:41:26   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Why hello mastin XD Thank you for taking it for me, I just wanted another view point on it.

1. Hehe, I originally put a comma there, but DD told me to take it out. I did like that comma, but since it's supposed to be fast-paced, I will keep it in. I may wait for another suggestion however.

*Blushes* Yayism for compliments... Thank you very much. DD killed most of the typos, but it's nice to get someone elses opinion. Chapter 1 you will find a lot more then... but the style I use gets better in my opinion as it gets further.

XD You help Firefly a lot, so I'm glad you are the one to help. Hehe, I want one of your crazy theroies. Thanks again.

Chapter One

Hehe, I shall edit in the corrections when you find them...

1. That is supposed to be like that. You'll see it a lot throughout the story... Just a style thing about how I wanted to potray them talking.
2. Changed.
3. Changed.
4. Changed to "attacker" since that needs to be there XD Thanks for pointing it out.
5. Changed.
6. I prefer the comma... It flows better with the comma.
7. It is indeed the way I potray the two talking.
8. I'm assuming it was the first "that" so I eliminated that.
9. Changed to "of" and removed the comma.
10. Ah, I shall rework the description. Erm... Long shall have it's comma.
11. *Wonders why I had that in there in the first place* Thank you. I killed it. XD I'm over 6 foot and I'm 14 :S

XD I'm more trouble than you thought. Hehe, thank you very much for pointing that stuff out, I can sleep better knowing they are dead. XD You will find out that I might be lying saying they get better, it's just I'm more happier with the latter chapters. Thank you again for helping me.

< Message edited by Recar Dragonlance -- 8/15/2008 18:25:45 >
DF  Post #: 22
8/15/2008 19:41:00   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 You want a third opinion on the comma? Well, you're getting one, whether you want it or not. =P

I think you misread DD's comment. She apparently told you to take out the comma after "darkness" and the comma after "tree." (You originally had commas there, didn't you?). She didn't tell you to take out the first comma, according to what I read and what I know of her editing style.

Mastin's right, anyhow. You need a comma after "room" because it's separating a dependent clause from an independent clause. ("When light returned to the room" is dependent while "a rod of darkness the size of a pine tree lay embedded in my chest." is independent.)

Just doing my job as the resident grammar-Nazi...
AQ  Post #: 23
8/15/2008 23:06:32   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 Clarifies: First comma to stay. Other two go bye-byes. In future, I'll just highlight the puctuation I'm referring to.
Post #: 24
8/16/2008 9:43:55   
Crimzon5
Member

quote:

“Shh. Shouldn’t I be waking up now. You’re not very good with this waking up job.”
I don’t even know why I’m doing it; I’m not your mother…
“Because you love me… I’m sorry, that… slipped out.”

1) I suggest adding the word even between I'm and not
2) Lol to the 3rd line. Is it true *Scandalous smile*?

quote:

“I don’t even get a hello… You’re jacket’s by the bed,”

'You're' means you are. I think you mean 'your'

quote:

She pointed to the leather jacket folded neatly on a metal stand. “You were out for the night. We’re currently on a train going towards Heya. There, we get a plain to Heartland.”

plane is a vehicle; plain is a piece of land/ an adjective that means simple

quote:

I frowned, reaching into my collar and pulling out the Gryphon’s claw, twirling it through my fingers. “Why are we going to Heartland?”
Hehehe, makes me so wanna laugh :D

quote:

“Because Calling takes spiritual energy. Use too much, and your soul looses all of its protection… Leaving you vulnerable to a whole load of crazy-” The rumbling of the cars started again yet this time, no electricity flowed by the window.

Loses is a verb... looses... hmm... ins't a word

Heh, guess we're even for correcting each other. I really appreciated your help.
AQ DF  Post #: 25
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