demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!
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Don't forget, these are all just suggestions. The numbers are just for reference purposes, not for score, k?
Ch1, after the stars
1.quote:
A boy, about the age of ten, scrambled across the floor, his eyes wide and his breathing faster than a marathon runner’s at the end of a race.
How about, "A boy of about ten scrambled..." ?
2.quote:
Nobody was in the street, so no one was there to witness what was going on – of course, if anyone had seen it, then no one would do a thing.
Keeping tense consistant. You're using past tense, so the underlined bit needs rephrasing. "if anyone had seen it, no one would have done a thing, anyway." ?
3.quote:
Blue eyed and blonde-haired, he was a perfect Yayolite.
Apparently, blonde = girls, blond = boys. Learned that from Crimzon5.
4.quote:
Except a loaf of bread laid beside him, which the pair of Yayolites seemed pretty annoyed at.
This doesn't really make sense. He was a perfect Yayolite, except for the bread? And what pair of Yayolites?
5.quote:
The two Yayolites wore long, azure coats that trailed down their bodies and stopped at their ankles.
Nice description.
6.quote:
A blade was gripped in one of their hands: a long sword, with the words ‘The Heaven’s Will is in this Blade’.
This sounds like you mean only one of them is holding a sword. "Each gripped a blade in one hand: a long sword, with the words 'The Heaven's Will is in this Blade' etched into the metal." ?
7.quote:
At the bottom of the hilt, a cerulean gem was embedded into them.
How about, "A cerulean gem was embedded into the bottom of their hilts." ?
8.quote:
Only one of the Yayolites pointed their blades at the young boy, though both of them frowned with condemning, judgemental eyes.
Nice...
9.quote:
“I said, Boy,” the man holding the blade, with bleached blonde hair that waved in the bitter autumn wind, said in a stern, harsh voice, “stand up. You are coming with us.”
The underlined part seems cluttered. Would "the man repeated in a stern, harsh voice, " and then "His bleached blonde hair waved in the bitter autumn wind." after what he had to say, be better?
10.quote:
Tears dripped down the boy’s young face, his body shaking all at once.
You could say "his whole body shaking" or "entire", if you want to emphasize that.
11.quote:
His eyes shot from one Yayolite to the other, his heartbeat growing stronger with each glance.
I'm not sure that's the best word... "faster", "beating harder" perhaps? Anyway, that paragraph really captured.
12.quote:
“He said, stand up!” The woman standing next to him bent down and reached for the boy in a rapid movement.
The exclamation mark gives it more force than a full-stop, which is what that comma should be if you decide not to use the !
13.quote:
However, before the hand reached the trembling young boy, a bullet tore through the air, slamming into the gauntlet of the woman.
Did it go through? If so, "piercing" might fit better. "Slamming" makes me think of other weapons, but not a bullet. You could also say "of the woman's gauntlet." to be less wordy, but what you have is fine, too.
14.quote:
Both of them turned in unison to see the mysterious attacker, their blades pointed in my direction.
Wouldn't that be "All three" or "Both Yayolites"? It sounds like you're talking about the woman and the boy, until you mention the swords... somewhat confusing.
15.quote:
“You are under arrest by the Order of Yayole. Place the gun down, Heathen!”
Nice.
16.quote:
I took a moment to gaze into his eyes, to see the overconfidence glowing in the blue irises.
Keep the tense. The tension's good, too, btw. (Sorry for the pun! =] ) You might also want to substitute "the blue irises" for "those blue irises", but it's up to you.
17.quote:
My left foot slammed behind me and I raised my hands that were shaped as if I was holding a sphere.
Slammed onto/against what? And the hand shape can be described as "cupped hands" if you'd prefer that.
18.quote:
But soon he realised what exactly was going on and started to panic.
Could switch those two words, or take out the "exactly".
19.quote:
His grip on the blade grew tighter, causing a strange aurora to flow from his hands and up the length of the blade.
Need a comma there, and there's a suggested inclusion.
20.quote:
The words engraved onto the sword started to light up in the azure glow, before the entire blade became this light.
When you have "light" there, it sounds as if it's referring to weight. You could say something along the lines of, "became swamped in this light." or something to make it clearer.
21.quote:
He pulled the blade back and swung the blade.
Please change the second blade to "it" to avoid repeating the word. You might also want to say how he swung it, too.
22.quote:
An azure shockwave the size of a house grinded through the ground, tearing it apart on its pathway towards myself.
"Grinded" should be "ground". May I suggest changing the second "ground" to "earth", or "road", or whatever it's cutting through? And a plain old "me" would probably be a better choice than "myself", imo.
23.quote:
I took a few deep breathes, blocking out the world around me for just a few seconds.
Breathes = He still breathes. Breaths = He took a few deep breaths.
Breath = one inhalation and exhalation. Breathe = the natural pattern of taking breaths.
24.quote:
It moved fast, like a rush of horses scrambling away from their home when someone let them out.
Horses = more than one. So the other references have to be plural as well.
25.quote:
Goosebumps appeared on all the skin it flowed past, causing a tingling sensation to spark throughout me.
Passed = It has already passed us. Past = It has gone past.
26.quote:
This was until it reached their gateway: the palms.
The tense is muddled in this sentence. Perhaps "The sensations continued until the power reached it's gateway: my palms." ?
27.quote:
In the void between my hands, the energy began to swirl in every random direction.
You mention how it moves in the next sentence. How about, "The energy began to swirl in the void between my hands."?
28.quote:
The shape had just materialised when the shockwave struck me.
How about "solidified" instead of "materialize", to give it a more solid feel?
29.quote:
It felt like running headfirst into a wall, except when you run into the wall, it explodes.
Tense, again. "It felt like I had run headfirst into a wall, and the wall had exploded on impact." ?
30.quote:
The villagers' identical houses around me seemed to twirl around me as pain throbbed from the three scars on my body.
Please don't repeat the "around me". Also, at theend of this, you need to leave another line.
Sorry, I have to go now. But, as always, Recar = flashy. ^_^
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